I feel darkness in my heart. Will it ever go?

[RiaLizee]

I become a member of this site mainly because of a colleague/so-called friend of mine.
I knew this person for over a year and I considered him a friend, I fancied him but since he was married I was quite happy to be his friend only.
If you know me you would know that I am that kind of person who would rarely confess attraction, with this person I decided never to confess it at all, since I did not want to put him in an awkward situation. On top of that I had a boyfriend so, I really did not want to get involved with him because of a silly little crush.
Problem started in last year august when I noticed that he was looking at me differently. He was flirty, he found a way to touch me all the time. I decided not to acknowledge this, and noted as my imagination only.
But then I noticed he was looking at my facebook profile, too. He was saving images of me to his phone. (I got hold of his mobile once)
When we had lunchbreak together he kept putting his hands on mine, and tried hugging me numerous occasions, which I obviously did not accept and pushed him away. Whenever he became too flirty I started to talk about his wife.
Then in the end it became too much, I found myself in love with him, so I done what everyone else would do in my situation: I handed in my notice at work and decided to cut all connections with him. MY gut feeling was telling me that this is the right decision, it would hurt, but it would hurt much less then being tangled up in a love triangle, where obviously I will become the loser.
After I handed in my notice, his flirting became blatant, he flirted infront of colleagues, and he started talking about relationship issues. I still managed to push him away, telling him that he should go on to marriage counselling.
One lunchbreak he just kissed me, and confessed he is in love with me, and he will start divorce procedures if I want him.
I was so stupid, the alarm bells started ringing immediately in my head. And please believe me, I felt from the very beginning that he is lying, but I was in love with him, and I kept telling to myself that he is a friend of mine, he would never hurt me.
He made me dump my boyfriend, and he almost commited suicide over this. He did not let me go to help him, when my ex took 20 sleeping pills, I wanted to rush over, but he did not let me.
I tried breaking up with him, saying that I don't want to be the third person in the relationship, that I don't trust him, and he should have respect to his wife. But he kept begging me not to leave. He bought me stuff, like jewellery. - I never wore them, they felt wrong, I had a gut feeling about them, I felt they are fake. Later I found out they were not fake, they were his wife's. He gave me his wife's jewellery to crawl his way into my life.
I spent hours of crying in this messy situation. It totally wore me off, he came around almost every day and cried to me about how hard it is for him, and now that divorce started it's even worse. He was asking for emotional support, and asked me to tell him how I picture our lives together, once he is free.
Then one day he broke up with me, said he goes back to his wife as he is in love with her.. I found that he never planned the divorce, his wife was unaware of any problems, he cheated on her few times before, and he only came after me like that, because he thought this is his last chance to get me into his bed once I leave my workplace.
He just did not care about anything, only himself. He knew I liked him, he knew I don't want to be the other woman, he knew my boyfriend is committing suicide, he knew I left my job for him, and he still did not care, as the only thing he cared for was a few night stands.
Thanks god my ex is fine. I am only happy that he is okay.
I try to relax, but I developed some problem with alcohol, I try to find a job, and pick up the pieces but it's so hard. And now I have to live with the shame for the rest of my life that I was with a married man.
I had to hide from my mum for 2 months, because I can'[t even tell her. I am so ashamed of myself. I just want to die.

[Serenity Willow]

Hi Ria. I just want to tell you that you spoke many times of your instincts and how you didn't listen to them. You spoke about alcohol and shame. I want to tell you that it doesn't always have to be like this. Your shame, guilt and pain can be resplaced with love, joy and peace. Today can be the beginning of a new life for you if you just take some steps to get there. Have you gone to any alcohol counseling, alcoholics anonymous or treatment? If you haven't I truly urge you to do so, even if in your head you tell yourself it's not THAT bad. No one does when they first enter those rooms filled with people who have felt EXACTLY the way you feel inside. You hide and seclude because you couldn't possibly let anyone know really who you truly are. In your head, that person is so bad and so unworthy of love. No one knows me and I don't want them to know the real me because I am truly such a horrible person. But, let me tell you, someone, everyone in those rooms can related to all that you wrote here. When I read it, I completely understood why you were in the situation. It's not right of course, but no one is to judge. I mean it's not right all that this man did to you but it's also not right that you don't feel that you had enough power or faith in your decisions to walk away from this man.
You are a very special Divine Spirit that has had bad things happen to you along the way. All these bad things added up to what I call Dark Spots on your soul. They cloud your judgement, including your judgement of yourself. You are so harsh on yourself because you can't see the beautiful shining light inside your heart anymore. The first step to clarity and finding that true loving being you are is to clean up. Just for Today to stop drinking and or drugging and know that your life will get better than you could possibly imagine. The support from others who know and have been in your shoes is a key to success. Do yourself a favor and just find a meeting of AA in your area. I promise you it won't hurt you and you will hear things that will amaze you. All the rest of your story will fall into place when you learn to live one day at a time without numbing yourself with substances. You will again trust your instincts and know right from the start to end it with someone who you have bad feelings about. You will learn to trust your decisions and forgive yourself for the things you have done. You will again stand tall and look in the mirror at the beautiful person you are. I'm guessing that you can't look in the mirror, straight into your eyes and tell yourself how much you respect and love YOU. You will learn this....
Blessings to you Ria <3

[Luna Lisa]

I know that Suicide isn't the answer. And to me you have nothing to be ashamed of. Mistakes are meant to be learned from so that we can prevent making the same mistakes in the future. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. You may have seen my post in this part of the forum. If you want help there is hope. And there are people who would be willingly to lesson to you if you let them. It took several of my friends to talk me out of Suicide a few times just this past summer. When you fall get back on the saddle. When life gets you down try everything in your power to pick up the broken pieces that are left behind. Life is a jewel that is given to us by the Goddess, God or whatever and who ever you belive in. And your life is meant to be lived to do many great things in your future. I don't know at all. But look inside yourself and ask yourself what is it that you really want in life? Everyone is a speacial person and deserves to live life as much as anyone else.

[Serenity Willow]

Hi Ria
Just checking in to see how things are with you <3