The sign of Hells Wynter

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

So if my life is like wine, then Daron and Devine are the poison. My throat tightens up and I suffocate every time I take a good hearty sip of said wine, which would be because there is poison in it. Devine is the small wretched town that I unfortunately spent a good deal of my life in. I am leaving today to go on a little trip. My recruiter, Sergeant T, is taking me to Ft. Sam Houston to go officially sign and swear myself into the Army. They recognize Wicca in there as a religion and they even hold services for them too. What’s more, there are PEOPLE in there. Not like the snot rags you find in Devine. No, actual flesh and blood people that actually CARE. And people that actually FEEL. DAMNIT.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I was told something quite interesting today. Some one told me, the weak always lose, but the strong win. But pray tell me, how do you know whose weak and whose strong? Because that is a very judgemental thing to point at. And now, I walk alone. I have literally burnt the few remaining bridges that connected me to my parents. And all because i am different. no, maybe no. my dear Alyce said the reason why my mom and I butt heads so often is because we're so much alike. My mother can be a very hateful person. I know this because I am just like her as much as I hate to admit. I'm not sure if I should be disgusted or delighted. Maybe disgusted because I cant stand her, and i am just like that of which I cannot tolerate. delighted because she is very good at what she does, whatever that may be, and if i can do that too, then with my schooling, and that....whatever it is she has, i can be unstoppable in all of my endeavors.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

Never have I thought that I would question myself. But I did, maybe I still do. I had an interesting conversation with my parents. Pretty much, they told me there was no goddess, and that all witchcraft and their so called deities were ‘bull shit’. I laughed and asked if their ‘god’ was so much better, why is it I was able to turn away. And why, oh WHY doesn’t this ‘god’ smite me from his ‘throne of heaven’. If this god was so almighty, why is it that I, and every witch can still breathe and walk amongst freely. There have been cases of fraudulent witches, but the true witch doesn’t need to be publicized. No, the true witch must keep her/himself aligned with themselves, and they must always remember that the Mother Goddess is always with them, even if her names is scorned and laughed upon. But, somehow, their word did inflict a wound on me. What if? That is the question I keep asking. My mom told me that at least her prayers were being heard, does this mean the Mother Goddess doesn’t hear my prayers, or doesn’t exist? No, even is she was fake to the world, she is more real than flesh and blood to me. I need no one. I only need my Mother Goddess to be happy. I do not fear death. I only fear the loss of the Mother in my life. And the environment I am in, I risk the loss of her every day. Let no one remove her and her love from my heart. But I am afraid I may be being pushed somewhere I do not belong. Hate is a very strong word. And hate drives us all to do bad, dark, and sinister things and have evil thoughts. I do hate. And I am full of it. May the Mother help me.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

ok, i might get flamed for this, but i would like to THANK SILVER RAVENWOLF FOR EVERYTHING! i very muich appreciate it.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

People tend to wonder wh yI am the way I am....Well, for those of you who find my writings to be interesting, Ill happily tell you. I am the way I am becasue of my parents and those around me. there. you got it. Now, I know I probably sound like the common person, blaming their parents for all ofthe unpleasantries they posess about them, but tell me, do you all think that if maybe.....JUST maybe......if my parents and everyone else around me backed off for a while and quit trying to change:

1) me
2) my beliefs
3) my image
4) my perception of others
5) my values
6) my friends
7) how i feel in my heart
8) who my heart feels for
8) things I enjoy altogether.

that I might just be a little less tense and less likely to do something.....rach or stupid that I will later regret. maybe, just maybe.

