The Change is Perpetual

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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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When I recall this incident in the forest last autumn... long story short, two middle-aged women assaulted me and my mom verbally in Tyresta national park, because we were speaking Russian and they perceived us as refugees... or, rather, I was speaking Russian with my mom since she doesn't speak English or Swedish. If I'd feel more balanced back in the days, I'd produce the following monologue in Swedish: “There is a certain advantage in being multilingual. Linguistically speaking, each and every language contains certain expressions that'd be totally untranslatable in almost every context. These expressions are very specific, indeed. These two ladies, whatever reasons they have in mind, perceive us as someone who don't understand the language they're speaking in, so they feel they could say everything they please. But, they're not aware of the fact that I'm multilingual and can play the very same card. I can say something like this... * here goes some incredibly vile Russian swearing * ...how would they perceive that? If they'd ask what does it mean, I'd say simply that this expression means “nice weather, isn't it?” - but, I'm above even that. See, people who are happy with their lives would never attack random strangers in the park. They must be, like all types of bullies, feeling anything but happy and content. I feel sorry for them, that they just can't enjoy this pleasant sunny weather, whatever reasons they have for that. I hope that they will feel better soon”. And, I do, I sincerely do.

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Tyresta" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Associated card: The High Priestess.
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Slow down and relax... Listen. Be still now.
Let the pain through and it will go.
Express your pain and negativity, so it will go.
Create a track or finish the old one.
Focus on this moment. Now.
There is no other time than now.
No past, no future. Quiet your mind.
Watch it talking. It will calm down in a bit.
Relax. Be kind to yourself. You need it.
Make your mind completely silent now.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Make peace with your past.
Close the doors. Forgive. Trust.
If you need help, just ask.
Take your time. Take care of yourself.
Read the energy walls of people around you.
Choose love. Happiness. Prosperity.
We all are one. You are protected.
Be grateful. Trust the process.
Bright future is ahead. You create it now.
And so it is...
The world was not broken.
You were, and you are healing now.

Keep your vibration high.
Wake up early.
Give love to little you.
Meditate.
Go to the nature, forest or lake.
Release your fears.
Declutter.
Be connected.
Acknowledge and appreciate.
Abandon control.
Abandon resistance.
Relax.
Reconnect.
Receive.
Remember.
Reclaim.
And repeat:

“As I inhale deeply, I open up every cell in my body to all the good vibrations of the universe. I am full of life and full of light. Everything is right. Thank you”.

I TRANSFORM / "The Cards of Wisdom I" / September 2015
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

Post by citrine »

Associated card: The High Priestess.
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The meaning of spirituality is to live the integral life, integrating all the techniques that work for the highest in you at the present moment into life. The only way to integrity is the change, and the change is perpetual. The change is life. To keep balance is the key to maintaining the integral life. The meaning is the process and the process IS. Self-love is the most important skill to learn ever during your time on this planet. Trust the signs. Trust the process. And so it is.

I TRANSFORM / "Spirituality" / September 2015
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Associated card: The High Priestess.
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Your dark side is your side of growth. Each and every experience is for your good, even if you don't see it in a positive way initially. When you darken up, you grow. You learn. You understand... Just keep balance in it. Learn to love your dark side. Stop struggling with your ego. Allow it to learn. To rebuild. Don't judge... Accept it and love it. This is the next step for you.

I TRANSFORM / "The Dark Side" / September 2015
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

Post by citrine »

Associated card: The High Priestess.
Associated track: none.

Self-confidence is the key to balance.
But, it doesn't come from your ego.

Meet yourself in the mirror.
Recognize all your insecurities.
Don't compare yourself to others. You are unique.
But, you're not the centre of the world.
You are you and you have your mission here.
Avoid excessive perfectionism. Set small goals.
Break bigger goals into smaller ones.
Identify things to work on.
Journal and acknowledge your progress.
Push yourself out of the comfort zone.
Help others. Be a good listener.
Focus on the humanity...
Be very clear and direct.
No bending the conversations towards yourself!
Outside your place focus on others.
Inside your place focus on yourself.
Affirmations must not come from the ego.
Identify where your wishes are coming from.
Make your mind silent before making an affirmation.
Or, before asking the cards.
Appreciate what you have in your life already.
And, be kind to yourself.

