Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Discussion of raising your family in the pagan tradition.
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Mystie.Graves
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Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Mystie.Graves »

I'm curious about helpful opinions.

I grew up in south Mississippi. Now live in New Mexico (No passport needed lol!).

I was raised in a Southern-Baptist Christian family.
I NEVER gave in tot he belief of Christianity. I played along as a kid when I was taken to church, mostly to avoid getting in trouble. lol!

Once I got older I was able to avoid it, while still keeping it a secret from my family that I was never 'one of them'.

While *I* do not practice any Christian beliefs & do not believe in them; I do respect the people who do.
I just tend to avoid it because of how harsh my childhood was on it;
I will not elaborate on what I consider harsh because it was unpleasant.

I married my husband, which will be 10 years ago this June.
He was also raised in a Christian home, but when we met he was not... I guess you would say 'Active' Christian. In fact he was also borderline anti-christian, he was open to the idea of magic & different practices.
However; recently, in the past year, he started returning to church. We have had hard struggles financially and other such issues. So I understand him wanting to return to what he knows, and find a comfort to help him get through his problems his own way.

He always knew, from the beginning, that I was borderline anti-christian. He knows about some of the hard things I had to deal with as a kid; he always acted like & said he he understood. He knew I had a fascination with witchcraft & nature & even darker arts. He also knows I do not refer to myself as any particular label, since I feel I am not well-taught enough to find that title.

Only recently he has been acting as if the opposite is happening. He seems to be more religious than before. Even going as far as to tell me I am a poser and that I am not a Wiccan or a Witch; that it is just an annoying obsession.
Which I know I have not found 'what' I am. Though Wicca & witchcraft practices are very similar to what I believe.
I realize he is stressed. We are only a few late payments away from losing some important things, like our home. We are dealing with high levels of debt. That can breakdown anyone. He never used to 'hate' on me about what I believe or what I do; only lately has he been borderline hateful toward me. He even once said "I wonder if God is punishing me for loving & marrying a heathen like you." But at the time it seemed like he was joking.

~*~

I guess what I am wondering is:
Does anyone here have a family of mixed beliefs & how do you balance it out?
Do you still face these same conflicts, hate, & a slowly building level of insults & bitterness?
I realize mixing Christian & Magic is normally like mixing Water & Oil; but I do know it is coming to blend more.
I have even heard of Christian-Wicca beliefs. Though being raised on Christian and KNOWING what it is, I find it hard to see where it can connected without defying the christian side of it. Knowing what *I* know about both sides, I am finding trouble seeing a way to balance it and make it connect.

Any suggestions, comments, or helpful ideas with be great.

(I am not trying to 'hate on' or insult anyone in their beliefs.)

(MODS: If I put this thread in the wrong place, please move if it can be done. If not please tell me where to post and I will copy-delete-paste lol)
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Vendredi
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Vendredi »

Oh, Mystie... my heart goes out to you.

A lot of your story reminds me of my first marriage. I can't offer much advice, but I will offer my support, a rather sturdy shoulder, and an ear if ever you want to talk. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Mystie.Graves »

Vendredi wrote:Oh, Mystie... my heart goes out to you.

A lot of your story reminds me of my first marriage. I can't offer much advice, but I will offer my support, a rather sturdy shoulder, and an ear if ever you want to talk. Feel free to PM me if you wish.
Thank you so much! It is getting hard, but I keep holding strong hoping to find my own way of helping with the problems we have. The conflict is really starting to get to me, despite my attempts to stay calm, neutral, and help & support him how I can. I have actually played with the thought of us separating, but we have a kid; I don't want that for my son, it is hard.

Sometimes I wonder if my husband would be happier without me.

I think it may be a easy excuse for him, to blame our differences, giving himself a reason behind our troubles. When the fact is, life happens. We do what we can to make up for the mess of problems, and barely manage to get by. I just wish I could do more to make this work, but being jabbed at with hurtful remarks, being the butt-end of his jokes, constantly being downed because of how I think, and the everyday insults to what I do or not do; these things build up. Cleansing and meditation helps, but is not a fix. Until the problems are resolved it will continue, I just wish I was no longer an outlet for these problems. (But I am happy that we keep everything out of sight of our son.)
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by smogie_michele »

I wish I had some helpful advice, but I'm afraid I am at a loss.
I know all to well how money problems have a funny way of making people lash out at the ones who are the dearest to them. If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me. I may not have any helpful words to offer, but I can always be an outlet.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Becks »

Holy Hannah!!! Well, I just want to say you are in my thoughts. If it's cool I'd like to direct you some supportive energy that helps you hold to what is important to you, and your sense of self. Regardless of your belief....it's about you being centred in your path.