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

To the one I would rather forget,


Been a while, huh? My heart is especially heavy today. Just the sight of you can do that. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I see you catching glimpses of me, which only makes me wonder even more….. I wish you would at least talk to me. I know you want to. Or at least a part of you wants to. I know you may never read this, but I pray you do. I only write this letter as a comfort to myself. Because in the end, all we have is ourselves. But there are some things you need to know, or at least, I would like you to know…. First off, you need to know that I never blamed you for anything. Just your own mistake which I cause you to so cruelly blame yourself for your mistake with her. But I was the one who was able to toy with your precious thoughts and make you see that your mistakes were indeed mistakes. I made a mistake too. It was being with you. No, not being with you, how I treated you while we were together. How naïve I was… I didn’t realize to what extent you had become my world. I never really thought of it until you were gone. And I am not exaggerating when I say this, 60% of the time, when you thought you hurt me, I felt no pain. I just thought it was ‘cool’ to have someone wrapped so tightly about your finger. And now, that your gone, it’s not my finger that’s bare, it’s my everything. Nothing really matters much. I only go through the motions. The bare necessity to live, I guess. I don’t even have run of my life any more, the U.S. Military does. I feel a sort of empty pain whenever you’re around. This is probably why I signed into the military. I was just looking for an excuse to never have to return to Devine where all the memories of you linger. Everything reminds me of you, and everything seems so broken. Everything is saddening to me to and extent where I will cry. For an example, my friend and I were eating ice cream, and she dropped hers. I don’t know why, but I bawled. Everything just hurts these days. I don’t know how much more I can bear it. I wanted to get away from everything, and I still do. Have you every heard that song: “I look into your eyes and I see nothing there…..I hear you fading away.” But, you’re not the one fading, I am. That’s a sad thing when you are feeling yourself slipping into something you don’t want to slip into, or you feel yourself becoming something that you despise with your entire being. Now, I understand that you think I did wrong. That I lied to you. This is not true, and there were witnesses who can tell you. Your calculations were off; because you counted to the last time ‘it’ occurred (September 6), not the first time (august 12). That’s plenty of time to determine, and nothing was set in stone until I fixed it. I made everything better. You were too young for me to ruin your life. But you have to believe me. We weren’t together anymore, why would I lie to you? I think of you every day. I wonder how you’re doing and if you have another girl. I hope she treats you better than I did. And I hope you learned from you mistake with me. I also wonder how your family is doing and how Tiki, Jack, and Sammy are. I just wonder about everything. I see you and I think in my head that you’ve changed, maybe you have, maybe not. I know I have. But it wouldn’t matter to you. You and I had been through a lot, and then, not even a week after we split, disaster struck me, and I have yet to finish that problem. Are you over me yet? I am not over you. I wish I could be. I would love to turn back the clock and change so many things. So you regret ever being with me? What’s strange is that while I regret almost everything I ever did to you, things that made you hurt and cry, I don’t regret BEING with you. I don’t regret that people called me Pudge’s girl. Or Darons chick. It was an honor. And I have no regrets in placing all of my love into you. Because I know you felt it. Maybe you still do feel it. I fell in love with you a million times over, but I was only a bad memory to you. I remember I even cut my hair because you seemed attracted to girls with short hair. I was willing to change my world, inside and out for you, but I never got the chance. I hope you understand that I never lied to you about the thing that would’ve changed our lives had I not made everything better. And because I fixed it, I feel such a deep remorse that I have done something wrong. Does that make me a bad person? Beaux-Beaux used to say that I was inhuman because the way I spoke of certain things, it made me sound as though I were truly born without a heart. But I was born with a heart, and I gave it to you. And you broke it. To save me. That is how I know your intentions were pure. It was noble of you, no? But also foolish, I think its safe to admit that we were hurting a lot more when we are apart of one another. I’m tired of pretending that I feel nothing for you when I do…

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

I've avoided this place for some time now. And now, my dearest Alyce is dead. I cannot reveal this to my closest friends, lest his identity be even more doubted. I avoided this place for some unknown reason, and now that he is dead, I return. I was foolish, I believed that since I had him by my side, holding me together, I didn't need support from anywhere else. So now I return, ashamed of my cockiness. He's gone. What am I to tell she that cares for him? most of all, what am I to tell myself?

[XWynterXoXPriestessX]

this is the second day since he died. I feel no air or light coming through this misery, in fact, i don't even feel the spirit reaching out to me. Am I just blind, or is the pain truly too much to bear? I had only known him a short while, but it seems he grew on me rather quickly. Now, I do everything alone. and I go through them otions of the day, knowing I will be alone. No amount of magic and witchcraft can change my sorrow. now will i let it. this is the course the mother has chosen for me, and she wanted me to feel this, or i wouldn't feel it. I know in my aching heart, this is another lesson she has laid before me.