My Relationship - Beginning to End

[L.J.Hex]

Damn damn damn.

As if nothing's good for me. This is so dumb! It wasn't long ago that I kept thinking that for once I will stay single and not rush anything... As if. I've been dating this girl for two weeks now and I'm staring to doubt myself. At the same time I'm having a crush on her and it also feels like its too much to soon.

This has never bothered me before like it does now. She's been at my place for two weeks almost non stop, I've lost count of the days and I feel restrained. I can't concentrate on anything and it feels as if my own peace and own time is completely gone. My social life has taken a serious hit and I notice chatting with friends like crazy every little moment I get as it feels rude to be online when I have someone visiting.

I can't keep it going on like this. Last few days haven't felt like its two weeks of dating, rather like its been two years. I have missed the good sides of dating a lot, but then there's ton of things I certainly do not miss. Like feeling socially restrained and not having my own space. If we keep it going like this, my emotions will get cold, I know it from past that it will happen. I think its already happening. We haven't even talked much in last few days and everything just feels awkward. I think she has been noticing it too as she has asked few times if I'm ok.

I wouldn't want to ruin a good start with a mad rush of being together constantly. I have been by myself most of the time for the last two years. Either single or long distance relationship and for the first time in my life I say either of those is better for me than being under the same roof all the time. I need my space and time for myself, if I don't get it, the whole thing will go down the drain.

Its so ironic, I have been dating almost non stop for years and now I'm feeling that I might not be ready for it. I need to talk with her about this. It would be fine if we didn't see so much, or stay together for shorter times. I can't even do my craft as it feels very awkward if I have someone watching me. Its still too cold and snowy to go out in the forest... And I can't concentrate on anything of my own when there's someone in the same room.

Its difficult, relationships are lovely. Its so nice to wake up next to someone, but the flip side is lack of personal freedom which totally kills me if its like this.

[firebirdflys]

Yea, sounds like she's already moved in. That is too fast.
And if the person is right, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable doing what you like to do.
Maybe she likes to draw too? What is her feelings on your path? She into witchcraft?
Anyway, you might want to bring it up...ask her to go home and slow down a little.
Aaaaaand we miss you
Bb, Firebird

[Yellow diamond light]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I wouldn't take that completely literally but it simply implies that if you each have your own space you will appreciate the time you do spend together.. but having said that true love is a different thing, when you can't be with each other every second feels like an hour, every hour feels like a week ect ect..
All depends on what your looking for in life I guess.

[L.J.Hex]

Its definitely different from the previous girlfriend I had. That for me was like madly in love like crazy. Finally I've been able to get over it mostly.

Btw, all is good, we had a serious talk about how to deal with dating for now and we agreed to not rush it and see bit less, or as often, but not that many days in one go. Its my "problem" I guess as she has my all my attention when she's here and it feels as if my own life ceases to exist. I've had this same thing before and its mostly about my personality. But all is good now. She's leaving today for work and we wont see each other for a week, I bet in few days I will miss her like crazy.

Yea, she knows about my craft, she's not into it herself, but she's clearly interested about it. Oh and I also told that mostly I need to be alone to do that stuff unless she wants to take part to it. She didn't rule it out.

Anyway, relationships are so much of a mess almost all the time, its a trade off I guess. I have difficult time adjusting for someone being around, its been few years since I had it like that.

[L.J.Hex]

Good news and bad news... Good news is I can finally hear my thoughts again and have some peace and quiet in the house.

The bad news is that this relationship I have is a big pile of problems. My girlfriend is suffering from quite serious mental illness which is making things very difficult to deal with. She has unstable personality disorder which makes her have crazy fits of extreme emotions which she cannot control. I've been pushing my limits to help her and stay sane myself and its starting to be too much to deal with.

This is also the reason why I haven't been social online or in real life at all for the last.... Umm, more than a month? She clings onto me like a feather on tar, she's very unpredictable which is putting me under ton of stress and fear of when she looses it again. She can go from feeling depressed to suicidal to angry to super happy in a blink of an eye. She has problem with jealousy, she insults me in the most hideous ways when she feels like that and then doesn't remember much of it later. She nearly left me twice during two weeks... When she calms down and comes to her senses, she knows where the problem is, but then soon after she goes into self denial again, often blames me for everything and what not.

If I tell everything, this post will end up being mile long... Anyway, I have felt socially restrained, imprisoned in invisible chains, afraid and worried for about half of the time with her. On the other hand, when she's ok, we are having a lot of fun and good times. She can be very sweet and caring person, but that can change any moment and its pushing me on the edge.

I haven't been able to do anything, not talk with friends, see anyone, I haven't done anything craft related, I haven't played drums... Nothing except cope with this insanely difficult relationship.

I think there's only one way to deal with this and that is to leave her. At least I tried to make her understand I can't see her that much. I'm so used to living alone and appreciate my own time that even with a stable person, it would feel difficult. Not to mention someone with mental health issues. I feel so sorry for her. But I don't know what to do, I can't take it forever. I'm already stretched way beyond my comfort zone. Besides, I don't think I'm strong enough to support someone with such a troubled mind. I should be the wind that rocks the boat, not the boat itself.

[SpiritTalker]

It sounds like you've made your decision. It follows to take the next logical steps within your means.