Then the next thing that springs to mind is that sadly, you can't control his path of his process. That is to say, his beliefs might differ....and you can't change what he thinks....all you can do is meet it with reason, and your own wisdom and strength. If he's going to forget who you are or drift....ultimately you have no control over that.

Now that you know this is where his mind is.....you can be prepared for this stuff and maybe discuss it w bit more when it comes up. I don't know what you're like....or what you need...but I would be addressing these comments as they come. I might ask him to, "tell me a bit more about what you're thinking?" At least you won't be surprised.

These are scary hard financial times and I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

I don't know....I guess even more than the issue of difference of religion...I am concerned about the declining language of respect. How he is acting with you....People from different faiths fall in love all the time. It can be done. Maybe you can shift the focus from religion to the heart of the matter which is different, respect, and how fundamental differences are handled?

That's so tough!

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Yex »

Becks wrote:I guess even more than the issue of difference of religion...I am concerned about the declining language of respect.
I concur.

Mystie, you it seems like you alluded to a consideration of altering your own beliefs, or your expression of them, as an attempt to solve this problem. Not only is this not a solution, but to do so would be a great disservice to yourself. As Becks mentioned, people of different faiths can and frequently do form caring relationships. It seems the more fundamental issue here is the way your husband is treating you. You mention that in the past, he was understanding of your path, but when times became hard, he is now lashing out at you. If that's the case, your religious inclinations are only the implement for his vitriol.

It's really hard when the person that is so close to you starts treating you like a stranger. I don't really have any advice, but I can empathize, and I send you my love. I sincerely hope that you are able to get through to him. It seems like most of the problems we face with other people, and especially those we love, is a matter of communication breakdown.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Mystie.Graves »

smogie_michele wrote:I wish I had some helpful advice, but I'm afraid I am at a loss.
I know all to well how money problems have a funny way of making people lash out at the ones who are the dearest to them. If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me. I may not have any helpful words to offer, but I can always be an outlet.
Thank you. =D I understand this is an odd topic. lol And yes you are right, at the worst time people can target the wrong things and place blame. Admittedly I have tolerated a lot. while still trying to talk it out and keep up communication.

~*~
Becks wrote:Holy Hannah!!! Well, I just want to say you are in my thoughts. If it's cool I'd like to direct you some supportive energy that helps you hold to what is important to you, and your sense of self. Regardless of your belief....it's about you being centred in your path.

Then the next thing that springs to mind is that sadly, you can't control his path of his process. That is to say, his beliefs might differ....and you can't change what he thinks....all you can do is meet it with reason, and your own wisdom and strength. If he's going to forget who you are or drift....ultimately you have no control over that.

Now that you know this is where his mind is.....you can be prepared for this stuff and maybe discuss it w bit more when it comes up. I don't know what you're like....or what you need...but I would be addressing these comments as they come. I might ask him to, "tell me a bit more about what you're thinking?" At least you won't be surprised.

These are scary hard financial times and I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

I don't know....I guess even more than the issue of difference of religion...I am concerned about the declining language of respect. How he is acting with you....People from different faiths fall in love all the time. It can be done. Maybe you can shift the focus from religion to the heart of the matter which is different, respect, and how fundamental differences are handled?

That's so tough!
We are very different people, but I love the difference (normally) it keep things interesting, if we always agreed on everything or liked the same things it could get boring. lol

We are both very communicative, always able to talk things out. When we have problems, or disagree; we always find ways to discuss it & try to understand one another.

I do try to talk to him about it, but while he turns around and brushes it off as 'he didn't mean it like that' or "I misunderstood" or "I can't take a joke"... I would normally believe this, but lately it is an increase of the problem, they seem to grow despite our constant communications. I feel a growing bitterness from him over how he views my beliefs. He acts like it doesn't matter and its an on going joke he is tired of, as he said "It is like you're a kid with a useless toy you need to grow out of and let go." Which, when I tried to talk to him about what he said, he told me I didn't get it and he didn't mean it that way. That I need to 'lighten up'.

I have never tried to force any idea onto him, nor have I ever downed on him about anything he believes ...but... I have noticed it was never an issue (He didn't act this way before) until he started returning to church.

I wonder if it is a conflict of energies. Not that either energy is negative; just not compatible.

Energy is a ever flowing thing, it will change, flow, give & take, breathe... however it wants & is meant too.

I do not want to give up on my family, I love my husband (even with the insults & issues) & I love my sweet yet stubborn son. I wouldn't give them up for anything.

