Guilt
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[Obsidian]
- Posts: 265
- Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 11:12 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Columbus, OH
Guilt
Ok, I'm trusting you people enough to share with you an experience I have kept to myself for almost 15 years. When I was much younger I did a rune reading for my girlfriend at the time. She drew the rune Wyrd (which was in the book also referred to as the death rune) and I read it to her as a new beginning of something. I also made it clear to her that the rune did not actually symbolize death in reality. She said that that was very good and that it fit very well into what she had been thinking about when she drew the runes. A few days later she then committed suicide by drowning herself in a river in the mid of winter. After all this I talked to her parents and they implied (altough they didn't say it out loud) that she may have had a drug problem and that she had been fighting with depression for a long time. In retrospect the reading is very painful for me because I feel like my reading almost gave her an incentive to try it. Maybe if I hadn't read it, or I hadn't read the rune like I did she might have been more hesitant and she might still be alive. I've been having incredible guilt because of that all these years. I'm almost feeling like I had a hand in killing her.
If she was really as depressed as her parents thought she'd probably been thinking about it for a while, you're reading would've been inneffectual.
Unless it as by your hand directly, there is no need for you to feel guilty(doesn't make it easier I know) But that was a choice she made for herself, no one else did.
Unless it as by your hand directly, there is no need for you to feel guilty(doesn't make it easier I know) But that was a choice she made for herself, no one else did.
Wyrd is tied with Orlog,personal destiny.I use the Elder Futhark, so I am unfamiliar with a rune of this name.It seems strange to have a rune with this name, to me at least.Have a look at these, the first resonates most with my perception of Wyrd, the inconstant constant: the shuttle of the loom.I think you had little to do with this person's choices,you were there, you read runes for her,she interpreted the meaning,as was her choice.Her Orlog. Not yours. Guilt will serve no purpose.Remember her.Light a candle.Let her spirit live in your memory.That is appropriate, much more so than mentally torturing yourself.back in a mo.
http://www.wyrdwords.vispa.com/heathenry/whatwyrd.html
http://www.ealdriht.org/lawasw6.html
http://www.wyrdwords.vispa.com/heathenry/whatwyrd.html
http://www.ealdriht.org/lawasw6.html
http://www.indigosun.com/march99/perkins.htm
On Orlog and the rune I see as related to personal Orlog.Peorth -the dice cup.
On Orlog and the rune I see as related to personal Orlog.Peorth -the dice cup.
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Blazewind
- Posts: 260
- Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:52 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: wetaskiwin Alberta, Canada
It is very sad to hear about this happening to you girlfriend. It is always tragic when someone feels so trapped by something, that they can see only that one drastic way out. No, I was most certainly not your fault. I don't know runes well at all, but it sounds to me that you read that stone as a new beginning, not as an actual death of a person. how could you have been to blame? Don't spend the rest of your life wondering if things could have been differant. unless she had tried to change it herself, thaen things could not have been.
Blazewind
The only truely stupid question is the one that no one had the nerve to ask.
The only truely stupid question is the one that no one had the nerve to ask.
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[Obsidian]
- Posts: 265
- Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 11:12 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Columbus, OH
Sorry about your girlfriend. In the end you just have to accept that there was nothing you could have done without knowing what was going to happen first. You alsohave to understand that readings aren't perfect and its always the small details that throw it off. Had you known that she was depressed in such a way it is possible tou might have kept a closer eye on her but the fact is there was nothing you could have done and beating yourself up about it wont help, I do it to myself all the time but thats another story for another time.
