mysticfyreflys blog

Post by **mysticfyrefly** » Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:04 am

I figured i'd start a blog on here I haven't had allot of time to sit down and write in my own journal although I should. I figured why not Lately I've had some really great things happen to me on the inside. I've been healing allot I've had allot of time to focus on things. I've dipped into my own personal hell my past.. thumbed through my mistakes and have decided to move on. I made the mistake of letting my divorce and other terrible things that happened to me through out my life take hold of me. I started drinking heavily and I got a dui my 2nd one. This time I wasn't so lucky I've got numerous fines and 30 days house arrest. I think instead of getting angry or blaming anyone else about this I took the bull by the horns and took my responsibility. I also in a way was thankful I needed a wake up call I needed something to take hold of me and change me allow me to heal. I had no choice but to be stuck to myself. I got 30 days house arrest and have not had the pleasure to walk out in the sunshine or run away from myself by running to a bar or doing unhealthy things to numb my inner pain. I know i've had something intervene too My dreams have been prophetic have led me on a path of healing. I've had dreams of my old life with old houses and packing up my stuff and moving. Dreams of walking down a path and being blocked by objects and items in my past put away and instead of stopping to pick my old things up I decided that the stuff needed to be sold and gone. In my dreams i've ran into my greatest fear bee's which I now are a symbol of my inner self attacking at myself and wonderfully either a spirit animal or my inner self as a bird taking the attack of the bee's away from them getting me. I've had to look at my abuse as a child and those who hurt me deeply and tried to kill my inner spirit. I've really done allot of thinking I've fought the inner demons I dunno if i've won yet but I can at least see something of a light at the end of the tunnel. I no longer feel as if I should torture myself although I still do some. The other night i had a dream though one that I think opened my eyes in a huge way. I dreamt of creation being one with some sort of being whether it be a god I do not know. I do know that they spoke to me and told me that I was a beautiful wonderful creature and that needed me to spread the word of love to others. I was needed in the fight of humanity. I was shown life being started and life ending in a vast darkeness and light coming again. I saw the world end how crazy and was shown how terrible the world has become and I saw nature cry. The dream was so moving I don't feel as if I"ll ever be the same from it. I think too that I was being told something real and true and this I was meant to hear and share. It litterally brings tears to my eyes because I felt so much from this dream but I think it was more than a dream and I think why me why would I get a message like this I am only but a single little person nothing special but odviously something was trying to tell me something that i'm not just a single little soul I am one with everything and i'm not alone I am one with everything as well as everyone else is. If only we could all see this. My leg bracelet comes off friday and once again i'll be able to walk in the sunshine and feel the soft breeze on my skin and I know that for once in my life i'm gonna look around and take notice of everything around me. I will kiss the breeze, hug a tree (of course asking first) smile back at the sun and feel the soft dirt between my feet.

