Cannot believe I'm finally posting this.

[WolfWitch]

Well, it's been a little over a year but I am finally going to post this in hopes that I can get a little help in dealing with it all.

My wife and I have a married couple that we are good friends with. She is a first stage trans-gender and, as I found out later, he is a bisexual.

This is where the problems started. Nick (our friends husband) and I hit it off quite well. We both like video games, computer based in specific. We both enjoy animation and computers as well as musical tastes. We even shared jobs. (Love that military service.)

I found out from my wife one day that Nick was in fact bisexual. She mentioned this to me so that, should it come up in conversation, I would be in the know.
I was hurt by this. Not because of his declaration, I have had quite a number of friends in the GLB community when I was in college. (Arts major and a theater minor insured that my name was "token" strait guy.) but that he had felt comfortable with letting my wife know but not me. I asked her and she said it was because he looked at me as a dedicated military man since I am planning on going to retirement and he feared the wrath of "Don't ask don't tell."
The more I thought about this the more I began to realize that this was not the REAL issue. I took several days and meditated, thought as deep and as objectively as I could and from as many angles as I could come up with. In the end I came to a conclusion that startled the crap out of me.

I was upset because of his opinion of me. And the reason behind that was what I hadn't expected.

I had a crush on Nick.

This forced me to confront and come to grips with a lot of things that I hadn't thought about since I was in college, which was in the early and mid nineties.

You see, while I was in college, I was invited to live off campus with a group of five acquaintances of whom I was already openly friendly with and the rest I was okay with.
The breakdown was Myself and two other guys/ strait, One guy/ Homosexual and two guys/ Bisexual.

All was fine and dandy for a while but things being what they are in college, drama made it's way into our house and eventually it started coming to a head.

I did not know the Gay guy in the house when I first moved in and our personalities where just different enough to cause issues. We eventually reached an agreement and became loose friends. He and one of the Bi's in the house that I was friends with became an item. Slowly, as time went on, I grew not to like or trust this man I once called my friend. I did not like the way he treated his new boyfriend nor was I happy with the slow realization that whenever things happened in the house, he would find ways to manipulate me into whatever side of the argument he needed me on. He knew enough of my personality that he knew how to work me.

Eventually he and his boyfriend had a huge blow-up when he chose his friends in another state over their relationship. When all was said and done. I and this gay man whom I had become loose friends with where left alone on a Friday night in a college town. He asked what I was doing and when I replied not much, he asked if we could talk.

I was ready for this, for some reason I never knew, I was everyone's shoulder when they needed to "talk". Needles to say, he spilt, I listened, he vented, I nodded and realized, I understood, he ranted, I agreed. We decided, between the two of us, that we would drink him out of his life. I was just up for getting trashed so it was all good. We drove out to the store and came back with a couple of cases and a need to build ourselves a pyramid of cans.

Several beers each later We where well on our way to alcohol poisoning. I was helping motivate him into standing up a little more to people and he was teaching me how to walk in heels and how to dress myself a little less like a hick and more like a normal member of society.

Somewhere along the way, we started laughing, I think it had something to do with my taking to heels quite well. It was that laughter that you can't breath and have difficulty reminding yourself that yes, you have been correctly potty trained.

I kissed him. He kissed back. We kind of made out, a lot.

It scared me. I had never questioned my own heterosexuality, I was okay with other people being who they where. But I had never questioned myself. I paniked and spoke very little to him the rest of my time there.

Now, here I am, 35 and realizing that I am a bisexual. I'm married, with a son and a decent career in a branch of the military. My crush with our friends husband has ended when he revealed himself to be a conniving little shit. But it does not change how I felt. I have emotional attachments to men as well as women.

What do I do now. I can't not be who I am and I can't exactly be very open about who and what I am (beyond being a Pagan.)

I need help.

Please.

[Moon_Child]

I'm not really good at giving advice but I am going to attempt to try it. So if what I says makes no sense which happens often lol just disregard it. I am also bisexual and am currently in a relationship (with a guy) that I am happy with. Anyways not everyone has to know that you are bisexual because its really none of their business unless you decide to tell them. Are you afraid that if you get attached to another man it will affect your marriage? It seems like you don't trust yourself but that may just be me. I would just do what you have been doing all along just because you find out that your are bisexual doesn't mean you have to change in anyway.

