Rosie's Journey

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RosieMoonflower
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Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

04/19/15

(This is a continuation of my last post.)

The 7 of pentacles has always represented Christianity and/or charity to me. But, the other cards I was having trouble with because of them not being in front of me. So I went to the guide I use to help me remember the meanings of cards and I wrote down the words that stuck out to me.

Ace of Swords - new beginnings, new possibilities, and balance
2 of Wands - productive relationships, magnificence
2 of Cups - union, love, romantic relationships, connections, fun relationships.
3 of Swords - betrayal, breakdown of relationships, removal, absence, sorrow, love triangle
7 of Wands - struggle
4 of Swords - withdrawing mentally, relaxation, retreat

So, as I was going through the words associated with the cards, I was getting this feeling that they were pointing to the "break up" I had with Jesus and then BAM, my brain starts singing:
"Don't you want me baby??
You know I can't believe it
When I hear that you won't see me.
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you
When you say that you don't need me.
It's much to late to find
When you think you've changed your mind.
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry.
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me, oooooooh?
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me, oooooooh?

It was like running into a brick wall. I've always jokingly called me moving away from Christianity a "break up" with Jesus and here I am mulling over cards about breaking up and the only card in the whole deck that makes me think of Christianity, and the song I had heard a million times before but never really listened to. Pairing the 3 signs I had seen days before reminding me of Jesus, with this experience of the cards and hearing the song, my conclusion is that Jesus is trying to get me to come back around.

Even though I am still a pagan, I believe I am being called to bring Jesus back into my life, even if I have other gods in my as well. My fiancé and I have very very similar religious beliefs and he was also raised a Christian. We were already worried about finding someone to officiate our wedding since we are basically christo-pagans and there are not any churches for that around here. We have decided to explore some Christian churches in our area and see if we can find one that will accept us for who we are and what we believe and will help us facilitate our relationship with Jesus the way that we want it.

The only card that really really threw me off was the page of wands. I wrote down "child or teenager", enthusiasm, education, and creative energy. This could possibly be about me. I'm always blabbing about how I think. Had more spiritual and psychic abilities as a child and learned to suppress them over time to fit in. Or, it could be telling me to look more at Jesus's life as a child for some answer or message...? I also took the four of swords to be telling me to relax in my pursuit of a higher power or the "answers". I pretty much have thought about spirituality and religion every day for he past 4 months, and I still don't have the "answers". I may never have all of the answers and I need to remind myself to relax and retreat from these thoughts sometimes and spend time with my family and my fiancé, and just be happy. As bad as I want to know the truth and the source of creation and all of that, I don't believe that any god wants me to obsess so much about this that I neglect the other important things I have in this life. If the answers to life can be found in only a few months then someone would have already found them and published a book about it by now. I need to remember that It could take me years to find the answers that I need and to be patient.

Thanks for reading!

Rosie Moonflower [ROSE]
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by Vesca »

I'm actually really glad you posted this update on the missing Tarot cards. ^^ I was going to sit down one day and go through the cards myself to see what they might be hinting at, but alas time has not been permitting lately. -.-
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Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

05/07/15

This is a story about me and the tree in my back yard.. I hurt it.. I've never really been one to tap into plant consciousness. I tend to tap into inanimate objects consciousness, mostly machines and furniture, but not really plants. I know about plant consciousness, but like I said I don't tap into it a lot.

So, I have this tree in my back yard. It sits right in an area where it floods and it's the only tree in the yard. It grows crooked and it's branches seem brittle. About a month ago, before the spring had officially arrived, I decided to build a fire in the fire pit, despite the fact that I had no kindle or lighter fluid. I had a couple of medium sized logs.

I scanned my yard for some twigs, and I picked up every fallen branch under the tree. It wasn't enough. I looked at the tree and the second highest brand was a decent size, but small enough to break. The tree was so brittle from winter I was able to easily pull down on the limb and rip it from the tree.

This made me feel good! I was feeling very "primitive". "I am woman, watch me build FIRE" type of feeling. I needed to cut the wood but I had so saw, so I held the limb in my hand and put the other end on the ground and lifted my foot up to stomp on the branch and break it in two. I had on large working boots, so I thought this seemed logical at the time. However, the branch didn't want to break, so it pulled across my hand and cut me pretty bad.

