This is a letter to my ex... some sort of final release. I never sent it anywhere, obviously. Literature-wise it's quite okay, that's why this letter is ending up here... so.
Dear K,
Yes, I mean you. KSEE. You. I'm writing this letter to you because I still didn't get over you, even after a year, when so much stuff happened in my life... This residual pain is still lingering in my soul. The pain of losing you forever. I lost you and you lost me, this is a fact. You are complete stranger to me now. Isn't it ironic... I remember when you messaged me first time on Mazily. It was something like “I like your appearance, would you be interested to talk? K”. I was at the moment trying to take care of a friend, KR, to cheer her up over her break-up. That friend is no longer here as well... I just decided to reply and to see how it goes. We had an interesting conversation really, I remember I was feeling quite uncomfortable with Swedish and I was like “gosh, I really have some sort of language impairment”. But thanks to you, you took it easily. We decided to meet up somewhere down town for a fika. I remember I was listening to Scorn, the track was called “Strand”, when I've seen you first time at Hötorget station. I was quite OK regards appearances when I saw your photo... thought like “okay, I really never had a real date with a girl before, a date with a girl who is genuinely interested in me at least, so it's OK, I'll give it a chance”. We went to RFSL, you brought your laptop - I was happy to fix the music software for you, and I liked your attitude when you started whistling something when some track was playing, I found it really cute! Then we walked towards Gamla stan and had dinner in some vegetarian restaurant... then we said goodbye and went each one her own way. I was having a feeling that I met an interesting person, and I definitely looked forward to meeting you again! Then, in Skype, you suggested me to go to your place, that you referred to as some sort of “gallery”. I said, like, “alright, let's do this!”. It was right after I got my permanent residence permit and had a drink with KR, who came to celebrate with me on crutches - that was so amazing of her to come! - I even asked her, who knows so many people in Stockholm, to check if she's a nice person, and KR said that she visited one of your exhibitions and she got a good ambience about you! I was having a good feeling about you, no matter if we end up as friends or lovers, I felt that it was a win-win situation. So, I took my laptop and went to your place in Blackeberg. There was one red flag actually that I ignored about you - you said “what is wrong with being self-centred” - but I thought it was alright, I didn't have any idea about my own emotional nature at the moment... We had dinner at your place, you showed me many photos, including photos of your exes... I don't exactly remember if it was that time or another time you showed me your quite intimate photos with your ex, C... I perceived it all quite distant, like, “okay, good quality” and you felt a bit hurt because, according to you, you wanted to show me your world. You also said that C, who lived at your place, is moving out soon since you two had problems living together even after the break-up, when you two just remained friends. Maybe in order to calm me down? So... we were fixing some music stuff, at some point - I never expected any intimacy - you suggested relaxing together a bit, and I was very happy to do that, my reaction was like “finally!”
Time just slowed for us, it felt like this. A lot of things happened then... at some point I was like “oh my God, you are so sweet!!!”, at this point I let you in emotionally and physically. Then you asked me if I want to go home, I said “what do you think?”, teasing you a bit - so we spent a night together, getting used to each other's energies. Next day you went to work and I went to the meeting with authorities, I think... This was exactly how it started. Then you went celebrating Christmas to your native Småland, to your parents' house. After the Christmas you went back to Stockholm because you just wanted to meet me again and I wanted to meet you again so much... I'm sorry if I'm describing some of the events out of order, this was really long time ago, but I remember it all in the greatest details anyway. This was the end of December 2013, everything so far looked great about you for me. I went to your place again... I think this was Friday, so I was looking forward to spending a whole weekend with you. We tried to get intimate, but at some point you stopped me, I was like “okay”. In the morning you said that you want to be alone, and this hurt me so much really... I didn't exactly understand the concept of me-time at the moment since I was having “me-time” all my life, I was so lonely... We had a walk in Tantolunden, I was behaving very distant, and you told me “no worries, I'm not going to throw you away from my life, let's meet on 31st and have dinner in some Indian restaurant. Jag bjuder!”. This made me feel better and I was like “okay, let's do that!”. So, on December 31st we had dinner somewhere in Södermalm, then went to your place, drinking non-alcohol beverages... the sky exploded with lights when the countdown was over, it was so beautiful... After all that, in the bed, you said the words that totally changed everything, the words I was longing for already... “I know it's so difficult to say but I think I love you”. OMG!!! Finally!!! “I love you too!!!”