Feeling lost

[Winter Wind]

Well, I feel kinda bad for dropping here to talk about this now, but it looks like I can't handle this anymore.

It started when my parents literally shut the broom's closet in my face, they told me to forget it for now, and that they'd not accept me as a witch.
Later on, I asked them for rethinking the way they were treating me, they were always harsh and somewhat cruel in what they said, they couldn't talk to me without saying: "You're irresponsible" "Can't you make anything right, at least once in your life?". And they hurt me like never before, justifying that things are this way outside. Some days later my band broke up, and I tried my best to avoid it, but in vain.

After this, I went into a musical contest with some friends, and we won a prize, however my prize was different from my friends' ones, like if the contest staff were overestimating my work and ignoring my friends' work, they were hurt with it, and I've been put in trouble for the staff's fault.

I've been frustrated with the piano and with how I'm motivating everyone and even then I can't do anything for myself.

And to screw things a little more, it's my last year in high school, so there'll be the exams in the end of the year and we're having financial troubles in my house. I don't even know what career I want to follow nor in which university I want to study, and people keep trying to choose it for me, saying that I'll never be able to make ends meet being a psychologist or as a pianist, and that I should be a lawyer or a doctor, and all those cliché things.

And now, I'm feeling worthless, hopeless, depressed, angry and lonely. I'm in complete despair, looks like all this suffering will never end, that I'll never find support, that I'll always be the sad and out-of-place one, that there's nothing to be done to change it and that living is worthless and pointless.
I don't want do admit it that I'm considering suicide as a solution, but I don't want to give up, even when I'm driving myself crazy since it looks like there's no way to change anything.

[AdastraJunction]

Everyone I knew even my parents told me that my artwork, dancing and modeling would never make a career, that it was a dead end and I wouldn't make it in the US by myself being an immigrant living on a dream. That was 5 years ago. Now I am a successful freelance dancer/model and I do custom artwork on the side, I own my own property and am doing very well (expect for my health at present but I'm still soldiering on)... basically I'm doing what i love despite everyone telling me it was a mistake.

This is what I have to say to you.... SCREW THEM! You can do anything as long as you work hard and never give up. You are still young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Your life is your own to do with as you please, you shouldn't care what anyone says about it because in the end you CAN prove them wrong and make yourself proud to be who you are. If you can't depend on anyone then just depend on yourself and make things happen, it isn't beyond you to do so. Things can and do change you cannot just sit around expecting a hero to save you, you are your own hero.

[Sakura Blossom]

Reading this makes me think of myself a few months ago. Yes, seriously, a few months. It's not been that long since I've escaped all of the problems you're mentioning. I'm turning 21 in a month and I thought I'd never get to see the end of my suffering. I have depression and my dad treated me in the same way your parents are to you. I didn't have any friends really, and high school was terrible. I tried going to school (college) and I almost flunked out so I took a year off, had tons of health problems come up and my dad would constantly act like being sick was my fault. There's so much more than that, but I was miserable and would cry every night. My psychiatrist told me that I needed to get out of this environment but I didn't know how. I didn't have the money to leave and I didn't have the money to go to college. I felt like I was stuck in a dead end.

But then this summer, the unthinkable happened. My grandmother, who NEVER helps anyone with anything ESPECIALLY with money, offered to pay my rent if I moved into a place near a school I'd been accepted to for transfer. I had started taking a lot of risks, to try and succeed in finding happiness and they've worked.

I'm now a sophomore in college, going to school for what I want to do (which I didn't even figure out until this year, to be honest! It's okay if you don't know right off the bat (: No one really ever does) which is being a social worker in the mental health field so I can do psychotherapy. I have real friends now, I have people who want to spend time with me, I live on my own and don't have to listen to my parents anymore. Everything is finally starting to look up and it just snapped into being a lot better in the blink of an eye. I hadn't expected it.

But it WILL happen. You WILL find something that makes you happy and will get better. High school years are always tough on everyone and always the hardest when you have unsupportive parents because you cannot leave yet. As soon as you are able to get out of this environment, you'll feel a lot better and if your friends are upset with you over something as silly as that then maybe they're not real friends. I thought I had real friends in high school and honestly, I don't even talk to any of them anymore. I don't even really remember everyone I hung out with save for three people. I now have genuine friends who will come to my house at three in the morning when I've been crying just to bring me McDonald's to make me feel better.

You just have to keep hope that it will happen soon and that you've just got to hold on.

And also, don't listen to your parents. Being a psychologist pays a TON of money. At least here it does but that's specialized training just like a doctor so you'd be pretty set. ;D Just do what makes YOU happy. You're not living your life for them. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know!

