Depressed.

[Luna Lisa]

I'm not sure were to post this. And i apoligize to the mods if I posted this in the wrong place. But there is such much pain inside of me that I don't know what tp dp any more. I lost three people that I cared for in just a short period of time. And I'm just really depressed all the time. I can help out people with their problems give them good advice. And yet I can't take my own advice. And I know that taking my life isn't the answer but sometimes its really tempting to try at least. I got so upset and so furious last night I ended up cutting my wrists. Sometimes I can't think but *"What's wrong with me"*, along with that i keep thinking that no one cares. Knowing that there are people who do care. I just can't help thinking that they don't. I have really good friends that I talk too. I keep everything bottled up inside and don't talk about. I got bad news last night that one of my cousins died of cancer, i lost a really good teacher last month, and back in may my new born baby cousin died of sids, and was attacked. As much as it hurts writing this with tears running face. I feel like breaking down all the time. My parents argue and argue. People calling me a slut and a whore. I feel like I'm in a darkness and there's no way out. No matter how much I try to fight back I still keep falling and falling more deeper into depression. I've even tried counciling, and anti depressants it wasn't helping all that much.. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. I'm tired of losing people that I get close too. On top of that I keep blaming myself for a lot of stuff that really isn't my fault. When I end up losing it I start cutting, and sometimes wishing and wanting to die. Having night terrors wishing that my attacker should have killed me. I've been going through a lot. And I can't keep it bottled upside anymore. As much as I want to end it all. I just can't. Its tempting but I just can't. I know I'm messed up. I can't help thinking though when is enough enough with depression? i hate feeling like this. I keep thinking everything is my fault. And keep thinking that maybe people are right that I am a whore or a slut. Ever since the attack thats what I've been called. I wish I could crawl in the darkest hole in the back of a cave and just stay there.

[Symandinome]

Although I do not know anything of your situation. I know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. All of us have felt the way you are feeling at one time or another. Life sometimes deals us some pretty horrific experiences but we cant focus on them as negative. We have to try to look for the positive in things no matter how bleek they are. At the very least the bad things are experiences that we can learn from and grow from and perhaps the reason the gods allows things to happen to us is so that we will be able to help another later on.

I myself have been raped, beaten, homeless eating out of garbage cans, addicted to drugs, and a prostitute on the streets. My family would not help me at all I had nothing and no one. I did try to commit suicide on Good Friday 2008. Luckily I did not succeed although the doctors couldn't believe I survived. I wont discuss my methods because that is irrelevent. The point is that no matter how bad it is. Its only temporary and you can survive it!!!

You were put here on this earth to do many great things. Each of us is here for a specific purpose. You are special and you are needed in this world.

When the world knocks you down you just have to get back up again. You have to fight! You are worth fighting for!

Perhaps all the things I had to go through was so that I could be able to be here today to say these words to you. Maybe my words will help you or maybe they will help someone else that is reading this. I do not know. I know that there IS light at the end of every dark tunnel and you will get to it. I promise you. Hang in there you will make it.

I myself am not a cutter but I do understand the mentality of a cutter. Your inflicting pain upon yourself to deaden or numb your emotional pain. This is not a healthy outlet for you to be using. Try to use this negative for a postive. Write, Draw, Paint, Scream, Run, Do SOMETHING but don't harm yourself. Channel this emotion into something that will benefit you.

There are many things in this life that we cannot control but this IS something you can control. YOU CAN CONTROL whether or not your hurt yourself. YOU CAN CONTROL your future.

Below is the number for the National Suicide Hotline. You can call this number day or night to just talk to one of the trained counselors. Sometimes its easier to talk to strangers then it is people you know. Hurting yourself is never the answer.

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and you are better than that.

I BELIEVE IN YOU AND I LOVE YOU!!!

USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)

[Luna Lisa]

I'm not use to opening up like that. I'm use to keep everything bottled up and pretend that everything was ok when it wasn't so that people wouldn't worry. I know that cutting is wrong but I feel like that there wasn't any other way to numb my pain.

[Symandinome]

you gotta try different things other than cutting to find a way to release the pain in a healtier way. Personally ithink painting and drawing are the best for this but thats just me. also go outside and scream and cry instead of holding it all in.

I know your not one for sharing your feelings and that you normally keep them all bottled up but you managed to share them here. So you arent as uncapbable as you think you are. When you call those hotlines they arent judging you they dont know you they dont know what you look like they are just someone there to listen to you and let you talk yourself through your feelings. Its nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. Its a wonderful resource that is avaiable to you. Make use of all resources available to you. You dont have to do this all alone.

[Luna Lisa]

Sym thank you. the hot lines did help.

[Zili]

I was given permission at my college by my therapist who talked to my professors I'm allowed to have markers, crayons, map colors and sketch books galore with me so i can use my art to describe how i'm feeling.

I was instructed to keep a sketch journal on the back of each sketch i had to write what I drew, why i did, and how i was feeling before, during, and after.

another thing that had been suggested was flashcards, I printed out pictures that i felt made me happy or i thought were pretty and glued them to index cards when having a bad time i had to flip through them till the feelings passed.

a coping bag is another good idea. in your backpack or a larger purse with your regular day-to-day items keep things in there that remind you of happier times. I carried around a teddy bear some friends gave me before my rapist skipped the hearing, a tube of dr pepper flavored lip balm, my "feel good candy" (or snack of choice) yeah my therapist suggested keeping your comfort food on hand.

[Symandinome]

Your welcome Luna. Keep that number with you and when you start feeling beat up by the world then give them a call and talk and just let your feelings out. I'm proud of you for taking the intiative to call them.

We are all here for you too and we love you.