Vervain's Journey

[Vervain]

So far almost everything I have to say on this is just a record of my experiences/travels/etc during meditations, but this seemed like the best place to put it as they are quite long and detailed and probably not really relevant to anyone else. All the same, I wanted to share them and put them out there, and if you DO have something to say, feel free to say it.

I have kept this information in a small pocket journal, but it is very important to me so I want to back it up here in case something were to happen to the journal.

Actually, I was going to start with my meditations, but I suppose it's best to start at the very beginning.

I had always used a generic God and Goddess, Lord and Lady, rather than any specific deities... this for nearly ten years. Maybe more like 9ish. I had tried a few Greek and Celtic deities off and on, no luck. Never really felt attracted to the Egyptian pantheon, and decided that probably I was just not supposed to have specific deities.

Then I fell in love with Ash. Ash and I had a lot to talk about--we were both writers, artists, cooks, pagans, lovers of words, knowledge, and the world... and he was an Asatruar. He introduced me to the Norse mythos: the Aesir, the Vanir, the Poetic Edda, the Prose Edda of Snorri Sturluson, many of the stories... I'd ask for bedtime stories and he'd tell me his favorite tales about Loki and Odin and Thor and Hel and the Billow Maidens.

(Ash and I aren't exactly together anymore, but we're definitely still on good terms and that is all basically irrelevant.)

The Billow Maidens were the first to catch my attention. Mermaids? But they were like the Muses? And they brewed BEER? I was in. This was the first time in years I had felt even a slightly more than vague attraction to any sort of deity, excluding Scheherezade whom most people don't count as a deity but whatever that's irrelevant.

Months later...

I don't remember how I came to Hel, but I am certain she is right for me.

About a month later...

I admired Odin but didn't know much about him other than the rune story, and I didn't even know the full details of that... and never really connected with a god (male) before... I looked up Odin in one of my books and everything I read just made me think... why did I not realize before that I was following Odin? I think I always have been, but I didn't really realize it. I came to the runes right before I came to Wicca, but I didn't know about their origin or anything... but they had been with me since the beginning, since right when I started to question my religion/spirituality. I noticed little things... one of my names online and in the creative world is Lovely Wednesday... Wednesday was originally after the Addams character, but I always felt like there was another reason and now I know. Other little things, too.

Then he started showing himself to me in little signs in the real world, just as if to say... I'm here. I know you're listening now.

What follows is a near exact copy of several of my handwritten journal entries on the subject.

[Vervain]

10.18.2013

I was helping someone on the EUTM forum yesterday find more information about Odin, and as I was typing out his entire entry from Judika Illes' Encyclopedia of Spirits, I think I began to realize a few things about myself and why I am drawn to Odin (and Hel and Persephone, etc.).

I think I am fascinated with death because of the balance it implies/necessitates. Hel especially is the perfect image of balance between life and death, beginnings and endings. Any deity of death and wisdom and knowledge (i.e. Odin) must realize the sometimes inevitable necessity of irreversible change.

Odin died a Shamanic death to be reborn as master of the runes. He understood that the part of himself that did not possess that knowledge had to die in order for him to truly learn and understand.

In an sense it is how we as humans lose our innocence whenever we learn anything, especially about love, death, sex, money, and the real world.

We sacrifice a part of ourself to everything we learn.

It is much the same message as the Death XIII tarot card.

For this reason and others, I have decided that Odin and Hel are the best and most permanent (probably) incarnations of the Lord and Lady for me.

I wonder if, though I didn't know it at the time, this is why I named myself Lovely Wednesday.

I bought some wood and knives for whittling, and I have just almost finished whittling Odin. He is wearing a cloak and a pointed traveler's hat and he has long hair and a beard and I carved away his left eye.

Next, i will carve two ravens out of smaller blocks of wood, and then when they are don I will carve Hel. Probably I will woodburn these, maybe I will paint them.

For my elemental necklace, I want air to be represented by a raven charm. I have been looking for one, but have not found one I like. I have pyrite for fire and a triskelion I made for water, but nothing yet for earth or air. I don't know yet about earth (although for now pyrite covers that as well), but Odin's ravens, a Ravenclaw raven, for air. Birds sing and raven's search. They are perfect for me.

I made ink from beets the other day. Algiz still is on my forearm for protection.

[Vervain]

10.22.2013

Death is a recurring theme lately. last night it was not on purpose, i thought of it twice.

Shawn and I played Farkle, and when we were done I leaned over and he kissed me and it was the most wonderful kiss, it might even have outshone our first kiss for me but I don't know--it was the most beautiful think I'd ever felt on my lips and I just fell, melted, into his arms and couldn't help but think and say out loud,

"Someday, many, many, many years from now, MANY years from now, I want to die in your arms."

