Yup, that's me. Sure it's not the name my parents chose for me, it's not the name any who know me would recognise, excepting those who know my deviantart I guess, which totals about one person. It's the name I chose for myself, not to hide, but to open possibilities. It means, literally translated, Little Dragon of Fire. Fire is my element, and I love dragons. They're powerful, beautiful, mythical creatures. Inspiring and comforting. To me, anyway.
Yeah, the usual life story...a bit of background
I've been interested in "paranormal" and "supernatural" things as long as I can remember, and whilst I was baptised, and even went to a Christian run holiday club type thing at my primary school, I was never really a practicing Christian, I enjoyed the club. I never really gave it much thought until I was older. I prayed occasionally, but I guess I never really connected with it fully. In some ways I always held the belief that seeing wasn't necessarily believing. I remember meeting a guy at a band course who told me he was a witch. I was fascinated, if skeptical. I remember him attempting to make a girl cry through his will, (okay, so a lot skeptical at this point), but I remember attempting some sort of shield against whatever he was doing, and then the girl having to get up and see one of the leaders because something was wrong with her flute.
A major factor for me was meeting a girl at college when I was about 15, who was into all things "paranormal". We got on really well, and she introduced me to the writing of Doreen Virtue, and lent me the book, "Earth Angels". I identified with it and joined the message board. I learned a lot from that site, talked with many people on a variety of things, learnt a lot about crystals, energy work, angels and archangels. I still considered myself Christian, but I started exploring further into use of crystals. I'm lucky, my parents are fairly easy about my interests. My Dad doesn't really know, but he wouldn't be bothered, and my Mum knows I'm into crystals and energy work. She knows a fair bit about crystals, indeed I remember her giving me a citrine to carry when my teen hormones first kicked in and I got very down a lot. She's also big on aromatherapy. She's even dug out books for me on Chakras and things. when I was little too, I remember her telling em I could get rid of the awful little warts I had on my hands by tying knots in cotton and putting them under the dustbin outside. We did, and put them under my gran's bin, and sure enough they disappeared. When I think about it, I guess I've always had the beliefs there, just unexplored. My interest in Wicca is more recent. I can't remember when or what exactly started it, but I began my research on the computer, and at the library.
I have done a few simple spells, but only things like when I was in high school/college, I did the odd spell to discourage the bullies that attempted to make my life difficult (writing initials, putting it under heavy books). Things I considered to be harmless, or a spell for myself, such as to ease sleep, for lost items, or a confidence charm. I always feel very wary about doing spells that are designed to affect situations, because I am a believer that everything happens for a reason.
I don't really consider myself Wiccan, or even a Witch. I haven't learnt anywhere near enough for that. I consider myself openminded. I wear pentacles, but for their symbolism. I research to learn, I meditate for calm, and I use Tarot cards. I want to be a Witch, but as I'm currently a university student I don't feel I have the time to devote to proper study of the Craft. One day I hope to be in a coven too, but that poses the problem of finding a genuine one, and I'm not sure how my parents would feel about that. It's not a consideration for now, I think I have a lot to learn before that.
Kaida
Kaida Pyralis
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
I've started to find myself more empathically aware. Particularly to matters of the heart. Since my first relationship fell apart I've been quite cold to it all, even to the man I'm dating. I wish he'd known me how I was when I was warm and affectionate, but at the moment old wounds are still healing. I've found though that other people's break ups get me down now too, because I automatically imagine what they're feeling, and remember how hard it hit me. Especially my closer friends. I don't know.
I've been mildly interested too, as a side note, in things the guy I'm dating says that remind me of my ex. Makes me wonder if our first relationship really does set the tone for the rest, or whether we come into the world with an affinity for certain personality types. Also, can that change? I understand that our chakra balances draw people towards us, and so I suppose that subconsciously we will always be drawn to certain people, unless perhaps we balance ourselves. I wonder though, are we drawn to people with the same deficiencies? Or with the corresponding "strengths" to our "weaknesses"? I myself see similarities in myself and both my ex and the guy I'm seeing, but major differences too. I wonder which ones are more important. I do believe though that as a general rule, you can't love or hate something in someone else without loving or hating the reflection of it in yourself. There are exceptions, as with every rule, but I think it's pretty sound.