I TRANSFORM / "The Cards of Wisdom II" / September 2015
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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OMG. Just finished listening to “Trial of the Valeyard”, this absolutely stunning Big Finish audio play... it's such a treat for any avid whovian. When it comes to audio plays, somehow I manage to stick to everything that features the Sixie. Colin's manner of delivery... oh gosh. I'd love to see a parallel world where Michael Grade wasn't the BBC controller and Colin could have at least five years of screen time as the Doctor subsequently... because Colin's take on the Doctor character was and is FANTASTIC. And, the audio plays prove it effortlessly! To me, the Sixie is one of the best. Although all Doctors are amazing, poor Colin was treated the worst among them all. And, the Valeyard... I'd love seeing Capaldi in some sort of “Meta-Crisis” later on that could possibly produce the Valeyard... even if it's not quite actual any more since for some reason we have John Hurt. Just hoping that the new producer might recall the classics and utilize the concept of the Valeyard somehow, although I admit that I liked Moff's take on the show since “The Eleventh Hour”, that is still one of the finest pieces of television produced ever. Most importantly, perhaps, is the fact that this audio play is a literal swan song for Inquisitor Darkel... rest in peace, Lynda Bellingham. Thank you, Big Finish, for making this audio play... to happen.

PS: the Sixie and Evelyn... love, love, love <3 The best pairing ever!

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Valeyard" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

Post by citrine »

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Everything that happened, happening now or will happen, happened already. Or, rather, continuously takes place without any kind of continuity. Tomorrow took place yesterday, and today doesn't make any more sense than any other given points here or there... There is no sense of direction when it comes to time, so we make deliberate attempts at rationalization, since it's the nature of our brains, but not our true nature...

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "The Sense of Direction" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Dear SZ,

First of all, I would really like to say that I am genuinely sorry for everything that has happened 3 years ago. I am, very much. From the point of “current me”, if I would go through the same, playing the role of a counterpart, I'd stay away not only from the person, from the activism even, forever and ever. I do understand... everything. It's just... I feel that you didn't quite understand what exactly was happening back in the days, neither did I. A huge confusion that almost ended up in tragedy. Just imagine... Someone who was living on the street for a year, surviving, fighting, doing her best, receiving basically nothing when it comes to basic human kindness, all of a sudden just receives a tiny glimpse of kindness and care, only for this glimpse to be taken away almost instantly, within a month. It's not like I wanted a commitment or anything back in the days, as nowadays I understand very well... I couldn't handle just anything back then when it comes to other people, and it took me three years to figure out many things and to commence the most profound healing ever. I am just very kind-hearted, empathic and affectionate by nature. This quality of mine was buried deep, you managed to dig it up... only to bury it up again. I can't complain about the treatment from your side after my suicide attempt back then though. You did your best. I still recall this most traumatizing scene of you yelling at me when I was taking the pills... most traumatizing experiences for both, most unfortunate. From my part, as I said, I am genuinely sorry. But, I never understood your motivation at all. By inviting me to southern Sweden, what was exactly your motivation? Everyone else kept a huge distance from me, but you didn't. Did you want to give me a chance, or what? This is most puzzling... Maybe, it's within your nature as well, I suspect you are a lightworker also, after all. In your own way. Isn't it peculiar... it takes profound and sharpest possible pain to realize your own timelessness. Right now I understand a lot about suicide, that it's the most pointless idea ever. We are spiritual beings living a human experience. My, and, undoubtedly, your energies, as well, are eternal. Timeless. I don't know about you, but I know who I am and where I am from. And, life here on Earth... is just a game. We all are supposed to play here, even if the games that we play here sometimes end in a very cruel way. I will stress this once again, it really did hurt when you gave and instantly took away that glimpse of kindness I needed most at the moment. But, I guess, it was a lesson for me, and I've finally learnt it. Did I tell you about the sunrise I've seen and experienced just after that Pride parade in Stockholm? I was having sleep deprivation, walking around the central Stockholm, drunk and with the lingering feeling of pain in my soul, trying to find my way back to my trailer. And, around 3am... I've seen the sunrise, nearby Karlberg station. The rising star, the orange hued rays that have brought warmth to my wounded soul, happened to be the most beautiful thing I witnessed since a very long time... embodying hope, the hope for a better tomorrow. My long walks in Nacka area gave me the same sense of comfort... falsely, as I found out later on. You invited me to southern Sweden only to take this hope back from me. It was a lesson that I've learnt, perhaps, only now, when I've learnt to be comfortable with myself on my own and created the proper surroundings for myself, allowing the peaceful energy to flow about. The old circle, if there was any, just dissolved, and the new one is slowly forming. I will never return to activism again voluntarily, only in case of emergency perhaps. So, it's unlikely that anyone else from the past will hear of me or about me again ever, I am nobody in these circles nowadays and I don't have any ambitions when it comes to politics. One thing I miss about you is your wit and your use of language, but then, luckily, you're not unique in that part. I just hope that all the good times that we had back in the days were equally good times for you. The Pride week, the times in Skåne... everything that we both enjoyed. And, I can't help but wonder, very much indeed... what part of this weird game called “life on Earth” is really yours? What are you hoping to achieve or rather find within this never-ending 0-dimensional matrix of experiences? I never understood your motivation, again, at all. You were, and are, a total enigma to me in so many ways. Well, whatever part you are playing now, whatever kind of adventures you embark on right now, I wish you all the best. You're more than just a decent human being, after all. And, with the re-release of all the music that was made about you... I forgive you and I forgive myself. I let you go now. Go now in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way.

