The sign of Hells Wynter

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I write from my heart, no matter how lonely, shattered, angered or delighted it may be, by spirit and soul rules me. I will maintain this blog every free internet moment I get. Who knows, maybe my life story isn’t much different from any of yours?

“But oh,
No tears please,
Fear and pain may accompany death,
But it IS desire,
That shepards uncertainty as we,
……shall…..see.” -COF[/size]

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

When is it enough. the boy dragged me around so cruelly. he used me, lied to me, and cheated on me, then he left me. now that i have moved on, he is ANGERED! why! Why! WHY!!! haven't i suffered enough. i have chosen a new lover, so the time of his walloing in his his own misery is OVER! but........ i can't help but feel loss. loss that his love had left me with. I spent so much time with him, we did everything together, now he is not there? What am i to do? Is fate so cruel as to deny me te very reason for my otherwise worthless exhistance. Thats to much. I love him dearly. and I know he loves me, I know he still hurts for me, but if he is in that much pain, why doesn't he TRY to make things better like they were. damned my mortal emotions. damned my immortal love.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

My mind races to and fro daily. And nightly. As the sun sets and mother moon rises, my thoughts are on something I will never again acquire: him. Blessed is the one known as Robert who helps me through it, but pray tell me, must this pain be eternal? Was there ever a time when man and woman were not supposed or did not feel so strongly about one another? He is in my thoughts. He is in my dreams. He is in my songs. It is a wonder that he does not make it into my spells, how in the world do I pull that one off. How can a witch focus her entire being into her workings to try and better herself and her environment if she has a tormenting memory on her mind. This fallen angel that daunts my aching heart shows no mercy to the woman who loves him. Why, just earlier today, I reached out and gently patted his hair.“Don’t touch me, witch.”He calmly said. Is it because I AM a witch he does not love me? If it is so, then so be it, for the wynter witch offers up her sacred beliefs to NO ONE! They are mine. And I thrive in them. With or without him. My yin yang is unbalances, not even the most powerful crystal healers are able to help me. I am torn between the beleife of balance of myself and the natural teaching that we must harmonize with ourselves, but, isn’t it also natural to have a heartbreak and to relentlessly thrive on it. It IS natural to hurt and be hurt. But it is not balance. So if I am out of balance by being in severe emotional pain, does that mean I am doing something wrong?

There is my despaired rant of the day. I swear to you all. I swear on my lovers eyes, that am doing my hardest to smile, to be happy and giving as I should be. I am trying to be merry. I truly am. But he is eternally in my mind, and he is eternally in my thoughts…..it does interfere with my life. I mess up spells, recipes, everything! Ack!

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

yet as more time passes me, the moon keeps rising and blessing me, and she sets again. again. and again. but i feel it not. i am scared that my heart is too wounded to carry on. But i will never let myself go. I will NEVER sacrifice this life again. The sun sets each evening on my very own personal horizon. and it sets without me. whether i want it to or not. just like he breathes, feels, laughs and loves without me by his side. my body is aching and sore. my mind just wishes to expire, and i yearn for my reaping. but i have sowed nothing but love in him, so does that mean my crop failed? did those damned little buzzy flittering bugs eat up my crop befire i could reap it? i know he is trying to toy with me. and i know that he knows what he's TRYING to do. he is planning, plotting, and conniving. He wants me to fall into his little plot and play the role as the heart brokn soul. I AM the heart broken soul. BUT, i will die before i let him see it. I wil NEVER again show him my weakness. I owe him nothing. I was never even in his debt. if anything, he owes me EVERYTHING. but i want nothing from him just to get up, and go. And go he intends to. The very first time i broke up with him first (we got back together), i told him:

"Until you do right by me, and repents and atone, everything you love, cherish and ever hoped for, WILL crumble right before your unworthy eyes."

And look, his mother is deathly sick because she smoked like a chimney with a raging lust for cancer. his fathers health is poor. his family is utterly BROKE! more BROKE than my heart. they must leave their house and leave this town. the only town he ever knew as a child. he must leave the very house he loves with his heart. and to go on top, his DAMNED DOG keeps getting torn up. his grandma does not remember him at all!

So, i think i have left my mark. A year ago, the kids at the highschool in my town made up a nursery rhyme for me:

Beware the hate of the Wynter witch,
she'll make you suffer, bleed and itch.
If you ever arouse her fury,
then you have every riht to worry.
But fear not she means no harm.
with this knowledge, dont alarm.

lovely.........

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I still live. I was so close to collapsing. So close to emotionally caving in and letting myself go to where the rivers of time may take me. But then HE came. A slender male about 16 or 17 of age. He came to me. He told me that Malaki Lovelace (my ex boyfriend who shot himself) sent him to come to me. I told him that was impossible; Malaki's been dead for over 2 years. He said Malaki dispatched him over 4 years ago. Apparently they had been best friends and Malaki had requested that of anything had ever happened to him, that his friend would watch me and help me in my time of need. The boy told me his name was Alyce, and he was my flesh and blood guardian angel. They guy stood on my porch for some time before I allowed him inside. He showed me pictures of him and Malaki growing up.