I think I'm becoming generally more aware, which is odd considering my first term at uni has lead to an increasingly unhealthy lifestyle of junk food, no sleep, alcohol and limited exercise, which incidentally makes me feel less like myself anyway, and apparently limits your awareness, "clogging" your senses. I've met a guy too who does Mind Reading shows, think Derren Brown but apparently genuine psychic ability, and Tarot reading and the like. It's fascinating. I went to his show and he may be the real deal. He's happy to talk to me about it so I hope to learn from him. Already it's renewed my interest in learning about these things, to see it done, like confirmation it's possible I suppose. I admire the way he just says it too, like it's the most normal thing in the world. When people ask what he does for his shows, he just says "Oh, I'm a mind reader." It amuses me I guess. Noone really comments on the "bizarre" collection of books I keep on the shelf in my room, except the guy I'm seeing who doesn't seem phased either way, but I don't broadcast my beliefs. I wear my pentacles, I don't worry about hiding my spirituality but I don't advertise it either.
Kaida
I've been mildly interested too, as a side note, in things the guy I'm dating says that remind me of my ex. Makes me wonder if our first relationship really does set the tone for the rest, or whether we come into the world with an affinity for certain personality types. Also, can that change? I understand that our chakra balances draw people towards us, and so I suppose that subconsciously we will always be drawn to certain people, unless perhaps we balance ourselves. I wonder though, are we drawn to people with the same deficiencies? Or with the corresponding "strengths" to our "weaknesses"? I myself see similarities in myself and both my ex and the guy I'm seeing, but major differences too. I wonder which ones are more important. I do believe though that as a general rule, you can't love or hate something in someone else without loving or hating the reflection of it in yourself. There are exceptions, as with every rule, but I think it's pretty sound.
I think I'm becoming generally more aware, which is odd considering my first term at uni has lead to an increasingly unhealthy lifestyle of junk food, no sleep, alcohol and limited exercise, which incidentally makes me feel less like myself anyway, and apparently limits your awareness, "clogging" your senses. I've met a guy too who does Mind Reading shows, think Derren Brown but apparently genuine psychic ability, and Tarot reading and the like. It's fascinating. I went to his show and he may be the real deal. He's happy to talk to me about it so I hope to learn from him. Already it's renewed my interest in learning about these things, to see it done, like confirmation it's possible I suppose. I admire the way he just says it too, like it's the most normal thing in the world. When people ask what he does for his shows, he just says "Oh, I'm a mind reader." It amuses me I guess. Noone really comments on the "bizarre" collection of books I keep on the shelf in my room, except the guy I'm seeing who doesn't seem phased either way, but I don't broadcast my beliefs. I wear my pentacles, I don't worry about hiding my spirituality but I don't advertise it either.
Kaida
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Not an awful lot to add, with not being at work or uni my days are fairly quiet. Today though I got into my car, and as I was putting my bag down and putting my seatbelt on a song popped into my head. Leanne Rimes, How do I live without you, and I just had a little bit of a sing to myself before pulling off and putting the radio on. Not long after, flicking through the channels I found that song on a channel I only listen to when theres nothing good on my usual station. I'd not heard it on the radio in forever, and I don't even have it on my PC. I've no idea where it came from, but it made me smile, nonetheless.
The other mildly odd thing was when I got home. Could have sworn I saw a shadow fly across my living room. A bit like a tiny wispy black cloud. I put that down mainly to my eyes playing tricks on me. My mind hasn't managed to logic out the song coming on the radio. I can't remember when I last heard it played.
Anyway, that's all. A mini ramble today.
Kaida
The other mildly odd thing was when I got home. Could have sworn I saw a shadow fly across my living room. A bit like a tiny wispy black cloud. I put that down mainly to my eyes playing tricks on me. My mind hasn't managed to logic out the song coming on the radio. I can't remember when I last heard it played.
Anyway, that's all. A mini ramble today.
