Verge of madness, or what?

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ikaba
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Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

It's difficult being in this kind of situation. And I fear going mentally insane probably because I am surrounded by skeptics and am one myself. Yet I cannot deny the things I feel, have heard and seen. It started out slow. Being sensitive to energies as most pre-psychic-ish teenagers get. I'd almost blackout in church. And then came the identifying of more intelligent forces of energy as in spirits and 'ghosts'. And suddenly it all went really fast and I plunged into the most agonizing period of my life, so called 'the dark night of the soul'. I survived though, but I was in there for nearly a whole year and I think I'm finally coming out of it.

Now having my spirit guide (and company) sitting with me for a cup of tea just plain normal.. Or is it? D:

I guess it's normal human behavior wanting things to make sense. Or wanting to presume something in the fair odds of being seen 'special' or 'unique'. But none of this seems to add up. A part of me is like 'f*ck this shit, I just want a normal life!' and then there's the 'Ooh, new spirit friend, what's up?'. I guess this is also a part of the dark night of the soul. Being stuck between worlds.

I just feel like getting drunk and emitting myself into an insane asylum to be probed and poked at as I would be increasingly more OK with it if I knew what the hell it was.

Lost_Demise
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Lost_Demise »

Getting emitted to an insane asylum wouldn't tell you what it was. Life may not seem normal at this time but there are many people out there that when things started to open to them they thought themselves to be mad and yearned for a normal life. What is really normal though? Normality is only an ideal. It's alright to see what you see and experience what you do. I'm sure there are many people here that would be willing and able to help you figure out what you ask for help or advice with. If sitting with your spirit guide and company for tea feels normal to you, then why not let it be normal? Just remember people of the flesh and life of the flesh is important as well. Don't forget these things in your conversing with spirits.

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

Yeah. It would be great so have someone human to tell me how to go about this thing and to learn to live with it. Unfortunately in the small community I live in it's hard to find someone with this kind of knowledge. And I have also tried emailing some psychics around in the country and they just tell me to go to a class which costs money I do not have. Also, paying good money for this kind of thing seems odd and makes me question the people holding the class. I could understand if they needed money for the locale and so but the prices they're up in..

And yeah, thankfully I'm still very into physical socializing with my flesh and bone friends : )

Lost_Demise
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Lost_Demise »

That's good, I've seen too many get too far in to the spirits and forget about the flesh. Many of them end up with pile after pile of problems in real life until it all falls down. That's what happens when you ignore life though.

One thing that helps learning to live with it is simply first having people to talk to about it. Ones that you can tell things to and they will not look at you like you have gone mad. Then again that's helpful to anyone no matter what kind of person or life they where or have.

Ya, finding help without knowing where to look can be hard. There are many places people can find it for free, though I never found them very helpful. Most of them are basically as such that if you do not believe what they do or think outside their box instead of calling you different they call you crazy. Kind of disheartening to think about..

Anyway if you want you could PM me and if you talk to me in more detail I may be able to help you cope. Don't worry- I don't charge XD Sorry, bad joke~

Traumwandlerin
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Traumwandlerin »

You are definately not alone with this :)

Do you want to describe more about your experience? Everyone makes their own experiences but some are similiar. It's easier for you to find people you relate to, if you write more abot what's going on in your life.

I've also been through a dark time and now I'm talking to my guides on a regular basis. I know can see that I was ill before and healed myself with the help of my guides. You sound as if you are still in some healing/finding-process. This is alway a difficult and hard time.

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

The reason I even wrote about this on the forum was because I unfortunately don't know where else to go. I've told some people, of course it's not something I introduce along with myself but am selective to whom I share this with.

But if I may, without boring anyone to death now (and continuing to bore your spirit into reincarnation), I could write a bit about my experiences. Briefly though.

