Dealing with the grief of a stillborn child.

[Mandie Moonstone]

My nephews daughter was stillborn two days ago at 37 weeks. Poor thing had the cord around her neck. Both he and the mother are in their early twenties. I feel so sad for them both.

My dilemma is that his mother wants my husband and myself to speak to them since we have experience with this, we lost our son to SIDS at 6 weeks of age when we were 20. It's a path neither of us want to go down again. I told her if they wanted to talk to us we're here for them but I doubt they will. We only see each other at family holidays.

We've told them how deeply sorry we are and how much we love them. We aren't close to them but they are family and it hurts to know their suffering. We barely made it through that pain, we clung to each other and shut the world out until it wasn't as raw.
They are having a burial service for the baby and she will be buried beside our son. I don't think I can physically go through that, I've blocked out so much of that time with my son because it was just too painful to feel and keep my sanity.

I don't want to come off as cold or uncaring because I won't attend, I will bring flowers for her grave now every time I put flowers on my sons but to be standing in that cemetery and watch another tiny casket be lowered, and have it be right beside my son's so i'm literally in the same place it makes me physically ill thinking about it.

I would love to have a nice poem or passage to add to the letter I'm sending them. I don't want to use the "god has a plan" or "heaven needed another angel" stuff that I heard when I was grieving. (I swore the next person who told me that was going to get decked on the mouth. I was so hurt but so angry too.)
If anyone knows of something I can add, please let me know.

[Firebird]

Oh Mandie, How difficult and tragic, It must be terribly hard to even have to think about that path. So sorry you are dealing with loss at this time of year. The thing about funerals is that they are for the living, and if you are having anxiety about reliving your own loss, I totally understand. It wouldn't be helping. You have to take care of you. I think sending something is a good idea however, I usually draw a blank for constructive words when someone crosses over. When a baby dies, this is something no one should have to experience. I wish I had a really great saying, but I really don't. I never know what to say, sorry seems so empty. For those who had some living behind them, it would make sense that perfect wisdom had been achieved, so I think that could apply to infants as well.
This is my very favorite poem, and one I usually recite at a funerals... it is so very "Taliesin" but the author is unknown.
Reminding one the fact that energy never dies ...it changes forms.


Firebird

[Kassandra]

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Mandie Moonstone, firstly, condolences on the loss of your son. It may have been many years ago, but the loss is still painful. And how devastating for your nephew and his wife. It is totally understandable that you don't want to go to that funeral, as it's just too overwhelming for your heart right now. You have to do what's right for you.

Hope the wording that ff posted is helpful, but even just sending a simple condolence card without any particular poem would mean a lot. Or maybe could you have a small funeral flower bouquet sent to the nephew's mom, and have her put them on the grave on your behalf that day. I wonder if something like that would be OK. Flowers, in themselves, are kind of healing.




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[Mandie Moonstone]

Oh Mandie, How difficult and tragic, It must be terribly hard to even have to think about that path. So sorry you are dealing with loss at this time of year. The thing about funerals is that they are for the living, and if you are having anxiety about reliving your own loss, I totally understand. It wouldn't be helping. You have to take care of you. I think sending something is a good idea however, I usually draw a blank for constructive words when someone crosses over. When a baby dies, this is something no one should have to experience. I wish I had a really great saying, but I really don't. I never know what to say, sorry seems so empty. For those who had some living behind them, it would make sense that perfect wisdom had been achieved, so I think that could apply to infants as well.
This is my very favorite poem, and one I usually recite at a funerals... it is so very "Taliesin" but the author is unknown.
Reminding one the fact that energy never dies ...it changes forms.


Firebird

That is beautiful, I think I will include that in my note to them. Thanks Firebird.

[Mandie Moonstone]

.Mandie Moonstone, firstly, condolences on the loss of your son. It may have been many years ago, but the loss is still painful. And how devastating for your nephew and his wife. It is totally understandable that you don't want to go to that funeral, as it's just too overwhelming for your heart right now. You have to do what's right for you.

Hope the wording that ff posted is helpful, but even just sending a simple condolence card without any particular poem would mean a lot. Or maybe could you have a small funeral flower bouquet sent to the nephew's mom, and have her put them on the grave on your behalf that day. I wonder if something like that would be OK. Flowers, in themselves, are kind of healing.

Thanks Kassandra. I think I will send some pink and white daisy's since they represent purity and innocence.



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[Mandie Moonstone]

I wanted to thank both of you for replying, it's nice to know someone understands you. I don't expect my husbands family to be as understanding but I honestly would be of no comfort to anyone standing there reliving the worst memory of my life. All I can do is explain my absence in the note to my nephew and hope they can accept it.

[Firebird]

Being a florist, I really like the idea of a bundle of flowers, that always has the message of I feel for you, and I hope this can brighten even a small corner of your life at this really horrible time. Lilies has the life everlasting symbolism attached to them, maybe that would work.
Are you able to talk to the nephews wife much? Perhaps you two could find some healing in your support of her. When we talk about trauma with other trauma survivors, it aids the healing process, ...lets one know they aren't alone...especially since they days to come are going to be rough ..as you know.
Wishing you light this Winter season Mandie...do be good to yourself.
Blessings, Firebird