Why am I alive?

Discuss mental health issues, including suicidal thoughts, here.
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Why am I alive?

Post by casnarl »

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 22. And I don't know why. Since I was around 12-13 my birthday has came with more anxiety and depression than happiness. I never want it to come. I always kind of hope when I make my "birthday wish" it'll be my last.
I don't know if I'm suicidal, because I have no intent to kill myself. But I would not mind a plane crashing directly into my location at any given moment. I can be a very happy, productive human being and at the exact same time well, if I die I die so what?
It's particularly bad around my birthday because I'm just getting older. And I don't want to get older, because I don't even want to live. I don't know what purpose I serve, or how I'm meant to fit into society. And the older I get the more and more I just want to move to some isolated part of the world and just be alone there.
I don't have my license, I don't have a job, I'm graduating college in a year and I have no idea why I even went or what to do after. I don't know why I do any of the things I do other than I'm supposed to.
Every year that I get older is just a reminder of how I am not doing what is expected of me at my age. The older I get the more I'm expected to go and get out into the world and be an adult and do things adults to and I just don't want to. Or rather don't think I can. I'm scared. But the real adult world doesn't care if you're scared. You don't get to not have a job and have responsibilities just because you're scared. I'm too functional to get some kind of mental illness pass. But if I could die, or go live on a remote island somewhere where there was nobody to bother me.
I just don't know why I am alive. I have asked this question to the universe/god/whomever while laying in bed talking to my ceiling. I have wished to not be alive. I have offered to take the place of those dying. And yet I am still here and I don't know why. Why keep me alive if I don't even want to be? For what purpose am I still living? To be miserable, anxious, paranoid, terrified, socially inept, and alone? I have one friend. The only guy I want doesn't want me. My own parents don't even want me.
I got into magic with the hope of giving myself the life I want so that maybe I won't feel this way, but nothing I have done has worked. Maybe that's because I'm too new still, or maybe because I feel so bad I'm not believing in my spells enough for them to even have a chance. Or maybe I don't deserve to have what I want out of life. I don't know.
It's not technically my birthday for 2 more hours, but as I'm already crying I'm going to just go ahead and say this is now the 9th birthday in a row I have cried on. Every birthday gets worse, every year gets worse.
I just want to say, I promise I will not kill myself. As down as I feel, you can be sure I won't. I tried a few times in my early teens and I can't do it. But I just don't know why I am alive in the first place.

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by barker »

My friends and I called it "going through a mid-life crisis early," presuming it would a wise move. Suppose so.

Happy birthday.

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by firebirdflys »

I sympathize with your conundrum and can even empathize as I recall feeling that way as well. Not an especially good place to be. I'm glad to hear you will spare your life, because there is much life ahead of you. It's really hard to say now where you will be or what will be happening in a year or 2 or 5 or 10... I was 45 before I met a person who changed my life in many ways.
The journey through witchcraft can be loooooong, the learning never ends. It's close to 25 years since joining a coven and I'm constantly being revealed more. Be easy on you, practice is lifelong.
One thing we as humans can do is be really hard on ourselves. We tend to beat ourselves up for things we really don't need to beat ourselves up over. This day and age of internet bullying and instant horrible news from around the world is a huge part of our anxiety today. We get everything in an instant which reasearchers are finding is complicating ADD and ADHD and other depression and anixiety disorders. One thing that may help is a device free day, which includes outdoor activities. Not an easy task for many. Although a really good grounding session can help also.
I would also like to ask if you have seen a dr.? Sometimes medicine can get one over a slump, temporarily or for longer term if it helps...even talk thearpy can be a huge relief. You can pm me if you would like to vent in private.

On one hand consider you have had 22 trips around the Sun!!! Happy Solar Return! May this year be full of Blessings :fairy:
Bb, Firebird

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by SpiritTalker »

The short but sincere thought is because the universe and your soul desired your presence here, in this place, at this time.

This might be the year you figure out what you need, not what you want. Material things come and go but the soul remains. 22 is double 11, a double digit blessing. 11 in numerology is aMaster Number of illumination. Expand your thinking. WC isn't so much about getting material things as it is about discovering what we are & that we are part of an Intelligent Scheme, the chain of evolution, just the same as a tree or a rock, a whale or a star. Each part holographically reflects the One Thing. It helps when the brain develops an ability to perceive relationships metaphorically. Neural pathways develop in the brain when we stretch and expand our routine thinking processes. When we really, really want to know something we are passionate & leave no stone unturned to find the root connections & consider the possibilities. Existence is pretty darned amazing and incredibly intricate in it's variety. The Grand Mysteries that weave through history have been depicted by all the civilizations that have left stone artifacts.

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by illbehere »

Firstly, happy birthday!

Secondly, I understand you. I went through this exact same feeling. You're alive because you're supposed to be, live your life because we all die but not all of us live fully.

I genuinely believe everyone has a purpose.

Adulting is hard but it'll get easier. I'd get a job ASAP if I were you. As for the not knowing what you want to do, GOOD. Some people don't discover their talent/dream job until they're 50 so you still have so much time left to explore yourself. Focus on finding yourself instead of finding out WHY you're alive because only you can change your own mind.