Kaida
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Well, I gave in and did a spell to ease communication between me and my ex. I say a spell. I was careful not to target him, or aim to affect him directly, more the situation. I rarely do spells for worry of interfering with someone else's free will. I lit a candle and held the thought of eased communication. I wouldn't do a spell for something I wouldn't attempt through "natural" means, but I have been trying. I used a pink candle for friendship and love in all forms, lapis lazuli for friendships, expressing feelings and emotions and harmonising conflict, and aquamarine for unblocking communication. I asked that communications be unblocked and that we be able to communicate more easily. I'm not sure how effective it has been, though I did talk to him on the phone today, but I called, so I'll reserve judgement on the spell for now.
I also found that simply telling myself "It's my day today" made things run a lot smoother the other day at work. I've heard the saying that "Expectation is the conception that births the outcome", and I'm testing the theory. It's an interesting one, whether I just notice the little things less or things actually go better. It doesn't really matter.
Really should be my new years resolution. To be generally more positive.
I also found that simply telling myself "It's my day today" made things run a lot smoother the other day at work. I've heard the saying that "Expectation is the conception that births the outcome", and I'm testing the theory. It's an interesting one, whether I just notice the little things less or things actually go better. It doesn't really matter.
Really should be my new years resolution. To be generally more positive.
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Okay, so it's been a long time since I last posted, and today I removed a few of my last ones because I felt them to be no longer relevant to this "story" and I didn't want to have some of those old feelings and emotions hanging over me, if that makes sense. They are saved though, it was part of my life.
Anyway, in the last year, things have changed. I am generally a lot happier. I have had a boyfriend since october, and he's lovely. He takes amazing care of me and he's a truly good person. We were great for the first few months, really great, but university makes things very hard. He works early and I stay up late, our schedules are so completely incompatible it makes things very taxing. I love him to bits and he feels the same, or used to at least. If I'm honest a week ago I thought he was going to break up with me. It's not a lack of feeling...it's incompatibility of lifestyles and it had got to the point where we only talked when we argued.
Unfortunately that isn't the only problem. I feel like life is showing me my options. Since me and my boyfriend have been having problems I've met one guy who would have been very suited to me, and one who on the surface seems perfect. The latter is the most problematic. He is the sort of guy that when I saw him for the first time (before I knew my boyfriend) I looked at him and thought...yeah there's NO way he'd be into me. He had a girlfriend anyway, and was working in a shop, so I hadn't had a casual conversation with him. Anyway without going into details we're both musicians and our paths crossed again just recently, at the lowest point of my relationship, he having ended his own. We’ve been talking constantly and I’m just thinking…where the hell was he when I was single? We were in a music session together and we just play together as if we always have, we talk as if we’ve been friends for years. If I was single I couldn’t write this any better.
The problem is that whilst my boyfriend means a hell of a lot to me I can't shake what he's said in arguments, that maybe we should just be friends, that maybe we have no future and he's not sure he wants to be with me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting something slip because I'm essentially flogging a dead horse. Yes things might be great for me and my boyfriend again, but when I go back to uni we'll have the same problems. Is it salvagable? I just don't know.
I'm conflicted. My life is already totally entwined with my boyfriend's and because we're in the same circles it probably always will be. I don't know what effect that is having on my judgement. I don't know why now, when I was single all last year with no sensible interests, I'm being reintroduced to someone I'd be lying if I said I hadn't found very attractive at the start.
I feel sometimes like my Angels and Guides are practically screaming at me and it's like I'm behind soundproof glass. No matter how much I try I just can't hear them.
Kaida
Anyway, in the last year, things have changed. I am generally a lot happier. I have had a boyfriend since october, and he's lovely. He takes amazing care of me and he's a truly good person. We were great for the first few months, really great, but university makes things very hard. He works early and I stay up late, our schedules are so completely incompatible it makes things very taxing. I love him to bits and he feels the same, or used to at least. If I'm honest a week ago I thought he was going to break up with me. It's not a lack of feeling...it's incompatibility of lifestyles and it had got to the point where we only talked when we argued.
