Gay boy falls for Straight boy.......HELP!!!

Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgender discussion and questions.
Greymalkin
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Gay boy falls for Straight boy.......HELP!!!

Post by Greymalkin »

I started a mediums' development group 2 years ago and one of the students of the class was a very intellegent, witty not to mention very good looking young man.
He's quite young in age (early 20's) but incredibly mature (more mature than I am anyway).

We hit off right from the get-go. Over the past two years we have become very good friends. We never had anything go on between us because he's always insisted he's straight (I'm gay by the way).

At first that was fine with me, I didn't like him in that way anyway - so just friends suited me fine.

Over the last 6 months however, something has changed. This will sound silly but hear me out, I had a dream one night that he and I were getting married.
Since that dream we have both changed towards each other.

Basically I have fallen so in love with my friend it actually hurts. This might sound really gooky but I can even smell him when he's not around (he's not skanky or anything it's just that he has this certain smell to him).

It doesn't stop there though. If I thought he wasn't feelign things too I'd just forget it and get over it.
We've started going on -what can only be described as 'dates'- we go to the cinema, resturants, road trips, the theatre and all of these things are always HIS idea - I never suggest them.

We act very 'coupley' and all my friends ask me if we're seeing each other.

In the 2 years I've known him I have never seen him with a woman or even express an interest in a woman.

If I knew he was gay I would have made my move ages ago but I'm really scared of ruining our beautiful friendship.

I know I shouldn't fall in love with this man and I know I should have moved about 500 miles away from him already but this is really starting to affect my life.

Please give advice,...... and please be kind. :D
Travis Sanders

Post by Travis Sanders »

Tell him how u feel! Even if youre wrong it beats wondering "what if?" for the rest of your life. And if he really is that good of a friend, if he isnt gay, he still wouldnt let the faux pas ruin your bond and friendship....
Greymalkin
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Post by Greymalkin »

You know what Travis I think you're right.

All my friends have said I shouldn't tell him and keep it to myself but I really feel like I'm keeping a big dirty secret from him and I hate keeping secrets - especially from friends.

I just feel it would be so much better if everything was out in the open. I don't expect him to declare undying love for me and fall into my arms - this isn't a TLA movie - LOL!

I know I would feel so much better if the truth was out, but it would break my heart to lose his friendship.
NightRose
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Post by NightRose »

I'd say just tell him. I know you're worried about losing his friendship, but honestly? Lying to him for however long is going to strain your friendship enough. Just, approach it gently. Make it clear that if he feels nothing, you aren't going to pressure him to be with you, and you would like to continue your friendship no matter what happens.

I hope this turns out well, whichever way it goes.
sheelanagig
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Post by sheelanagig »

From reading Greymalkin's post, I don't think he has been lying to his friend, he was just evading telling him how he felt.

A good strong friendship will go through many trials and tests and survive.

newangel
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Post by WolfWitch »

Tell him but take care in how. Let him know that you have feelings for him but don't come write out and tell him that he haunts your every waking moment.(even if this is true.) It might spook the poor guy.

Think of it this way;

What if, for sake of argument, he's straight but is beginning to have doubts? What if your friendship has caused him to question his sexuality in a way he never did? What if he is beginning to have feelings for you but isn't too sure?

Think about his reaction if you announce your feelings by charging out of the gates full steam vice a slower approach.

If he's acting the way you say, this may be the case, maybe not. But if you are slow and deliberate with the words you choose, you still let him know how you feel and he won't feel under any pressure about responding. If he's straight and just likes being with his friend who happens to be gay, then the strain you may have placed on the relationship is minimal and easily fixed. If, however, he's questioning himself and his feelings towards you, you have let him know that you have feelings for him as well but have left the ball in his court as to if he wants to proceed. It gives him the option and he won't feel trapped. It also shows that you respect him as a person.

It's a little like working with a skittish horse. You have to establish that you are no threat, show him that he can trust you but leave him the option of deciding if he will or won't.

A lot of patience is going to be involved.

I hope all works out for the best for you. From a Bi who can do nothing with this particular part of his life right now, I wish you the best dear brother.

Blessed Be.

WW.
The greatest advice I was ever given: It matters not what you believe. Only that you believe it wholeheartedly.
Greymalkin
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Post by Greymalkin »

Thankyou WolfWitch.

Your words really touched me and I can see the sense in what you say.

Thank you again friend

x
WolfWitch
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Post by WolfWitch »

GreyMalkin, You are quite welcome. I read your story and it hit a few cords. I just spoke from what I read into the situation given the data. I wish all the best.

I'm always one for the easy, gentle handed approach to matters of the heart. Look on this list and you will see my "coming out" story. It explains why.

Best wishes and may Vervandi watch over you.