[Winter Wind]

Thank you guys, it's nice to know that you understand what I'm going through, and both of you got over similar things, it makes me think that there's something to do that's in my reach, it might just be hidden.
Thank you, really, I think that I'll never be able to thank you enough.

Blessed be!

[JJJ]

Well I'm old but I understand what it's like to feel the way that it sounds like you are feeling. How cool that you have been acknowledged for your talent. I don't know if this is any comfort but take it from an old(ER) fart who has been around musicians since birth.... another band will happen.... it always does. Keep doing music because you love music.... that's what will keep you good. Keep ego out of it (lol..... I know SOOOO MANY musicians whose egos have destroyed them!) It's not your fault the judges made whatever judgments they did (because.... isn't that what they're supposed to do?) I knew a guy whose band broke up because he insisted on the poster being just a picture of him.....lol. Gods, it just still cracks me up. I have been married for 21 years (and I wasn't new to bands in the first place) and my husband has been in 3 bands in that time and numerous musical projects (one of which I was lucky enough to participate in)... and like 6 bands since he started. Musicians are drawn together. But the thing is.... it wasn't until this last band that things really clicked. You may see a bunch of old guys as my husband is the baby of the group at 51. What I see are some of the most experienced, incredible musicians I have ever had the privilege of knowing... and what makes them great (besides the obvious talent and skill)? The lack of ego! The love of music! THE ENERGY!!! I don't necessarily share my 'witchiness' with everyone. I'm glad my daughter can share hers with me though . Even though others don't know about it... I sometimes think it's what they like about me without even knowing it Don't let your parents' fear of failure contaminate your beautiful heart and soul!!!!!!! It's their fear that comes off as judgment.... don't take it on as your own. You may have to let go of the hope that they will understand things that they are just not capable of at this time. It's not their fault... but it's certainly not yours!

[smogie_michele]

Some things are going to be out of your control; it is just a part of life. The crappy part is that no one ever hands you a manual that tells you how to deal with every situation that comes your way.. you just gotta do the best you know how. The good news? You have a whole support system here
I can completely relate to everything you just spoke of. I just went through living hell not too long ago, we almost lost our house, my school lost the majority of my files, my fur baby almost died, I had many deaths in my family and in my social group... things just felt like my whole life was crumbling around me. It took a while, but I got better. And so will you

And by the way, NO ONE knows what they want to do with school and their future career. So don't stress.

You got this

[Winter Wind]

my husband is the baby of the group at 51. What I see are some of the most experienced, incredible musicians I have ever had the privilege of knowing... and what makes them great (besides the obvious talent and skill)? The lack of ego! The love of music! THE ENERGY!!!

Those musicians are the best
The end of my band helped me to grow, it was nice to play with them, but I was using it as an excuse because I didn't want to be the gloomy and out of place guy forever, it wasn't pleasant but I'm glad that it ended, finally I could face my own conflicts instead of running away from them.
It's sad to have only few people in my town to ask "Hey, I'm confused about what this card means in this reading" or "What fingering would work better for this piece" etc etc, but I'm happy to have you whom I can talk about it.
And we never played what I really wanted to play (which is kinda okay, I'd also few awkward playing Chopin in the middle of 40-50 pop/rock songs ).

Thank you JJJ

I just went through living hell not too long ago, we almost lost our house, my school lost the majority of my files, my fur baby almost died, I had many deaths in my family and in my social group... things just felt like my whole life was crumbling around me. It took a while, but I got better. And so will you

It's scary, sometimes it's like my tiny world (yes, people say that I complain too much about too little things, but those little things are my whole world) is about to be swallowed by darkness, but with patience and perseverance things will get better, right?

The good news? You have a whole support system here

That's really nice to know. Thank you

Brightest Blessings!

[Adiens]

There is such a thing as music therapy the only reason why I suggest it cause you mentioned both being a pianist and a psychologist. However, whichever you choose I'm sure you'll excel at, but more importantly you will be happy.

And coming out to the family with your faith can be hard. My dad will never except it and is in complete denial anytime I try to mention it. My mom is slowly starting to realize that being witch doesn't mean I worship Satan necessarily. So it's a process. They will come along in their own time whether they admit it or not.