. It was so amazing feeling, at some point we both felt like we wanted to fall into each other... we had so amazing night that solidified our bond, we changed our Facebook relationship statuses and went to dreamland being the most happy girls in the world!!! January 1st, a perfect date for a start of a beautiful relationship... as I thought back in the days. I am most grateful for these moments really. Thank you so much. It shaped and confirmed my sexual identity, finally, and it was really transforming for me... after so many years of suffering, a permanent residence permit and a girlfriend! Thank you universe!!! A year ago, in December 2012, I wrote a wish during Christmas time about the residence permit, and in the very beginning of 2014 I felt that I was blessed double! Thank you again. The universe brought me exactly what I needed most, love and residence permit. And then... at the moment I had no idea what to make of it, to be honest. This was a totally new situation for me. I used to fight my way through the system and I was at the point where I just had to settle down finally. Everything at the moment that was lacking in my life was balance. I used to always think in a bigger picture, and I felt really insecure about everything, including even the blessings that were given to me by the universe. But no matter what, I decided that I'll do everything for you, as long as you're happy I am happy. I was sorting out stuff with authorities, recording an album based on your tracks - you recorded some tracks about me and I decided to reciprocate it. I recorded an album, “A New Beginning”... techno stuff... and prepared a physical release to be distributed on your live concert event where you had your exhibition as well. January passed by very smooth, and, in the beginning of February, after your concert, you recorded a track called “Different Feelings”. There was something in the air already. I am an empath, meaning that I am an emotional sponge when it comes to people, especially to my partner. I don't really know where it came from, but at some point I started to feel really jealous, especially regards you and C, and it felt like you became very distanced, and I became some sort of “chaser”, hence the jealousy as well. I had no idea what was happening but it was really disturbing. Nevertheless, in an attempt of positive affirmation, I recorded an EP for you for February 14th, an EP that was called “I love you so much that even in the distant areas of the known parts of our galaxy one can sense this overwhelming feeling”. You didn't download it in the end. At some point, after listening to some Coil tracks, the material that made me listening to my intuition big time, I had a nervous breakdown. You came to my place in an attempt to comfort me, I thought everything was okay after that, but all of a sudden I received a message from you, a suggestion to meet at RFSL and talk about something important. I was getting very mixed signals about it, and we met at RFSL... you told me you don't want to be with me any more. In a vain attempt to save the relationship I called one of the friends, he talked to you and then told me that not much could be done in this case. I told you “farewell then”, walked out of RFSL, went to T-Centralen, took the train home... the pain was so huge. What was given to me was taken away all of a sudden, this is how it felt at the moment. All the pain and suffering that I experienced through life, all the rejections came up and hit me so hard so I didn't consider living further any more. I called KR and said “sorry, but I just wanted to say goodbye, I can't take it any more“. She suggested that before I do anything to myself she needs to meet me. We met at Telefonplan, I had a very arrogant attitude and couldn't control myself... this arrogance of mine that came out of suppressed emotions just destroyed this friendship as well later on, but she took it all very seriously at the moment since she invested a lot of work into my asylum case back in the days and she liked me, considered me her special friend in the end... We went to her place and I was just crying and crying... I tried to hurt myself, so we went to St:Görans hospital and admitted me there. Next day I was transferred to Nacka hospital. Fairly said, it was nice in some way to be admitted, I took my time eating healthy vegetarian food and watching Doctor Who, particularly “The Trial of a Time Lord”, somehow identifying myself with Sixth Doctor. KR was visiting me there, we even had some laugh that I have to find a girlfriend from Norrland since they're different (KR is from Norrland). After I was released from the hospital, I went home, opened my emails and saw the messages that you want to get back together since you love me so much. It surprised me a lot since I took my time to get you out of my system, but I said “okay, come to my place” nevertheless. I still don't know why I did this. Maybe your willingness to solve the problem, maybe my desperation... You came, we talked and at some point you hugged me so tight and just started crying... my heart started to feel warm again and I said “okay, let's try to sort out our problems”. You stayed at my place for a night and we were kinda back together again. It was very strange really... later on some friends said that this relationship was dysfunctional from the beginning but no one except KR said anything beforehand, perhaps knowing