I couldn't help it. He thought it was beautiful but so sad as he told me this morning, he replied,

"Don't make me outline you."
"I won't MAKE you," I said.

--------
NOTE: I realize this makes it sound like we're star-crossed middle schoolers, we're not but I'm not really going to spend a lot of time here trying to convince the basically zero people who will read this that we're actually adults in a serious relationship so whatever.
--------

This morning when we wode up I said sorry for it, and he said he thought it was really beautiful.

Also last night, when we were cuddling in bed I bit his lip and he said it was hard and I said it wasn't but I could bite him hard if he wanted and he said don't ever bite me hard, and I couldn't help it, this is what I thought:

If Shawn is ever silent and still and I can't tell if he's dead, I will lean over and bite his lip real hard to see. And then I thought, probably I won't be able to bring myself to do that, so I'll just tell him I'm going to.

I told him I thought these things, and he noted that I had been thinking a lot about death lately, and I suppose it is because I so blatantly invited Hel and Odin into my life.

I had forgotten why I had chosen Nut, but I think I realized yesterday. I was looking at Cathy McClelland's Star Tarot Majors, and the Death card is particularly intriguing. It reminded me of Harry Potter because Death looks like a dementor and there is in front of him a phoenix. I also noticed, arching over the top of the card, there is Nut, with three suns in her belly. Because every night she swallows the sun (sunset), digests it (night), and gives birth to it (sunrise). It is its own cycle of death and rebirth. It is curious that these concepts seem to be central to me.

I finished the carving/whittling of Odin, but his ravens are harder by a good deal, it's hard to get a good grip on such a small piece of wood.

On one of my very last knife strokes on Odin, I cut my pinky to bleeding. It was an accident, but I dripped the blood into his missing eye as an offering since it seemed like such a waste not to. almost like it was supposed to happen. A blood offering would never even occur to me (I really disagree with them for the most part) if I hadn't already been bleeding basically onto it, but it seemed like a good way to say, "Look, I made this for you and it wasn't easy, it cost me a little bit of myself even." I've never been one for blood sacrifices, but I've never been one to pass up a perfect opportunity, either. Serendipity?

I am going to be Hel for Halloween.

I will try to do her justice.

...

[Vervain]

10.28.2013

I have thought this for a while but have just mentioned it to Shawn, as I remembered for we were listening to Alice.

When I die I would like a gravestone, and I would like it to say,

"The rain makes such a lovely sound,
to those who are six feet underground."

Alice is full of interesting and beautiful thoughts about death:

"The apple is gone but there's always the core, and the seeds will sprout up right through the floor."
-----------------

10.29.2013

I finished carving Muninn. I woodburned Odin and am almost finished woodburning Muninn. I have not started carving Huginn or Hel yet.

I plan to perform a ritual of dedication to Odin and Hela when I have finished carving the figures.

For the ritual, I have written the following [illegible cursive word here, possibly "prayers" or "requests" or something else. It's totally illegible]:

[NOTE: These are first drafts written in runes in my journal, I have left them as is here though I am not yet happy with them. They are not symmetrical enough or well-enough composed for my tastes.]

O Odin, Allfather, watch over me. I ask your guidance as I knowledge seek. As I wander about in search of words and worlds. I ask your blessings and your help, and that your wisdom might feed mine. I aim always for your relentless lov of and search for the secrets of the universe. I love you and ask for your blessing.

O Hela, Queen of Death, I ask for your guidance, your wisdom, your blessing, and your strength of self as I try to achieve balance between consumption and creation, taking and giving, learning and teaching, activity and rest, thought and action, darkness and light. I aim always towards your perfect balance. I love you and ask your blessing.

[Vervain]

10.29.2013

I might edit these slightly. I want to expressly invite Hela and Odin into my life. I believe Hela has already made herself known, but I would like to ask them both for a sign if they are with me.

I believe I have seen them (esp. Hela) in the dying squirrel, the decaying rat skeleton... especially the day of the squirrel, for I saw the dying squirrel and then I saw the perfectly preserved fallen flower, and then I saw the live and cheerful squirrels playing on the tree which was surrounded by the bush from which grew the flowers, still alive, like the one I had picked up off the ground. When I saw that I knew I was meant to give the flower to the dying squirrel, and so I did.

I n equal parts, I got to appreciate life and death that day. As the squirrel left this life, I pet him. I have never pet a squirrel before, and it was good to get to do it when he needed it, not when I wanted to. Earlier, I had tried to feed him and give him sugar water, but he could not eat or drink. I then took it upon myself to make his last hours as pleasant as possible. I hope I succeeded.