I have always believed in a higher power even though my family was never religious and had a pretty calm and harmonious relationship with God and nature. Never saw God as a punisher or judgemental figure. But more like this vibe, this energy, flowing in all and everything. And this belief along with an insane curiosity to the paranormal first took me to research the hell out of it. And to be honest, I always envied those who could 'see' dead people. I think the greatest obstacle in the way of my connection to the unknown realm was probably self-denial and over-idealization. According to movies and writings these encounters with the other world seemed full of sparkles, lights and rainbows or something. So when I wanted to meet my guide for example I thought it would be like this massive light and shit. So I didn't realize it was that voice that had been in my heart since forever that was my true guide. Once I accepted that she became more and more tangible somehow.

The whole spirit thing didn't become as nuanced and detailed until 2 years ago. Until then it was more like energies, unidentifiable. And all of a sudden I could sense a gender, a mood and even words. Later on I saw more of a face and possible clothing and started to differentiate between a passed human, something more angelic and these strange things which I still don't know what they are but can be highly annoying and may draw energy from both sides, attracting more spiritual activity. The funny bit was that I had once again thought of the experience to be something hyped. I actually thought of SEEING and HEARING stuff, sure, that can come too, but it starts in the minds eye and well; the minds ear.

That's when I got super depressed. Super super depressed. I thought God had left me, or that I had done wrong and left God. And along with it went my joy, my life force somehow. It was a miserable time. I'm way better now but still working with the aftermath of the whole ordeal. I understand that I am standing in front of a big door allowing me to enter a wonderful world but I am so hesitant. I'm scared because I feel I'd lose control. My ego is still holding the best of me. Yet I know in my heart that this is my path.

I just wanna know that I am not slipping into insanity, I guess..

Lost_Demise
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Lost_Demise »

I would have to say, movies I don't consider reliable when talking about that place. It's not a super special magical place, or a safe place. Though it sounds like as you have been experiencing things your skills have grown progressively and that's why they are getting more and more defined. It's like riding a bike, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

You thought God had left you? Well, some do believe in god, some don't, but if you do believe in god then I think to say why do you think he left you? If there is an all mighty that looks and is within everything then he or she would never leave you. Though the fear is there, why would they abandon you?

Only you can help yourself with self denial, though I think since you know so few people around you that believe in such things talking to people on this forum might help that too. It tends to get easier to believe yourself and your eyes when you hear about people going through the same sort of things.

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

The thing with God is not easy to explain. I understand now that God never did leave me or forsake me. It did feel for a while though that I had turned my back on God as I could no longer feel the joy of the divine creation. It was a matter of finding redemption somehow, in me first and foremost. It's kind of hard to explain since the relationship I have with God isn't quite bible strict nor mainstream Christian. Yet I've felt the calling to God and have felt several times very drawn into priesthood. Like it was the main goal of my life, which is sort of funny because I don't fit into that picture of a God's person at all :p

I think what I went through, as I mentioned, was a passage. It was a stripping of the soul to the very core, questioning my own self, reality and even God. And it wasn't just being mashed to pieces, torn apart, as a person, but prior to that I had lost everything I owned in a fire (which I did get warned about the day before by two pigeons and my cat... yay!). So basically I was zeroed. A system upgrade with obligatory reboot, I guess. I didn't know what the f*ck was going on while it was happening and I've been trying to figure out what the hell happened and why. And well, this is my current theory.

reikihealer83
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by reikihealer83 »

ikaba,

You are not alone here at all. I went through the same exact thing when my gifts started to manifest themselves. I was about 15 when it started and I literally thought I was loosing my mind. Here is the important thing to remember, you are the best judge of your own expereinces. Trust them and know that you are feeling what you are feeling.