that I'd dismiss their judgements. I still felt very hurt and we kept a huge distance from each other. We went to relationship counsellor, I found out that I didn't say enough compliments to you and some other things I absolutely had no idea about. But you released an EP, “For My Love”, in order to cheer me up and it was appreciated a lot. I tried to suppress my jealousy towards C, we talked with him and you a lot about the relationship between you and him, but something just didn't add up, I was still not convinced... I had no idea if it was my crazy jealousy or you two were closer than you and me in the way that I felt totally out of place, but later on some of my fears were kinda confirmed. I tried to do my best to use my activist network to find him a room when you literally planned to kick him out, but you still chose to move to another place in Hökarängen with him, when you were forced to move from Blackeberg due conversion of your housing to bostadsrätt. I tried to take it easy (even you said that you'd be jealous yourself in this case), but I was waiting for the end of April with fear, thinking that you both would appear on the door sign as a couple - the thought was really crazy but it was my fear, I couldn't do anything about it taking into account your distancing. But, you introduced me to your parents and family, I introduced you to my mom. To be honest, somehow I had a feeling that your sisters seem to be much nicer than you, and I liked the boyfriend of your older sister actually, a very nice guy and a fan of Doctor Who as well. We could become friends back in the days... but what was gone was gone for good. Days passed by... I was influenced by you to write a book about my distant past in order to make peace with my past and accept it, and I am very grateful about it. We started talking in Swedish, and I appreciated as well the language practice very much! Because of you I got my Swedish into shape, and thank you a lot for that. Concerts, long walks in nature, parties, movies, good food, enjoying life... we had good times regardless of our problems, and I am grateful. I've learnt a lot and starting to remember now how to keep a relationship going, to keep it fun and entertaining... it'll be very useful when my future girlfriend finally comes into my life. So, I helped you along with some friends to move to your new place, you even gave me my copies of keys to your place “just in case” and I really appreciated that as a sign of trust. You recorded a track for me, “A Summer With You”, when I was given an assignment in my school to make a speech about a Swedish artist and summer songs, I produced two remix albums for your tracks featuring my friends from music community. The bond was alive and growing regardless of your distancing and my bursts of jealousy from time to time. Around June we started to plan a grilling party in nature / release party for “A Summer With You”. We were invited to a place in Kallhäll, where you tried to have a drink first time since long time. We were buzzed and you said that in a couple of years you want to marry me... can't say I was particularly excited about it but the possibility of further bonding made me excited indeed. I still quite don't get the idea of marriage but if it's about bonding and if to consider it as absolute bond... wow! If we both were sober at the moment, I'd consider this an engagement already
To take the last name E was a fantastic idea anyway! We were both drunk as hell, stayed over in Kallhäll, tried to have sex when our friends were in the room - we didn't notice anyone, it was just about you and me - haha! Crazy girls
Crazy love. I have no idea what you're doing now but taking into account your depression and anxiety, as far as I know, I think that this time with me was a highlight of your life as well. Still, the problem with C persisted, and with time the distance between you and me was growing, the distance between you and him was contracting rapidly. You went to Småland for a couple of weeks, I can't really say you missed me even if I missed you as hell. Then I went to Småland since you invited me to spend Midsummer with your family... You behaved really unstable, crying a lot... I tried to comfort you but it was no good. Something in you just crumbled big time, I could feel it...
Okay. The aforementioned was written in August 2015, and from the moment of now, February 2016, everything feels very different. The pain is almost gone. I really moved on from all that. Cold facts... because of your stubbornness and lack of consideration I almost ended up in the mental hospital there. Two weeks after my visit to Småland you dumped me for good. And called the police, since I was behaving “unstable”. The aftermath of all that was this... after a failed suicide attempt I went through a very long path of recovery, which will be another story that is, frankly, not of your concern. Yes, just like you I haven't managed to find just anyone, because in the end... I am on a very different wavelength compared to the absolute majority. And, after all, I never have had any other relationship with a girl before. You couldn't respect me in this relationship, and... I couldn't do it as well, perhaps, because of our profound difference. Nevertheless, I've learnt my lesson, and I'm grateful for everything. I forgive you and I forgive myself. I let you go now. Go now in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way.
Hail and farewell,
/L