Letting Go

[missbelladonna]

Hi everyone!

If you've read my posts before, you'll know that I've worked really hard to improve myself and get my life together after some traumatic experiences I had in high school. However, I'm ashamed to say that these experiences made me cold. I think before I met the people who were involved, I was very open minded to all sorts of people. I was also very empathetic to people who were struggling themselves. Now, I just kind of find myself being mean? I'd never be mean to someone's face, but I make fun of a lot of people in my head.

I don't think it's terrible to make fun of people in your head if you don't say anything to their face, but usually the things that get under my skin are the choices that people make. I am certainly more judgmental than I used to be. I think it's because of the people involved in my high school experience were people with purple hair that smoke and drink and have very liberal values (which I very much used to).

So I'm not really concerned with me making fun of people in my head. I'm concerned about the reason I do it. I used to be a very open and accepting person, but I think what changed in me was because of that traumatic experience. I think maybe my abuser wouldn't have done all those things if he didn't smoke or drink and if he didn't drop out of high school. Then, I project that onto other people, and I know that's not okay because I know that not all people who do those things can be bad and I can't attribute it to what happened to me.

I think I'm still very confused about why what happened happened, and that's why I have so much bitterness inside of me. I think if I can let go and learn to be kind again, I'll get more of the love and kindness that I deserve as well. I know I have a right to be angry and confused, I'm ready to move on.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do spiritually to help me? How can I practice being kinder despite what I feel? What deities are good for healing? How can I make a plan?

[Tylluan]

It sounds completely normal and like self preservation to me. You've been through a trauma and your subconscious triggers an alarm. Your conscious them takes that information and 'warns' you. I think its something you'll have for a while yet. At this stage all you can do is acknowledge it as a self defence and congratulate yourself for being alert. It will help relax you on an inner level, but one that doesn't mean you have to relive it all again.

Its not like you are just picking on people for the sake of it. You've survived an experience that you don't want to repeat. This is defence. Be defensive, there is nothing wrong with it. Eventually you'll have the thoughts less and less until you won't notice.

If it really bothers you, you can acknowledge something 'nice' about them after the initial defensive thoughts. It will help.

The biggest thing you can do is be kind to yourself. Its not your fault.

xx

[SpiritTalker]

Just a thought on perception: abusers don't abuse because they drink, dope & drop out. Those are signs of the self-neglect & abuse they inflict on themselves. It should alert us that they will likely abuse others until they admit the need to stop &'get help if they want it.

So i think that when you're making fun of people's choices you are in effect teaching yourself to recognize signs of their possible forms of self-abuse. It's a "defense mechanism" to protect one's Self from what occurred in the past. You wouldn't be bothered by this unsympathetic reaction if it were coming from a blackened spirit. The fact that it bugs you is a good sign of your self-balance returning. So give yourself a hug.

In the past as an empathic individual you may have been open & trusting but without protection because judgement and empathy need to mesh together. Being open does not equate with suspending judgement. We have an obligation to protect ourselves. I think you get that.

We can substitute judgmental attitudes with critical thinking without becoming cynical or mean spirited by asking questions of the situation: what benefit do they get from X behavior? are they internally awake, or afraid to wake-up? This opens to a reasonable compassion without boot licking or in reverse, boot-wiping. Also, a little mental self-examination of why those triggers set us off helps to disconnect the fuses so we don't keep uber-reacting to a pattern. It's surprising how asking questions moves things along. So 2 helpful questions are: what do they get out of it & why does it bug me?

When we recognize patterns we can stop repeating them. We can then substitute the patterns we want to decorate our soul with; so a next question is: does something need to be done about it? It may have been nullified with recognizing the trigger, so nothing needs to be done. You can't tell until you get past the trigger defusing. We can't skip ahead, or bypass defusing the triggers, no matter how much we wish we could. That's why it takes time -grrr.

I know this is long winded. It's a process.

(Edit: I had to take a few hours break.)

What can you do spiritually? Practice ways to tell yourself you forgive yourself for triggered auto-responses. Look in the mirror and say it. Focus on your eyes & repeat until you see them soften. That's enough for that day.

Art therapy has possibilities. Make an art journal with an artists' drawing pad, water colors, crayons, gluestick, cut up magazines or what have you. Pretty pictures aren't the object. You write your feelings as part of the pictures. Check you.tube & websites for art journaling. It's amazing.

Journaling ... writing stream of consciousness style: I feel X &'it's because Y which makes me feel Z & I want to X ... Etc. You don't have to go back & read it, just get it out whether it makes sense or not. It doesn't matter how often a scenarios repeats. Just write it out of your system.

How can you practice being kinder despite what you feel? When we ask "what do they get out of X behavior?" it let's us see the other person more clearly. And "why does X bother me?" helps us see that our response is in our control. It nudges us towards that place of power within ourselves.

What deities are good for healing? Kwan Yin, Goddess of mercy & compassion.

How can you make a plan? Know your immediate goal & break it down to small, do-able pieces. Assess your resources. Do what you can, a bit at a time.

[missbelladonna]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

I think I've definitely lost touch with the fact that I am allowed to be angry over what happened. I'm glad you guys brought to my attention that I'm not just being bitter. I'm quite relieved that I'm not just mean

Thank you for all the suggests, SpiritTalker, I love the art therapy idea a lot.

Again, thank you all for being so supportive.

[Firebird]

Art therapy has possibilities. Make an art journal with an artists' drawing pad, water colors, crayons, gluestick, cut up magazines or what have you. Pretty pictures aren't the object. You write your feelings as part of the pictures. Check you.tube & websites for art journaling. It's amazing.

One of my favorite ways to overcome trauma.
BTW I can completely relate to what you are saying missbelladonna, I think it's a process.
BB, FF

[SnowCat]

Being cold after a trauma is normal, and it's actually healthy. It's like a time out for your psyche, and it takes as long as it takes. Eventually, you can separate the behavior from the person, and you really dislike the behavior, but you're okay with the person. Or, if it's someone you don't have to encounter again, or at least not often, you just wash your hands of them. I have to see the idiot orthopedic surgeon two more times, but then I'm done with her.