Smogie's Ramblings

If you'd like to have your own blog here, start yourself a thread. Use your member name somewhere in the title so people will know who you are. The blogs here should be mostly about your spiritual path and beliefs.
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

An entry from my book of shadows

Yesterday, I sat my lazy butt outside and made myself write in the journal part of my book of shadows for the first time in a long time. I had planned on writing about my plans for Ostara, but instead I went off on a tangent and wrote about how I was feeling- which helped me understand why I was feeling down. In the long run, it helped me talk to Cody about everything, and we were able to understand one another. I thought I would share.

I realize it has been a while... my last entry just before Christmas. Before we knew about Saphira's cancer. Life has been busy, I'm sorry I've been a bad friend.
It is absolutely beautiful outside right now, you can truly tell that spring is just around the corner. The dogs have been running around and playing for an hour. Now both Jenny and Saphira are sun bathing while Delilah is digging a hole in the shade. She is getting filthy, but I will deal with that later... Right now I am just happy to see them being silly.

I'm trying my best to think positive thoughts, but all that is running through my mind right now is "Well, if we still were at the apartment, I would have all the windows open." Or, "If we were at the apartment, I would have dinner and a bottle of wine ready for Cody and I to enjoy on the patio."
I'm homesick.
I'm so incredibly homesick.

I once thought that home was wherever I was with Cody, but now I'm starting to think I was wrong. I am with Cody now. I love him desperately and am glad that he is still next to me... But I am very far from home.

Now I am beginning to realize that home is where Cody and I are ourselves.
Home is where I sneak into the bathroom while Cody is showering to throw a glass of ice water on him. Home is where I come home from work and Cody has made me brownies because he knows I am on my period. Home is where I clean like a madwoman, then we lay in the floor and watch James Bond. Home is where we drag out the N64 and play Mario Kart... the loser cleans the cat box for a week. Home is where he comes home from work every Monday afternoon, makes two cups of coffee while I make dinner, then after eating he watches Castle while I paint in the living room floor.
No... This isn't home. This is just the place that we exist near one another.
We have lost ourselves.

Yes, without living here we would have never been able to find Saphira's cancer... My beautiful girl would slowly be dying. For that, I am grateful that we are here. But as soon as this is over...

We need to go. We had said that we would stick it out until we could find a house that we loved, but now I just want to have my home back. Yes, we need more room. No, it doesn't need to be a house.
I miss us. I miss being idiots together. I miss him laying in bed with me, him reading my books on paganism asking me questions about what I believe. I miss us having long talks about our future children and what kind of parents we want to be. I miss us dancing in the kitchen just because.
We don't do that here.
We are quiet here.
We fear that there are eyes on us at all times.
We hide my books.
We don't talk about our future family.
We just exist.

Existing isn't enough for me. We have one more Chemo treatment, then it is time to go back home. We both deserve that.

Here I was, thinking I would write of Ostara... instead I figure out why I have been feeling so down. Home isn't just where Cody is... It is where WE are.
It is time to go home.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
RosieMoonflower
EUTM Support
EUTM Support
Posts: 1005
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 11:32 pm

Smogie's Ramblings

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Congratulations on setting a date! I'm actually getting married 17 days! So I know how stressful it can be to get everything ready in time. Be glad you have family helping even though you weren't expecting them to book the venue. My mother has been amazing during this time helping me get everything done and even though sometimes I wanted her to just back off because she was over excited in my opinion or making me feel like all her ideas were going to cost a fortune, in the end I'm so grateful for everything she has done. My wedding will be lovely and it's 90% because of her. We ended up ordering cupcakes instead of a cake to save money. Our invitations came from vistaprint which I was more than pleased with. I'm working on bridal gifts and party favors currently. I'm thinking a cute tote bag and then go to the dollar tree and fill up with girly things like lipstick and nail polish. I only chose 4 bridesmaids to keep cost down too. For party favors I ordered small blue bags off of oriental trading and am going to fill them with wildflower seeds that you can just through anywhere and they will grow. I also let my girls pick out their own dresses. Told them length, color, and fabric type but they chose what they wanted based on that in the hopes that they would get something they might actually wear again, since they paid for it. I also did not rent suits for the guys, I ended up buying them suspenders and bow ties which was way cheaper and they are wearing slacks and a white button up shirt they already own. If i think of any other money savers I'll let you know.

As far as planning stuff for your friend on a tight budget, does she have any other bridesmaids who could help? Is the bride wanting to take a big trip or is she okay with staying local? Will the shower be co-Ed or just the ladies?