Anyway the only way you can help change your mind sub or standard is to accept it. Remember her for she will always live in your heart and memories. There is no greater pleasure for spirits than to live on in someones memories
Anyway the only way you can help change your mind sub or standard is to accept it. Remember her for she will always live in your heart and memories. There is no greater pleasure for spirits than to live on in someones memories
Do not attempt, Achieve
Do not hear, Listen
Do not go blindly forward, See
Do not judge, Understand
Do not forget, for in this you shall learn nothing
-The Judge
Do not hear, Listen
Do not go blindly forward, See
Do not judge, Understand
Do not forget, for in this you shall learn nothing
-The Judge
That's why I emboldened some words above, in my last post,Harry. A small rite of remembrance is good,it is honourable and a good time of year for this.You must let go ,but not of the good times and happy memories.We all have regrets and doubts about past actions.You can make it very personal, I think her spirit would be pleased to be honoured, try it and see.You can talk to her, while doing this, let out how you feel.It's cathartic.Death is always hardest for those left behind.No matter the circumstances.We always seem to dwell on the 'I never told them how much I care' or 'I was mean or angry and didn't get to put it right',often with suicide it's 'why didn't they talk with me' 'I should have guessed/tried harder' 'It was me, something I did/said' It's human.It took me 22 years to let go of the anger I felt at my closest friend's suicide.For me it was anger, not guilt,but it's equally negative.Don't be like me.Geri.
Although you shouldn't feel responsible or guilty in any way, I can understand why you do.
It's human nature.
In order to move on and get past the guilt, you'll need to forgive yourself.
You can start by descriptive writing of what happened. Do as much or as little as you like each day until you feel her story is told.
Once you've completed your writing for the day, take a moment to remember a positive moment you shared, then say to yourself firmly, outloud "It wasn't my fault".
It may take weeks, months or even years for you to finish your writing and during this time, especially the beginning of it, it will be very painful for you to bring back.
Basically, in order to get over some things, you have to re-live it.
Alternatively you could try a hypnotist, a therapist, meditating to your spirit guide or even try and contacting the girl herself through divination.
Good luck, keep us updated.
It's human nature.
In order to move on and get past the guilt, you'll need to forgive yourself.
You can start by descriptive writing of what happened. Do as much or as little as you like each day until you feel her story is told.
Once you've completed your writing for the day, take a moment to remember a positive moment you shared, then say to yourself firmly, outloud "It wasn't my fault".
It may take weeks, months or even years for you to finish your writing and during this time, especially the beginning of it, it will be very painful for you to bring back.
Basically, in order to get over some things, you have to re-live it.
Alternatively you could try a hypnotist, a therapist, meditating to your spirit guide or even try and contacting the girl herself through divination.
Good luck, keep us updated.
Earth my body, water my blood,
Air my breath and fire my spirit
Air my breath and fire my spirit
It sounds like you said the best thing you could have. Your interpretation could have given her hope for a new beginning and courage to keep trying to overcome her troubles. How can you know what someone else is thinking?- you really can't. I don't think you should feel guilty- don't feel guilty!- didn't work did it? But you see there is no simple thing anyone can do or say to help someone or change the way someone else feels, even highly trained counselors burn out easily because it is very hard to save people. Feeling regret and wishing you could have done more and keeping her in your heart and memories makes you one of the good guys of the world, so what would you be if you thought she was a train wreck, nothing anyone could have been done would have helped and forget the whole horrid experience?
Kolohe
Kolohe
Ok. Here's something you can do. I don't see any spells here, and Obsidian asked for one. Personally, I find that spells *do* help for this sort of thing... as a means of telling your subconcious mind that it's *ok* to forgive yourself. This is also why I am pro-uncrossings, too.
This is a spell I did to ask forgiveness from my father after he died. Granted, *I* was the one feeling guilty,but it really helped me get over what happened.
This spell was inspired by the Mexican Day of the Dead. Please note that this is a long term ritual, not a short-term one. Also, a lot of it is about ctharsis, so it's not a "shiny-happy" ritual.
Forgiveness of the Dead Spell
Ingredients:
one pound of sugar
1/2 pound of salt
1 or 2 egg whites
one whole egg
one big bowl (glass or steel, not aluminum)
one tube of black or blue squeeze frosting (optional)
a little vegitable oil
a sheet of wax paper or parchment paper, the latter being preferable
black or dark blue, and white or light blue or silver candles; three of each
two pieces of dark blue or black fabric one that's thin and small, and one large
one picture of the deceased, or an object that belonged to or reminds one of the deceased more than one are usable
one black marker
incense , either myrrh, clove or sandalwood
A blue cord or ribbon 9 yards long.
apples, flowers or other appropriate decor or offerings
Part One: The Making
This first step is to create a skull out of salt and sugar. The amount of sugar and salt is not exact but you want a ratio of three parts sugar to one part salt. Also, you want enough of the sugar-salt mortar to make a skull. The size of the skull is up to you, I made a life-size one, which meant using almost two pounds of material. If you don't have room on your altar for a full size skull, feel free to make a smaller one.
