I meant to start my daily workings with my gifts from the goddess, in one way i have by starting up my jewelry business with out the gift of creativity i wouldn't have my sanity. But I wanted to start working with my other gifts again.
I've been sleeping with a small pouch i created when I first returned to this path years ago, it was intended to help me remember my dreams come the morning time. I've been feeling so blocked lately. I thought meditation would help... little did I know the block was effecting that was well.
I just couldn't put my finger on it, it wasn't just my depression and it wasn't just the BPD...there was something else. A couple of conversations last night lead me to the conclusion. I was still carrying around the guilt and self-loathing for not having my daughter....
At the end of the talks at 4:30 in the morning I was in tears feeling a release I was feeling for the first time. Last night I stopped blaming myself and finally put the blame where it should have been all along, on the ER doctor and nurses who refused to tell me if I had been pregnant or not, the doctor for repeatedly offering me the pills without giving me a chance to think, him and the nurses for not giving me the time to sober up from the drugs and alchohol and to recover from the shock of being raped, beaten, and almost choked to death. I was not given a chance to process what had happened to me and when everyone was waiting on my pregnancy result the room was quiet other than the police rambling on throwing questions at me that I was trying to answer.
My little Alyssa isn't here with me today because of them, they took the choice from me with their actions, and its about time that I forgive myself for my part in the matter.
I think after the next day or so my head will be clearer and my depression and BPD will settle down again. I was able to focus on my jewelry making starting orders and finishing some and making new pieces for the site. Now I want to sketch out a piece of jewelry I'll wear daily as a reminder of my little one, in hopes that she'll be with me again someday in the future, that she'll have the life she wasn't given this time around.
Zili's Life Blog
the past couple of days I've been doing my tarot card readings each day i do a "Past, Present, Future" spread about the day before or with a certain feeling in mind. The results show my growth and determination to beat my past. They also show success and creativity coming my way which I can only thing of my jewelry store currently as I haven't continued to work on typing and editing my novel. the jewelry store has become priority work wise in my life right now. But the one thing that gets me is that I keep getting a card that means "a happy ending." Which confuses me, it always comes up when I'm thinking of my boyfriend. I'm going to visit him Wednesday and I'm staying the night with him as per usual.
Recently he closed his account on the dating site where we reconnected (having first had a small encounter at the Texas Ren Fest in 2008. and Having mutual friends from the Ren Fest.) You are given several options at to why you are deleting your account "I give up" "Found someone on Facebook" "Found someone offline" and even "I met someone here." There's no need to shut down your account unless you don't feel like having one anymore because you do give up, or that you are happy with your current relationship and you've found what you think you'll be happy with.
I knew that a few months ago there was going to be a major shift in our relationship when his son reached 5 or 6 months old. Since the plans for me to move in haven't changed, I can only hope that this "happy end" doesn't mean a happy end to our relationship unless it refers to the shift being positive....because if things were to end now it wouldn't be happy it would be devastating as I've already fallen quite hard for him. He's made every effort to have me involved in his son's life so I don't believe he'd have me come stay with him overnight just to end things. I also don't believe he wants too end things....sure he's been quiet lately but that's because of the move, he's moved from the old apartment to a new one where the ex can't find them so he can keep his son safe. (also to take the baby away from the other room mate with a child since that room mate is an alcoholic who refuses to care for her own daughter properly.) It took them until yesterday to move every last thing out of the old apartment, so now they are un packing. he'll talke to me when they get a long break like after dinner, but those are few and far inbetween he and his room mates are trying to set up house so they don't have to live out of their boxes for weeks on end. Pretty obvious that he doesn't have much time to txt me.
With the conversations my mom had with me yesterday and last night, I'm pretty sure she suspects a major change coming on... (we haven't told her about me moving in with him yet...we are waiting until our 1st year anniversary to do so because that will be right before my college graduation) If mom's trying to dig around about what I want my wedding to be like and how I feel about the relationship... she wants to remain in denial that we are pretty serious, but she wants confirmation of how serious we are as well... human nature and a mother's worry and all of that. I have a darn good feeling that last night she wanted me to tell her that he's the one...but I didn't tell her that (although I wanted too) but I'm trying to show her that I'm thinking things through not just jumping in.
In conclusion we'll find out what the cards meant after I get back on Thursday or Friday
Recently he closed his account on the dating site where we reconnected (having first had a small encounter at the Texas Ren Fest in 2008. and Having mutual friends from the Ren Fest.) You are given several options at to why you are deleting your account "I give up" "Found someone on Facebook" "Found someone offline" and even "I met someone here." There's no need to shut down your account unless you don't feel like having one anymore because you do give up, or that you are happy with your current relationship and you've found what you think you'll be happy with.