Perhaps it is Odin who showed me the rat skeleton. After all, what struck me at the time about it was how much we can learn about life from looking at death--how we can see how things work, how it makes you wonder... death for knowledge. That is what Odin is about, right? He sacrificed his OWN life for knowledge.

I want to do a pretty elaborate ritual for this. I think dedicating myself to a god and goddess is a pretty important thing to celebrate and make known.

[Vervain]

For Hallowe'en I dressed myself
in violet and in black,
I wore large jewels in my ears
and a coat upon my back.

I celebrated Samhain Eve
with a simple, silent supper,
with beets and beer and Spirit Guests,
more "magickal" than "proper."

On Samhain in the Morning
I went to Cedar House
and taught a girl to sew a cloak
and then rolled up my blouse

to paint my face, the left half pale
and bony like a skull,
the right half like a maiden fair
and young and beautiful,

and sang a song with my true love
entitled "thirteen knots."
The guests enjoyed it and said so,
such magick/music we had wrought!

On Dia de los Muertos, I
did up my face once more:
a skull adorned with flowers
was the makeup that I wore.

And then I went away
to put a thousand faces on
and take a thousand pictures
and then--Hallowe'en was gone.

(But Halloween doesn't FEEL over. It feels like it's just begun!)

[Vervain]

-BEGIN MEDITATIONS-

11.6.2013

I recorded this on audio last night right after it happened, and that will always be the most accurate record of my experience, but because this little book seems to have held all my dealings with Odin so far, I wanted to have a copy of my experience here as well.

I did my first successful meditation last night-- it was a guided meditation for meeting your spirit guide, led by Lilian Eden. I was in Shawn's closet, lying back on a blanket and pillow. It was mostly very good but a couple times Shawn played music in his room and it was very hard to concentrate so next time I will ask if we can both use headphones.

I lay down and the guided meditation led me into total relaxation and I let go completely. She said to just trust myself, it would probably feel like I was making it up but that's okay, everyone does. I expected that, but then every time I set up an expectation for the scenario and thought I was about to make it up, something entirely different would happen.

Eventually she led me up a spiral staircase to a huge wooden door. I twas a set of double doors, pointed at the top, with crescent moons and raven feathers carved around the edges in a border. The handles on the doors spiraled where it stuck out.
[A bit like this: http://www.shop4classics.com/images/AIWdoorpull3b.jpg]

I went through the door and into a great hall. The ceiling was very high, the walls were all gray stone, large, grey, stone blocks. I don't know if the floor was stone or wood or both. I perceived a rug on the far side, but no details of it. The room was very long, much longer than wide. Once I came in I sensed that I had come in from a balcony courtyard. The room was a similar shape to what i would expect of a throne room, but there were no thrones. The side walls had large windows the same shape as the door (but smaller), and I got to see out of one on the left but not the right. On the right there were shelves, bookcases. The far wall had a large fireplace. It had a beautiful carve mantle (stone? wood? idk) and on it sat several candlesticks and a bowl of fruit. Over the mantle was a large painting. I don't know what of, perhaps something at a table, a feast or a still life, but I don't know. It was curtained around in red. In front of the hearth were two plush chairs, they were red like the curtain. Wingbacks, like in Beauty and the Beast. I went to the window on the left near the far wall (there were three windows on each side wall). To the left of the window was a long table against the wall, it had a wand, and knife, a sword, and a rumpled or folded cloth upon it. Perhaps some other things. Over it near the window was a portrait of a lady in pink. To the left of that was a portrait of a blonde lady in white, with two long braids and a Valkyrie's helmet. Through the window I saw the sky, and medium dusty blue, which had in it the sun, a crescent moon, and the stars. Below that was the ocean, nearer us a shore, a forest, a road, and off to the right a village on a hill, the same hills that became the mountains that we were on in this castle. The beach, forest, and castle were the ones from the Pottermore sorting where they ask you which path you would take. I thought it was funny because I didn't answer the castle on Pottermore but yet here I was.



I get the sense that in future meditations I will get to explore the shore, the forest, and the village, perhaps even the ocean, and also other parts of the castle. i saw to either side of the fireplace there were wooden doors, regular-size doors not like the grand door I can in through. Going through the one on the left there were muddy footprints from the hearth area. I wanted to follow them and I learned that through that door was a spiral stair that went up to a tower and down to a kitchen, but I didn't get to go this time (I did not see these things I simply knew them).



There was a tiger in front of the hearth, sometimes it was a little tiger in the back of the fireplace but usually it was a big, fullsize tiger lying in front of the fire.

