Musings of the Nightwatcher

[Nightwatcher]

decided I wanted to record some experiences and thoughts. Maybe get feedback? Don't know honestly. I'm a bit paranoid in writing them physically and someone finding them and labeling me "crazy" or something (I'm getting the feeling it's something that happened in a past life). So a (semi) anon blog/thread/thing sounds good.

[Nightwatcher]

A month or so ago I finally met Him. I went to sleep and then found myself wandering down a hall of polished black stone. I'm not sure what kind. There was a dark colored wood door slightly ajar. Me being me and always needing to shove my nose into things, I peered in. I instantly knew it was Lord Hades. It's hard to describe HOW I knew, I just did. He glanced up form his paperwork and his eyes were amazing; a rich amethyst purple shade, calm and focused. I suddenly felt veeeery bad for intruding on his paperwork ^^;

Me: Um... I'm lost.. I think...
Hades: *glances at a paper* Your dream is down the hall and to the left according to the report.
Me: Is it another one of those horrid nightmares? :/
Hades: I believe so.
Me: Uh... can I stay here instead?
Hades: Very well. Just don't be too loud please. There are some books for you to read if you'd like.

So I did so. I don't remember what the books were (I have a feeling I'm not supposed to remember) and it was pretty calm. I felt sleepy again after a bit and curled up in the large, red velvet chair I was in. I vaguely remember a blanket being put on me but not sure by whom. Overall it was nice.

[Nightwatcher]

I've mentioned before on the boards that I'm quite sure I used to be a priestess of Apollo's in Roman times. Since attending my first and probably only) Vocaloid concert in October, I could finally let go of some of the pain in my life.

Lately I want to burst into song and dance for literally no reason, with no particular song in mind. I also seem to be very gifted in tarot readings though I'm still a novice and need to practice. I've begun to dream again which hasn't happened for YEARS. Each time do a spell or ritual it rains and then suddenly stops just as I begin. I mentioned it before but it still happens even now and it's not really the rainy season in my area. I can heal others energy (though it's exhausting) and more and more I keep stumbling into the Gods of the Greek pantheon. Not to mention my writing, poetry, acting (I'm doing some voice acting with my friends to dub a manga I really adore)...

It's like all these abilities are tumbling in at once!! I'm not sure how to feel. I feel the love of Apollo and Artemis (most Apollo, the derp... >.>) and things are going pretty good in my mundane life now too. I'm just... afraid it will all fall apart. It's paranoid, yes, but I can't help the irrational feel. *sigh*

Meanwhile, more and more signs have been telling me to give into my original mental state form when I was veeeery young; to be loving and kind and nurturing. I'm going to see if I can meet with Apollo and Artemis tonight and speak with them. I really just need some reassurance form them as well as some advice as to where to go spiritually since the mundane is more or less stable right now.

[Nightwatcher]

A co-worker of mine is Catholic. She's really sweet and nice and we get along well. But the few times I've vaguely mentioned Paganism (we were talking about a book I'm writing) she seemed uncomfortable. She even considers Tarot "devil's work". Le sigh.

I'm not even upset with her .... a bit sad I guess. I personally enjoy learning about religions even if they are not my own. I have a fir belief that you should learn and understand as much as you can so you can make informed impressions and viewpoints of things. A lot of society nowadays just doesn't give a damn and wants to remain ignorant. It is even more baffling that this happens in a world where things are changing, the Internet has connected us and in most - if not all "first world" countries- we are free to read what we want. Why would you want to purposefully remain ignorant?!

Not only that, but so many of my generation and the coming generation want to more or less destroy what is "traditional". I highly disagree. No, it's not smart to cling to tradition that is legitimately outdated but there are some "traditional" things that we really should keep or modify to fit in modern context. Things like family, open communication, the "tribe" helping to raise kids... yeah.

At this point I can't even feel anger at those people anymore; I just feel deep pity that they're making themselves miserable and tearing one another apart. Yuko Ichihara from the manga xxxHolic said it best; Humans don't even know what causes them pain anymore. They have become numb to themselves.