This sort of brought me back to reality. The more I thought about it the more I tapped into the trees consciousness and realized that I ripped off one of it's arms! And, to pay me back it scratched me.

Now, that spring is here the tree is alive again and green and beautiful. I bet the limb i tore off would have been pretty and helped provide more shade in my yard, but I selfishly tore off it's limb. I still look at the spot where I tore the limb off and cringe. I feel bad. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to apologize to the tree? I mean, if it were human you wouldn't just say sorry for tearing off someone's arm, it just wouldn't be enough. So what would be enough to make up for what I have done?

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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

05/31/15

Have you ever had one of those moments that just knocks the wind out of you? Literally shocks to you much you can't breathe? That happened to me on Friday.

I haven't been around be because my I'm a teacher and these have been the last few weeks of school for us. Very stressful stuff. Well I've been working like crazy and doing everything I can to do well and finding strong.

But, on Friday, I was told because of overstaffing I would be transferred to another school in the district. Before you go and remind me to be grateful I still have a job, please know that I am. And I told my administrators that when they told me about the transfer.

I'm just so disappointed. I put my heart and soul into that school. It is a new school in the district and it felt so great to be a part of starting a new school. A new school has so many traditions to build and I was a part of that where I was. Now, I'm going to the oldest school in the district where many have come and gone before me. The traditions are set and are strong. It may sound petty, but I loved my school. I'm just heartbroken overall. I cried the first two days. And, I'm still down a little.

However, as I said before, I am grateful to still have a job. I'm trying to embrace it. I tried to go buy a shirt representing the new school, but the store didn't have any. I'm just going to create an outfit with the schools colors instead. I have to go to my old school Monday-Wed. Next week to finish my contract, pack my things, and say my good-byes. It's going to be hard I know it.

I really put so much of my personal money into my classroom. And I'm gong to be peeling all that stuff away and boxing it up for the summer, not sure at all when I will meet with the new schools admin., have a key to my classroom, or even see my classroom for the first time. I think that's another reason it so upsetting. I'm just not sure what to expect. Where I was I was settled. I knew everyone and everything. And, I'm still a pretty new teacher so that allowed me to focus on my classroom and continue to learn how to improve. I just really got where I feel like I know what I'm doing!

And, I know it doesn't matter now, but 6 months ago my fiancé and I were looking at houses to buy. I fought hard for the one we are in because it is close to my work, even though the other one provided the country setting we both wanted. Well now, who cares! The other house is the same distance from the new school as my new house, maybe closer. And, what's the lesson to learn there? Don't worry about your daily commute when choosing a house? That's not practical. I just can't believe it I guess. Like, go figure!

I have lots to be thankful for, and I am. And, I promise not to dwell in this moment. But, this moment of sadness I am feeling, it is real, regardless of how many other great things I had in my life. My job meant so much to me because of the school I was at. And, I'm leaving that. I'm planning to get a tattoo soon. I was wanting one anyway. I'm getting " This too" on the inside of mule ft wrist, and " shall pass " on the inside of my right wrist. I had wanted to do this anyways, this just sort of solidified it for me. The phrase reminds us that life is ever changing. And, so we need to appreciate and cherish the good moments in life. And, if times are sad, then hold on, do not dwell in it and become depressed, soon it shall pass too. I'm very much looking forward to this addition of ink.
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

10/1/2015

Wow... I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote in this blog! I pretty much shut down after I learned about my transfer.. But, the good news is that I'm getting comfortable at my new school and things are going well. I really can't complain. It's bigger, and I miss the small school I was at and the teachers I made friends with, but it's not bad.

Spirituality I've been stale lately. I have so many thing going on, and I've not been good about making time for being spiritual. Wish I had more will power to do it.

I have been practicing a new form of Divination. I've been reading birds. I see birds a lot on my drive to work. I just look at them and the first thought or idea that pops in my mind is what I go with. It's been fun, not sure if it's legit though. But, it's a fun way to practice using intuition.