There were shapes in the smoke: Hel's face, a woman dancing, raven feathers, 2 ravens. Sometimes there were 2 ravens on the mantle. Sometimes real, ruffling their wings, sometimes stone. A Valkyrie came out of the little door on the right, all dressed in white and in brown leather corset and arm guards. She had hair like Eowyn, but it was in long braids. I think she was helmeted, but the kind that doesn't cover her face, the has the wings.

If you can imagine some combination of the following, you are very close:



I thought she was meant to be my spirit guide, but she only smiled and wouldn't speak to me. I waited with her for awhile and then my Spirit Guide came in through the big door. A golden glow came through the opening and in it came--just a glow, then a little faerie perhaps, then a glowing bodiless voice but it was a man's voice, I thought it would be a woman's, and then when I understood I saw the whole thing again from the beginning, the golden glow and then he was visible to me in all his glory, his head bent down as he entered in a long, flowing, purple velvet cape and golden crown, he had straight salt and pepper gray hair curled under at this shoulder and an intimate beard, sruffy and kingly at the same time. He was at once king and god, ranger and sage, and I knew he was Odin.



It didn't matter that he didn't look like the pictures or like the poems say, or the stories. This was Odin how he came to me and he loved me and that was clear.

I thought he would sit in the right chair because I had been sitting and waiting in the left chair, but I forgot the Valkyrie was already sitting in the right chair, and I got up to greet him and he sat in my chair, the left one. Before he sat down he took my jaw in his right hand--as if to assess my worth, and his eyes were blue and piercing and he searched me with them and then he kissed me. When he held my jaw if anyone else had done that it would have felt rude, possessive, but he just felt loving, authoritative, strong but well meaning, pure of heart, etc. After he kissed me he sat in my chair and it was clear that I was meant to sit in his lap so I did, kind of sideways, facing the window. He held me close. I asked him if he loved me, perhaps he answered in words but the communication could easily have been wordless. The answer was of the tune, "of course, what a silly question to ask." He held me close, he was warm. His cape surrounded me and it was so warm and lovely.

We stood and walked to the window. This time when I looked out I saw the same thing, but I saw shells on the beach, dolphins, fish, and mermaids in the sea, unicorns in the forest, ravens and owls flying over it, and a large deer right outside the forest near the road. i saw a woman in green sweeping her front doorstep in the village. Everything was more detailed than before, like a Jan van Eyck painting, I could see/sense things there was no physical reason I should be able to. When we turned inside from the window, I found I was caught up in a swirl of raven feathers and glittering wind. They swirled in a column around me and beckoned me to dance, and I found I couldn't NOT dance. It was strange to have me spiritual body taken over like that--I was not in control, but the dance was joyful and pleasant.



When it was over the raven feathers flew into Muninn and Huginn and landed on Odin's shoulders. I ran to him to be held in his arms and kiss him and feel RIGHT.

I laughed, in his lap again, at how different he looked from the figure I had carved of him, and I asked him if he liked the figures. He said yes. He said that Hel would come guide me, too, when I had finished carving her whittled figure. I thought that sounded nice. I asked if there was anything else I should be doing and he said it was good that I was reading and trying to learn more and it would be good if I finished the Eddas but he did not make me feel rushed. He was so pleased and happy with, so appreciative of who I am and where I am already going.

Today I will try to go back there again, to further explore the castle and talk with Odin again. I want to try to read one of the books and explore the forest. I want to try so many things. Oh! I almost forgot!

The first time Odin and I went over to the window together, I stood up and realized I could fly. Odin had such a hearty, loving laugh. I shot up toward the ceiling and I could have for a long time, but something pulled me back because I knew we were supposed to look through the window and that that was more important.

I thanked Odin and we embraced once more before he left and I had to go. I went down a different spiral stairs that appeared in the floor, down to a foggy place in a mossy forest, walked on glowing stepping stones and there were faeries and elves in the forest, and came to a cave slightly off to the right, and after I entered there was a boat led by Spirits and they took me to the land of the Waking.

--------

P.S.- as I was coming out of trance, after Odin has left but before I left the room, I felt Odin come up behind my physical body in Shawn's closet--he held the sides of my head delicately in both hands, leaned over, and kissed my forehead.

FIN.

[Vervain]

11.6.2013

Another Meditation

I went back today. Out the right window there was a lot of fog like I wasn't supposed to see beyond it yet. The rug is green and kind of brown, and has some white and black in it. The mantle is dark marble or granite with a white runner on top, and there was a sword and more candles on the runner. No one was there, not even the tiger, and I worried no one would come.

Then I noticed there was a small wooden table between the chairs, and on it was a book, and I was going to read it, but then i noticed on top of the book there was a letter. The letter was open and there was sealing wax beside it like the writer was going to seal it, but ran out of time or decided not to. I noticed it was addressed to me, so I read it. It said not to worry that no one was there, it was safe and okay. Then it said that I should come to the garden. It was signed by Odin.