Hail and farewell,
/L
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Associated card: The High Priestess.
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You are a being, not a doing!
Who you are is enough!

Learn to thrive instead of survive.
Give energy to your dreams.
Think big, dream big, believe big,
and the results will be big.
Keep feeling the sunshine
and you can't see the shadow.

Enjoy the simple things in life.
Protect your space and circle.
Invest in people who you know
will feed you just as much
goodness as you do them.
What others think of you
is none of your business.

Don't neglect your path for another!
Focus on feeling good!
You're closer than you were
yesterday. Keep positive.
Everything comes in due time.

Watch your mind if you have a compulsion
to re-check something over and over again.
Whatever it is, just watch your mind first.

When you have to sort something out,
you have to decompress, release, relax,
fix yourself in the present, and only then
you can start sorting your stuff out.
Whatever it is.

When receiving a download from
the other realms, watch your mind
receiving it. You can get much more
out of it then.

Don't listen to the “mindphaser” voice!
Tragedy dissolves, happiness on course!
Be responsible for your emotions!
Focus on positivity in your life.
Like attracts like.

When you love you, you attract love.
Be in control of yourself and your life.
Create peace, a firm foundation for everything.
Master the basic “3D reality” first.

But, don't give yourself hard time at all.
Tell the happy stories and moments.
Let the sad ones dissolve in eternity.

Make your journalling heart-centered.
Write about the world around you.
Slowly, step by step, shift your focus...
towards the outside world.

You receive as much as you contribute
from the heart. Recognize when it comes
from the ego. Do it from the heart.

Learn to be heart-centered in all your communication.
Talk to others. Express yourself. See their reaction.
Adjust. Listen, adjust, then talk again.
Focus on listening. See how it goes.

Act out of character! Be funny! Everyone loves humour!
Be open and non-judgemental! Take it all like you're a kid!
Build positive patterns for yourself, starting from now!

Be patient with yourself.
Once again, everything comes
when the time is due.

I TRANSFORM / "The Cards of Wisdom III" / September 2015
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

Post by citrine »

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It's just very likely... when you experience this kind of deep lingering pain, it's the same effect, basically, as you try to go through the solid wall, thinking that you're transparent... but you're not. Am I on the right way? I guess, if I feel this kind of pain already, then, very likely, I'm not. My ego drives me through that wall, even if I really don't belong there... and the pain is just a signal from the subconscious mind... don't go there. But, where do I belong in the end? Who, and what? Or, maybe, this is just the pain from the past? Sometimes keeping silence will give you all the answers you need. I can just watch for now... suffering silently and realizing only one thing in the end. At least I can watch. Maybe I'll be able to see the details I just can't see for now. The more I watch, the more I witness the destruction of the solid structures I don't reinforce any more. What will remain, will remain. What will go, will go inevitably. I just hope that this chain of events steers me towards the better place in the end.

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Towards the Future" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

Post by citrine »

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Now, it's a bit of confession here... so funny actually, when one contemplates it :D but... it's just like that. I'm on the highest “level” of autistic spectrum, meaning unusually high intellect but limited social capabilities... and I'm lesbian after all, or lesbian pansexual rather. When calling the LGBT therapy unit today I realized what kind of help do I need... and it's so ridiculously funny :D I need help from them in this way... okay, brace yourself... I need... DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS about living my life as a lesbian, guidelines about how one tackles the contacts with other lesbians, tackles the clicks, tackles the situations after the clicks happen... some sort of customized “rule book” I have to adhere to. How should I behave... and so on. Given that it sounds so... formal, when it comes to such subject as relationships of all kinds... it's really ridiculous but autistic mind works just like that! Extremely logical. I'm much more than my mind obviously, but I just need a certain “upgrade”, so the mind will keep me out of trouble. It's just an instrument, after all. Maybe it's not as funny as it seems, everyone needs that to a certain degree, but I can't stop giggling :D