I knew that a few months ago there was going to be a major shift in our relationship when his son reached 5 or 6 months old. Since the plans for me to move in haven't changed, I can only hope that this "happy end" doesn't mean a happy end to our relationship unless it refers to the shift being positive....because if things were to end now it wouldn't be happy it would be devastating as I've already fallen quite hard for him. He's made every effort to have me involved in his son's life so I don't believe he'd have me come stay with him overnight just to end things. I also don't believe he wants too end things....sure he's been quiet lately but that's because of the move, he's moved from the old apartment to a new one where the ex can't find them so he can keep his son safe. (also to take the baby away from the other room mate with a child since that room mate is an alcoholic who refuses to care for her own daughter properly.) It took them until yesterday to move every last thing out of the old apartment, so now they are un packing. he'll talke to me when they get a long break like after dinner, but those are few and far inbetween he and his room mates are trying to set up house so they don't have to live out of their boxes for weeks on end. Pretty obvious that he doesn't have much time to txt me.
With the conversations my mom had with me yesterday and last night, I'm pretty sure she suspects a major change coming on... (we haven't told her about me moving in with him yet...we are waiting until our 1st year anniversary to do so because that will be right before my college graduation) If mom's trying to dig around about what I want my wedding to be like and how I feel about the relationship... she wants to remain in denial that we are pretty serious, but she wants confirmation of how serious we are as well... human nature and a mother's worry and all of that. I have a darn good feeling that last night she wanted me to tell her that he's the one...but I didn't tell her that (although I wanted too) but I'm trying to show her that I'm thinking things through not just jumping in.
In conclusion we'll find out what the cards meant after I get back on Thursday or Friday
I had an intervention on Sunday for my friend who called me a month ago wanting to commit suicide, the intervention wasn't about her depression alone though, in fact we barely touched on that. This intervention was about her life in general, she has not been able to get a job here and ever since her old room mates kicked her out, she wasn't able to handle school she went from being an honor student to being a college drop out. She hasn't been able to care for herself, (doesn't shower for weeks, not brushing her teeth, or eating properly, etc.) Her life was going no where and her girlfriend had become overbearing and controlling. She needed help, so our friend and myself got together, called her parents and set up this intervention, so she could see her options and we could have her make a list of pros and cons about each one and let her make the decision that she thought would be best for herself.
Day ONE-we got her to see that moving back with her parents was the best thing for her happiness and well being in the long run. She'll be able to get back on her feet with the help of her family. We helped pack up half of her belonging and loaded her parents' cars. She needed another friend to help her deal with all of this rather than just me and our other friend, the one friend she wanted to be with hurt me pretty bad in high school, i don't trust this person, she wants to make amends but she screwed me after high school as well, but I was the bigger person and set aside our past issues for my friend.
My friend's girlfriend got word from their boyfriend (poly relationship) about my friend moving back home and was pissed it hadn't come from my friend first, thing is she was still on the phone with their boyfriend when the girl friend stormed over. She demanded to be told what was going on but wouldn't wait for my friend to get off the phone so our other friend who got the intervention set up explained what was going on. The girlfriend through up a bitch fit which was expected and stormed off. She then txt'd my friend about her moving back home saying "why didn't you tell me" and so on, and then proceeded to tell her she had to stay here with her. Me and the friend who put this together took over txting her trying to help her gain some control over herself and to see that this isn't a bad thing going on...of course she's mad, but she's the center of attention type so she turned this whole thing into an attack against her.
We figured it was best to let her cool off for a while and our friend after having gone through the intervention needed to take her mind off of her girlfriend going crazy, so we were going to go swimming.
This is when my own business from the past got mixed up into it and drained the rest of my energy for the day. The man who hosted the party i was raped at was at the pool and I couldn't stay there because I don't know who all is talking to my rapist, I didn't want the girls to miss out on swimming so I told one of them that I had to go, so i went back to her apartment (she was my ride for the day so i could help her with the intervention.) My two friends thought I was having a flash back after seeing him, but I wasn't I was just so angry that I still can't do much in this town with out running into one of the bastards....i was just frustrated. We decided to end day one.
Day TWO- I wake up to a txt from the friend who set up the intervention, another friend of our friend that is now moving has our friend thinking of getting her stuff back from her parents and staying in here. No one got to talk to her after that she stayed with the girl i knew from high school.
Later I get a txt from the girlfriend blaming me accusing me. it said "Because of you my life is f*cked!" My friend is breaking up with her due to the move (i suspect she's finally realized that her girlfriend was suffocating her) but she was also blaming me for them losing their apartment (the final day of their eviction notice grace period was today.)
I'd really like to know how I'm to blame for them not paying rent. I tried to help my friend get a job, I never borrowed money from them, the only reason I can see is that I refused to loan them $900. Excuse me, I don't owe them money, I never lived with them so I didn't pay rent with them. How am i to blame for their eviction? I'm not, and I told her just that.
