Unhappy Long-Term Relationship

[Aderyn]

We had a really calm talk about things last night. It was the first time we could talk without arguing. I'm not really sure where our relationship stands right now, but at least we started to discuss and be honest with our feelings. It's a step.

[Alura Noel]

Hey Aderyn,

After reading your follow up posts it seems like things are starting to calm down a little bit. So the following recommendations may not be as needed but would still probably be helpful.

If I am remembering correctly, you two aren't married but have been living together long term? Or you aren't living together?

I know this is a marriage book But if you two are living together (even if you aren't), I highly suggest you check out this book called His Needs Her Needs. It does have a slight Christian way to it but regardless, very valuable information. I suggest you and your bf read it together out loud, alternating chapters, and answering the questions after each chapter. If anything, this book will prompt important conversations with each other.

Secondly, again you aren't married but a lot of people in long term relationships post on there. The forum is called Talk about Marriage (google that and the forum should pop up on the top). You could also post this there and get more responses and people with more experience help you out. If anything, you could use it as a resource. I have learned A Lot from it already myself.

[Aderyn]

Nice to hear from you again, Alura!

Things have calmed down, but we have been more honest in our feelings so that has been really nice. I don't feel so trapped. You are correct, we aren't married and we have lived together long term. I will definitely look into your suggestions! I like self-help books and forums, I'll ask him if he would be interested in reading that book with me. Even if he isn't, it may help shed some light on myself.

[Aderyn]

Yesterday we got into a huge argument. He was verbally attacking me and extremely hurtful with his words; whether he meant them or not, I feel very uneasy about handling this situation at all right now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can and hearing the things fall out of his mouth were uncalled for.

We argued about things that contradicted each other; he supports my spiritual journey but has no interest in discussing it, but when I go to my friends to talk about spiritual things he gets jealous. It's not even about the original worries and dislikes I posted about in this thread, it keeps spiraling into more negativity and I feel at a loss. Being attacked like that and being treated poorly because he cannot talk to me about his feelings is a whole new level to this. We've been together for a long time, and in the beginning we were both young and figuring things out. I feel our relationship has run its course at this time, but at this point the breakup will be hostile and hateful, and I didn't want it to come to that.

I've read every post on this and I keep the advice in mind, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Any positive vibes or prayers sent my way would be appreciated. I finished most of my altar and I bought some candles for transition. I hope that I can be guided to my new path in a positive, healing way.

[SnowCat]

My feeling is that he wants out, but he wants you to do the dirty work of ending things. That way he can feel like the point picked on martyr. Take care of yourself. You are first and foremost responsible for yourself and your happiness. Being in the job market for a long time and getting nowhere is hard on anyone's self esteem. He may need to take a dead end job to get things moving again. People who are already employed tend to be more empliyabke, and the willingness to work a low pay, low skills job can actually help. It shows potential employers that you're willing to do what it takes to make things work, instead of just expecting to start at the top.

Snow

[Aderyn]

My feeling is that he wants out, but he wants you to do the dirty work of ending things. That way he can feel like the point picked on martyr. Take care of yourself. You are first and foremost responsible for yourself and your happiness. Being in the job market for a long time and getting nowhere is hard on anyone's self esteem. He may need to take a dead end job to get things moving again. People who are already employed tend to be more empliyabke, and the willingness to work a low pay, low skills job can actually help. It shows potential employers that you're willing to do what it takes to make things work, instead of just expecting to start at the top.

Snow

I have that feeling as well. I was putting it off to try and truly work things out, but being attacked crosses the line for me. He did end up getting a job this past week, something he will enjoy and be good at, but I feel it's too late in the game for a job to fix the problems we face. I wanted to part ways in a civil manner, but if making me the bad guy makes him feel safe he can do that, but I know I've done my best and I've done what I can to try and make it work.

[ness]

SnowCat might be right. He is probably just provoking you to take the step toward breakup because he doesnt want to do the dirty work. Who cares! You want out and you should do it!