I thought the garden must be outside because that's where gardens go, so I went towards the great door (which I noticed on my way in had scenes carved into it, but I could not tell what they were), but then I sensed that if I left through the great door I would leave the meditation, so I knew that wasn't where I was meant to go. I knew it wasn't through the left door (that went, I sensed, to the tower and the kitchen), so I tried the door to the right of the fireplace.

Through that door, it turned off to the right into a hallway that was basically straight out of a HP movie, there were arched "windows" in the stone walls (no glass) that looked over the snowy mountains on the left and into a rainy, foggy place that went forever up and down on the right. It was raining.

Kind of like this:



I walked down the stone hallway and it widened into a beautiful enclosed courtyard/garden place. It was square, with a round, tiered fountain at the center, and a sectioned garden around it. Around the perimeter of the room there was a marble slab pathway. Or granite? I don't know my paving stones. it was wet and slippery from the rain. Across the courtyard was another wooden double door, not as large as the great doors in the main room, but also carved. Odin started to come through the door slowly, and I went over to the fountain to touch the water. The water was iridescent? Opalescent? Pearlescent? Purple and blue and white and crystal clear all at once.



I washed my face with it, and I felt so clean and fresh. Odin came up behind me, and wrapped his cape around me from the cold, and I rinsed my face again but when i did that I felt that my face WAS Odin's face. He embraced me. I caught up a phial of the iridescent water and sprinkled it on a patch of dirt in the garden behind us and everywhere a drop fell a tall vine-stalk of flowers kind of like tulips but more magickal sprouted immediately up out of the ground.



I looked in wonder and asked Odin what would happen if I drank it, but he indicated that I was not meant to know, or at least not yet. The garden was beautiful. He indicated that he had just built it/ had it built as a gift for me. There were herbs growing in it, too.

He really loves me, doesn't he? This is the first time I have felt any real connection with a god, anything more than interest, like "oh, that's cool, I like that god." This is the first time I've really felt... CONNECTED. In touch. Loved. Understood. Et cetera. I wonder if this is what some Christians feel like when they feel the love of God. There's no way it's this good. There is SO MUCH LOVE.

I thanked him, but I told him I wanted to go follow the muddy footprints and explore the tower. He seemed a little disappointed. Next time--

WAIT! Backtrack! I forgot. We were still in the garden and I wanted to dance with him--suddenly I was in a dress, like a balgown, the same iridescent white as the water, organza, poofy sleeves... and he put his hand on my waist and I took his other hand and we waltzed to the sound of the rain and the glowing flowers and the fountain.



When we finished our waltz (it was slippery and I was nervous if we kept dancing we would slip on the wet stone floor), we went into the hallway towards the main room and stopped to look out over the mountains, and while we stood there, a white dragon flew by in the distance, out of the mountains. We went back into the Hearth Room, and my gown had gone, and I was back in my black star dress. I was all wet and I sat in front of the fire to dry off and warm up. odin put his purple cape around me, but I dried off quickly so we weren't there for very long. I asked if I could follow the footprints and go up to the tower, and he nodded towards the left door, indicating that I should go ahead and he would follow in a minute.



The footprints reappeared (they had been gone before) so I could follow them, and I went through the door and toward the left, up the clockwise spiral staircase, and into the top tower room--the room was round, with windows most of the way around if not all. The ceiling was something between domed and conical, painted blue and with gold hardware around the edges, and the whole ceiling was filled with white birds, and the room was filled with the gentle sound of their wings flapping. I was reminded of the flying keys from Harry Potter.



The white birds flew peacefully, slowly, constantly around the ceiling, one every now and then landing on a window sill. The whole scene was so brilliantly beautiful, I gasped and then Odin was there. He said this tower, too, was his gift to me, and that it was my room, where I could be in peace and do as I wished, and he asked if I liked it.

I was so amazed and breathless, and of ourse I liked it, and I said ho wmuch I loved it and then I noticed there was a golden four poster bed made up with dark sapphire blue blankets and sheer white canopy drapes, on a blue silk rug. i jumped in enthusiasm and ran towards it, and odin tucked me in, and then he lay with me for a short while before he left very quietly through the door. I would have slept there but Lilian Eden guided me to leave the castle down the stairs again and go through the forest.

This time when I walked along the stepping stones, I noticed the tiger walking along in the trees to my left, following me and watching over me. Odin sent him to watch over me, and I understood that was why the tiger had been on the hearth yesterday. When we got to the cave, i hugged the tiger and he let me ride him through the cave. He was so soft!

