Smogie's Ramblings

[smogie_michele]

For the love of wind chimes

You gotta love winter in the south... One minute it is cold, one minute it is kind warm, the next it is a freaking blizzard.

The sun is out, the sky is a lovely shade of blue without a cloud in sight, and there is ice all over the ground and in the branches of the trees. The weather may be a little odd, but it is actually really beautiful out. Too bad I have entirely too much to do as for as school and house work goes, or else I would bundle up and go spend time with the Earth.

I do, however, have one beautiful image to offer you. It is a windy day, causing the ice glazed branches to sway in the wind, shimmering and twinkling as they rock back and forth. The wind chimes are playing their song, and it is almost like watching a ballet from my kitchen window... that the trees are dancing to the chimes with passion and grace. It is quite beautiful.

For this, I am thankful.

[smogie_michele]

Dear Monday.
No.
Love, Smogie.

May the Gods get me through this day in one piece.

[evil ed]

Momma said there'd be days like this, and I didn't know Momma used that kind of language!

[SnowCat]

Dear Hope,
No. I don't want to go see Mary. But I will.

You had to be there.

Snow

[smogie_michele]

Them Rowdy Dogs



Everyone is getting irritated by the dogs running around and playing, by the little yips and yaps and other playful squeaking noises they are making. My mother-in-law is urging them to hush and to lay down, that they need to leave me alone so I can focus on my school work (which, clearly, I'm not doing right now), insisting that bad dogs run around like that.

But I don't mind at all. They are healthy and happy, of course they should want to play. I'm proud of them for playing. Saphira just came home from the hospital, another round of chemo in the books, and still she is running as fast as she can up and down the hall with a toy playing "keep away," with the other dogs. Jenny, my other baby, is entering the "senior" stage in her life, a time where most dogs become sedentary, is prancing and jumping with her. And Delilah, the little pup who was sick when we first moved in here- who had a skin infection so bad that it caused her discomfort to walk at a brisk pace, is running as fast as her feet will take her, all smiles.

How wonderful is that?
How lucky are we that we get to see them thriving?

[SnowCat]

The m-i-l is the one who needs to hush. I love good news about fur-babies!

Snow

[evil ed]

I'm glad i have a "bad dog"!

E.E.

[smogie_michele]

What I Write About


When I started this blog, I had no idea what it's purpose would be. All I knew was that I was called to write about something, and so I just started writing.
I wish that this blog had more to do with my spiritual development that it actually does. I wish I wrote more about my growing relationship with the Earth and how I am constantly growing as a person.
But lo, that isn't normally what I write about.

However, I do think what I DO write about it just as important.

I write about my fur children, my school, and my living situation.

The three things that stress me out to know end.

This place has been my outlet. To vent, to cope, to cry, and to be happy. I don't have many places to turn to with that. Yes, I have my mom. Yes, I have Cody... Bless him, I love that man with every fiber in me... But there is only so much I can say when whining about his mother's unfair attitude toward me. She is still his mom, and I never want him to feel like I am forcing him to choose between the two of us.
But here, I can whine all I want. I'm putting my frustrations out into the universe and getting it off my chest. In return, I produce a shred of sanity to hold tight to.
Not only that, but I am lucky enough to have a few people who have followed my story... who have encouraged me in my school work, who celebrate my fur child's progress with me, and display nothing but empathy when I am overwhelmed by my living arrangement.

While I would like to start writing more about my spiritual journey, what I do have to say is important to me... writing here every few days helps keep me more like me.

And for those who give a comment every now and again... Thank you

[evil ed]

This is part of your spiritual journey too! You have a long way to go Grasshopper, but you have already traveled far, and survived what would have broken many.

I am proud of you.

E.E.

[SnowCat]

My cats like to get in the cabinets and "sleep with the dishes." Not to be confused with "sleep with the fishes."

Snow

[smogie_michele]

Imbolc

One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is the one of feeling "stuck" in life. We are so very stuck... stuck in this house, in the vicious cycle of bills, in the drama of our friends lives, in the drama of my own depression, in the aftermath of my poor financial decisions...
I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want out of all of these worthless cycles we have trapped ourselves in. We need a change, but we can't just hope for it, we need to start it.

So today, we start the change.

Honestly, there is no better time for it. Winter is ending soon, the earth is waking up, snow is melting (except where snow cat lives, apparently...), birds are returning home, we are able to start sowing our seeds indoors so that we can move them outside... Things are changing. Change is painful, but it results in growth.
We need to change with the Earth.

Today, I begin starting each day with gratitude. Even if I can't think of much I am grateful for at the time, I will always find something- like the fact that both of my dogs are beating the odds- Jenny survived her uterine infection and Saphira is thriving in the face of a severely aggressive form of cancer with hopes of beating it.
Today, I will start being mindful of our money and realize that we don't need to spend it to be happy... date nights don't need to be dinner and a movie, it can be taking a walk in a park we have never visited before.
Today, I will start making sure to tell Cody that I love him and appreciate him more often, not just when we are ready to go to bed.
Today, I will start making sure I make time for me- not just school and work. I deserve time off to read a book or to paint every now and again.
Today, I start to embrace all of the dog and cat hair that somehow manages to end up all over my clothes- it simply means that I have fur children that are happy, fed and loved.
Today, I begin to forgive myself for the bad choices that I have made over the years and will allow myself to climb out of this hole I made as slowly as I need to and with as many tears as I need... All that matters is that I AM MOVING FORWARD.This is hard, but I will get there.