We dated for a few years before getting married, though June will be our 10th year of being married.
I know I am very frustrated that after so many years of being open minded & supportive, he suddenly in this last year decides I believe in something useless & that my way of being hinders his beliefs. It is very hard to not do the same when I receive so much negativity about how I think & what I believe. It is a challenge for sure.

I want to be supportive of his beliefs, I want to support him and help him feel better through our problems, & I love and care about him; but how do I receive all the hate, process and get past it, without becoming just as bitter toward him for the very same reasons? How can he expect me to drop everything I am, everything I think & feel, all I have learn over the past several years; and not be upset or become just as bitter? Though I am desperately trying not too.

I know growing up, the christian way of thinking is to believe that anything not christian is of the devil.
I am not a satanist, I do not revolt against the christian way THAT much, lol! (I will however respect the people who are, but as much as I hold interest in the dark side as well as light & nature, I have no inclination to worship anyone, regardless of who or what. I also do not believe evil & dark are the same, nor are light & good. I think each is four different things.)

What I believe is that everything we are, is all connected, everyone is unique, the energies of our world while each our own do connect us. I also think that whatever is the greater power that we came from is much bigger than what most religious ideals can conjure. There are so many religions, so many ideas, and many of the ideas have similar basis and 'fact' through history that seem to connect... but no exact definable truths that fully stand out and is compelling to EVERY way of thinking & being. How can humans, with so many options, each expect & think that their own way is the only true way? Being raised in the christian way, I see so much of that way of thinking; 'unless it is christian it is wrong'. I can't bring myself to think that way, but I respect others that do, even if I don't agree with it.

Some days he will talk with me like nothing is wrong, and life is great, and he doesn't have any problems with anything or me. He will even get cuddly and be like he was before.

Most days he uses me as an outlet of his problems, like he wants to blame me & my "heathen" ways for all our misfortune. Making bad jokes toward my way of thinking, and saying hurtful things claiming that it is a 'joke'. Or even straight up telling me that what I think is useless.

Everyday is a tossup, will I get a good happy day, or will I deal with more insults & hate?

~*~

I do wonder, does anyone here have christian family that is aware? If so do they act the same, or do they support and care?
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Mystie.Graves »

Yex wrote:
Becks wrote:I guess even more than the issue of difference of religion...I am concerned about the declining language of respect.
I concur.

Mystie, you it seems like you alluded to a consideration of altering your own beliefs, or your expression of them, as an attempt to solve this problem. Not only is this not a solution, but to do so would be a great disservice to yourself. As Becks mentioned, people of different faiths can and frequently do form caring relationships. It seems the more fundamental issue here is the way your husband is treating you. You mention that in the past, he was understanding of your path, but when times became hard, he is now lashing out at you. If that's the case, your religious inclinations are only the implement for his vitriol.

It's really hard when the person that is so close to you starts treating you like a stranger. I don't really have any advice, but I can empathize, and I send you my love. I sincerely hope that you are able to get through to him. It seems like most of the problems we face with other people, and especially those we love, is a matter of communication breakdown.
That is the odd thing. We do talk. Sometimes he hears me out, but mostly he either shrugs it off as I am over reacting or misunderstanding him. Sometimes I am sure I can overreact, stress is a hard thing to process, but hateful words can be pretty clear in their meaning.

Other times he just doesn't want to hear anything, so I in turn ask him to talk it out & then I just listen. He usually calms once he has had his say, even if what he says is not exactly nice. I think he even seem to realize it, he will talk it out, then he will apologize for 'being so stressed', but not necessarily apologize for his harshness toward my views.

It is a challenge for sure, but I will keep doing what I think is right, I hope we will find balance. I do not want to compromise my own beliefs, but I refuse to be hateful toward his, even if sometimes I worry I might fall that way.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by EtherealMoonRose »

Oh hun, I am so sorry you are having a hard time with this.

I grew up in a Jehovas Witness (my dad) and an Anglican (my mum) household but not once was it rammed down my throat. I have been Wiccan for almost 15 years now but I don't think my family know although I think they know I am rather spiritual. It's just never been an issue- I respect what they believe and I'm sure the feelings mutual. People can be very passionate about what they believe in and believe that their way is the only way. However I think your husbands comments were way out of line! He doesn't have to like or believe what you believe in but he should at least respect your views. Luckily my husband is very open and interested in my path, he even joins in on spells sometimes!

I don't really have any advice just wanted to give you my view. I hope for your sake he pulls his head out and at least learns to think before he speaks. Big *hugs*
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Heartsong »

Firstly, I want to say that I empathize greatly with what you're going through, and I hope that things start getting better for both of you soon. Love and light to you.