He took me all the way to the boat, and I put my face up against his and snuggled him, and then he agreed to get in the boat with me so I could cuddle him and fall asleep in the boat and wake up in this world.

FIN

[Vervain]

11.7.2013

I noticed also that when I went yesterday, although physical me was not wearing my star dress, Spirit me definitely still was. Perhaps that is just what I wear, there? Although, I did have the gown on for the dancing...

11.7.2013

Today I want to go back, and I just want to sit in the garden and enjoy my tower and soak in the details. Also I want to get to know my Tiger and his name. Her name? Maybe I will try to paint things with the magic fountain water! I would like to see if I can fly again, too. I will read more of the Poetic Edda before I go, so that I will have made more progress where Odin asked me to. perhaps I will also woodburn Huginn.

Expect more later.
[Signed]

[Vervain]

11.7.2013

[I apologize for the writing style here: I didn't create a written journal entry for this meditation, this is directly from my spoken recording that I took immediately after returning from the castle, so that is why it is very free-flowing and has a lot of run-on sentences and things.]

Again, I went back. This time I decided I wanted to take it slowly, not try to make things happen, just soak in the details. I went into it having decided I wanted to explore my garden, I want to get to know my tiger, and I want to go see my tower. But then a couple things happened because I felt at the time that I needed to go see something, and a couple things happened that I definitely did not expect.

I felt myself floating on the ocean, and as soon as I felt that I knew it must be the ocean I can see out my tower window. I was floating there for a very long while, and when I felt freer I went into my castle through the big grand wooden door, and I turned to close it behind me, and I felt that I should walk right over to the left and look at that window, and I looked and I saw the ocean... and it just looked so beautiful, just looking at the sea, and the waves crashing on the sand, and I could kind of feel how I had just been lying there on that water... it was very nice.



Then... I looked out that window for a while, and I noticed there was a small bookcase to the left, then I moved along the wall to the right and I noticed a few pictures on the wall I hadn't seen before. One appeared to be a picture of Odin, but a more traditional, older Odin than the Odin I had met. And then one was a picture of... a father and child. It looked like a Madonna and Child picture, but instead of a Madonna, it was... a father. I thought it was a beautiful picture. I would like a picture like that in my house one day, with the father of my children. It was beautiful.

Then, I moved along that wall, and then I went and I looked out the window on the right that I couldn't see through before, and this time, I could see clearly through it the hallway to the garden and the castle wall across the way, but I couldn't see anything off to the right and I sensed that it was because I wasn't supposed to be able to, at least not yet.

So then, I went up into my room into the tower, and I noticed, on the wall on my left, three small glass windows, two leaded glass and one stained. The first one that I saw said something like "[?] Rose [?] Thorns" (I don't know what the two missing words were), and the middle one had a picture of a red rose, and the glass was clear except the petals were stained red and the stem was green. And the third window said in the leading, "A Place of Peace," and that's all but it was a nice thing to see, because this place IS a place of peace.

And so I went all the way up to my room, to my tower, and my tiger was sitting there like I'd hoped he would be, and he just lay there, so I went over to him and I lay down next to him and we cuddled for a while... I love my tiger. It's funny, I would never have thought I'd have a tiger... but Spirit me has a Spirit tiger and it's very nice.



And, um... I looked out all my windows... it was such a clear day today, yesterday it was all rainy but today... today in my dream world it was very... very clear. I wanted to go see the garden, so I asked the tiger if he'd come with me and he said he'd come with me...

The tiger doesn't speak. He doesn't seem to understand my words... but he does seem to understand my emotions and my state of being, when I need him, and what I want, he understands those sorts of things, but not, it seems, human words. It's nice.



And, so we went downstairs and we went across the hearth through the other door and down the hall, and again I noticed just how CLEAR the day was, the sky was such a beautiful clear blue, no gray, no clouds, no nothing, it was just so beautiful. And so the snowy mountains in the distance looked like... I don't know, but they didn't look dreary or scary or anything, just very clear and beautiful.



And we walked to the end of the hallway and into the garden, and... the flowers that I had grown yesterday with the magickal fountain water, their stalks had grown all the way up to the ceiling, like ivy crawling up the walls of a building, but they weren't against a wall, they were just in the middle of the garden, and they created almost an upside down curtain from the ground to the ceiling... and they kind of covered a smalled area of the ceiling where they'd spread out where they reached the top, and it was so beautiful, all the color, and they glittered still, and they made that same glowing sound that they'd been making before.



And I looked at my pretty fountain and all my flowers, and I turned to my tiger,and I turned to the window, and I noticed I was wearing a... a white or light blue dress with... long, trailing sleeves and a long skirt and it was... it was very thin, but I was not... cold. It was cold out, but I was not cold.


