Am I driving myself to insanity?

[TrustInStars]

Hello! I'm new to the forums, so forgive me if this is in the wrong place...I'm also somewhat new to wicca. Been around it my whole life, with little knowledge of the meaning. Now, I am learning with the help of my mother. I have a problem, though. Long story. When I was young, there was this voice that talked to me. I called her Amanda, and I thought of she as my gaurdian angel. (She came to me, when my father was abusing me. I had no one but her) Problem is, she turned dark on me. I shut her out. Years later, I encounter her again. My boyfriend could see her, and she attacked him. From what I understand, he banished her. I started hearing voices in my head. Various words, that aren't english. I felt a need to finish them, as if it were a spell. A ritual. Then, something happened to my boyfriend which led him to the hospital. Becuase of a negative being inside of me. I then heard Amanda, and 3 other voices. The 3 voices torment me, insulting me in every possible way trying to get me to end my life. Amanda started out saying she could save my boyfriend, if I bring myself "near death" "Close to the other side" so we could draw power from each side or something. It had to do with the words that started all this. I rejected her, refusing. I knew she needed me to die. She finally admitted that. A week of torment later, my boyfriend is out of the hospital. The voices continue to try to get me to end my life, but Amanda changes her words. She says she can save ME..end my pain, torment, sorrow, and depression. If I end my life. It seemed logical to her. I have literally yelled at them, to leave me alone. One night, I was yelling at the voices demanding they show themselves. They said to turn off the lights, I did. They said to go to the mirror, I did. They said touch the mirror, I did. Next thing I know, I'm babbling words not in english, feeling like I'm having a panic attack. I fell to the floor, convulsing. I felt the strong need to write out 2 words, which I believe are a name. I wanted to write them in blood. I failed to do so properly, and eventually I calmed down. I did a cleansing of my room, and eventually fell asleep. My boyfriend says I may be going crazy, because Amanda should be gone. In my research of wicca, I read something about communicating with younger self. Trying to communicate good, positive things...I have a history of cutting, due to extreme childhood trauma, and I'm wondering if my negative actions and thoughts are the cause of all this? Possible communicating all this negativity to younger self, which in turn manifests these voices tormenting me?

[Witchcraft-Fairy]

Dear TrustInStars,

what you are describing sounds like schizophrenia. And what is worse, these voices you hear are clearly dangerous to you, they influence you far to much, make you do things etc.

It's one thing to hear voices yet if they start controling your life then it can become seriously dangerous. I have a friend who had schizophrenia and it got so bad that he almost killed himself. Now he is severely disabled.

However, I am not a doctor and not a therapist of any kind. Please go and see a doctor, a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
Witchcraft will not help you here, believe me, please - it may even make things worse, at least now.

Best wishes,
Andrea

[Sakura Blossom]

I very much agree with Witchcraft-Fairy. As I work within the mental health field and am currently going school to fully work within it, this very, very much sounds like a form of psychosis but sounds more like Paranoid Schizophrenia to me. I think you need to go see a psychiatrist first, and then have them recommend you to a good psychologist who can help you work through this. I have a dear friend who is Schizophrenic as well and this is very much like something that may be linked to that. It's important to always explore all options of problems as sometimes they do not have a supernatural nature.

The fact that you have a history of cutting as well as childhood trauma only leads me to believe this is mental health related and not Wicca related. A lot of people who develop Schizophrenia have a history of some kind of trauma, cutting, or prior mental health diagnosis. I think you should try to explore the options mentioned above and I hope you can find solace in that.

I wish you all the best!

[TrustInStars]

Thank you, Andrea and Sakura. I feared this be the answer, but at least I know it's not wicca related. I will do my best to seek help.

[smogie_michele]

Coming from someone with a history in mental illness, I agree with those above me and encourage you to seek medical help as soon as you can. I'm sure with the proper treatment you will feel better.
In addition to therapy and my medication, my therapist suggested that I add in my own religious beliefs into my treatment. What helped for me was burning sage, patchuli, sandalwood, dragon's blood, etc. when things were feeling rough (things that I believe ward off negative feelings). I also started carrying some grounding crystals. It is by no means a replacement for treatment, but its a nice little addition

And just a small note for ANYONE who may be feeling like this:
I feel like some people shy away from seeking help in some cases because they feel like it is (in their minds) giving into whatever illness that may affect them. But it's really important to know that this isn't the case. Seeking medical help is a way to take back your life and live in a more healthy way.

I hope things will be well for you soon

[Myrth]

Part of my work is involved with a program designed to help severely mentally ill people get into and stay in treatment. Most who graduate say it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Mental illness can be treated and managed. And doing so gives a person their life back.

[Seraphin]

I don't doubt this is schitzo but perhaps I'm the only one here who will say, there's something in it more than brain malfunctioning. I believe that all sickness, illness or disease (mental or physical) are rooted in one's soul. Mental disorders such as schizophrenia can have physical and emotional symptoms -- and that many physical or emotional ailments are rooted in man's consciousness.

I believe man is essentially a spirit as well as body, mind, energy and soul and because of this, it becomes equally obvious for me that physical or mental dis-ease can have spiritual and energetic causes. Its either caused by negative spirits, psychic leeches, imps, etc. My own personal experiences dealing with spirit attachment and mental illness have prompted me to research not only scientific studies but also the experiences of people in therapeutic community. This is where I decided to take account of my fuller knowledge of the working and connection of man's body, mind, and soul and understand other energies or spirits active in other dimension.