[firebirdflys]

She sounds like a bit of a vampire, draining you of your life force and energy. She might not even realize she is doing it. Is she in any kind of counseling program or on medication? It would seem like she may have had trauma in her life and doesn't have a grasp on how to manage it. Suggest she seek help, regardless if the two of you stay together, but if you are this miserable in a month imagine a year.
Good to see you by the way
Bb, Firebird

[L.J.Hex]

She sounds like a bit of a vampire, draining you of your life force and energy. She might not even realize she is doing it. Is she in any kind of counseling program or on medication? It would seem like she may have had trauma in her life and doesn't have a grasp on how to manage it. Suggest she seek help, regardless if the two of you stay together, but if you are this miserable in a month imagine a year.
Good to see you by the way
Bb, Firebird

Yep, she definitely is bit like that... I've had people like that in my life before, they don't usually mean bad or even get it that they're draining the people around them. Which would definitely be the case about her. Yea, she's on meds which usually work as far as I know, they don't remove her problem, but sort of tone down the emotional highs and lows to some extent... But if she forgets to take them, all hell breaks loose. I've told her that she should do exactly that if her problems keep getting worse.


I have sort of made my mind already. I see two options how to deal with it, she has to stay as conscious about her problems as possible, I know that ain't easy at all, mental health issues can not be wished away. One option is to see less frequently and for less amount of time in one go. This way maybe we could avoid her bad times enough to cope with it? Maybe? I think its fools hope really... The other is call it quits. Which I think in the long run is the only way to deal with it. I don't want or have to loose my on sanity for a person who has a difficult problem with her mind which I cannot cure. Perhaps nobody can?

Usually on these matters I think its possible to do quite a lot if enough effort is put in it and the root cause is found. Remove the cause, cure the disease. Although when its a problem of the mind, its anything but easy as mental side of things is as complicated as it gets.

This is a horrible thing to say, but I can't and wont let her or anyone else destroy me with their own internal struggles. I can't be the stone wall to which all the world can cry against, I'm nobody's guardian.

I'm simply not strong enough.

[L.J.Hex]

She tried to call me early this morning... I didn't hear it and kept sleeping.

She told me that she woke up to a panic attack, called for a day off work and she's now looking to get help as her problem seems to be escalating. She was told she probably needs time in a mental hospital and I agree, if she's not in control of herself at all, she might get better under supervision of some kind.

I would say that any kind of dating etc. will be on hold until she gets help to her problems. I will try to support her if I can as she's not a bad person and I care about her... But dating, I really don't know any more, I think its not a good idea unless she gets better.

[LC]

You should put yourself first, both physically and mentally. I dated a guy for almost 10 months before it went to crap. He wanted to spend every moment together even if he was just playing video games. His mom also started yelling at me because I was studying during for my bar exam instead of spending all my time with him. I couldn’t be myself and I’m the type of person who needs some alone time. Afterward, I was able to become more myself and confident.

When you make your choice, keep on the path and see where it goes. It’s hard not to doubt yourself at first but see where it leads you.

Doing self-care can work wonders also.

[L.J.Hex]

It has gone better now... I'm still on the fence about her, but she has laid back everything, we took time off seeing each other and she got into care for a while. So far, so good, but I'm still not sure about it. I will see how this goes, I've made it clear to her that no more crazy mental breakdown episodes or I'm gone as I just can't take it.

I know she just can't avoid it all, those problems can't be wished away, but if she will manage her mind well enough, I'm ok with it. But this, but that... Yea. I'm on the fence.

[L.J.Hex]

Gone to better, bad, worse and now its over...

This dating ordeal has taken all my time and energy for quite some time now. It has been a relentless roller coaster ride of good and bad and I finally finished it. I just couldn't handle the problems any more. I tried to leave her already few times, but I didn't have the heart just tell her to pack her things and go home. Until today when she finally realized herself that this can't just go on.

I'm so fed up with dating, I'm done with it. At least with too difficult women. I ain't too easy to handle either, but there's limits to what I can take. It was just too much. I don't want to go to details here as that post would be a giant wall of text.

We finally had a decent talk and I made it clear that dating is suspended until she clears her mental issues, that I can not bear her problems on my shoulders any more. I'm not strong enough for that. To be brutally honest, I really wish that these were the last tears I'll shed for her. She would be fine friend though as she can be really sweet and nice when its a good day. But the bad ones were just too much in the end.

I'm relieved and sad at the same time. She even surprised me with pancakes this morning. Last night I did some spellwork to make this easier, I prayed, oh by the gods how I prayed to make this breakup be as painless as it can be. I wish nothing bad for her, she's a sweet person behind her issues after all.

I'm relieved. I just wrote my first journal entry in months.

EDIT:
I forgot to add that I'm so sorry that I haven't had the time or means to be around here for ages. Other than being at our cottage and fishing, all my life except for the dating thing has went down the drain. It was too much too soon. Well, its autumn now and I wont have anything except time for everything. Soon its too cold even for the fish, good time for writing music, doing spells and writing my book.

[SpiritTalker]

Glad to learn you're still around. Best wishes thru recovery.

[L.J.Hex]

Glad to learn you're still around. Best wishes thru recovery.

Time heals everything.

[SnowCat]

I'm glad you're still with us.