Unfortunately that isn't the only problem. I feel like life is showing me my options. Since me and my boyfriend have been having problems I've met one guy who would have been very suited to me, and one who on the surface seems perfect. The latter is the most problematic. He is the sort of guy that when I saw him for the first time (before I knew my boyfriend) I looked at him and thought...yeah there's NO way he'd be into me. He had a girlfriend anyway, and was working in a shop, so I hadn't had a casual conversation with him. Anyway without going into details we're both musicians and our paths crossed again just recently, at the lowest point of my relationship, he having ended his own. We’ve been talking constantly and I’m just thinking…where the hell was he when I was single? We were in a music session together and we just play together as if we always have, we talk as if we’ve been friends for years. If I was single I couldn’t write this any better.
The problem is that whilst my boyfriend means a hell of a lot to me I can't shake what he's said in arguments, that maybe we should just be friends, that maybe we have no future and he's not sure he wants to be with me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting something slip because I'm essentially flogging a dead horse. Yes things might be great for me and my boyfriend again, but when I go back to uni we'll have the same problems. Is it salvagable? I just don't know.
I'm conflicted. My life is already totally entwined with my boyfriend's and because we're in the same circles it probably always will be. I don't know what effect that is having on my judgement. I don't know why now, when I was single all last year with no sensible interests, I'm being reintroduced to someone I'd be lying if I said I hadn't found very attractive at the start.
I feel sometimes like my Angels and Guides are practically screaming at me and it's like I'm behind soundproof glass. No matter how much I try I just can't hear them.
Kaida
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Well well. What has changed. I actually really enjoyed my job. It took over every day, but the money was good and the people were great. = )
Me and the boyfriend are no more. We were arguing loads and I decided I wanted out, as did he. It turns out he got with someone while we were still together, and had lied to me and previous girlfriends about things. He's cheated before, and is still lying to me now. He misses me, and has admitted it (he's "sorry" we didn't work) and wants to be friends, but tbh after hearing all this stuff about him, and him apparently saying we slept together when we didn't, I'm not convinced. I'm not even bothered if it's all true. I just don't need him, and when we broke up it was a remarkable non-event. I cried after for 5 mins...it felt like I was just releasing something I'd held onto for far too long. Then I was ok.
Since then, things have been magic. I feel like now I've stopped stuffing my feelings down about being with the ex, I've released all this good feeling that's affecting my whole life. I'm with a new man, who is utterly amazing in every way. I can't explain, he just completes me, and I've never felt a connection with anyone like I do with him.
I've been so lucky, too, in every day things. My new job is offering up more possibilities, I've been happier than ever, everyone has noticed, I've had so many incidents of being just "right place, right time". It's amazing, really. It's like I've released something that's been holding me back. That's nothing really about the ex as a person, just that it was the wrong relationship for me, and now I feel like I'm being much more true to myself.
Kaida
Me and the boyfriend are no more. We were arguing loads and I decided I wanted out, as did he. It turns out he got with someone while we were still together, and had lied to me and previous girlfriends about things. He's cheated before, and is still lying to me now. He misses me, and has admitted it (he's "sorry" we didn't work) and wants to be friends, but tbh after hearing all this stuff about him, and him apparently saying we slept together when we didn't, I'm not convinced. I'm not even bothered if it's all true. I just don't need him, and when we broke up it was a remarkable non-event. I cried after for 5 mins...it felt like I was just releasing something I'd held onto for far too long. Then I was ok.
Since then, things have been magic. I feel like now I've stopped stuffing my feelings down about being with the ex, I've released all this good feeling that's affecting my whole life. I'm with a new man, who is utterly amazing in every way. I can't explain, he just completes me, and I've never felt a connection with anyone like I do with him.
I've been so lucky, too, in every day things. My new job is offering up more possibilities, I've been happier than ever, everyone has noticed, I've had so many incidents of being just "right place, right time". It's amazing, really. It's like I've released something that's been holding me back. That's nothing really about the ex as a person, just that it was the wrong relationship for me, and now I feel like I'm being much more true to myself.
Kaida
Lau
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Okay, so I'm writing because I can't seem to shake this "blue" feeling tonight.