Day THREE- I get a txt last night from the gf, as of last night she moved to another town about 3 hours away so she could live with her boyfriend, this would also mean that she didn't put in a two weeks notice to her job and didn't get an official transfer, so now she's out of a job but there's several fast food places near her new home so she'll be able to get a job.
My friend moving in with her parents is actually moving into a cabin on their property, so she'll be living on her own but will have family close by to help her. She's also near her doctor now so they can continue to work on her depression, and there's more places hireirng in that town.
Conclusion, my friend and her girlfriend will be fine in a year or so, my other friend and myself that put this all together were drained of all energy, and we are still recovering.
my friend who set this up is going to be a shrink for a living, this was her first attempt at a huge ordeal, thankfully a successful one, but now realizes she'll need to get in touch with a reiki practitioner to help clear her chakra's after intense sessions
I still haven't had a chance to do my own cleansing since the ordeal as my own personal ordeal with my past is continuing, there's several factors playing in on this and until they are fixed, cleaning wont do much good.... I'll have an answer to my physical health problems in a month or two, but as for my physical well being outside of medical means, that's still in danger and will be until the creep is arrested, and the police think they'll have to use me as bait... this is definitely emotionally draining.
Day ONE-we got her to see that moving back with her parents was the best thing for her happiness and well being in the long run. She'll be able to get back on her feet with the help of her family. We helped pack up half of her belonging and loaded her parents' cars. She needed another friend to help her deal with all of this rather than just me and our other friend, the one friend she wanted to be with hurt me pretty bad in high school, i don't trust this person, she wants to make amends but she screwed me after high school as well, but I was the bigger person and set aside our past issues for my friend.
My friend's girlfriend got word from their boyfriend (poly relationship) about my friend moving back home and was pissed it hadn't come from my friend first, thing is she was still on the phone with their boyfriend when the girl friend stormed over. She demanded to be told what was going on but wouldn't wait for my friend to get off the phone so our other friend who got the intervention set up explained what was going on. The girlfriend through up a bitch fit which was expected and stormed off. She then txt'd my friend about her moving back home saying "why didn't you tell me" and so on, and then proceeded to tell her she had to stay here with her. Me and the friend who put this together took over txting her trying to help her gain some control over herself and to see that this isn't a bad thing going on...of course she's mad, but she's the center of attention type so she turned this whole thing into an attack against her.
We figured it was best to let her cool off for a while and our friend after having gone through the intervention needed to take her mind off of her girlfriend going crazy, so we were going to go swimming.
This is when my own business from the past got mixed up into it and drained the rest of my energy for the day. The man who hosted the party i was raped at was at the pool and I couldn't stay there because I don't know who all is talking to my rapist, I didn't want the girls to miss out on swimming so I told one of them that I had to go, so i went back to her apartment (she was my ride for the day so i could help her with the intervention.) My two friends thought I was having a flash back after seeing him, but I wasn't I was just so angry that I still can't do much in this town with out running into one of the bastards....i was just frustrated. We decided to end day one.
Day TWO- I wake up to a txt from the friend who set up the intervention, another friend of our friend that is now moving has our friend thinking of getting her stuff back from her parents and staying in here. No one got to talk to her after that she stayed with the girl i knew from high school.
Later I get a txt from the girlfriend blaming me accusing me. it said "Because of you my life is f*cked!" My friend is breaking up with her due to the move (i suspect she's finally realized that her girlfriend was suffocating her) but she was also blaming me for them losing their apartment (the final day of their eviction notice grace period was today.)
I'd really like to know how I'm to blame for them not paying rent. I tried to help my friend get a job, I never borrowed money from them, the only reason I can see is that I refused to loan them $900. Excuse me, I don't owe them money, I never lived with them so I didn't pay rent with them. How am i to blame for their eviction? I'm not, and I told her just that.
Day THREE- I get a txt last night from the gf, as of last night she moved to another town about 3 hours away so she could live with her boyfriend, this would also mean that she didn't put in a two weeks notice to her job and didn't get an official transfer, so now she's out of a job but there's several fast food places near her new home so she'll be able to get a job.
My friend moving in with her parents is actually moving into a cabin on their property, so she'll be living on her own but will have family close by to help her. She's also near her doctor now so they can continue to work on her depression, and there's more places hireirng in that town.