Spiritual healing is therefore for me us crucial to the schizophrenia patient's full recovery. There's no medical or physical cure for schizophrenia, it's a treatable disease if caught early on and managed well through psychiatric therapies if I'm not mistaken.

Psychiatrist and Therapist, Dr. Allan Sanderson published a paper that provides and outlines the theory about mental illness and spirit attachment, together with the historical perspective of spirit release methods, phenomenology, diagnosis and treatment.

[Firebird]

Seraphin! My friend! I have missed you
you know, this got me to thinking about the roll of a shamen in the tribe or clan. This person was usually on the frindges of reality. They were able to tap in to the places beyond the veil much easier than the rest of their people.
bb, Firebird

[Seraphin]

Exactly FF! And in shamanistic perspective, the manifestations of "evil spirits" as Shamans call them are very diverse -- from spiritual world to physical world to astral world. This is mainly because a human being has several dimensions or planes of existence. Mystics and psychics say there are seven planes of existence while others said there are more than ten and some even say they are countless.

On a different note, some psychiatrists nowadays are telling us that those people who have mental disorders have this "dark barren core" as American Forensic Psychiatrist Dr. Helen Morrison described it in her book My Life Among Serial Killers ( a book that tackles serial killers and their mental disorders). Some transpersonal psychologists such as Dr. Terence Palmer, practitoner of Spirit Release Therapy hypothesized that this dark barren core are actually entities. It suggests therefore that there were dualities in mentally-illed victims, one personality that was human and one that wasn't. Some psychiatrist also observed that sometimes, the "humanness" of the victim suddenly disappears. This observation may also find sympathy with the Shamanic principle of Lost Soul.

[Sakura Blossom]

This is all incredibly interesting Seraphin! I've never thought of mental illness in such a way before, it's definitely something I might like to look into more as I enjoy psychology very much (and am actually taking my first upper level psych class this semester!). Though, and I know it's been stressed by everyone, I still want to reiterate that it's HIGHLY important you seek medical treatment as well as spiritual. Both fall hand in hand just as it was mentioned perfectly by Seraphin.

I just want to make sure that this is repeated so others who may be struggling know that both are just as important, even though everyone's done a wonderful job of showing how important both are.

Hopefully the OP is able to find the guidance and help they need, no matter what it is. I can't imagine what it's like to be dealing with something such as this. I have a friend who is in fact Schizophrenic (of course, not saying that is what this is. I can't possibly know as I'm not a psychiatrist and do not know the OP. This is simply an acknowledgement) and it's difficult to handle just as a companion, not the one with the illness itself.

Regardless of what it is, I wish you well TrustInStars and hope you get everything sorted out!

[Nevermore1]

I agree that this soumds like schizophrenia. My best friend from school developed it in her early 20's and was very unpredictable (I once had to help the police hog tie after she went into the kitchen for some water and came out and tried to stab me with a steak knife). I also suspect that you might have PTSD as well. I have PTSD and also used to cut as a "release" which is something that is very common for victims of sexual abuse (cause of my PTSD). I would start with your GP and have them refer you to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. If you feel you are going to injure someone or yourself go to the ER immediately and tell them what has been going on and request to be admitted (be sure to say you feel you are a danger to yourself and others). I know alot of people won't agree with that advice but getting yourself admitted is a lot better than injuring someone and going to prison (or worse, killing them). I wish you the best of luck.

[Seraphin]

This is all incredibly interesting Seraphin! I've never thought of mental illness in such a way before, it's definitely something I might like to look into more as I enjoy psychology very much (and am actually taking my first upper level psych class this semester!). Though, and I know it's been stressed by everyone, I still want to reiterate that it's HIGHLY important you seek medical treatment as well as spiritual. Both fall hand in hand just as it was mentioned perfectly by Seraphin.

YES! Not to repeat what have been said but yes!

Interestingly, medical science NOW are starting to accept the studies about the close links between the nervous system, emotions and thoughts (soul) and the immune system. How we think and feel can affect the course of any mental or physical illnesses and ailments. Numerous examples have been recorded of psychological disorders developing after a person has had an emotional trauma or a spiritual downfall.

Medical and Spiritual Treatment should go hand in hand as both can can help tremendously in the alleviation of modern illnesses.

[Nightwatcher]

This is all incredibly interesting Seraphin! I've never thought of mental illness in such a way before, it's definitely something I might like to look into more as I enjoy psychology very much (and am actually taking my first upper level psych class this semester!). Though, and I know it's been stressed by everyone, I still want to reiterate that it's HIGHLY important you seek medical treatment as well as spiritual. Both fall hand in hand just as it was mentioned perfectly by Seraphin.

YES! Not to repeat what have been said but yes!

Interestingly, medical science NOW are starting to accept the studies about the close links between the nervous system, emotions and thoughts (soul) and the immune system. How we think and feel can affect the course of any mental or physical illnesses and ailments. Numerous examples have been recorded of psychological disorders developing after a person has had an emotional trauma or a spiritual downfall.

Medical and Spiritual Treatment should go hand in hand as both can can help tremendously in the alleviation of modern illnesses.

I cannot articulate both how much I agree with your words Seraphin and how happy I am to know I'm not the only one.

Ooooh, it makes me so MAD that most are like "oh, just pop a pill and you're good." No, it's more complex then that and the source can be many things.