Had a bit of a discussion with the new man. Don't get me wrong things are amazing when we're together, it's just that the distance is a killer. I get annoyed and frustrated, and I find it impossible to "snap out of". I can't cope with the "on again off again" nature of our relationship, and it feels to me like we're only together part time. I knew it would be hard, and being together makes it worth it but the time apart drives me mad. I have to just switch off and almost just power through. My coping mechanism is to adopt a "don't care" attitude and just get on with life, and it always takes me a bit to get used to being with him again when we're together. I just find it so difficult to go from the way we are together, just perfect, to being...just me, again. I suppose I've seperated the two phases. Time with him, and time alone, and I hate crossing back to the latter after. I know it's natural, and I'm far from the only person who has this situation, but I'm worried my inability to cope will jeapordise our future.
I don't understand it.
Kaida
Had a bit of a discussion with the new man. Don't get me wrong things are amazing when we're together, it's just that the distance is a killer. I get annoyed and frustrated, and I find it impossible to "snap out of". I can't cope with the "on again off again" nature of our relationship, and it feels to me like we're only together part time. I knew it would be hard, and being together makes it worth it but the time apart drives me mad. I have to just switch off and almost just power through. My coping mechanism is to adopt a "don't care" attitude and just get on with life, and it always takes me a bit to get used to being with him again when we're together. I just find it so difficult to go from the way we are together, just perfect, to being...just me, again. I suppose I've seperated the two phases. Time with him, and time alone, and I hate crossing back to the latter after. I know it's natural, and I'm far from the only person who has this situation, but I'm worried my inability to cope will jeapordise our future.
I don't understand it.
Kaida
Lau
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One Walker
- Posts: 595
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:42 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: Minnesota, USA
Hi Kaida!
I had somewhat of a similar issue back in the 1980's when I was working on the road so much and the girl I loved was far away at home. Here's something we use to do: Every night at 9 PM we'd listen to the same song while concentrating hard on each other because we both knew the other was doing the exact same thing and listening to the same song at that moment. The song was Across The Miles by Survivor from their "To Hot To Sleep" album. Here are the lyrics-which were very pertinent to what we were going through at that time:
When I'm all alone
On a distant path
And my ticket home
Has been torn in half
Oh, I can hear your voice
Girl, I can feel your touch
Across the miles tonight.
On the road again
Will it always be
That The Dream gets changed
On its way to Reality?
Oh, but the thought of you
Strange how it pulls me through
Across the miles tonight.
And I am sending you this message through the wires tonight
Just close your eyes and hold on tight.
And here I am, concentrating girl, with all my might.
Oh, the sound of your laughter drifts up through the midnight sky.
As the miles go by
Cities come and go
When you close your eyes
Listen to the radio
Girl, can you hear my song?
The signal is clear and strong
Across the miles tonight.
And I am sending you this message through the wires tonight
Just close your eyes and hold on tight.
And here I am, concentrating girl, with all my might.
Oh, the sound of your laughter drifts off across the night.
It's a beautiful song, at least it is to me, and maybe you two could find or do something similar? Just a thought. I hate to see Love die.
One Walker.
I had somewhat of a similar issue back in the 1980's when I was working on the road so much and the girl I loved was far away at home. Here's something we use to do: Every night at 9 PM we'd listen to the same song while concentrating hard on each other because we both knew the other was doing the exact same thing and listening to the same song at that moment. The song was Across The Miles by Survivor from their "To Hot To Sleep" album. Here are the lyrics-which were very pertinent to what we were going through at that time:
When I'm all alone
On a distant path
And my ticket home
Has been torn in half
Oh, I can hear your voice
Girl, I can feel your touch
Across the miles tonight.
On the road again
Will it always be
That The Dream gets changed
On its way to Reality?
Oh, but the thought of you
Strange how it pulls me through
Across the miles tonight.
And I am sending you this message through the wires tonight
Just close your eyes and hold on tight.
And here I am, concentrating girl, with all my might.
Oh, the sound of your laughter drifts up through the midnight sky.
As the miles go by
Cities come and go
When you close your eyes
Listen to the radio
Girl, can you hear my song?
The signal is clear and strong
Across the miles tonight.