I plan on lighting a candle for each goal I want to accomplish this year.
I plan on making a large fire with Cody outside and watching it burn down.
I plan on drinking a spot of scotch and letting my cheeks get warm and tingly.

Hell, I plan on making a kroger brand frozen cheese pizza for dinner and loving it because it is food in my belly... I want to live simpler, happier life- if that means being happy with my cheap dinner, then so be it. It is more than some people have.

I was originally wanting to take a break from school work to write this, but now I think I will paint for a little bit.

I love you all so much.

[smogie_michele]

Happy Anniversary to Us

Four years ago I was moving away. I ad a plane ticket and an apartment set up for me in Colorado and three job interviews lined up.
Four years ago, about a month before I was suppose to move, some weird kid I went to high school with asked me on a date that i was not sure I wanted to accept.
Four years ago today, I said goodbye to my plane ticket, my apartment, and all of my non refundable deposits so I could be with him for the rest of my life.

Happy Anniversary, Cody. Four years down, the rest of forever to go. I love you.

[smogie_michele]

I just spent an hour writing in this thing... just for the server to kick me off and make me re-log in.
Stupid technology.

[smogie_michele]

Of Manic Depression and Terrible Credit Scores

Yesterday I spent an hour or so writing a HUGE post.. And then my server kicked me off.
So here I am, trying again.

The funny thing about manic depression (bipolar disorder) is that you never know how long the ups or down will last. We knew I was manic depressive when I was about 14- I had a small stint in rehab for eating problems where I was able to learn more about myself, so I was on medication to help me stabilize my moods until I was about 18.

Bipolar disorder doesn't mean "that person just gets mad quickly," It means that you have periods of feeling amazing followed by periods of feeling like hell. These periods can last anywhere from a few days to a few years.
When I am on an "up" cycle, I feel great. I am fancy free, love living life, love being with all of my friends, and have an amazing ability to see all of the beauty this world has to offer. However, I also become reckless. I won't pay bills, I will run up my credit card, and spend money that I don't have... I seem to have a "you live once" attitude, and that seems to be enough justification to not act like a functioning adult.
My "down" cycle is pure hell. The reality of all the mistakes I made begin to weigh down on me to the point where I start absolutely hating myself. Although I know what is going on in my down cycle, I am so overwhelmed that I can't handle or manage my debt. I hide from my past during the day, and cry all night, cursing myself for being such a moron. I cry at night knowing that I am laying next to a man who deserves much better than me...

Y'all.. I am in DEBT. My credit score is what nightmares are made of... My meth head father has a better credit score than I do...


So how did I get here? People with a score like mine always have a back story, right?

When I was 18, I stopped taking my medication. When on my medication, I still have ups and downs, but I am much better at working through them. For example, when I was up, I may impulsively spend all of my gas money on getting my hair done. But then I would realize, "crap, now I don't have any wiggle room to drive to the movies, or to go to my friend's house this weekend," and I would only drive to and from school or sometimes ride the bus. During my down periods, I may not feel like participating in any school activities like football games, but I at least made it to school on time and did my homework.
But like I said, I stopped my medication when I was 18. My mother switched jobs and lost her insurance, meaning I lost my insurance. 18 year old Smogie didn't want to buy all of her medication out of pocket... So I just didn't. This was in the middle of an "up" cycle, so I was feeling great. I was convinced that I didn't need my medication.

This cycle lasted for years. It didn't take long before I was in deep trouble with my finances, but I didn't care. I was getting tattoos, going on long day trips, running up my credit card on makes overs and new clothes, I was dating a lot... I never spared a single thought on what a toll I was making against my credit or how it would affect me in the future. I was living in the moment.
Three years later (yes, three whole years...) I began to slow down, entering the dreaded "down" cycle. At this point, I had somehow ended up in my own place (how, with my credit, I will never know) and the reality of the adult world slammed down on me... I was like the little cartoon where someone is walking by a building where there is a crane moving a piano to the top floor, when suddenly the piano falls, smushing the pedestrian. You know what I'm talking about,right? I knew I was in deep trouble, but I couldn't stand the thought of actually tackling my bills... So I just hid from them. There I was, in the adult world, acting like even more of a child that before... sitting in my house all day long pretending that everything was fine, followed by sleepless nights of crippling guilt and anxiety.

So here I am now... Back on medication and thinking a bit better, but having no idea where I should start.
I checked my credit score two nights ago for the first time EVER (at the age of 24, I still hadn't checked it...) and when I saw what it was I fell apart. I gave my engagement ring back to Cody and bawled, telling him "I'll go back to my mom's if you want me to, you don't deserve a mess like me." Cody, being the wonderful human that he is, put my ring back on me and said "Never take this off ever again.. unless you are getting it cleaned."
He promised to help me work through this and swore that we would get through it.

So yesterday, for the first time ever, I called all of the collection agencies and my student loan holders and set up affordable payments.
I got in touch with someone from a tax agency to set up a meeting with them.
Yesterday, I made the first step in my 100 mile journey.

I should also note, yesterday was a full moon... Full moons are for new beginnings.
Here is to my new, stressful, headache inducing, but beautiful new beginning.

[SnowCat]

Sometimes progress is measured in millimeters and microseconds. Sending you and Cody and the fur babies a big furry hug!

Snow