Break ups are always hard! In extreme rare case its amicable where people can shake hands and move on. Don't let this make you fearful or stop you from striving for a happier life. Look at long term and don't worry about the awkward breakup stage which is only a short term thing.

If there is anything you can do, then have a calm break up talk. Sit him down and tell him that you thought a lot about the relationship and dont see yourself doing this in the future. And that think its best if you both went different ways. If he gets angry try to keep your cool. Don't argue. Just be stern in your decision. That's the only thing you can do.

Good luck, I feel for you. I have never been good at break ups.

[Aderyn]

SnowCat might be right. He is probably just provoking you to take the step toward breakup because he doesnt want to do the dirty work. Who cares! You want out and you should do it!

Break ups are always hard! In extreme rare case its amicable where people can shake hands and move on. Don't let this make you fearful or stop you from striving for a happier life. Look at long term and don't worry about the awkward breakup stage which is only a short term thing.

If there is anything you can do, then have a calm break up talk. Sit him down and tell him that you thought a lot about the relationship and dont see yourself doing this in the future. And that think its best if you both went different ways. If he gets angry try to keep your cool. Don't argue. Just be stern in your decision. That's the only thing you can do.

Good luck, I feel for you. I have never been good at break ups.

Thank you for your response!

I know what I need to do, I just need to take the steps to complete it. Thank you for your support, I know it won't be easy.

[Alura Noel]

I wonder if he got the job because he's wanting to break up?... Since you'd no longer be there to support him. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but that would make since if he waited so long, then starts fighting with you (to push you away) once he does get some of his Own security. That way, if you break up, he doesn't look like the bad guy and used you. If he broke up with you, he'd probably feel guilty about it. By forcing you to end it, he can not feel bad and play victim.

Anyways, we are here for you!

[Firebird]

Your story breaks my heart Aderyn, and wreaks of domestic violence. You don't have to be hit,... the damage of neglect is just as brutal, and in many cases worse because it affects our esteem.
I am here for you.
Firebird

[Aderyn]

Thank you all for your support. It means so much to me!

Alura; He has said that he doesn't want to be blamed for us breaking up, but I've tried to explain to him that sometimes things just don't work out and that's okay. Going on this spiritual path has been very helpful to me and I don't feel so afraid of this transition.

firebirdflys; I know that he's hurting and as I said before I know I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best that I can and it isn't enough to fit his needs. I agree, it is brutal and hurtful and I don't deserve the negativity. One day at a time, I am getting through this and we are working through our parted ways.

We haven't officially broken up yet, but I can feel it coming. We did talk Monday evening and I was honest with him and my feelings and we didn't argue. This is the first time we have discussed truly parting ways without arguing. It's a step. I will keep you all updated, I cannot thank you enough for your support and love. I feel this will kickstart my spiritual journey, and I'm happy you all helped me through this!

[Aderyn]

We broke up this morning.

My heart aches. I know this is the right decision and I'm just trying to get through today.

[Firebird]

》》cyber hug《《
Taking in deep breaths...
in, out...repeat
Maybe lonely for awhile, but remember your power
Please feel free to pm me anytime
Blessings, Firebird

[ness]

We broke up this morning.

My heart aches. I know this is the right decision and I'm just trying to get through today.

I am sorry it worked out the way it worked out! It probably is for the best for both of you. Probably in a year or so, when you look back, you will understand better about it and how that helped you grow as a person. I would say, surround yourself with friends and family. Don't listen to sad songs, watch sad movies. Try to surround yourself with positivity. It will be hard for a while, but you WILL get through this.

Same here, if you want to PM me, feel free. *hugs*

[YanaKhan]

It'll get better. A lot better and quicker than you think too. Try to not dwell in it every five minutes. Maybe invite a friend over, someone you know you can rely on.
Feel free to pm me too if you feel like you need to.
We are all here for you, dear. Sending some positive energy your way.