Just hang in there Hun <3

[YanaKhan]

Hey there, Winter Wind
I just thought I might add some thoughts on your situation and hopefully to help a little.
I'm a professional musician, I studied piano and classic singing in a Musical Academy, so let me say that the fact you got a higher prize at a contest means only one thing - you are better than the others. I mean, I have been to many many contests with my students and the stuff don't ever overestimate anyone's work. If anything, they underestimate it. So feeling bad because you were appreciated may make some sense because your friends didn't do as good, but over all, you should be proud.
Another thing is, when you play in a band, all the members should be at the same level. It's never a good thing to have a band where someone is better than the others, because in this case, they would be holding them back and while the others may try to catch up, they may just lack the talent and take longer to become as good. In which time, the person who is ahead of the others, has to stop development, to wait for the others. I know when you are a teenager every problem seems like the end of the world. I also know that you feel like you betrayed your band in some way. But that's just not the case. Doing something you don't like to please others will make you unhappy. Which is not really acceptable. Been there, done that - I was stuck with a band for 4 and a half years and while I understand they had no time to practice and didn't really have my ambition, I felt trapped because I wanted the big stage, while they were happy with just gathering and playing for fun. Which is fine, I just felt like I'm like too ambitious or something and it felt wrong. And the fact that we were friends since childhood didn't help any. At the end, I got away by going to another city to study, but I do realize if I didn't, I could still be there in the band, feeling awkward because I want more.
So the fact that with you this won't happen is a good thing.
I can't really tell you what to study in the future, because I have never doubted myself in that. I wanted to be a musician and while I do have many interests, there isn't anything I would rather do for living. You have to decide if that would be your case. Still, you don't really need a diploma to be a musician. You could study whatever and still play and enjoy yourself. It could also be beneficial, if you for example play in a piano bar or something while you are in college. Trust me - if you are a good piano player, nobody will ask if you have a diploma

[Kat]

they grew me up as a christian; they never questioned it but I did. the point is, you also have the option of not mentioning your faith to them or anyone else. tho I live alone for 8 years I didn't put a label on it; ''witch''. if you already have, stop saying anything; some people can't take the truth. maybe show by example with actions that you re not a bad person.
Now they see my triquetras (a huge one on my wall, tattoos, earings and necklace), my altar (even my athame) and they don't care. christians have an issue with the pentacle. still triple moons, triskells or anything else don't matter to them so why even label it?

[Winter Wind]

There is such a thing as music therapy the only reason why I suggest it cause you mentioned both being a pianist and a psychologist. However, whichever you choose I'm sure you'll excel at, but more importantly you will be happy.

That's really a nice thing! I've heard a little about it before, I'll make sure to look closer to it.
The only problem it's that I'd have to move to a big city (something, I'm pretty afraid of...), but it's not a thing to concern about :p .

And coming out to the family with your faith can be hard. My dad will never except it and is in complete denial anytime I try to mention it. My mom is slowly starting to realize that being witch doesn't mean I worship Satan necessarily. So it's a process. They will come along in their own time whether they admit it or not.

Now they see my triquetras (a huge one on my wall, tattoos, earings and necklace), my altar (even my athame) and they don't care. christians have an issue with the pentacle. still triple moons, triskells or anything else don't matter to them so why even label it?

Maybe they get used to it one day, but I don't expect it anymore, they don't take me seriously when talking about my spiritual path, and by the way, this is not for them to decide and I already know what I want

Thank you, Adiens and Kat!

I admire you YanaKhan, working with music is one of the most pleasant things, at least in my mild opinion, but, if you're not a teacher or play on a serious orchestra/band, you'll never know how your monthly income will be, right?

Thanks for your thoughts. YanaKhan!

[Winter Wind]

Hi guys, I have some good news!
The mood swings became less intense and finally I could pull myself together from that chaos.
However, I became aware of some self-harming actions, some days I just don't want to wake up, I don't want to eat or I eat a bunch of junk food, some days I don't feel like getting out even for doing the things I enjoy, and there's also psychological/emotional self-harm. It's horrible to feel so weak, but, pretending that the issue isn't there won't make it disappear, so I intend to strive for as long as I can. Especially cause I have good friends(here and outside) and a nice therapist, it'll be a lot easier than I've thought.

[smogie_michele]

Very glad to hear that things are looking up. Baby steps, my dear. Sending good vibes to you!

[Winter Wind]

Very glad to hear that things are looking up. Baby steps, my dear. Sending good vibes to you!

Thank you! It'll be needed more than ever, healing tends to be painful for me.

[Firebird]

Hey >>high five<< glad to hear you are feeling better, I don't know if this helps, but here goes, remember ...creative types tend to be very intense and feel things really deeply, so when we get down, we can be a mess. Also sounds like you have a bunch of forces beyond your control and that's hard when all you can do is modify your attitude towards it. I wish you continued healing dear. Keep playing music
BB, Firebird