I guess this means that I’m not alone anymore. His coming to me, reaching through the darkness to catch me means that I now have help. I asked Alyce what should I do, he said to pray to the Mother Goddess that I so cherished with my entire being. He said as witches, he and I could both help to heal me. I think I finally found my placing again…..

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I have no doubt in my mind that Alyce was indeed sent by my beloved Malaki himself. This morning, we set up my altar again and laid out all of my tools. I watched him in silence, I didn't understand what he wanted to do, nor did I understand why I was allowing him to handle my sacred tools and altar, something I NEVER allowed. Some of my most trusted friends and brethren of the craft have never ben permitted to handle my things. But here was a near stranger just doing so, and I felt a strange sort of peace, I had no urge to tell him no or to put my precious things down. I felt ok with it, So I allowed him to lay out my items and then he stepped back, watching me. I understood then what I was to do. I cast my circle about him and I, and he cleaned and concentrated. Then we prayed. we prayed for a long long time, but when it was through, and the circle was lifted, I felt a strange peaceful contentment that had settled into my heart. And i loved it. I felt like there WAS someone there other than Alyce. And thats what he had wanted to show me. He wanted to show my that I was never alone, even when i WAS alone. It was so amazing. He left saying he would come back another time, and now, I eagerly await the return of my new brother/friend/partner.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

now i wait. I wait and bide my time as many lips are moving and speaking farce. the one who once held me gently and called me his everything seems to have formed a vengeance with a lust for attention. but this time, he claims to have been using magick against me! he claims to be a buddhist, even though he knows practically nothing of it, and he DOES have the mental focus and drive to ATTEMPT witchcraft. People are always saying, "Oh, if you don't believe in witchcraft, it can't hurt you." Well here's a news flash for you non-believers, "I DO BELIEVE! IT CAN HURT ME!" lovely, ne? I have already performed the essentials to protect myself, but i can't help but ask myself: "how far will he push it?" apparently, he is not only using magick, but he is also spreading absurd rumors of me. now that is all fine and dandy except he has decided to drag in my new lover, who goes by the name of Tynamy, and my dear new friend Alyce.
I'm not too sure how he found out of Alyce, but its very possible that loose lips are already beginning to sink ships, cuz Alyce-sama is pissed. And I wouldn't cross Alyce for anything. :!: :!: :!:

FYI....i am not evil.....nor am i dark.....so why is everyone afraid of the fact that im a witch? i just went to the super market today to buy some groceries, and everyone acted as though I am the plague, but this too, could just be an effect of my ex-lover's crap talking......

Pray for me, Gaia, grant me strength and don't let me crumble. I pray of you.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

alas....damnit..... now everyone is telling me of what is being said. Screw it! im very excited, i am to go to a pilgrimage to europe! yayness! and even better, my dear friend Alyce is to come too! im so happy! thirteen of us in all are to go. we will fly to Athens, then we travel to the countryside and find a small shrine! then we go on some sorta vision quest thingy....but we gotta go one at a time. So while the other twelve stay at the shrine and pray for a sucess, the thirteenth person goes out into the wilderness until they obtain their quest! AMAZING!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I see the errors in my ways. I chose to be with another person, when I don’t even love them, or LIKE them…..truth is, he utterly disgusts me. I still dream of the one who broke me and shattered me. And I still think tenderly and fondly of him. I know this is a fault, but I cannot help it, I know it was chosen by the Mother before I even laid eyes on him. I even wrote a song about him for my covens band Necronymph…..ok, I’ve written countless songs, and I’ve performed them all with the grace in my heart that someday, he and I will be united again. Word has flown back to me that his attitude is one of fear, he is afraid I will use the craft against him…..sad. I dream about my lost lover. And I think about him day and night. Perhaps I am just still feeling the after effect of our break up, but perhaps my heart is telling me to be rid of this….other guy. I have to wait for him. I gotta keep waiting for my Atomsk.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

The days keep getting shorter. And each new silver moon brings about more and more conflict. And now I realize where most of the problem is. I was reading through a few spell books, and I came across the line ‘to be successful and happy, you must love and accept yourself as you are, and you must remember that you are sacred.’ Hn. NO WONDER! I thought to myself, ‘ha. Just to love yourself, I can do that, yup, no problem….’ But I laid in bed for the longest time and thought about it and I couldn’t come to terms with it. No matter what I thought of, I just could not get my head around it. I am not too sure if it’s maybe because I don’t know who I am? Or if it’s because I spent so much time loving someone else, I forgot what it was like to love myself, or if it’s simply because my heart was broken, and I can’t love anymore, not even myself. I pray whatever ails me passes, because I don’t remember ever being like this before….