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

http://www.namastecafe.com/edu/symptoms.htm

Holy shit. I am such a hypochondriac! Well, ok maybe not. But I did find a list of symptoms once faces during a spiritual awakening. A whole 52 of them and during this past year, especially the last 3-6 months, I can remember clearly and consciously wondering, recognizing, getting freaked out by a whole of 50 of these symptoms! Jesus, man.. It's like somebody knew. And seemingly I am not alone after all, after being handed a list of such details, I am having a harder time disagreeing. Of course I still wonder how many of these symptoms would fit into the average person who isn't really in some spiritual transformation or so and then I wonder if this info is legit and where exactly it comes from.

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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by )O( Krystal Raven )O( »

I am delighted to see evidence that the vibrational elevation of our collective consciousness is affecting even skeptical kids! The energetic of mankind is accelerating! Hang on for crazy ride and keep your mind open!! Don't worry about written words. I know as a logical person you wish to cling desperately to them, but seriously. Close your eyes and follow your heart for a change!!!
)O( May the Cosmica known unto us by millions of names bless you with the ecstasy of Her Bliss. Namaste. )O(

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

Whoop de doo. It's harder than you think. But I am comforting myself with Einsteins theories and quantum physics. If I were any better with numbers, I know what I'd be doing with my life, I would totally be one badass physician and my awesome sidekicks would be Dr. Michio Kaku and Stephen Hawking!

Anyway, enough daydreaming of such epic things. And I am a skeptic and a rationalist. Which is probably why I'm wigging out at times since I can't seem to 'control' this period I'm going through. But control along with so many other things are just illusions. I think the last step on the program is to let myself re-unite with my God again. With God I have no fear. Problem is that I'm sort of out of touch with my feminine side. Actually, when reading about feminine qualities I'm thinking 'gag me'. So, that may be a problem.. considering I am 100% female.

I just don't want to be submissive and just gentle and sweet and so on. Maybe I'm just prejudice against my own sex. Maybe I am unhappy with the way I am conducting myself as a woman. Denying female energy. But, c'mon, there must be a kind of female energy which is more out there and radiant and loud and strong.

Traumwandlerin
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Traumwandlerin »

There is :)

I'm female, I'm dominant, I've studied physics, but still I'm very in touch with my femine side. It's not about being gentle and submissive and sweet and so in. It's about creating, it's about life and death, it's about cycles. The feminine energy is quite powerful, but I guess the male is too, but I don't know about it ^^

I want to encourage you to get in touch with your feminine power, not what you were nurtured to be. But I always thought they are quite forward in Sweden? Those countries up there always inspired me with there equality in gender. I thought they wouldn't force such a picture of women on you. Maybe you watched too much US-shows? ;)

I also want you to encourage to dip more into physics. Hell, it's all about maths, but you have years to learn that and than you can do all the fun stuff :)

ikaba
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by ikaba »

Yeah, I guess Sweden is all about equality. But I am from the northern parts of Sweden and we're a little old fashioned I guess. Or I was just unlucky to get such a ridiculously old fashioned father. I've early on been led to think that women are simple minded somehow and their qualities no matter how good those would be for the world are just signs of weakness. And having been through 5 failed relationships I guess I felt that I could no longer 'afford' being feminine and sensitive.

It's just a long weird psychological and faulty road. Father complex and self esteem issues. I understand that the idea is for me to finally get through this somehow but as of this moment I even feel anxious wearing a skirt in public (I know.. being feminine is not just about wearing skirts, but this is just a real example). And I totally wigged out the other day when one of the guys proclaimed that women don't understand engines and cars, even though I know it's a bunch of bullshit. Also, I have difficulties coming to terms with emotions and can have cry-less periods way too long, even if I really feel like crying that is.

Theoretically I understand the problem at work here. And theoretically I understand I would infinitely benefit of balance between the two counter parts: the masculine and the feminine. But practically I am not sure of how to make this happen.

Lost_Demise
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Re: Verge of madness, or what?

Post by Lost_Demise »

I may not be a woman but I do know feminine qualities that hasn't been listed here yet. Protectiveness and strength and durability. Have you ever seen someone last longer or get more frightening or strong then a mother protecting their children?

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