Post by **mysticfyrefly** » Mon May 05, 2008 12:07 pm

I had some thoughts so thought i'd pop in and blog some maybe i'll do that once a week on here things are too hectic to write everyday plus maybe lookin back from my first blog will help me see how much hopefully i've improved as a person. ... I was driving home from work today and All I could thing was well i'm tired but I feel good I feel as if a lead weight as been lifted off my shoulders. I have no idea where it went but I look at it as being a back pack or extra rocks I feel right now as if I have no imaginary backpack on. I'm not used to this where did it all go? I'm happy though I cried this last week I allowed myself to curl into a ball and just let it all out. I needed to cry I needed to mourne i've lost allot in my life my old dreams i needed to let die just let em go. I won't ever have the life that I wanted back when i met my first love. I'm not going to be starting the perfect family with the nice house and the white picket fence that lives only in fairy tales and dreams. I'm not going to do some of the things I always wanted to. I cried over things i've tortured myself for not completing the dreams i've had. I've tortured myself because I was abused as a child I will no longer listen to those confusing angry hurt words of my mother who was on drugs and confused herself.. I am no longer going to listen to the inner voice that said you went with them and let them do that to you. I"M SCREAMING INSIDE YOU CANNNOT HURT ME ANYMORE NOOOO MORE EVER AGAIN my inner voice screaming to myself I WILL PROTECT YOU NOW AND ALWAYS.... I needed to let it out I need to realize now that although i couldn't protect myself then from what happened that now i must protect myself from hurting myself stabbing myself with guilt shame hurt and anger. Why did I think so much that I had to keep doing that to myself did I deserve more than what had already happened I was a confused little child how was I to know. I'm beginning to realize that whatever has happened to my body on the outside does not effect my soul on the inside. Inside I am a perfect soul. I didnt' realize this I went through school growing up harboring a secret that no I will no longer be ashamed of or keep one so terrible that I felt tainted as if everyone could see how messed up I was that I was damaged goods. I felt as if I would never be able to walk in the front or amongst everyone else because I was different. I met men who took advantage of that tried to further control belittle me because like a bully you always pick on the underdog and the underdog was me. My first husband was a psychopath that would play mind games sing nursery rhymes to me using my name and belittling me he made me and my own family think I was nuts. I got on every pill imaginable to try to cure my so called depression. He often called me fat cow as if 120lbs was huge and I thought so because when i looked int he mirror all I could see is something different not even worth lookin at. I had people ask me if I was a model because little did I know i was gorgeous on the outside as well as in. I worked hard spending hours putting on makeup making sure my hair was perfect because godforbid if I didnt' go to the grocery story lookin just right people would stare because I was different. My husband told me so and I believed so myself my inner little child said so. He was a military man and wasn't meant to be there he was no soldier. His time away though would just get me a few steps ahead of seeing that I wasnt' who he told me was. Just when i'd get ahead though he'd pop back in telling me that we were soul mates that nobody else would understand me and fit me like he did. I had to little boys with him too my children he used as a crutch as well...I believed it he had been there for me when I went through allot of things. My getting over my drug addiction my flashbacks of the boys that hurt me as a child. Ones of my mother. Maybe he did see some of my insanity but he had me in his hands controlled like a puppet. I learned the art of ducking often never seeing his rage coming just hoping to get out of the way in his insane moments. Hoping that he didn't grab me by the neck. Defying him only made him angier standing up to him took strength and will and often resulted in bruises, thoughts of suicide and my beautiful collectables and things broken in peices on the floor. He had convinced my whole family as well that I had depression and emotional problems nobody saw his demons only me.. well and my closests friends with whom he made me drive off or they could no longer bear to watch him so they walked away after many attempts at trying to help me. My mother even tried to help me she had gotten off her pain pills and went to rehab and started to see reality again herself although her body weakened by sickeness she remained my rock. She stood her ground and tried to protect me for once I knew my mother underneath the numbness of the drugs that she had abused so many years was a strong woman a woman in which I became proud to call my mother. she became my best friend I only had a short time with her this way 3 years at most. Her body was no longer able to sustain its life she was just too weak and although i know her soul cried as much as mine did she had to go. I cried for her the other day too not because of memory but because sometimes I just miss her. I ask her for strength and talk to her often hoping she listens wherever she is. When she died she gave me the strength though to finally stand up to my first husband she left me things too things that nobody else could see. Mental reminders even had money put away for me when i fought for my kids how could she have known I'll never know but she knew. I guess i got lost in memories here I finally was able to get away from my abusive husband I fought like tooth and nails to get my boys to protect them keep them with me get myself on my feet when i felt completely lost never really working or doing much of anything only a highschool education. I had no apartment no place of my own no job ha nothing little did I know i had everything. I've decided from remember this experience as well that I won't be getting involved with a man for a while because shortly after i got myself totally on my feet and became a mentor to other abused women as well as going back to college I met another man who put me right back in the same hole I began in. This man never beat me or anything I guess i put myself back into my old fantasys of being the good wife and mother and all that I gave it all up went back to being a stay at home mother to his two boys and my own two which I dont' regret and never will because his two were abused children neglected by their mother they finally got taken away from her and they needed a mother more than my own two even they needed love and protection and they came to live with us I once again questioned my own sanity I gave up everything my job and my independance and stayed home. The one thing I dont' regret from that experience is the love i Know i gave the children I gave 110% and once again my world revolved around my family my house it was my world. I was so into that .. I kinda didnt' notice one thing and that was that my 2nd husband had eyes elsewhere he had someone at home raisin the kids and a good wife to do it all for him in the home but he was young and still wanted to play which he did. He left me for someone else younger and my world crashed around me. I felt as if i'd forgotten how to breathe and for 3 years now i've carried this carried the same fantasys of having that perfect family life. The same ideals i've had for so many years I've held on so tight to this belief that i've tortured myself over this and this has brought me to waking up finally that I cant' have that. Its gone its dead and I can't have it back and honestly would i want that back. My body is damaged not as great as it once was I was angry because i wasted so many years on this. I self inflicted hoping to make the pain go away and well I think to torture myself for not being perfect as I thought i should be. I now know that that is not what I want even if I think I knew what that was supposed to be. I love me...at least for today at least for the last few weeks of healing. On a good note I've realized lately that there are things i can do I still look very young for 31 I still get carded I'm overweight but can lose it my body is crying out ok now that that backpacks off lets get goin lets get beautiful again at least so you know it.... I've got things to do I bought some alter items the other day and am going to work on making that space beautiful and give thanks for all that I have not all that i've given up. I have so much to give to others if I realize that someone else looks at me as being strong beautiful and normal as I very well should.