I posted on here about needing a spell to bring passion back into my fiancé and I's sex life. I did get a good response in private message and have been looking through other threads to try to put together something for us. I hope I have he spiritual energy to do it though. I've been feeling so drained lately. And, honestly, I'm doing this more for him than for me. I wouldn't even be doing a spell if he hadn't brought it up. But, I love him so so much, I really do. So I want him to be happy, so I'm going to try to build up my energy thinking about that. Saturday, I'm off to find a tiger's eye I'm told with help.

Rosie
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by evil ed »

Rosie, Did you find your tiger's eye?
By the prickling of my thumbs,
something Wiccan this way comes!
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

I did not. They didn't have one at the store that I know if that sells stones and crystals. :(

Rosie
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

10/12/15

Okay, I know this is "off topic" of what I've been talks about. But, today I and two bad "run ins" or disagreements or honesty negative conversations with my loved ones.

First, my fiancé is really into nfl football, but because we live in the "Bible Belt" we cannot purchase beer on Sundays. So I invited my fiancé to come and watch the game at the restaurant I work in. I could tell when he was coming he was slightly hesitant, but on the phone he didn't mention that he would like to hear the sound of the game, and that's not possible in the restaurant. I saw it as us both getting what we wanted. I wanted to drink beer and he wanted to watch football.

Well, upon arriving it because clear he wasn't wanting to chart or conversation which was about all I wanted to do, so we argued. I'm upset because we both have been together for quite some time and we both know our priorities. Mine are conversation and connections with people, and his are sports games. I'm saddened by our arguments because when we awake in the same bed this morning, we were happy and in love and considerate and appreciative and I didn't feel any of that between us just now when we were spending time at the restaurant with me. (He drinks too, before someone asks. He has been able to golf today while I was working so he had his social time.)

Then my brother..... I'll pay agin to explain my bother. It will take some carefully constructed wording to explain him fully Ina way for people to see him as I see him, and feel that's fair for him since I love him so much. Maybe I should save that for another post.


But, I just didn't realize today was going to be so conflicting for me with two of the people
I care the most about.

My thoughts here are...: can divination help with this? If I did divination everyday could I predict these conflicting moments and if I could, could I avoid them? Or, could I prevent them a way because I know they are coming..? Or, would it make any difference at all of I knew they were coming....?

Rosie
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

I have something to talk about but I'm not sure what section to post it in, so I'm just going to write it here. 6 years ago I visited a psychic in Washington DC. I had been reading cards for myself for over a year, and something just told me to go and get a reading done by someone else. I was out in that part of the country to visit family and convinced my cousin to go with me.

I went first and the woman laid out her spread. It was a very large spread that I didn't recognize. She told me that there was a man in my life, and I nodded. I knew not to tell her too much but to just answer her questions. She told me "he loves you very much", and I smiled. I had met a guy just days before I went on this trip. We had 2-3 dates right in a row and we were keeping in touch while I was gone. But I thought at this point she must just ask questions and try to say things that fit or would make the questioner happy. But, I kept playing along. She told me that he and I would marry and have 3 children, all boys. Well that seemed just crazy to me because I had just met the guy!

My cousin wasn't so sure about tarot but he did a palm reading. When we were leave by we compared stories. Apparently, she told him he would meet someone, marry, have 3 kids, all boys. So at that point I'm like "okay, she's a fraud, she just tells everyone the same thing".

So here I am 6+ years later and I'm planning my wedding which will be in 1 month. Guess who I'm marrying? That guy I barely knew 6 years ago that the psychic told me I would marry! Coincidence? Possibly. But, now I'm a little worried she might be correct about the 3 boys too.

See, up until recently, I really didn't want any children. I figured I would just save my money and travel. However, now that I'm closer to the big day, we own and home and have pets and simulate a little family, I'm leaning more towards having children after all. My career has been ups and downs the past 3 years. I'm a school teacher and I loved my job for the 1st two years. Only this year, my school district moved me to a new school and I absolutely hate it. I'm miserable. I'm not even teaching the subject I want to teach. It's very stressful and takes up so much more of my personal time than my old position. And, there is no way to go back to my old school unfortunately. (And, just to clarify, I didn't get moved because they don't like me, it's because I was doing so well they moved me to replace another teacher when they retired. And, no, I got no say in the matter, that's just how it works)

I'm 28 currently, about to turn 29. And, I intend to keep teacher no for at least 2 more years before having children. This will allow me to pay off student loans and save up some before having kids to pay for.