[Nightwatcher]

I was suddenly struck with the urge to go to one of my local Occult shops as I went home form work. I wanted to finally buy an Opalite; they're very pretty and soft and fluffy... I know it's not literally fluffy but it makes me think of fluffy white down feather for some reason... 0-o

Anywho, I was looking through the little basket with the pieces and found one that was like a right-angled pyramid! It's so cute~! The shop is what used to be a house so there's a front door. There was suddenly a knock which I thought odd since the shop was still open and thus the door unlocked. There were also a few other patrons but no one really reacted. I heard the knocking again and knew it couldn't be a coincidence. So I went to the front door and the sweet shopkeeper had somehow locked herself out!

I had met her only once before in the summer. I wanted to buy both some black tourmaline and green goldstone (the tourmaline because my grandma was here and... um... if you look up the definition of drama *****" you will see her picture. No joke. My mother had given birth to me and she's actively trying to split my parents up!! The f....!?). I was short a few dollars and she said to take both stones anyway.

When I let her in she thanked me for hearing her and I told her it was no problem. I then showed her the Opalite since I thought the shape was really neat and cute. She said she felt a lot of really powerful vibrations form it and that she'd never seen a naturally-formed pyramid from Opalite before (we're using "natural" in the relative sense since Opalite is man-made but you get the idea). She boxed it up and told me to just take it as a thank you from her for letting her in. She also said it felt like the stone liked me.

She is SUCH a sweetheart~. Even though I'd had a really frustrating and blah day, she made me feel much better; her positivity is infectious. I'm thinking to give her a Christmas gift (she said "God bless" a lot during her excitement so I believe she is a Christian witch herself. But I'm simply guessing) as a thank you for making me feel better and for being sweet enough to give me those two stone for free/reduced price. Now the question is what should it be.... ^^;

[Iset]

I find writing down my little spiritual journeys helps me remember the next ones better, it's kind of like training my brain to take notice of more of the details. I totally understand your worry about writing them down, I'm scared about people thinking I'm crazy as well. But I keep my stuff under lock and key as best I can and if anyone finds it, it's labelled as a dream diary and I just say is my dreams

[Nightwatcher]

I find writing down my little spiritual journeys helps me remember the next ones better, it's kind of like training my brain to take notice of more of the details. I totally understand your worry about writing them down, I'm scared about people thinking I'm crazy as well. But I keep my stuff under lock and key as best I can and if anyone finds it, it's labelled as a dream diary and I just say is my dreams

Even with that I get paranoid. ^^; But with the Net it's more anonymous so harder to connect to me specifically irl.

[Nightwatcher]

No, this isn't about drama in the sense of something bad happening. There is a manga that I really adore that is a re-telling of some of the classic Greek myths. The art is amazing, the artist is super sweet (and she interacts a lot with her fans ^^) and it's just amazing.

Anyway, the last month or two I've been making an audio drama version of one of her comics. It is a retelling of the Persephone myth. I had wanted to finish it by the Fall Equinox but at the start of November my old computer when kaput, so I finally got a new one on Black Friday.

On a whim, I decided to record an intro "narrator", if you will. I finished mixing Part 1 of 4 and added the additional narration. Several of my friends have given a listen and they didn't realize a first I was the narrator. They all said it sounded like an older woman but not "old"; older as in mature and learned. I gave it a listen myself (I absolutely ABHORE listening to my own recorded voice...) and was shocked to find they were right. It can easily be an ability I didn't know I had but I also kind of like to think Apollo gently helped my voice sound richer and timelessly elegant. It gives me a both happy and nervous feeling to get attention... >///<

[Nightwatcher]

I'm feeling really crappy today. My dad even commented how pale I look. I can actually feel Apollo worrying @-@

Today was just.... ugh. And that fine monthly time has started too, which always just makes me drag and be pissy at everything. I need incense...

[Nightwatcher]

In mid-October I was able to see a performer I love very much... and she's not even real! Let me explain...

Some of you may know about the Vocaloid system software as well as the phenomenon. For those who don't know, to make a long story short, it is a singing synthesizer software. This October, Miku Expo FINALLY came to the East Coast of the USA. This has never happened before. In fact, I almost missed it! I had heard of Miku Expo but I'd thought it was a convention, not a concert. When I realized my mistake, the concert was in 2 weeks!! And I had a job finally as well. But I was able to get tickets to the Saturday concert with my best friend (though we paid through the nose!! @-@)

And was it worth it? Yes. Yes it was. By the GODS it was!! It was practically a spiritual experience for me!