Post by **mysticfyrefly** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:08 am

This week has been great I can actually say i'm feeling much better.. I had some negativity in my life one person in particular that I won't go into but either way it blew up into a somewhat violent confrontation and me realizing this person did not need to be in my life... lookin back I realized that since hanging around with this person my life was going down hill things that I was trying to acomplish suddenly went to a halt and since getting rid of them I've felt better it didnt' start out that way though at first af the violent confrontation I felt terrible physically sick even although somewhat relived as well. I'm not a violent person I felt as if this person was somehow a psychic vampire... I had gotten away from my spirituality and hadn't even bothered with looking at my alter or doing any grounding I just didn't feel it. I felt though after all this I needed the goddess more than ever.. I did a grounding and some protection ritualistic things that felt right to me and have kept up with doing a protective salt bath every couple days so far its unbelievable how great I feel right now. I feel as if nothing and no one can hurt me or get me down. its a good feeling. I feel comfortable in my own skin this week and have started some counceling and my drug and alcohol classes... All I can do is keep stepping forward I know if I keep it up I'll go for and hopefully when i hit lifes little speedbumps that they will be less harsh

Post by **mysticfyrefly** » Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:28 am

Its been a while since blogging and i must say i've neglected allot spiritually I haven't grounded for a while and i'm feeling it perhaps i'll take some time today to do some meditating i've been feeling rather down lately.. I've done some changing I've been feeling kinda lonely i've I've walked away from some people in my life it hasn't been easy and i'm working towards sobriety i haven't totally passed the hurdle but am at least not drinking as I was before.. Ive met someone well I already knew him and we have been friends.. We have allot of chemistry but i'm still not sure if i'm up to the challenge of it all. He has some things he needs to get together in his life. Around him though lately I notice my attention not just being all over the place but more fixed on him. I am happy in a way knowing that as a woman that I haven't totally forgotten how to feel which i was very worried about Ive opened up a bit and yes I kissed him and felt good doing it I know it sounds crazy but I haven't felt like getting in the least bit intimate with anyone for a while I locked myself up like for knox... I am stubborn though and don't intend on falling in love at least right now. I did some card reading last night and they were very accurate I only asked what kinds of things I may expect in the next month and they leaned very much towards travel which is right now I'm taking my kids to Montana to visit their father for a month. They also said i'd come into a bit of fast money that well would most likely be spent rather quickly this too sounds like me . I get money I tend to not think about whats happening next I end up blowing it rather quickly i'm bad that way. It also made mention to love and that it may or may not be a great idea depending hmmm we'll see I guess. All in all I do feel as if i'm making improvements and plan on putting a little more time into things spiritually this week I bought some new candles a while back I'm gonna attempt at putting them to some good use I'm not sure exactly where yet i'm sure it'll come to me.

Post by **mysticfyrefly** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:46 pm

Its been a bit of a wild and crazy summer and my intuitions were right I just had to have them all fall into place... maybe the many prayers to the goddess did some good but I sure didn't really see it coming.. Ive found a great guy he is all that i have asked for although has hit a few speedbumps in his road along life as I have.. Spiritually though we do not see eye to eye he is very much christian although there is nothing wrong with this I was raised as such he will not allow any room for any other belief and those that seem far out to him he won't allow in. I know he is intuitive by some of the dreams and things he has I can see that if he allowed inner meditation he'd be more peaceful.. I suppose all i can do is throw out suggestions here and there that don't seem too " witchy" to him.. I just hope our separate beliefs don't put a wedge in our relationship i've already had to nicely ask me to have spiritual time now and then to do grounding and the things I need to do... hmmm guess i'll sleep on this.