Mix the salt and sugar together in the bowl. Mix in the first egg white, adding a little at a time and mixing thoroughly. You want a texture that holds together well but not too wet. It should be like loose mortar, not a dough.
Mold the form of a skull. Make it flat on the bottom, and make a hole underneath in the interior of the skull and hollow it out. Use your intuition as to how the skull should look. It doesn't need to be life-like.
Place on the wax paper. Find a place that's dry and warm where it can dry.
It can take up to a month. Hollowing up the skull a bit helps the drying process. Also, you could dry it in the oven on it's lowest setting.
Once it's dry, you can decorate the skull in what ever way feels right to you, but this is not necesassary. Many will put the person's name on the forehead.
Next, incorporate the skull to make a shrine for the individual in question. Use the candles, the objects that remind you of that person, and also the photograph. Burn the incense during this meditation.(You can also use an "oil burner" (in reality a steamer) to emit the scent.) You want to create a solid connection between this person and the skull. Take as much time as you need for this section. At this time you should write the words you wish to use in the other parts of the ritual.
Part Two: The Ritual.
Cast your circle physically with the cord. Open the western portal only, this is the portal of the dead, emotions and healing.
Open your ritual with a plea to what ever god or gods you wish, to help relieve your guilt. This is a personal thing, so your words must be crafted by you. If you want suggestions, feel free to PM me. I'd suggest cthonic deities (such as Hekate, Ardinhrod (sp!) Hel or Anubis) or the Goddess if you don't know who to call. You can also directly talk to the individual in question if you don't want to involve deities.
After your plea, tell the individual all your feelings. Go into detail, explaining all the whys and wherefores. Then, thrust your feelings into the skull. Seal them in with a pentagram over the center of the forehead of the skull with the frosting. Put the picture coiled up into the skull, too. Seal it up with the frosting mixed with a little sugar to add structure.
Take time to say good by to the person, and the problem. All your guilt is inside the skull.
Offer all your good thoughts and feelings for this person into the egg. Decorate as desired, or simply put the name of the person on the egg, and then seal it in with a star. After you have sealed this, then thank the deity, if any, and close the north portal, but do NOT close the circle.
Instead, gather the cord or ribbon, gathering the circle energy and infuse it into the ribbon. fold it end over end and then tie it around your waist.
Next, either bury the skull, or toss into a large body of water, such as the ocean, a lake or a river.
Untie the ribbon or cord and then cast or bury that too, asking to release all the energy from the ritual into the ground or water.
Bury the egg as well, somewhere close to your house or under a tree or somewhere that's important to that person. Or near the grave site.
This is a spell I did to ask forgiveness from my father after he died. Granted, *I* was the one feeling guilty,but it really helped me get over what happened.
This spell was inspired by the Mexican Day of the Dead. Please note that this is a long term ritual, not a short-term one. Also, a lot of it is about ctharsis, so it's not a "shiny-happy" ritual.
Forgiveness of the Dead Spell
Ingredients:
one pound of sugar
1/2 pound of salt
1 or 2 egg whites
one whole egg
one big bowl (glass or steel, not aluminum)
one tube of black or blue squeeze frosting (optional)
a little vegitable oil
a sheet of wax paper or parchment paper, the latter being preferable
black or dark blue, and white or light blue or silver candles; three of each
two pieces of dark blue or black fabric one that's thin and small, and one large
one picture of the deceased, or an object that belonged to or reminds one of the deceased more than one are usable
one black marker
incense , either myrrh, clove or sandalwood
A blue cord or ribbon 9 yards long.
apples, flowers or other appropriate decor or offerings
Part One: The Making
This first step is to create a skull out of salt and sugar. The amount of sugar and salt is not exact but you want a ratio of three parts sugar to one part salt. Also, you want enough of the sugar-salt mortar to make a skull. The size of the skull is up to you, I made a life-size one, which meant using almost two pounds of material. If you don't have room on your altar for a full size skull, feel free to make a smaller one.
