Needing to talk...its LONG sorry!!

[Bellia_Arian]

Ok I need to talk, I think my friends are tired of hearing me....I need honest opinions! This is kinda personal, but like I said I feel comfortable here. Here's whats going on.

About a week ago, my ex and I split up. We had been dating for 6 months, we were together all the time always having fun and laughing. Thing is he's a full blown alcoholic, and has been for 15 years. He was single for 4 years before he met me...when we first started dating I had a job and he didn't. He didn't want to do anything other then drink and party and at that time I was drinking heavy myself because I had just gotten out of a relationship before him. After about a month or two he asked me to move in with him, I did. We were both starting to catch serious feelings for each other, one night we both ended up saying "I love you". Like I said we always got along, NO matter what we always enjoyed each others company. We had some pretty good times together.

BUT...I think it was a week or so before Thanksgiving he come home at 1 in the morning very drunk. That wasn't like him to come home at that time and not let me know anything. When he come home he was MEAN! Yelled at me and said some pretty bad things, things that broke my heart. He even told me to get out!! The next morning before he left for work(he got a job by this time) he apologized to me I asked if he remembered what he said and he didn't. Long story short, this happened two more times do to alcohol. Finally the last time, I moved out.

We still talk, and we still miss each other...I love him and he loves me. He said he was tired of the fighting...Here's the only thing I can come up with. He was single for 4 years before he met me, used to drinking and doing whatever he wanted. My drinking slowed down A LOT, there were times that I went out with him but wanted to come home and he didn't. I think he thought that I was trying to change him, when I wasn't...I just didn't want him to be so mean, sober he has the BIGGEST heart ever and he's a real gentle man, but add alcohol and he's a mess.

He let me stay with him for two nights...on the second night we did our thing *cough*...then the next morning I left. My heart hurts so bad and I miss him horribly. He's even said he loves me and misses me, but when I ask him if I could come see him he tells me no. WHY?! There's still a lot of my stuff in his house, and I still have his key, which he hasn't asked for back. He hasn't told me to get any of my stuff either. What's going on?! Do I not contact him for a while, do I let him come to me?! I don't know what to do and I've been so depressed. Can someone please give me some advice?!

[Xiao Rong]

Sorry to break it to you ... but this sounds like the sort of thing where he needs to get himself sorted out first before the two of you could pursue a healthy, long-term, non-abusive relationship. At least in my opinion, just because he's nice when he's sober doesn't make him a good man if he can do that to you when he's under the influence. If I were in your situation, I'd contact him just enough to get your stuff back and give him back the key, but it's not good for either of you to be together.

[SnowCat]

Recruit a member of law enforcement to go with you to get your stuff and return the key. You don't want to be accused of trespassing and theft. Then, get a restraining order and run as fast as you can.

Frosty

[Bellia_Arian]

Thanks guys...I haven't slept for a week seriously. Up and down all night, can't stop thinkin. Bad part is, he puts it all off on me. I'm to blame for us fighting...Thanks for listening to me grump!

[Firebird]

I'm with Xiao and Snow...the man needs help and you can't give it to him. I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. Abuse starts small (usually) and then escalates over time. There are plenty of alcoholics that don't get abusive, so unfortunately we can't blame it on the alcohol. The fact that he is blaming the fighting on you, is classic abuser. These types are not likely to change, and if they are, it is with a great deal of counseling and help. Seeking counseling or an Al-Anon group for yourself might help through these rough days. Do get your stuff out of his place, he may be saving it to use as a bargaining chip later on...Like Snow said if you can get a law enforcement officer to go with you...good plan....in any case do not go by yourself. I wish you the best. Firebird

[Bellia_Arian]

Thanks Firebird...

It's been a stressful week, which led to me having to go to the er yesterday morning. He is (when drunk) very verbally abusive. Not physical, his brother told me that he's afraid one of these days that something might happen and he's tried to get him into a rehab but he refused help said he didn't have a problem.

I just can't believe how we went from being SO happy together to all this mess...and yes I catch the blame every single time. thanks tho everyone for listening to me and talking to me about it. I really only have a basket of clothes there but the biggest thing I'm worried about getting is my 73' flat screen. I do love him, I honestly do, just WISH he didn't drink so much.

[Firebird]

Oh dear Honey, are you ok?
Abuse doesn't have to be physical to be damaging. In fact verbal abuse is possibly more dangerous than physical abuse. I urge you to do some research on abuse, if you can,... seek out your local shelter for domestic violence, and see if they have any counseling. It is the hardest thing in the world to imagine the one you love, would hurt you. If you still have the key, I would go get your clothes while he is at work. You might wan to take the TV if you have receipts, although he is likely to say you stole it. You might want to cut your losses where the TV is concerned, and just leave it there ...with the key. Then leave and don't look back. There is someone out there who will treat you right. The counseling will help, because once we get into these kinds of dis-functional relationships...we tend to perpetuate the problem, and let the same kind of abusive person into our lives once again, and they will help you to understand the dynamic so that you can move on to a healthy one.
Blessings, Firebird

[SnowCat]

Bottom line: what's worth more? The TV or your life? You can get another TV. We can't get another you.

Frosty

[Bellia_Arian]

Yes I'm ok, just had a really bad migraine. Just lack of sleep and worrying all the time...I couldn't take anything for it because I'd just get sick so it didn't help. I think last night after the er visit was the first time I've gotten good sleep in a week! I'm just trying to stay calm, ya know and not think so much lol other then when I'm reading up on stuff like oils and such. But thank you guys so much for talking with me, I do really appriciate it! I did make a post in the spell section, it was about a love spell, could someone read it and explain it to me? I just have a collection of different love spells in my book, also I'm reading up on oils and herbs...I made a post about an oil too if someone could help there. Thanks again for listening to me!