Rose
User avatar
RosieMoonflower
EUTM Support
EUTM Support
Posts: 1005
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 11:32 pm

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Oh gosh . So sorry, I made a reply before I saw that you had posted again today. Give me a minute to read this new response before replying again. [GRINNING FACE WITH SMILING EYES]

Rosie
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

We got the save the dates from Vista Print and they turned out beautifully... I actually just addressed about half of them. You're wedding planning style seems to be much like mine!
Congrats on your upcoming marriage, so exciting!!
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

After weeks of not sleeping well and feeling a little anxious about life in general, before I went to bed I prayed that sleep would find me soon and that I will find the answers to what is best for us. I need my mind to be quiet so I can focus on work, and I really, really need to get my sleep schedule back to normal. I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, worrying about everything. It's exhausting.

Cody and I spoke to one another shortly after my prayer... but I honestly don't know if we were talking or if I was dreaming already. I asked him about it via text (he is working and left before I woke up) but he hasn't responded yet.
Anyways, during our conversation I told him that I missed our apartment home. That it was large, well kept up, comfortable and beautiful... Not to mention it was pet friendly and had a well kept dog park. He agreed with me, and said that he wanted to go back. We spoke for a while about why we were moving- our rent was going up and we couldn't afford it with all of our pet's upcoming medical bills AND we were living in a one bedroom, one bathroom. We were running out of room to put all of our stuff and had no one to house overnight guest. He proposed that we move back into our apartments, this time in a two bedroom. He said that while we would essentially be paying enough for rent on a house, we would be saving money in utilities AND we wouldn't need to worry a out lawn care, if the house was petfriendly, or regular upgrades.
Knowing the floor plan, we talked about where our furniture would go, where we should hang our paintings, what wall the tv should be on... he even came up with a beautiful spot for me to put my altar, suggesting that I use the small coffee table from the living room this time, that it was just a touch bigger and at a height where I can comfortably kneel in front of it and still do my work.
He also suggested that we save up enough money to put down a pet deposit for THREE dogs, that it would be in Delilah's (his moms dog) best interest if we were to talk his parent's into letting her come live with us.
We agreed that we wanted to go look at the apartments as soon as we ha enough money for a deposit...

Then I woke up.
Just like that.

There was no dozing off for a little while. We had just bought a lava lamp from walmart that night (don't judge, I really wanted it) and it had been on for hours and I was looking at it waiting for the first bubble to pop up... but it never did. It was like I shut my eyes and when I opened them it was 8:00 in the morning and my lava lamp was active.

I honestly don't know if the conversation I had with Cody was real or not...
But now I think I know what my heart is really wanting.

Also, I slept really well. It was amazing.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Update- we never spoke last night.... It was a dream.
But I think I will be talking to him about this again tonight.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
SnowCat
Banned Member
Posts: 4744
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 6:29 am
Gender: Female
Location: The Spirals

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by SnowCat »

It could have been your subconscious talking to his subconscious.

Snow
Daughter of Sekhmet
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

That is what Cody said. We talked about it (awake this time) and we want to go look at the apartments soonish. We really did love living there, it was huge and beautiful. Its close to our friends and our jobs.
I prayed that we would figure out what was best, I truly believe that it was answered.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
SnowCat
Banned Member
Posts: 4744
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 6:29 am
Gender: Female
Location: The Spirals

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by SnowCat »

I think it's going to work out for you.

Snow
Daughter of Sekhmet
User avatar
Becks
Posts: 1013
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2015 11:50 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Vancouver Island

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by Becks »

That sounds really good. :)
User avatar
RosieMoonflower
EUTM Support
EUTM Support
Posts: 1005
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2014 11:32 pm

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Hey smoodgie, you were not kidding about the cost of hair and makeup! I went for me "run through" 2 days ago and it was $130! To practice! And, the worst part is that I left saying I liked it, but got home and realized that I had hoped that I would LOVE it! She gave me exactly what I asked for. Exactly. It's just that once it was done, I wasn't blown away and I wanted to be. So now I get to do it again... But, I keep telling myself it's worth it because I don't want to look back on the pictures and wish I had done something different. Still, $130 is no trivial amount. Sigh..
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Rosie, I completely agree with you on that. I would probably be the same way,these pictures will be around for the rest of our lives and for many generations after that- I get wanting them perfect!
Did you try your hair and makeup with the veil and with your other jewelry? Sometimes that helps get the overall look you are wanting :)
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

Chemo

We have FINISHED chemo! No more no more no more! smiley_dance smileylove smiley_dance loveface smiley_dance :lol:
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
User avatar
Becks
Posts: 1013
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2015 11:50 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Vancouver Island

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by Becks »

Yay! Hope she is better soon.
User avatar
smogie_michele
Posts: 792
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:32 am
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Post by smogie_michele »

I found this picture of me that I love. We were at Down Town Disney and I was pretty excited about the beer in my hand... It was delicious... I wanted to share it because I am pretty sure it was my favorite day on out vacation :)
Attachments
10441011_10207752954604578_5867543289265511801_n.jpg
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
Post Reply

Return to “Members' Personal Blogs”