Kind of like this.

And I had on a... a cloak, or a cape, it was, like an ice blue with white fur on the inside, and I was so warm, and it had this beautiful white fur trim and that's what i was wearing to look out the window, and I... I nuzzled my tiger a few more times and I... I felt like Jasmine, it was funny. But I turned to look out the window again, and as I was looking out over the mountains, Odin came in the far door again, and he came in very quietly like he didn't want to disturb us, like he wanted us to not notice that he was there and keep... keep doing what we were doing, but... it's very hard... to just not NOTICE Odin, he's um... he is... he really fills up the room, he IS a god...

And so, he came over and he watched me and the tiger for a little while, and I pointed out to him about how my flowers had grown, and then... I said that I wanted to go up to my room, and I was going to go but then he picked me up and he carried me. He carried me through the door and across the hearth, and through the other door and up the stairs, and the tiger had just stayed behind, he followed us about to the hearth and then he stayed behind and just purred, like he knew what was going to happen... I, I didn't, but it seems after the fact like maybe (s)he did.

So, Odin, he carried me up my stairs, and I saw the windows again, he carried me into my room where the birds were all fluttering about, and he sat me on my bed, and then he held me close, and I could feel him take me... and it was so very intense. He was very loving and slow but so intense, and it actually knocked me out of the meditative trance state for a split second or so, and I didn't really know what to think of what had just happened, but then I felt very vulnerable and I asked him to hold me close and he did... and... oh, I asked him something, what did I ask him. Shoot. What was it? It was important.

Oh! I said, I said, how can I help Shawn? And he said, bring him here.

So, I think I shall have to bring Shawn to a meditation.

...I don't know how to do that. I should have asked him how but it seemed very obvious in the trance state, it just doesn't seem obvious at all now.

Then I was sitting on my bed and I rubbed my hands together, and when I rubbed them together I noticed it created these blue and golden... sparkles, like... magick. It was magick. Like, light sparkles, not like glitter. And if I rubbed my hands really hard and fast and then brought them apart from each other, it was like there was this magnetic field full of this... blue and gold... it was a light blue... light blue and gold... magick... light. It was like stars, is what it looked like, like little stars between my hands, and they would come out in this magnetic BEAM between my hands, and that's what I was doing when Lilian said it was time to come out of the meditation, and then everything was just engulfed in the stars, everything became the magick stars, and then I was so awake and everything was so clear that I quit the meditation early... it was a forty minute meditation, and I left it at 36 because I was just so AWAKE then, so I just left.





That's all.

[LifeAuras]

Started reading you Journal entries, they are addictive. Love the way you present information. Love how you describe your experiences about gods. My first gods will always be Goddess Auras and god of Life.

[Vervain]

11.9.2013

Today I entered my world by boat, the way I usually exit.
In the cave, there were glowing pictures on the wall, glowing green, triangles, the deathly hallows symbol, squiggly lines... writing? I couldn't read if so. Also there were some of the magic glowing flowers, but not in stalks, growing along the edges of the cave floor.



I moved through the forest, and came to a clearing full of golden light, there was my tiger on the other side, he came out of the trees and looked at me, and turned around, I knew I was supposed to follow. I followed, we went for a long time through the forest, not straight, we took a curvy tiger-forged path, the trees were sometimes thick and sometimes barely a forest, we came to the edge, there were the castle walls, presumably this was the part I couldn't see when I looked out the right window on previous days.


but not quite that dark, with more castle walls, and more koi

There was a pond in the center of the place we were, full of golden and orange and black and white koi fish, beautiful, kind of glowing... does everything glow here? Or only magickal things. Were the koi magickal? They just seemed like koi.
I took off my dress and dove in, I don't know why, but that's what my spiritual body did. I was under the water a little ways down, and I found myself face to face with a big orange koi, we looked at each other under the water, just stared at each other for a second. I came up to the surface, and tried to get out, but I had a white koi tail, with black spots, it weighed me down and I gave up for a second.


Close enough, whatever.

Then somehow I got out, I was sitting on the side, as my legs dried my tail went away, I stood up to go but then glowing writing appeared on the three walls around, it was very loopy and I couldn't read it, not English, not any alphabet I've ever seen, and then stones, big tall standing stones came out of the earth around the pond and when they rose up, I went to hug one of them, and when I hugged it, as I was hugging it, it spoke to me, it said, "Love is your way. Love is your gift." and I just kept hugging the big tall stone for a long while. My tiger was watching, he brushed against my legs, but I kept holding on.


Like that, but less people, more water.