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by Ashrend »

I relate to you so much that it's actually a bit scary. IV felt exactly like you for many years, like literally exactly like you from feeling socially inept because I don't have any real life friends to not being suicidal but not actively seeking it. One of my favourite song quotes is 'i don't want to die, but I ain't keen on living either'. Over the years I've found that some therapy can help, but the main thing is I need to try and make life worth living. For a lot of my life including my childhood I spent indoors, playing computer games and watching TV. That's not to say you or me should be going on a big adventure across the world , but for me I need to make more of it. I'm going to try yoga soon, I'm going to try and get back into swimming, I'm saving for my first holiday abroad to see more of the world. I can't give you a reason for living as I struggle to find my own too, but I know that if this is going to be my only life I may as well try and enjoy it. Regardless of what other people may think of you, you have to live your life for you by your standards. I have tried living for others and it's soul crushing. As for your craft, don't force it. I tried magic when I was younger looking for a way to fit in somewhere , to try and fix my life and it doesn't work very well because your intent ends up being very selfish, not using your truest extent of power because of lack of knowledge or focus. Asking for something vague and getting vagueness back. I have learnt like others have said that you have to go with the flow, do things when they come naturally to you and it's strength will be infinitly better. Please do pm me any time, I know how you feel.
May the gods watch over you and the fae protect you
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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by moonlass »

I went through a crisis like that at that age as did my sister. It is completely normal to have a quarter life crisis. You're not alone.

When I graduated college my only dream was going to grad school but I didn't get in anywhere. I felt like such a failure because I couldnt do the one thing I wanted to do. That year was one of the toughest years of my life. I reapplied to grad school and just barely got in to one school. Now grad school is presenting a whole other realm of challenges. It's hard and most of the time I feel like the biggest dumbass that ever walked this earth.

But all this has made me realize that life isn't about how smart you are or how many items on the being an adult checklist you can cross off. It's about love and kindness. Your life is much better measured in the kindness that you share with the world than with how much of an adult you are. I made a tradition where on my birthday I have to do a good deed for someone. It's like paying tribute to the world for being on this earth. Sharing love with someone goes both ways. As you give it the world returns some to you.

I know you are in pain now but I promise that the world really does love you for whoever you are, no matter what you do. I promise you will be ok even if it doesn't feel like it. You will always have a place with me if you are homeless and I will always be here for you as a friend.

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by blue_moon »

I know these feelings as a teen and during early adolescese as well. They never really felt like MY feelings but they were in me.

I've been looking into inherited trauma past few years. I am not an expert. I read so many things! But its hard to find good reads online..

There are fears could be your ancestors traumas. Loss, death, guilt. Some meditation could help amd a closer look at your family history.

My grandmother lost siblings during ww I and saw how Dresden was bombed by the allied forces. She was so full of grief.

Blue Moon

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by ListensKeenly »

Can definitely relate to how you're feeling right now. I've been there. I'm a few years on and just turned 29 and I've come such a long way since 22 it's quite amazing.

I can see a lot of negative thinking patterns in your post. Not a criticism at all as they are very common. I think retraining the way we think is really important when we are depressed and it can make a big difference to how we feel. I believe DBT which is a form of therapy focus on this. You might like to read into it.

Also volunteering has made a huge impact on my mood. It takes a person out of themselves and shifts your focus outwards. Depression tends to do the opposite. Would you consider some form of this? Giving back to others also gives you a sense of self worth and value!

Sorry if this is a little jumbled a response I have yet to have my morning coffee. I'm here if you would like to chat! Like I've said I've been through it and come out the other side so I get it!

Hugs to you xxx

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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by birublackzoey »

I was in a bad relationship, which affected me deeper than I thought. I was depressed, and felt stuck and that darkness stayed with me even after I left the relationship.

At 23 years of age, I did ponder ending my life - and my own thoughts was that I had experience the highs, the lows and everything in between.
And if that was all there is, then I was ready to check out and stop the torture of cyclical life. I can still remember feeling that I had no more sadness or fear about "leaving" - it was just the numbness and sometimes paralysing force of being expected to just do what comes next. Expectations of Life.

It was a period that I was in for close to a year, before I had a spiritual awakening. In its own way, it did allow me to acknowledge my experiences, and that everything I had gone through gave me a starting point to understand the extremes of Life in general.

Towards the end, a larger plan was shared with me - to make myself complete and whole, not for my own benefit but to be part of humanity's destiny.
It is still the path I walk today, and in full alignment and surrender to Life/God/Universe/Consciousness, many further revelations have been made and continue to be revealed.

Along the way, I've also met a fellow human being, who through his own wounds is also accelerating towards destruction - somehow we managed to heal together, and are now life partners for the past 7 years.

I think out of everything I've learnt or have been shown, I would like to share that there is an intelligent force watching over you. Larger than magick, spells, spirits, or darkness. I won't sugarcoat or offer empty words of encouragement, just that while you are here, alive and able to, make all efforts to connect to that force.

You owe it to yourself to know and understand it and have it communicate to you what is required of you, regardless what choice you ultimately make.

Peace and good thoughts go out to you. ::hug::
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Re: Why am I alive?

Post by stormofwind »

I can relate with a couple near death experiences and seeing past lives
and being psychic most of my life I did ponder why am I here.?
Very suicidal in my 20's and then came back in my early 40's..
Now I understand in part why I am here.. it does get me down at times
knowing what I know.. I have to deal with it

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