Mix the salt and sugar together in the bowl. Mix in the first egg white, adding a little at a time and mixing thoroughly. You want a texture that holds together well but not too wet. It should be like loose mortar, not a dough.
Mold the form of a skull. Make it flat on the bottom, and make a hole underneath in the interior of the skull and hollow it out. Use your intuition as to how the skull should look. It doesn't need to be life-like.
Place on the wax paper. Find a place that's dry and warm where it can dry.
It can take up to a month. Hollowing up the skull a bit helps the drying process. Also, you could dry it in the oven on it's lowest setting.
Once it's dry, you can decorate the skull in what ever way feels right to you, but this is not necesassary. Many will put the person's name on the forehead.
Next, incorporate the skull to make a shrine for the individual in question. Use the candles, the objects that remind you of that person, and also the photograph. Burn the incense during this meditation.(You can also use an "oil burner" (in reality a steamer) to emit the scent.) You want to create a solid connection between this person and the skull. Take as much time as you need for this section. At this time you should write the words you wish to use in the other parts of the ritual.
Part Two: The Ritual.
Cast your circle physically with the cord. Open the western portal only, this is the portal of the dead, emotions and healing.
Open your ritual with a plea to what ever god or gods you wish, to help relieve your guilt. This is a personal thing, so your words must be crafted by you. If you want suggestions, feel free to PM me. I'd suggest cthonic deities (such as Hekate, Ardinhrod (sp!) Hel or Anubis) or the Goddess if you don't know who to call. You can also directly talk to the individual in question if you don't want to involve deities.
After your plea, tell the individual all your feelings. Go into detail, explaining all the whys and wherefores. Then, thrust your feelings into the skull. Seal them in with a pentagram over the center of the forehead of the skull with the frosting. Put the picture coiled up into the skull, too. Seal it up with the frosting mixed with a little sugar to add structure.
Take time to say good by to the person, and the problem. All your guilt is inside the skull.
Offer all your good thoughts and feelings for this person into the egg. Decorate as desired, or simply put the name of the person on the egg, and then seal it in with a star. After you have sealed this, then thank the deity, if any, and close the north portal, but do NOT close the circle.
Instead, gather the cord or ribbon, gathering the circle energy and infuse it into the ribbon. fold it end over end and then tie it around your waist.
Next, either bury the skull, or toss into a large body of water, such as the ocean, a lake or a river.
Untie the ribbon or cord and then cast or bury that too, asking to release all the energy from the ritual into the ground or water.
Bury the egg as well, somewhere close to your house or under a tree or somewhere that's important to that person. Or near the grave site.
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[Obsidian]
- Posts: 265
- Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 11:12 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Columbus, OH
Thanks for the spell Juniper. There unfortunately really isn't any place where I can do this here in the dorm but I printed it out so I might be able to do it once I go wherever my job takes me (please don't let it be MS). Thanks for all your thoughts y'all. I'm trying to get this sorted out but I'm finding it hard. I'm not a big writer in terms of journals. My mother used to read them when I was writing them so I stopped. Maybe I'll start again now that I live alone.
Harry
Harry
You could try just using the egg every annaversary, until you can use the spell. Also, if you aren't at home, I would strongly advise going back to journaling. But then, I would use a boring looking computer file with password protection on my PC for journaling, not a special looking book.
But then, the mere act of putting it on my computer would keep my mother out of it. Before I had a computer, I had a special hiding spot in my room that she wouldn't go to... since it was under my bed and below the floorboards. I also set boxes with easily moveable stuff inside it so I would know if she'd moved it from the placement of the internal contents... since she wouldn't be worried about the contents of a seemingly sealed box!
But writing has always been a big coping skill for me.
My heart goes out to you over this matter.
But then, the mere act of putting it on my computer would keep my mother out of it. Before I had a computer, I had a special hiding spot in my room that she wouldn't go to... since it was under my bed and below the floorboards. I also set boxes with easily moveable stuff inside it so I would know if she'd moved it from the placement of the internal contents... since she wouldn't be worried about the contents of a seemingly sealed box!
But writing has always been a big coping skill for me.
My heart goes out to you over this matter.