After a while it was time to go, and I started up some stone stairs, and they went diagonally across a castle wall, and I got to a landing, and there were more stairs going up, but on the landing was a wooden door so I went through that and I found myself in a small in-between room, really more like a foyer than a room, that led to the kitchen. I noticed I was wearing my star dress still but it was floor-length and I had a cloak on as well, teal and silver and very lightweight. I went into the kitchen, and the whole room had this warm orange glow like it was on fire but it wasn't. It was a very warm and comforting place to be. I looked on the counter to my left and noticed there was a stone mortar and pestle powdering some herb by itself. Sage? Bay leaf? The kitchen smelled wonderful, like garlic and warmth, and on a stove there was a huge pot of soup/stew boiling down. Garlands of garlic hung all over the place, and herbs and drying meat hung too, and spices were everywhere. What a wonderful place to be, but all the cooking seemed to be doing itself. I sensed that there was a cook, a witch, a woman somewhere in charge of it all, but she was otherwise occupied and I did not get to meet her. I went through another door to the spiral stairs and went up them clockwise and out the door to the hearth room.


Close enough.

I nearly ran into the mantle coming out of the door, but then I picked up the sword off the mantle. I couldn't tell any details of it although I suspect it had writing on it, but when I picked it up and held it up in front of me I felt a shock throughout my body, like a large and very sudden burst of electric wind. I put the sword back and went to the garden.

When I got to the garden, the Valkyrie was there watering the plants with a big silver watering can. It was not the magickal water. The magickal tulip-like flowers I had grown were still there and growing, but not glowing as much as before, or as loudly as before. I wondered why. I thought about saying something to the Valkyrie but she looked up and smiled at me as if to let me know that she was not supposed to speak to me, or that she wouldn't. She was not unfriendly, but for some reason not supposed to speak to me. I wonder why. I didn't say anything.

She finished watering and was gone. I took off my cloak and dress and bathed myself by hand in the fountain water. All my skin felt so clear and clean and it almost glowed, I felt so healthy and wonderful. I put my cloak back on but my dress had disappeared.

I went and sat down in front of the big wooden double doors on the other end of the garden. I looked at them and studied their carved designs. There were four rows of designs. On the bottom row, the left door had carved in relief several rabbit, and the right door several snakes. The second row had on the left two foxes and on the right a few turtles or tortoises. The third row had my tiger on the left, and two ravens on the right. The very top row was narrow because the double doors were rounded at the top, and it had on it the sun surrounded by two crescent moons (facing it, the opposite direction of how crescents usually face in a triple moon), with dozens of stars on either side of that. When I had fully studied the doors I stood up and opened them towards me with both hands.

They opened into a great hall, much like the hearth room but filled with long wooden tables and glowing orange with torches and candles, and a great feast was taking place inside. I felt very alive, but no one noticed me come in. There was a fireplace to my immediate right, and on the far left side of the room (it was very long left to right from where I came in, not very wide the other way) there was a quartet of musicians and a juggler. I saw Odin standing at his seat on the far side of the room, toasting with four or five men about something or other. I saw Hel on the near side of the near table, she looked like a beautiful young woman, and then she turned her face to me so I could see who she was, and she smiled in a very friendly manner, and raised her silver chalice to me. Past Hel there was a door on the left that went out onto a balcony, the sky was FILLED with stars everywhere. There were so many that the sky felt closer than it was, it felt kind of like an enclosure of stars. I admired the stars.

Odin had seen me and followed me out. I was nervous. He held me under my cloak and took what he wanted. Again, it broke my trance state. Instead of a dome of stars, the balcony was then encased in a dome of rainbow light, it was very solid, and totally opaque. I didn't know what anything meant anymore. I was going to ask Odin a question but then he was gone. I don't remember what I was going to ask him, but after he left it didn't seem terribly important anymore. He didn't seem to be at the party, either, but I didn't look very hard. I went back through the doors, through my garden (instead of the magickal fountain there was a great tree growing there, in a small pool of the magickal water), through the hearth room and up to my tower. It was daytime again, despite having only been a minute or so. I admired the birds flying around for a few moments, and then I went over to my window which faced the forest, put my hands together above me, and dove out the window. I flew over the forest and landed near the cave. Inside the cave, I knelt against the left wall, crushed some of the glowing flowers, and used the syrup which came out to write on the wall in glowing green runes, "Thank you Odin, but I must go."

I think I will wait a few more days before coming back here. If I meditate again I will do another guided meditation about something completely different. In real life I have never had any really negative or nervous sexual experiences, but for some reason it makes me nervous for that to happen twice in a row in meditation, and with a god (or at least my inner self's projection of a god). Perhaps I will instead meditate on why that is.