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I went to the store with Alyce yesterday to buy some ingredients for my sister to bake those super cute little gingerbread thingies with the frosted clothes and the wee little pieces of candy on them and I found something a little more. I saw a little girl come up to her mother with an Ouija board. “Wow, I’ve never seen an Ouija board at Wally World….” Alyce whispered close to my ear as not to be overheard by other shoppers close by. The girls mother scolded her daughter and made her go put it back where she found it. Alyce and I watched as the girl walked away disgruntled. “The kid looks about 12,” Alyce noted, “Why would a kid want that? What’s more, why would a parent say no to that?” I did not take my eyes off the bag of mints I was holding, because I knew Alyce had come from a Pagan family where his beliefs were not only tolerated, they were expected, but not necessarily forced. How could I explain to him that there WERE people in the world who did not tolerate people who society felt were ‘different’? He knew the history of my family and Paganism, but, he didn’t see it very commonly. If he were to take something like a Ouija board home, his family wouldn’t mind, hell, they’d probably want to try it out! To be open about his spirituality is no problem for him, and witchcraft comes as naturally as breathing does. He accepts new things that have to do with it in a stride, that’s how I know he got along with Malaki so well, because he too, possessed that natural grip of certain things that made him….well…him.
The little girl came back again, but this time, in her hands was a game dealing with building a contraption and catching small rubber mice with a small falling blue basket. It looked more like a board game that would be acceptable, and sure enough, her mother smiled and put it in the shopping cart and headed out of the candy aisle. Alyce and I only looked at each other. We were both silent for a long time, and I felt his eyes burning into mine with a question that would eventually need an answer.
“You’re a martyr.” He said :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: (no, that's not anything to worry about, ne?). “I know what you want to do; you want to change the world’s outlook on things, don’t you?” Again, I said nothing, because I wasn’t too sure if this was right or wrong. Much to my discomfort, he pressed again. “You want to change everything because you think it’s unfair. Just because you and your religion got kicked around a few times, you think they’re all like that? Damn you got A LOT to learn, Wynter….Trust me, just because they aren’t a pagan, that does not mean that they are all against you, I promise.” I said nothing once more. What was there to say? Was I supposed to tell him: “no, you’re wrong.” . truth is, he’s right. I thought about all the way home and I thought about all as my sister, me, and Alyce spent the day together making gingerbread men. He was right. I am trying to prove something. When I shouldn’t. And I do thing that everyone is against us. When they’re not. I’ve set myself up for a lot of misery. And a lot of hurt feelings… Perhaps that’s why many things don’t click into place…I have to change my mentality. This isn’t right, Alyce even knows it and I haven’t even known him that long! So then it’s settled, I need to go out and get a healthier outlook on things and people. Yup yup!

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I am alone now, Alyce has gone away for a few days, and I left my.......boyfirend. I desire my Atomsk back. even though all he did was hurt me. and i hurt him. but we were just too blind to see it. no amount of magick can correct this, and i would never resort to a love spell. perhaps a spell to show him the errors in his ways, as i have seen my errors, but even that is something that would take away so much of me. I am a witch. and as a witch, I must find ways to improve myself and my life so that I am always genuinely happy. I am cursing myself. With all of my misery and woe, I have unleashed a curse on myself and set myself up for so much pain. my heart aches for him. today, i aske him a question. I simply asked him: "daron, are you still planning on moving from here?" (his family was planning on selling their house cuz they cant afford ANYthing anymore...) he looked up at me through his soft brown tresses that hung so deliciously elegant into his fair, doe eyes, and he responded icily: "what does it matter to you?" what in the blue night did I EVER do to him....i watched as he walked away from me, turning his back to me. and I sat down on a bench below a tree nearby in defeat. I felt a strange peace within me, and i realized, he is FAR from over me.....he still loves me. even his sister told me that. he is miserable. just as i am. then upon coming to this revelation, i realized that he was indeed utterly miserable. because of me! i have to stop this. i dont care if i must cast a happiness spell on him. he deserves to be happy. whereas, I do not.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

there is love everywhere around me... why, even my dearest Alyce has fallen for my friend Diana, who i care for deeply and I am currently helping her discover the ways of Wicca. Alyce even told me, that if me, seeing him wth somebody while I was so lonesome hurt me in anyway, he would not even consider it. but i urge him to Diana. and urge her to him. love is a beautiful thing. but i have destroyed it as well as create it. i pray that they find happiness in eachother. and as a priestess, i give them my blessings. I pray they find company and compassion, but most of all happiness. for that is what life is made of. And i for some reason, cannot find it. so i conduct my rituals with my witching brethren stoney faced. I pray for them, but I pray for myself too. Mother Gaia help me. and them.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

i knew this moment would come.....why can't i just get over him and begin my life again??? why does he have to plague and haunt me to no end! just his gentle presence is enough......argh....well, on a brighter note, i just made these really yummy crescent cakes! i got the recipe from here! they were so delicious! i still have some! here! I'll share! *holds one out* i wish i could share.....they are so yummy! you've gotta try the recipe!!! its under the kitchen stuff and its under the title: Crescent Cakes. YUM!

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

well, i have made a desicion that will now dictate trhe rest of my life. I joined the united states army as a wiccan.