Your story resonates with me, I think because I'm also married to a person of differing spiritual beliefs. My husband and I were raised in Christian homes, albeit his was much stricter than mine (in regards to religion at any rate). I've always been deeply spiritual, but he's tended to be much more agnostic. When I started to confide in him my interest in Paganism, he was skeptical, but he said that if it was the path I wanted to follow, he'd support me, and he has. Now, he doesn't view things the same way I do. Occasionally, I'll be performing a ritual and he'll walk right through my circle and go, "Hey, whatcha doing!", which greatly exasperates me, or he'll leave something on my altar that doesn't go there (like a bag of groceries). When I express my irritation, he doesn't understand why it bothers me. We have drastically different ideas of what's sacred and what isn't. To an extent, it feels as though the spiritual aspect of my life if completely separate from my marriage. I'd love to share it with my husband, but invitations are gently turned aside. 'If it makes you happy, then I'm happy', is usually what he says, preferring not to get involved in something so very different from his own beliefs.

Keep the lines of communication open. I hope you'll find that balance you're looking for.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Myrth »

People grow and people change. Sometimes in a marriage they grow apart. My first husband went from former Christian to practicing Catholic and he tried to drag me with him. I would not and could not go there with him. We parted for many reasons, not just religious / spiritual issues. But at the core of it was he didn't respect me and my right to be me.

I don't want to project my life lessons on you, but your mention of your husband's comment about being punished for loving a heathen like you and other dismissive comments about your path, raised a big red flag for me. That sounded very disrespectful of you.

Best wishes to you as you sort this out. Love and light to you.
Myrth

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Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Hi Mystie, I feel ya girl.. What you're going through is my biggest fear. My fiancé was raised southern baptist in Arkansas, and I a Methodist in Oklahoma. When we met, both of us had rebuked our faith and had resentment for organized religion. He still does. I'm a seeker and I have continued to search for the truth, and like most seekers I will probably never find it. My fiancé is not very spiritual. I tell myself, he will be when the time is right for him. I just wonder if when he does, will he just go back to what he knows? And, will that cause a problem between us? His mother is already somewhat bothered by my admission that I don't believe every word in the Bible is true. She's also worried I will influence him to think like me and not her. He knows I believe in elemental energy work, read tarot cards, and use crystals and seashells for energy work purposes and he isn't bothered by it in the least. But, I know how upset he can get when we disagree about politics so I'm worried one day he'll go back to Christianity and resent me for my beliefs.

I'm sure the stress of the finances are playing a huge role in this for you. I can also relate to loving an impatient man. My fiancé isn't perfect. He says disrespectful things to get his point across often. But, he always recants eventually and apologizes. He loves me and will always stay with me and that's what matters the most to me. Not saying I like when he does that, but just that I'm mature and secure enough to forgive him. But, he has to truly be sorry, and I think he is. He was an only child growing up with a spoiling single mother. He had little to no relationship with his father his teen or young adult years. He just learned a lot of bad habits of behavior during that time and until he met me, he never met anyone who would tell him to his face that it's wrong. 5 years ago, his father moved back to Arkansas and wanted to reconnect with his son. He offered him a job as well and they began spending time together daily. He let us move in to save money and my fiancé really appreciated his father helping us out like that. Today, he says his dad is his best friend and the relationship has really healed my fiancé. I think this is a big part of why he's able to eventually see when and where he was wrong.

The only advise I can share is to try to be there for him in his stress. Not a punching bag by any means, but don't allow this to draw a line between you. Encourage him to be his best and mend any other broken relationships that are important to him. As far as blending Christianity with other beliefs, which is something that I do, there are many threads on this site about other who do. Not one with hard defined rules for the Christian witch, and far too many about if a Christian witch is even something you can be based on the warnings in the Bible. I get around this by saying I don't believe every word in the bible to be true, and I don't. It's history book mostly. However, there's some great stuff in there too. The books written by King Solomon are my favorite. He was known for worshiping more Gods than Yaweh and even building statues for them. When he talks about Wisdom which is capitalized like its a name, some say he is referring to a female goddess. Jesus role in the bible is awesome as well. It's likely been altered some to fit certain agendas but the story remains inspiring. It gives us the Golden Rule (Not that other religions hadn't before) and reminds us to care about each other. I think it's very likely Jesus traveled East and brought those teachings back with him. I believe in the duality of the divine, Jesus, and even extraterrestrial guides, my pantheon is all over the place! But, it's what I'm call d to do, I can't change that. It works for me and that's what matters.