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Aspie" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Associated card: Five of Pentacles.
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Okay, so it looks like this. The total mindf*ck with the social service and the glimpse of kindness that was, once again, given and taken by someone out here... destabilize me big time. Everything I ever wanted was a short pause, creating some sort of workflow and order here... and now I don't even know what to think any more. This is too much... Maybe I'm just panicking, but if I'm supposed to find new ways... what am I missing out there? I don't have a faintest idea. A glimpse of hope was given and taken again, in so many ways... I just hope I'm strong enough to sort out all of this. Once again, completely alone. Only my mind and my cards, nothing and no one else. I'd love to continue giving light to others, but right now I'm lacking in this department big time. Going to meditate once I'm home... figured out the things with the system more or less even before finishing writing this, just need additional data... now I need a boost of confidence, and the only way to achieve it is meditation.

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Finding My Way" / February 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Oh gosh... I feel a bit overwhelmed here, so much stuff is happening simultaneously in my life, so being a bit quiet right now... but, some things just need to be vented out. “No one understands me” is the understatement, but still. I love one particular resource, I do. But... frankly, I just don't get the point of some interactions, here or in any other social network. Guys asking if I'm married. Not like “what are your interests”, “oh, we do have some things in common, let's chat about it if you like”, or something like that. I don't even believe in marriage institution, given that this option is not available to EVERYONE in this world, mostly only to straight people. By the way, exactly that, why everyone supposes that I'm straight? I don't want to scream to the whole world about who I might be into, who I desire to share my life, including bed, with. It's not what is defining me and my personality... What is defining, though, is my creativity, my origin, my goal being here and now... what I can contribute and share. This wasn't ideal so far, but it gets better. But, why they don't want to talk about that? Okay, they might find someone here to marry, but what's next? Why are they doing what they do? What's the motivation? So many don't know the answer... what's the point and reason of biological existence here and now, basically. Maybe that shall be the point of the search instead? And, when it comes to sexuality in particular... how do these guys know if they like girls? Because they've been told to? Or, because it feels right? Many interesting conversations could stem from that... but, everything they could say is “OK, bye”. Yeah, sure... sometimes I think that not everyone actually deserves my time, even if replying to absolutely everyone, even with delays, but still. Being very meticulous when it comes to my inbox.

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Humanity" / March 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Let's put it in this way. The past was different. You just had to impose your will upon the world and the surroundings in order to survive, in order to persevere... The ways of the ego are not right or wrong in basically any case given. The ego is nothing more than a protective shell. You still have to protect yourself, but now you don't have to take the defence position literally all the time, like before. Kindness, compassion and gratitude have to be your main tools nowadays. You are safe and you are protected. Take it easy. Everything is right. Better times are on the way, just as you asked.

AMETHYSTCLUSTER / "Kindness" / March 2016
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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citrine
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Re: The Change is Perpetual

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Dear VC,

Well... Hello there! :D Grrrrrinnn! :D I wonder how do you feel right now upon reading all this, really, I do. You and your friend tried your best to set me aside, to destroy everything I lived for at the moment, you mocked and ridiculed me, you have had fun on my behalf, and, finally, you let me drown. But, I AM... still alive! Alive AND happy with everything about! I'm indestructible, and, in a way, immortal. So. There! :D Made it, done it, done it! *looooooong tongue, reaching far beyond my nose*

Okay, enough teasing... on a more serious note, now. You see... not long time ago, during a pleasant and sunny day in Sweden, the country where I lawfully reside nowadays, I was enjoying freshly brewed coffee with Tosca cake, getting just about enough solar radiation for commencing the vitamin D production in my system, in a quiet park not far away from home... and thinking. How are you doing nowadays? Are you still in Russia? Especially after what your government is doing to your country? Well, I'm sorry to hear if you are still... there. I just hope you're comfortable and happy there. I wasn't, obviously.