And I am sending you this message through the wires tonight
Just close your eyes and hold on tight.
And here I am, concentrating girl, with all my might.
Oh, the sound of your laughter drifts off across the night.
It's a beautiful song, at least it is to me, and maybe you two could find or do something similar? Just a thought. I hate to see Love die.
One Walker.
We have seen what Power does.
We have seen what Power costs.
One is never equal to the other.
We have seen what Power costs.
One is never equal to the other.
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Hi One Walker,
That's really beautiful. Me and the boyfriend have songs that remind us of each other (mostly folky stuff and tunes!). Songs are really powerful.
Today I had a minor revelation and I'm really not sure what the implications are. I have a Livejournal where I basically do a brain-dump of all my pseudo-philosophical theories on life. Things like, why people interact in certain ways in particular situations. I like having a place to leave all of them because I'm sure they sound very narcissistic and self-important and my Lj is not connected with my name or otherwise.
Then I got reading my old journals. It's boggled me a bit for some reason. I used to be the same, sarcastic-humoured girl but less so, with a secure group of friends within a school setting. I got on well with a lot of people and my cynicism was mainly in jest or at least presented more lightly. Overall I just seemed happier and more...me.
Since I wrote those and left home, I've been depressed, suffered mood swings and become fairly isolated. I think my analysis has slipped inwards too and I've begun to feel more of an outsider to the human race than anything. I feel like I've lost not only my purpose (as I think I've said before) but my sense of who I am. I want it back, but I really don't know how to get it. These days I swing from wanting to be a quiet, balanced person in a stable environment to wanting to break free and do something crazy, be larger than life and find a dream to chase.
In real terms too, I've just had a run in with someone who I got on so well with before. I may have mentioned him, he was a friend I made a year ago and considered leaving my (now ex) boyfriend for. His girlfriend was on this uni trip we were all on and apparently heard rumours (untrue) about what had happened between us last year, and some of my humour made him uncomfortable. Now, I think his girlfriend should "man up", so to speak. Even if anything had happened, it was about 6 months before she even knew he existed, and we don't really speak anymore. You can't hate a guy for having exes (ones that are no longer an issue, anyway). Besides, he and I maintain that nothing happened and she should surely trust him. I feel like a bit of a scapegoat here for their relationship problems. I have made no efforts to speak to him in months. However, I do feel a bit guilty. The humour he's referring to was general group banter, but looking back at it I see why he might be offended. I was unaware of the subtext and as usual didn't think before opening my mouth.
I don't really know what to do. I don't think we'll ever get on like we used to again, but I'm not a bad person and I don't want to leave things like this. I really just wanted to have a nice trip, get on with people. I'd not even considered things being weird with him because to my mind it was all over. I think I'll end up messaging him just to explain I didn't mean it like that and I would never aim to upset. Even just to placate my conscience and hopefully negate the chances of him thinking I was being deliberately difficult.
I suppose it just hurt a bit. He even asked if it had been me that had spread the rumours. Why on earth I would do that I don't know. I'd hoped he'd know me better than that.
I guess my theme for today is wondering how much I really have changed, and whether I actually like the changes that have happened.
Kaida
That's really beautiful. Me and the boyfriend have songs that remind us of each other (mostly folky stuff and tunes!). Songs are really powerful.
Today I had a minor revelation and I'm really not sure what the implications are. I have a Livejournal where I basically do a brain-dump of all my pseudo-philosophical theories on life. Things like, why people interact in certain ways in particular situations. I like having a place to leave all of them because I'm sure they sound very narcissistic and self-important and my Lj is not connected with my name or otherwise.
Then I got reading my old journals. It's boggled me a bit for some reason. I used to be the same, sarcastic-humoured girl but less so, with a secure group of friends within a school setting. I got on well with a lot of people and my cynicism was mainly in jest or at least presented more lightly. Overall I just seemed happier and more...me.