I think one of the most non-offensive types of energy work to a typical southern Christian is Candle energy work. Candles are lit in church all the time. Another thing I do to not alarm my fiancé is I call magick "energy work" when talking to him. Same thing, but not as alarming for him. You know how it is, when you're raised to think that magick is wrong, you have to question it at first. Using different terms other than magick and not referring to myself as a witch helps keep things smooth. I don't feel this is misleading to him or a disservice to me because I don't call myself a witch anyways, and energy work is the same thing. In fact it's the term I prefer to use, however I'm not offended by the term magick because I've had time to explore its meanings and process that it is acceptable to me. However, being a witch is part of your identity, then, I don't encourage giving that up for anyone, even your husband. I only mentioned it because I know it is truly how I've kept the waters smooth on the subject thus far.

And, in the end, there are some things I just don't share with him. Things he would never believe, he would never understand, and I'm okay with that too. Heck, some of it I don't understand myself! Maybe one day his journey will bring him to a point where I can share some of my experiences and "strange" beliefs, and he can believe in them, or at least support my belief in them, but he has not evolved spiritually to that point yet. I do not think to be an successful couple we have to think just alike, or share with each other everything we think.

Anyways, this is just my experience, I hope there was something in this ramble of a post that was helpful to you in someway! I'll pray that you and your husband find a way to balance you're beliefs and come out of this hard time stronger than before! If you need someone to talk to, especially when he's being rude, message me anytime, I know what that's like.

Rosie

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Vendredi »

Mystie.Graves wrote:
Vendredi wrote:Oh, Mystie... my heart goes out to you.

A lot of your story reminds me of my first marriage. I can't offer much advice, but I will offer my support, a rather sturdy shoulder, and an ear if ever you want to talk. Feel free to PM me if you wish.
Thank you so much! It is getting hard, but I keep holding strong hoping to find my own way of helping with the problems we have. The conflict is really starting to get to me, despite my attempts to stay calm, neutral, and help & support him how I can. I have actually played with the thought of us separating, but we have a kid; I don't want that for my son, it is hard.

Sometimes I wonder if my husband would be happier without me.

I think it may be a easy excuse for him, to blame our differences, giving himself a reason behind our troubles. When the fact is, life happens. We do what we can to make up for the mess of problems, and barely manage to get by. I just wish I could do more to make this work, but being jabbed at with hurtful remarks, being the butt-end of his jokes, constantly being downed because of how I think, and the everyday insults to what I do or not do; these things build up. Cleansing and meditation helps, but is not a fix. Until the problems are resolved it will continue, I just wish I was no longer an outlet for these problems. (But I am happy that we keep everything out of sight of our son.)
Please take care of yourself. And alwaysalwaysalways remember that you don't deserve to be the scapegoat.

I completely understand wanting to keep the family together; that was what I had hoped for, too. I know it may be really difficult to pull off right now, but I urge you to seek counseling; if he will go with you all the better.

I hope you find some relief from your difficulties soon, and I hope that you and your husband can find a way to heal your relationship.

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Myrth »

I would suggest counseling if you stay with him. He sounds passive-aggressive. It sounds like he is being deliberate with his thinly veiled hostile "jokes." If you stay with him, you need to set firm boundaries about his disrespect of you. That disrespect WILL affect your child negatively, eventually. If you cannot stay with him I would suggest making a survival plan for you and your child and consulting with a lawyer.
Myrth

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Post by Mystic Phoenix »

Hello Mystie!

It is understandable for you to feel the way you do. It's okay :)

Religious beliefs (and other beliefs) sometimes causes ripples in relationships.

Relationships are interesting in that you have two different individuals constantly growing. It's the reason why relationships are dynamic!

Because there is a child involved, it is important for you two to work together for the sake of the child, while not compromising your true beliefs - it is who you are!

My advice would be to sit down with him and truly communicate.

Take turns asking each other questions and understanding each other's views/feelings:

How do you feel about my beliefs/ belief system?

What are the things you do and do not like about my beliefs?

For the sake of our child, what can we do to compromise and work this situation out?

Remember, it's okay if the relationship doesn't work out! You two are growing individuals with different views. You both can still raise a child while not being together...it is possible.

My point is, you must follow your heart and ALWAYS follow peace. Do not change who you are (as in following things you do not believe in) just to make another happy. Some compromise is okay, but are you happy?

(I'll tell you, *some* Christians are the most judgmental people I have ever met! I studied at a ministry for over 10 years, so I know all about it. I left after being in that mental bondage for so long. Sometimes people just want to believe what they want to believe...anyway...)

Be the best you, you can be, keep striving to improve you, keep learning and growing spiritually...the peace and joy of life!

Sending you love, peace, & happiness always!

Mystic Phoenix

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