Moody Pre-teen

[blue_moon]

To all you parents (and those with teen experience) - how can I help my pre-teen - or help me not to explode every time she gets moody and loud (right now her attitude is so awful! My husband can't say a word to her without her giving fresh answers in a tone I'd never dare to talk to my parents at that age or later.)

I spent a terrible morning today and feel so weak. My girl is only 11....

She has a hard time at school (but being sensitive it doesn't take much to ruin your day and trouble you) - gets home quite late and didn't have her routine (dose of tv) past few days because we were learning for a test and she was invited to a birthday. (She said that - I really think she needs more quiet time at home but that never really helped with her moodiness)

... you know what I mean? ...

I think I need a technique for her to calm down. Like when I notice she gets mean - remind her - she just doesn't calm down then.... Ideas anyone?

[SnowCat]

I wish I had some ideas. My preteen granddaughters are 11 and 10, fifteen months apart. Volatile is a mild word for what goes on some days. If I do think of anything, I'll share it.

Snow

[Fae]

I certainly had a "rebellious" streak when I was younger. I'm not sure how much it'll help you, but my mom would typically just leave the room when I was rude and tell me she'd talk to me once I got my attitude or emotions in check. I'd typically go out for a walk or a run to try and out things in perspective, or else sit in my room by myself for a bit to think things over.

Have you tried getting her into yoga or meditation? While teenagers seem like alien creatures at times, and can act like selfish, savage beasts, they're really just growing into adulthood and learning how to communicate and cope with all aspects of life. From what I've seen a lot of us take the lead from our parents, so if you refuse to engage in a senseless fight or yelling match and keep the respect boundaries firmly in place, chances are she'll come around.

It could also be nearing that magical time for her to embrace womanhood if she hasn't already, and she's bound to feel tense and out of control. Like in spell casting almost, you can do some grounding, or erect some sort of shield so her negativity doesn't effect you in an emotional sense to the point where you feel overwhelmed and want to knock some sense into her. Maybe it can help keep you feeling more calm and less likely to engage when she's acting out, and you can both talk about it at a later time when she isn't feeling so volatile.

Good luck! Kids are difficult, and I think it's normal to a certain extent that they treat their parents poorly in our society, even if it's not right. I remember saying I'd never speak to my mom again several times, and I'm sure things that were ten times as hateful as that, but as I got older and more mature we grew to be closer. I hope it all works out for you and your family.

[corvidus]

I think I need a technique for her to calm down. Like when I notice she gets mean - remind her - she just doesn't calm down then.... Ideas anyone?

I would recommend a more passive approach. Children get to a point when they begin to develop internally, which causes revolution. Yoh can see it in all the 'emo' kid's beginning to eXpressMusic themselves. Give them space when it's appropriate, but don't distance them by forcing too much on them at once.

But I don't have kids, this advice is the result of outside perspective. Maybe some prayers for their psychological protection and smooth transition into young adulthood?

[Myrth]

There's some good advice here in this thread. I would just add two things.

1) It is important to set boundaries and to not let the child draw you into the emotional maelstrom. Take care of yourself, with grounding and shielding as needed. Children do better when they have consistently enforced rules.

2) Invite your child to join you in outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, skiing, gardening, camping or whatever you enjoy. Some of my best memories from that age, and from parenting that age, are from doing such things together. Getting your child outdoors will help ground her, which she needs emotionally. It can also help her develop her spiritual side. It will help you too.

[blue_moon]

Thank you guys!!

Shielding sounds GREAT! I should do that.
What makes it most difficult is the dynamic her actions have. I have a 6 and 3 yr old watching her say "no i don't want to do this or that" or see how she ignores me or tells me "later" and things won't get done. My youngest is the kid helping the least - he doesn't watch me doing housework (busy playing) and he won't see the older siblings do housework (they will just let time pass).

I don't have the energy to go adter every problem right now (and unfortunately i have a new other problem just popping out of the ground that take up alot of my energy)

Shielding... I'll have to do that. Also for her. Instant technique/idea/link my head is so empty...

[Katrinkah]

I don't have kids but I teach them and at first it was really draining for me. I always tried to be the "nice teacher". Or the "cool teacher". But after years of being run over by my students I put my foot down and set boundaries. I decided that I'm not there to be friends and that it was ok if they didn't like me all the time. And after that they learned more, showed respect, and worked harder for my praise. They even enjoyed class more somehow... I really don't know what to say about your situation because I've never been there. But for me the kids responded when I put my foot down and sternly said enough. Also, I do know that teens go through a phase where they start re-testing boundaries that were set in place when they were younger. Hope this helps. I know it's hard to find the balance between too nice and too mean with kids. Many blessings to you.