So I'm sitting her asking myself, if end up having children, how can I have 3 of them before I'm 40..? And, then it hit me. Triplets. My great great grandmother is a triplet. She and her multiple siblings were "natural" triplets, meaning they were convinced as triplets without the use of fertility treatments. Pretty rare. Also, the odds of multiples goes up when the mother is over 30. So, I'm wondering if I'm next in line to get the next set of triplets in our family?? I totally don't think that my fate is set. I know I can still "opt out" of having kids all together if I want, and I know that it's possible that I would have a single child and the psychic be wrong. But, still, I'm a little worried.

Since I'm not happy at my job anymore, I'm seriously considering having children and becoming a stay at home mom. Part of me is like "what a great idea!". But another part of me is like "you shouldn't have a kid just so you don't have to work, you should have a kid because you want to love and raise a kid." And, I can't help but wonder, if I take this course in life, what if I'd do get pregnant with multiples. Will that be so overwhelming that I will regret this decision all together? It would be so difficult to carry more than one baby, even I know that. And, being home with kids all day is no day off work, but I just feel like I might enjoy being home with my own kids more than I enjoy teaching now, but I don't want to put myself through a classic lesson of "the grass isn't always greener on the other side." I'm just really not sure which decision is the best for me and what will make me happy....?

Rosie
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Re: Rosie's Jou

Post by Becks »

Good thing you have time to make that descision. :) Nothing is written in stone. If you and your soon to be husband feel that you have so much love and want to have a family then do-for that reason. If you don't see that for yourselves then don't, and you have time. It's not a "today" descision. The other good news is that I have never heard a parent say they didn't fall in love with their children....no matter the outcome. Take your time. Think about it. It's a big descision, but exciting. How does your soon to be husband feel about it?
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Yes, lots of time. But time goes so fast! This year has flown by! I've been planning this wedding for a year now. Last year we bought a house, and decided not to do wedding and house in the same year. Too expensive. We're getting married March 19.

My fiancé says he's happy either way, but wishes I would make up my mind. I've been so back and forth on the issue lately. That's probably why I'm feeling pressure to decide. On day I say no way, then the next I'll be asking him what his family names are. I don't blame him for wanting me to decide. It's probably very confusing for him too.

When we met, we both say we weren't interested in kids, but interested in traveling instead. That was the plan. But, about a year, I guess when we got engaged really, is when I started to consider it a possibility. I told him how I felt and he agreed and said that he would be happy if we did, but also happy if we went with our original plan. But, I've been going back and forth on the issue since then. Typical man and woman. I'm still debating he answer and he just wants to know what the plan is. [WINKING FACE]
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Re: Rosie's Journey

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So it finally happened. My future mother in law finally said something to my fiancé about my belief system. I know it would happen eventually. She cornered me in a car one time to confront me about what I believe. I told her I didn't believe every word of the bible to be true. She asked for an example. I chose a stupid one, to tell her at least, because I was put on the spot. I told her I didn't believe in heaven or hell. What I meant was, I don't believe God is an old man who live in the sky and that's where heaven is. And, I don't believe hell is in the core of the earth and is ruled by a half man half goat fallen angel type entity. She was totally unnerved. So I thought for a second and changed courses. I went with evolution instead. I said, or like I don't believe the earth was created in 7 days. I believe in evolution. She more unnerved. She eventually bought me some book called "the evolution of a creationist", some book about an academic who become essentially what I would call a "born again" Christian who despite his studies in science believes full heartily in the creation story. I attempted to read it in case she asked me, but I only managed to get half way through. All of the arguments are backed up with scripture so it's like for me, that doesn't prove the argument, because I don't believe every single word of the bible is true.

Sooooo we went and met with my finances cousin recently and asked him to be the official at our wedding since we do not attend church and he is such a great friend to us and just an over all really cool guy. He is also very religious and is a Christian. He asked us if we wanted any bible verses read and we declined. I gave him this:
Image

I said I was open to other suggestions but if there were none, I liked this reading about love. I figured he could read it and talk about love from his point of view since he has been happily married over 10 years. He said "do you want me to talk about love in general or do you want me to talk about what the bible says love is?" You can imagine my blank stare in response. So I'm like, probably just live in general would be good.

