I've been working on this since April 28th 2008...after two years of hard work this is what I got...tell me what you think.
http://storymash.com/u/Renthead96/popuwega/
Book.
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YouRupturedMySilence
You have a lot of grammar mistakes, and the story is rushed, however it is interesting and I would like to read more when you write more. Just try to slow down in your writing. Details are good, and you should look up the proper way to format when your characters are talking, because it should not be in a paragraph.
Example:
"I went to the store today," she said, looking directly at him as he sat in the oversized red chair. She could not help but notice how his white-blond hair clashed with the darkness of the room behind him and how his eyes, when fixed upon her, flashed with anger.
"I noticed." He replied, still staring her down intently, "however I failed to notice where you went AFTER the store."
"What?" She gasped, not understanding how he could have known about her side-trip. Her hands started to shake with fear, but she held his gaze, trying to stay strong.
Each time someone says something you have to start a new paragraph, unless it is a continuation of the same sentence. Also, throw in a TON of details, like I tried to do. It helps to create the emotions and the tensions that your characters are supposed to be feeling. You want the readers to be able to get that tension as well.
Sorry to be a downer, but I'm just trying to be honest and critical so that you can make it the best story ever written. I'm going to be a book editor someday (that's what I'm in college for). However, I don't want you to think all I will say is negative things. I truly enjoyed your storyline, and it's a very unique plot. I'm guessing it's a little bit about you? Are you the child from 1990 on June 25th? If not, that's still a cool way of connecting our world to a different one. Please keep writing, and I'm sorry if you take anything I sat as too critical, I'm just trying to help.
Example:
"I went to the store today," she said, looking directly at him as he sat in the oversized red chair. She could not help but notice how his white-blond hair clashed with the darkness of the room behind him and how his eyes, when fixed upon her, flashed with anger.
"I noticed." He replied, still staring her down intently, "however I failed to notice where you went AFTER the store."
"What?" She gasped, not understanding how he could have known about her side-trip. Her hands started to shake with fear, but she held his gaze, trying to stay strong.
Each time someone says something you have to start a new paragraph, unless it is a continuation of the same sentence. Also, throw in a TON of details, like I tried to do. It helps to create the emotions and the tensions that your characters are supposed to be feeling. You want the readers to be able to get that tension as well.
Sorry to be a downer, but I'm just trying to be honest and critical so that you can make it the best story ever written. I'm going to be a book editor someday (that's what I'm in college for). However, I don't want you to think all I will say is negative things. I truly enjoyed your storyline, and it's a very unique plot. I'm guessing it's a little bit about you? Are you the child from 1990 on June 25th? If not, that's still a cool way of connecting our world to a different one. Please keep writing, and I'm sorry if you take anything I sat as too critical, I'm just trying to help.