Since I wrote those and left home, I've been depressed, suffered mood swings and become fairly isolated. I think my analysis has slipped inwards too and I've begun to feel more of an outsider to the human race than anything. I feel like I've lost not only my purpose (as I think I've said before) but my sense of who I am. I want it back, but I really don't know how to get it. These days I swing from wanting to be a quiet, balanced person in a stable environment to wanting to break free and do something crazy, be larger than life and find a dream to chase.
In real terms too, I've just had a run in with someone who I got on so well with before. I may have mentioned him, he was a friend I made a year ago and considered leaving my (now ex) boyfriend for. His girlfriend was on this uni trip we were all on and apparently heard rumours (untrue) about what had happened between us last year, and some of my humour made him uncomfortable. Now, I think his girlfriend should "man up", so to speak. Even if anything had happened, it was about 6 months before she even knew he existed, and we don't really speak anymore. You can't hate a guy for having exes (ones that are no longer an issue, anyway). Besides, he and I maintain that nothing happened and she should surely trust him. I feel like a bit of a scapegoat here for their relationship problems. I have made no efforts to speak to him in months. However, I do feel a bit guilty. The humour he's referring to was general group banter, but looking back at it I see why he might be offended. I was unaware of the subtext and as usual didn't think before opening my mouth.
I don't really know what to do. I don't think we'll ever get on like we used to again, but I'm not a bad person and I don't want to leave things like this. I really just wanted to have a nice trip, get on with people. I'd not even considered things being weird with him because to my mind it was all over. I think I'll end up messaging him just to explain I didn't mean it like that and I would never aim to upset. Even just to placate my conscience and hopefully negate the chances of him thinking I was being deliberately difficult.
I suppose it just hurt a bit. He even asked if it had been me that had spread the rumours. Why on earth I would do that I don't know. I'd hoped he'd know me better than that.
I guess my theme for today is wondering how much I really have changed, and whether I actually like the changes that have happened.
Kaida
Lau
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KaidaPyralis
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 am
Aye...busy weekend.
So I'm writing a thing for Uni about what I've personally gained from a bunch of my hobbies. Talk about time for personal reflection!
So this weekend, I saw my ex. I've written about him before so won't repeat it. Long story short he was very keen to talk to me, my best mate described him as like "a fly round s**t". I love her bluntness
. It's kinda true though. We were at a weekend festival thing...something we used to do together and it was really weird I guess. He text me that evening saying I looked "absolutely beautiful as always", leaving me a bit baffled really. Why do that, when he knows I'm with the new man and that I know he cheated on me. I don't understand. I'm ashamed to say I almost missed him...I'm getting emotional recently about leaving my life where I live now and moving 200 miles to live with my boyfriend. Giving up friends, hobbies, everything for a year. Recently I've realised how little I've held on to from my school days and I guess I'm worried the same will happen here, and talking about the past with the ex was almost comforting. I don't miss him personally. I do wish he'd stop impersonating a decent human being in front of me. I've moved on...or at least I thought I had. I'm honestly more in love with my boyfriend than I've ever been with anyone. He completes me and I know this relationship is right. So why does the ex nag at me?
Curious...curious.
Kaida
So I'm writing a thing for Uni about what I've personally gained from a bunch of my hobbies. Talk about time for personal reflection!
So this weekend, I saw my ex. I've written about him before so won't repeat it. Long story short he was very keen to talk to me, my best mate described him as like "a fly round s**t". I love her bluntness
. It's kinda true though. We were at a weekend festival thing...something we used to do together and it was really weird I guess. He text me that evening saying I looked "absolutely beautiful as always", leaving me a bit baffled really. Why do that, when he knows I'm with the new man and that I know he cheated on me. I don't understand. I'm ashamed to say I almost missed him...I'm getting emotional recently about leaving my life where I live now and moving 200 miles to live with my boyfriend. Giving up friends, hobbies, everything for a year. Recently I've realised how little I've held on to from my school days and I guess I'm worried the same will happen here, and talking about the past with the ex was almost comforting. I don't miss him personally. I do wish he'd stop impersonating a decent human being in front of me. I've moved on...or at least I thought I had. I'm honestly more in love with my boyfriend than I've ever been with anyone. He completes me and I know this relationship is right. So why does the ex nag at me?Curious...curious.
Kaida
Lau