[JBRaven]

] Be open with yourself and your wife maybe an open relationship of swinging may be for you. I am married live in the military and I am very happy with the set up we have, we go out I find a chick i think is hot and see if she is ok with it.. There is no reason to be ashamed if people really love you yeah they will get over it

[WolfWitch]

My wife knows and is very okay with it. It's just that i have to keep this secret due to my military life. And it's hard to figure out how I feel about it and what i should do next, when I have to keep things so secret.

Thanks for the advice so far.

[ennister]

Have you considered trying to get in touch with some of the gay military networks for support? they're out there, I know a lot of gay people in the military struggle with certain dynamics towards gays in military.

[jacob_maes_hughes]

ennister makes a very good point. Im gay and ex-militray, i was in the national guard in my home state for 2 years but had to get out for medical reason. there are many gay services members that are open about there sexuality.

Try and find a support network at your Duty Station. when i was at Fort Jackson i found 2 support networks.

[WolfWitch]

Thanks for the advice. I recently had one of my Wiccan initiates from the group I help lead on the ship come out to me because he had some things he needed to talk about. I have since been introduced to another. Though they are both fully gay, they have been supportive.

I will see what they know about a group.

Thank you. It feels good to be able to talk about this without having to look over my shoulder.

Blessed Be.

WW.

[dark]

Hello, after reading your post I noticed two different issues that are clashed into one and this maybe where to confusion is coming from. First, admitting bisexual thoughts and actions can be difficult. This is why the "coming-out" process can be emotionally deadly to some people. However, this is something you have acted on in the past and now have a life as a heterosexual married man. So then comes the second issue...the crush. Whether the crush is hetero or homo-sexual it is still a crush; and you are married. Has the thought of acting on your desires concerned you? How does your wife feel? Some people say it is not cheating if it is with the same sex. And for some they can continue to grow in their marriage while their partner has a bisexual relationship with another. BUT...crushes can turn to lust; lust can turn to connection, and the situations are endless once a true connection is made. The mental connection in the sense of cheating is harder for me to handle than the acutal physical connection. However, you described a connection you and this man already have because you share many of the same interests. So physical actions can enlighten the mental connection.

I hope this makes sense. I know friends who have been involved in love triangles and usually it never turns out how they hoped and someone ends up hurt.

The root of your confusion can be broken down into smaller and more managable issues that will help lead to an answer.

Anne Marie

[WolfWitch]

Luckily the crush passed. The person in question ended up being a complete ass. But it did get me to finally admit my feelings. My wife is openly supportive and understands that it's more of an emotional thing with me than a physical thing. She thinks it's cute though that, now that i'm being a lot more honest with myself about what I am and what I like. She giggles because a young sushi chef at a local restaurant makes me blush. (Seriously, he's very, VERY cute and acts flustered a lot which only ramps up his cuteness factor.)

It does make me a little sad though. If I'd been honest with myself I could have had a chance to save Jerry from an ugly relationship. I think he and I would have had a shot at something. But, I wouldn't have had my marriage or my absolutely wonderful child. Who knows what will happen in the future but I know that I really need to talk to someone about it all, if anything to get some things off my chest. I may just do it here as no one knows my identity on here or my real identity, so the anonymity may be my best option. Thanks everyone for the understanding. It's been a load off my shoulders.

WW

[[HangedMan]]

just saw this thread.

i really don't think your confusion is 100% about being bisexual. i think your confusion really lies in the realm of "do i really want to stay in a monogamous marriage or not?"

so what's really bothering you about knowing that you're bi?... to me, nothing has changed with the exception that, if you were single, you'd be dating girls and guys. but you're not single. and unless you're in an open marriage, i don't understand why anyone needs to know your sexual preference or make it a big deal-- you found someone to make a life/family with already.

sorry if this is coming off a bit curt, but i just wanted to perhaps help you see what really might be the issue here.

[WolfWitch]

just saw this thread.

i really don't think your confusion is 100% about being bisexual. i think your confusion really lies in the realm of "do i really want to stay in a monogamous marriage or not?"

No, it's just, I don't really know what to do now. I'm not sure if I want to act on this now or just accept it and go on with my life. It's confusing.

so what's really bothering you about knowing that you're bi?...