You see... almost six years of my life, after the last time we've been in touch, transformed me completely. I know what is pain, in so many ways... I did have my NDE, I know how the “afterlife” looks like. A place... just like any other place. Reminds me of the foggy Swedish day, only the fog is incredibly thick. A vast blanket of white hanging heavy over the hills, skirted around the trees... and, in its piercing silence, a couple of shy young men in black metal corpse-paint are hanging about :) Just kidding. Of course, there was no forest or anything in death, just blank grey fog. Frankly, I wasn't really sure if I was going to survive, given the complications after my life-saving surgeries, that's why I pulled the plug on all my projects and old creative aliases permanently, forever and ever. After the time I was forced to leave Moscow with my ex, we travelled a lot around Russia, and, in the end, we ended up in Sweden. Five rejections by the Migration Board, being a victim of... many kinds of violence, running away from the Swedish police, living on the street for a year, simultaneously fighting the local legal system and challenging it, ultimately... and winning. You know that quote perhaps. Gandhi... First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. And, so it is, very much, indeed. I've made a tiny piece of history here. Not alone, obviously, but still. Just like I've made a tiny piece of history within Russian industrial scene as well. Not alone, mind you, but... once again, still.

You know, I must admit one thing, I was always very hard to collaborate with, and, perhaps, consequently, you took full advantage of my innocent and trusting nature. I'm still innocent and trusting, but I am no longer stupid. I'm sorry if I've been too stubborn and never respected your vision enough, but I'm NOT sorry for everything else, not a tiny little bit. If, right now, you feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins, anger boiling deep in your system, as hot as lava, this raging sea of your fury and blackest, darkest smouldering fires of your pure distilled hatred for me, you see nothing but red in your eyes in the ultimate and very perpetual wish to hurt me even more than you did already... news flash, you simply can't do that. Sorry, not sorry! :P Full stop. Teasing again, but I just can't help it. I don't deny the fact that I proclaimed myself “dead” indirectly, because I really wasn't sure if I was going to survive. Almost each and every album I released back in the days was supposed to be my last one. Yes, I never stopped making music, even when being homeless, since music is my life and one of the points of me existing here and now. If you google me up, you will see what kind of support I received in the end and who I was lucky to work with, on music as well. Big names, huh? And, they all knew what kind of situation I was in and into, my life in that way was and is totally public... still, they were here for me unconditionally. Something I'm eternally grateful for, and something that I still haven't managed to repay. I will. Nothing permanent there as well, sadly, but, once again, the mark was made. I'm proud of these times. Even in Russia... there are two guys from these “promotion project” times who have been in touch with me constantly through all the years, and they are here for me... the only ones who cared, actually. And, they do care, still. When you will receive this email, the story of the projects (from my perspective) will be available on-line, for everyone to read, to see and to ponder upon... I was genuinely surprised that many people within the industrial music scene have heard of our record labels. I told the story to the head of one of the “bigger” companies out there, which, hopefully, will release my new album, and... they were blown away. So, nothing to be ashamed of.

And, here we come to the main point of all this... I scrolled through your book about cyber-Buddhism. Frankly, it's quite hard for me to read Russian nowadays, since I speak only English and Swedish in my daily life, fluently... but, nevertheless, I scrolled through your book. It is, indeed, a compilation of nice and worthy ideas, and, in the end, an interesting perspective that I share to some extent. I went through my spiritual awakening gradually through all these years filled with abundance of pain... I've seen death literally, I was born again in so many ways, I am about to see the true colours of life, and... in the end, I know who I am and where my energy comes from. I don't need any kind of technology or chemical substances to project, to see things, to feel and to hear... to experience the profound sum of it all. I do it naturally. I am free of pain... and free to do whatever I am supposed to do on this planet. My ethics nowadays are simple. Love is the law, love under will. Meaning, in the oversimplified way... no matter what, one shan't do any harm to others. You and your friend did a lot of harm to me... but, you couldn't and you can't harm my original energy blueprint. I might be totally wrong, perceiving you and your character in 2016 as in, for instance, 2009, but... have you learnt compassion, have you learnt how to be kind through your Buddhist journey? I sincerely hope so. In the end, there are many roads to enlightenment, but compassion, kindness and gratitude are indeed the tools of the trade on this path. It's something universal indeed. Or, perhaps, I should say... multiversal.

In any case, the ways of the old don't matter any more, and, the balance was restored... ultimately, completely, just. My main flow was being focused on the project selflessly, the project that didn't do me much good in the end. Then, I made myself “a project”, and, as a consequence of that and long hard work as well... made the difference within and about. I feel much lighter when I'm writing all this, since some things are finally being put to rights... I sincerely hope that you're okay and thriving, and, I hope that you do have your peace nowadays. I wish you well. Really, I do.

There is nothing more to be said... I forgive you and I forgive myself. I let you go now. Go now in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way.

Hail and farewell,
/L
Saol na saol, tús go deireadh. Tá muid beo go deo.
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