Conclusion, my friend and her girlfriend will be fine in a year or so, my other friend and myself that put this all together were drained of all energy, and we are still recovering.
my friend who set this up is going to be a shrink for a living, this was her first attempt at a huge ordeal, thankfully a successful one, but now realizes she'll need to get in touch with a reiki practitioner to help clear her chakra's after intense sessions
I still haven't had a chance to do my own cleansing since the ordeal as my own personal ordeal with my past is continuing, there's several factors playing in on this and until they are fixed, cleaning wont do much good.... I'll have an answer to my physical health problems in a month or two, but as for my physical well being outside of medical means, that's still in danger and will be until the creep is arrested, and the police think they'll have to use me as bait... this is definitely emotionally draining.
THE INTERVENTION CONTINUED:
the gf is now in Austin, but the friend we were helping allowed my ex friend from high school to convince her to stay here and apply for a high stress job, if she couldn't handle taco bell she can't handle working for the prison units!
she let one controlling person out of her life and let another in when she knew that this was exactly what this person does!!!!
I'm so pissed off right now!!!!! Her family gave up their time to come here and help her, our friend and myself gave up our time to help her, because we are all concerned for her well being. 2 days of no energy to help her out and I'm slowly getting some back when she pull this on us!!!!!!!!!! She threw our help back into our faces.
I can't help those who wont help themselves she was warned about this person, and she allowed her into her life any ways and she's making changes based on what this person wants instead of thinking for herself again, I can't help someone who keeps doing the same things over and over and knows that's its what they are doing, she's craving this sort of attention for some reason and its not something I can break her of. its going to take a true professional, one she wont go see, to help her, so I wash my hands of this whole mess, I wash my hands of her ex gf, and i wash my hands of her.
I want my energy back, not for it to keep being sucked away.
the gf is now in Austin, but the friend we were helping allowed my ex friend from high school to convince her to stay here and apply for a high stress job, if she couldn't handle taco bell she can't handle working for the prison units!
she let one controlling person out of her life and let another in when she knew that this was exactly what this person does!!!!
I'm so pissed off right now!!!!! Her family gave up their time to come here and help her, our friend and myself gave up our time to help her, because we are all concerned for her well being. 2 days of no energy to help her out and I'm slowly getting some back when she pull this on us!!!!!!!!!! She threw our help back into our faces.
I can't help those who wont help themselves she was warned about this person, and she allowed her into her life any ways and she's making changes based on what this person wants instead of thinking for herself again, I can't help someone who keeps doing the same things over and over and knows that's its what they are doing, she's craving this sort of attention for some reason and its not something I can break her of. its going to take a true professional, one she wont go see, to help her, so I wash my hands of this whole mess, I wash my hands of her ex gf, and i wash my hands of her.
I want my energy back, not for it to keep being sucked away.
Perhaps the search is over and I need to accept that I am and will always be an eclectic pagan. I've wanted a focus but i can't ignore certain things, such as my totems, I also can't ignore Gaia who isn't native american, I can't ignore that I'm a kitchen witch, and i can't ignore that I perfer a prayer stick to a wand.
there is no denying who I am and my beliefs are very much a part of that.
why am I deciding the search is over so soon? well its not "soon" i've been searching for 10 years now for my "calling." after being wtih my student pagan association friends for the last two days and talking with the president (the only person in the group above me)/our resident expert on the Greek pantheon, and then consulting with my boyfriend who i like to call my "expert" on Apollo....they agree that even though Apollo comes and goes, he's definitely trying to get my attention. All of us are slightly shocked that Helios didn't call me, considering Gaia is a titan and not in the same "ranks" as Apollo. It would have made more sense if Helios called me, but who am I to argue with the deities? Apollo is contacting me for some reason or another, he is after all a god of creativity and my creativity is blossoming now...
and no sooner does all of this happen i feel myself being pulled towards my gypsy heritage.
We are what we are I guess, and as an American mutt with so many different heritages running through my veins my spirit wants to reconnect with all of it. Who am I to deny this? it will happen sooner or later and there's nothing to stop me now except myself so why not step in to the waters of change?
there is no denying who I am and my beliefs are very much a part of that.
why am I deciding the search is over so soon? well its not "soon" i've been searching for 10 years now for my "calling." after being wtih my student pagan association friends for the last two days and talking with the president (the only person in the group above me)/our resident expert on the Greek pantheon, and then consulting with my boyfriend who i like to call my "expert" on Apollo....they agree that even though Apollo comes and goes, he's definitely trying to get my attention. All of us are slightly shocked that Helios didn't call me, considering Gaia is a titan and not in the same "ranks" as Apollo. It would have made more sense if Helios called me, but who am I to argue with the deities? Apollo is contacting me for some reason or another, he is after all a god of creativity and my creativity is blossoming now...
and no sooner does all of this happen i feel myself being pulled towards my gypsy heritage.
We are what we are I guess, and as an American mutt with so many different heritages running through my veins my spirit wants to reconnect with all of it. Who am I to deny this? it will happen sooner or later and there's nothing to stop me now except myself so why not step in to the waters of change?