It's kind of intimidating.

to me, nothing has changed with the exception that, if you were single, you'd be dating girls and guys. but you're not single. and unless you're in an open marriage, i don't understand why anyone needs to know your sexual preference or make it a big deal-- you found someone to make a life/family with already.

With my job, I have to keep everything I do very secret. If things got out.

sorry if this is coming off a bit curt, but i just wanted to perhaps help you see what really might be the issue here.

[[HangedMan]]

yes, i understand the job thing is tricky. but, like i said, you're already settled down with a woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with. so... again, unless you're in an open marriage or you're thinking of cheating and/or flirting with your co-workers (which i'm sure isn't allowed anyway!), why would you need to tell anyone else but your wife and perhaps a couple close friends whom you can trust? and some random message board users.

seriously, i'm not trying to be bitchy here, i'm just trying to perhaps make you see this from a very logical point of view so you don't feel so guilty or torn over what you're feeling. your work and home lives are highly encouraged to be separate, so i don't understand the anxiety there. you just don't tell them. period. it's none of their business anyway. if you told them, it would turn into a scandal and i'm sure you don't want that. if you need to tell people, try going to a church confessional and letting it off of your chest, or finding more message boards to go on, or even a therapist (which is probably the best option b/c you could work out all of your anxieties too).

however, if you feel that this ache of yours has more to do with wanting to be free to experiment b/c you never have before, i guess the best thing to do would be to talk to your wife about it. i dunno. perhaps you two are in a relationship where she may like that. maybe she'd even enjoy bringing another guy into the bedroom and you'd both be happy. who knows? nothing wrong with that if you both want it. just trying to figure out what the real root of the problem is here, because it seems like you are almost frustrated, or looking for permission to explore your bisexuality more. the only one who can give you permission is your wife, really. but the only one who can make you happy is you. so... hope you come to terms with whatever's bothering you about your recent discovery. good luck.

[WolfWitch]

yes, i understand the job thing is tricky. but, like i said, you're already settled down with a woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with. so... again, unless you're in an open marriage or you're thinking of cheating and/or flirting with your co-workers (which i'm sure isn't allowed anyway!), why would you need to tell anyone else but your wife and perhaps a couple close friends whom you can trust? and some random message board users.

seriously, i'm not trying to be bitchy here, i'm just trying to perhaps make you see this from a very logical point of view so you don't feel so guilty or torn over what you're feeling. your work and home lives are highly encouraged to be separate, so i don't understand the anxiety there. you just don't tell them. period. it's none of their business anyway. if you told them, it would turn into a scandal and i'm sure you don't want that. if you need to tell people, try going to a church confessional and letting it off of your chest, or finding more message boards to go on, or even a therapist (which is probably the best option b/c you could work out all of your anxieties too).

I feel like there's supposed to be this next step I'm supposed to take in all of this.

What I'm trying to work out is DO I want to take a next step. I don't really know if I want to act on these feelings. As I have stated before, my wife is not the issue. She is okay with things. It's me. I'm standing here, looking at the roads in front of me and i don't know which way I should go or even if I should.

Hope this clears things up.

[[HangedMan]]

okay, so, is your feeling that the next step would be to (for lack of a better term) "experiment" with your new found feelings with another man and confirm that part of you that you've been denying for so long?

or is your next step more about just letting everyone know you're a bisexual man b/c you feel like you're gonna burst if you don't?

i guess that's what i've been trying to ask. are you more confused b/c it's a matter of action and needing to do something to feel better, or is it more of a matter of acceptance, and you're looking for family/friends to approve of who you are now that you know this about yourself?

[WolfWitch]

okay, so, is your feeling that the next step would be to (for lack of a better term) "experiment" with your new found feelings with another man and confirm that part of you that you've been denying for so long?

or is your next step more about just letting everyone know you're a bisexual man b/c you feel like you're gonna burst if you don't?

i guess that's what i've been trying to ask. are you more confused b/c it's a matter of action and needing to do something to feel better, or is it more of a matter of acceptance, and you're looking for family/friends to approve of who you are now that you know this about yourself?

It's not so much confirming as re-affirming. Part of me wants to open that door again, and if you read the story, I slammed it pretty good last time.

I'm not looking for acceptance from anyone but myself. I guess what I'm trying to do is figure out where this fits in my life now that I'm acknowledging it.