Well so of course, he tells his wife, his wife tells my finances mother and she calls him and has a fit because I don't believe in heaven or hell. So it caused a fight between my fiancé and his mother. He obviously defended me which made her more upset. He also pointed out to her that she had plenty of bible verses read at her wedding and she still got divorced. He called me and we talked and I felt bad. Mostly because I'm a peacekeeper and I hate that there was any conflict at all. And, because I know it's not just the wedding. She's worried overall that we are believing in the "correct" way. And, I know she can't help this, it's what she's been taught to believe. And, I know it's all because she loves her son and wants what's best for him and believes that being a typical Christian is what's best.

I'm considering texting the cousin who is to officiate and letting him know that if he finds a verse and it relates to what I already asked him to read, then he can use it in his address. This will hopefully pacify her, and keep the whole family off her back. My family wouldn't mind hearing some bible reference as well. And, I DO still believe in Jesus. I just believe in a whole whole lot more as well, and since I can't represent everyone, I just figured I would have more of a secular wedding. We just don't want the same old same old Corinthians verse, and I certainly don't want the verse about marriage is between and man and woman.

I'm just feeling slightly unsettled about the entire thing because I can't actually ever explain to his family what I believe because they just don't have the capacity to even grasp it. They don't have a foundation to understand things outside of the bible, and they don't even understand half of the things IN the bible for that matter. I just know this isn't over and I'm dreading the whole frantic thing...

Rosie
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by bluejay_1919 »

I completely understand where you're coming from. My first advice for you is to do exactly what you and your fiance want to do for YOUR wedding. Yes, his family and your family will be there but it is not about them. You will not be intimately spending your life with his mother or whoever...just him. If he knows you and understands you, that is all that matters in the end. But if you have your wedding to benefit everyone else, you may regret it down the road, or maybe not. I have know many ladies that wish they would have done things differently even after 10+ years later. And the one common denominator in all of their stories is that they did the ceremony to accommodate everyone else, not themselves.

We both grew up in Christian religions and strayed as we became adults. When it was time to play our wedding we made sure it was for us. While we still honored our parents, and of course, everyone else that attended, the ceremony was completely us...not them.

When my father passed away, I was worried that my mother's Baptist family would take over and that was NOT my Daddy. My hubby and I planned his funeral like we planned our wedding and it was beautifully peaceful. One of the funeral directors pulled me to the side and told me in 15 years, she had never seen such a peaceful and sweet funeral that was actually about the man it was for...not a church sermon. She thanked me for letting her witness it. The most important thing was that we made the funeral about my dad...celebrated his life. We had cookies served at the end ( he loved them) and my father in law read poetry, while my husband read my goodbye letter. We had music from the 1920's -1940's playing the whole time and had a young man play taps ( WW2 vet) as the military men carried his casket and folded the flag.

Our wedding was just as touching. I know your future mother in law is being a pain, but hang in there. Mine can still be a pain, but in the end, she knows I'm a good person even if she doesn't agree with my Buddha's throughout my home hahaha. If you're not sure about having the Christian stuff brought into your wedding then don't do it. I promise, others will get over it.

If you want to hear more about how we honored our family in our ceremony you can PM(or email) me!

* a side note...we've been married 10 years in March and my mother in law still doesn't know what we believe in or don't believe in. It's unfortunately, for her a sore subject and she isn't open minded enough for us to open up to her about any of it. She gets mad and emotional just at what she does know about us. We just don't go there, with her. It is what it is.
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Re: Rosie's Journey

Post by bluejay_1919 »

Sorry about all the typos and mispelled words!! My thumbs and auto-spell correct on my phone are not cooperating!
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Rosie's Journey

Post by RosieMoonflower »

Well, the wedding has finally come and gone! It was beautiful and everything I could have asked for! It went by so quickly I wish it could have lasted longer! My cousin in law who was the official managed to squeeze some Christian things into my ceremony, some without asking, but that's life I guess... He asked me the night before the wedding if he could open with a prayer, I was like "um.. Well... Maybe we can talk about it more" which "bothered" him I could tell. But, I felt like, I've already bent on a lot at this point, and I have no idea what you're going to say in that prayer, so I'd just rather not.. I'm sure eventually my mother in law will corner me about it and demand to know what I have against prayer... Which is nothing but you know how people can be... Sigh...