WW.
The greatest advice I was ever given: It matters not what you believe. Only that you believe it wholeheartedly.
Shutter

Post by Shutter »

Rule number one of most gay males;

1) Don't woo the straight guys


Rule #2 (equally important)

2) Bi guys are just for play, they will never "love" you.



Good luck sir. I hope you can move past this pain and be stronger for it.

Be well.
Greymalkin
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Post by Greymalkin »

As much as I hate to admit it Shutter, I think you have a point.
WolfWitch
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Post by WolfWitch »

That may be your experience shutter but I know as far as I am concerned, when I give my heart, it's always forever. I don't "play". If I'm in for fun, it's known from the start. If I get in serious, that too, is known from the gates.

Not all Bi's are toys!
The greatest advice I was ever given: It matters not what you believe. Only that you believe it wholeheartedly.
Greymalkin
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Post by Greymalkin »

As always I can only speak from experience and every Bi man I have ever 'fooled around with' treats gay sex as nothing more than a past time.

Bisexual men rarely see same-sex love as a life option. They always see the ultimate goal as "settling down with a nice girl" - it's never with a "nice boy".

This reminds me of the quote from that fantastic movie 'Torch Song Trilogy'-

"Just once I would like to meet a bisexual who lives with his boyfriend and sneaks out to meet his girlfriend*".








* - or words to that effect.
WolfWitch
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Post by WolfWitch »

Going to have to look that movie up.

As for myself, I don't see it as a "past time" or a "nice diversion". I see it as another facet of myself (One, I sadly cannot explore to any real depth right now but that is due to RL concerns not my inner beliefs.)

If i just wanted the act, that's easy. you can have that anywhere with damn near anyone at anytime you choose.

For me, because I've been kicked around a lot over thirty six years, I'm more guarded. If I like someone enough to get into a relationship, I'm going to give everything I have to that relationship.

I'm lucky in that my wife understands me and how I am emotionally enough that she has accepted that eventually, there may be a "boyfriend" in the picture and that, if things click as they did with her, it will become permanent. She is okay with it because she knows that she is already in my heart and no one will remover her. She just had to accept that there can be room for another and it won't be a girl.

I messed up once. I denied what I was feeling and not a day goes by that I don't regret it. I had a chance to be myself in a good environment with a couple of guys who would have helped me understand a lot of things that I have had to figure out on my own or, in fact, still don't fully understand. I had a chance at one of the most loving and caring guys I've ever seen and I honestly think he and I could have forged something strong. But I let that slip away out of fear of ridicule. I pray to Vervandi quit often that, should she deem it, that I could get a second shot at him, that I could erase the mistake I made with my inaction. I know though, that it'll most likely never happen.

I've met the Bi's you speak of and sadly, there are a quantity of them. But there are those of us who aren't. there are guys like me who simply have realized that their heart will go where and accept it as part of who they are.

There are a few of us who aren't playing at being gay. We just find our comfort from people we connect with, gender be damned.

I pray, as before, that all that you are going through works out for the best. Personally, I hope he is questioning himself a little more and that he chooses you to help him open up. You sound like a good couple.

You sound like what I'd like to have been.

Blessed Be.

WW.
The greatest advice I was ever given: It matters not what you believe. Only that you believe it wholeheartedly.
Greymalkin
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Post by Greymalkin »

It sounds like you have a great wife there WW. Cherish her.

This young man has been thrown into my life and I into his for a reason - we both need to find the reason why.
I must admit, it is becoming increasngly difficult. Along with all the nice stuff we do together there are a lot negative things too.

The fact that I'm 37 and he's 24 doesn't help. Age-gap relationships are always a strain by the mere fact that a lot of things that are a 'big deal' to him always seem to receive a "been there, done that" look from me.

I want to be there for him. He doesn't have a brilliant relationship with his family and since meetng me for some reason he seems to have shut out all his friends his own age. I haven't knowingly encouraged him to lose his friends but he just feels he doesn't have anything in common with them anymore.

We just had a big argument this morning over something stupid and I feel awful. When I lose my temper I have a tendancy to say things I really don't mean and I said plenty this morning. I've really upset him today and I hate myself at the moment, but I'm too stubborn to say sorry - it's one of my flaws.

This situation is so difficult and there's a huge part of me that just wants him to get the hell out my life so I can get back to 'normal'. But there's a bigger part of me that loves him too much to do that.

By the way, definately do check out 'Torch Song Trilogy', it is one of the best films you will ever see.
Shutter

Post by Shutter »

I just speak from some experience, my perfect man happens to fit the bill of most Bi guys. I've been burned more then a few times by them.

You seem to be a smart person, and pain teaches us great lessions. I know you'll do right by yourself. Just...

...steer clear of the straight ones ;)

...those always hurt.
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