Now for my rant.... After the wedding we spent a wonderful week in the beautiful Dominican Republic. We swam, we drank, we snorkled, we just had a great time! But, when we came home, I had to hit the ground running with work. However, I received some news when I returned that has been exciting but also stressful. (Slight back ground info: Last year, I was transferred to teach at another school in my district. I wasn't very happy about this but you have to do what you have to do. So when I got to the new school they offered me my choice of 2 different positions. I accepted the one that I was the most comfortable with. However, after this I met with another teacher in the building who was really wanting that position for herself. Since she was the only person I knew going into this school, I wanted to keep her as a friend and ally at work. If you're a teacher you know how important allies can be. So basically 2 months into the school year I completely regretted not doing what I had originally accepted. I'm not comfortable teaching what I'm teaching and without turning this into a sob story, there are just a ton of disadvantages to what I'm doing now and they are overwhelming me.)

So when I returned to work my colleague, who has the position I wish I had, comes to tell me things are not going well. You see the position I turned down was to be the cheer coach. I grew up cheerleading because my mother was a cheer coach. The position I ended up with, is culinary arts, which is so hard because I was a vegetarian for years, and my kitchen skills are limited.. So the person who got the cheer coach position is not getting along with the other coach she has to work with. She wants to quit coaching and just teach. Well, the administrators are telling her that there's no way she's going to get out of coaching without getting out of her teaching position altogether. She really does not want to lose her job over this. Myself, on the other hand, I would love to be the cheerleading coach. I would love to do nothing but coach cheerleading all day. I have the qualifications and the knowledge to teach the subject that she teaches. So I couldn't help, but I went to talk to her, and I suggested a simple switch. I just wanted to see how she felt about it. I know there is no way they will let me teach culinary arts and be the cheerleading coach. There are just not enough hours in the day to do both of those things. Both require a lot of extra time outside of the normal school day. So the only way that the administration might let me be the cheerleading coach, is if I switch with the current coach, and she teaches culinary arts and I teach her subject.

Even though she acted like she was interested in the switch, later she determined that she would rather fight the administration and try to keep her job and get rid of the cheerleading. It was so disappointing to me to hear this. I had just gotten so very excited about the possibility of changing my position and doing something I know something about. And to hear that she didn't want to do the simple switch made me very sad. It would not be appropriate for me to approach the administrators about my interest in being the cheer coach until that position is officially open and available, and as of right now she is still in the position. So I feel like I have no way to go and let the administrators know that I'm interested in it and I'm afraid that they might try to find someone else without asking me if I would be interested in it. The whole situation has caused me quite a bit of anxiety because of course I just really wanted to work out for me and I feel like I have no way of moving towards what I want it. I guess you could say I feel stuck. It's like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but your feet are nailed to the ground and you can't move towards that light, it's just very frustrating. And none of this is to mention the fact that my colleague now has gotten her union rep involved. Nothing makes an administrator more angry,or less likely to work with you then getting your union rep involved. They hate the unions! I am a part of the union but I would never involve the union over something like this. For me to even call my union rep it would have to be something serious like allegations of sexual abuse that are not true or some kid saying I smacked him when I didn't you know something really big like that. Like a parent trying to sue me over something crazy that's when you get your union rep involved not about the teaching assignment that you have been given that you do not want anymore.i'm afraid to try to approach my administration and discuss myself wanting to step in and take over her position because I do not want to be associated with this union rep drama whatsoever in the eyes of my administrator. I feel like if I go to the administration and suggest the switch myself they will just assume that I am lumped in with all this union rep drama and I'm not I have no intentions of calling my union rep for any reason regarding the situation. All I can do is wait. All I can do is sit and hope and pray that they come up with the idea of switching us on their own. Just hope and pray that they don't go and fill the position without ever opening it up to the public or current staff. OK sorry, rant over.

Rosie
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