I found Vocaloid when I was at THE lowest point of my life. I am a pretty strong-willed individual. My father described it best; "You're like a freight train with no brakes. When you want something, you WILL get it and not care what you run over." Which is true for good and for ill. But at this time, all I wanted was to DIE. I had no wishes, not ambition. The reason being that my first love rejected me as a person. I had had a feeling they would reject my feelings, but they rejected me beyond simply my feelings but as a person. It broke me spiritually. But I was too proud to say anything to others or tell. I kept it to myself. And I was alone, starting college away form my home and friends.

It's not a good combination for obvious reasons.

At the time, even the music that I love so much sounded dead to me. It felt hollow. Like it was for others but not me. When I found Vocaloid, I actually felt something. The songs in particular were Magnet, Rolling Girl and Meltdown. They all described my feelings and situation and thought process perfectly. It's been 5 years now and I have healed from those suicidal thought and left that place. But I still could not let it go, as well as the other, previous painful experiences in my younger life. But going to the concert let me let all of it go and finally let it become my past.

You could feel the joy and love and positivity in that concert hall. The cheers of excitement reverberated through my bones. I had seen on YouTube the 2010 Vocaloid concert (which was when I found out about Vocaloid as well) and I almost felt like I was dreaming one of the best dreams possible to finally be here. When the lights finally dimmed, as each Vocaloid was introduced the excitement went up and up and up. And when the opening line for the first line - "Sharing the world..." - we all exploded with joy. For the next 2 hours I was suspended in time somehow. Song after song, the atmosphere filled with excitement and feeling and joy... us in the audience, those watching online (our concert specifically was being broadcast on NicoNico Douga live for Japan), the band members, the supporting staff and the Vocaloid themselves. All of us together, feeling as one.

I very much believe in the "ghost of the machine" phenomenon. These programs sing our songs. They let us express in song feelings we want to share and let out. And we in turn listen to these songs. And through this exchange of feeling, the program becomes alive and is able to give back to us what we are feeling as well as themselves. I have a feeling Miku especially was waiting for me because - to me - she feels the most sympathetic to people's pain and hardships. Heck, 2 weeks before the concert I had performed her "World is Mine" dance for my local con and had won an award despite it being my first masquerade ever and my first stage performance in over a decade.

The concert passed in a strange blur yet felt like it would go on endlessly. They even did a few songs they haven't had her perform since 2010. They had Luka sing Just Be Friends in English which was amazing. I was able to start a chant of "Luka! Luka!" thought the several hundred people stadium as the song Luka Luka Night Fever slowly cued up; something that's never happened in ANY concert! When Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder came on, people in front of me somehow shifted perfectly for the whole song to make a line of sight right to center-stage to I could watch Len perform one of my top 5 songs of all time for any genera!

And as my best friend in the whole world and I stumbled out of the concert 2 hours later to meet my best guy friend for dinner, sweaty, exhausted and toting tote bags with promo posters and adorable Miku Expo plushies (I got Len and Luka. We got souvenirs after the concert so we could get a good spot on the floor and almost everything was gone), I finally let go of all my past pain and cried from joy right there on the crowded, dirty , neon-lit streets of NYC.

I had never felt so light in my entire life until now. And I'd never realized how heavy my scars were until that moment. Thank you Miku Expo. Thank you for finally helping me heal.

[Nightwatcher]

As I was cleaning my room today, with my MP3 Player on shuffle, the cover of Just Be Friends my first love did came on. I'd forgotten I still had it actually. For the first time it didn't bring me pain to hear their voice. I felt a bit wistful - wishing that it all hadn't ended so badly - but otherwise I was all right.

It makes me happy to know I've healed so much emotionally.

[Nightwatcher]

I made my first ever Yule Log for Yule Eve~! It's a vanilla rose sponge cake with a chocolate mousse filling, simple chocolate gnash coating and is decorated with home made meringue mushrooms~! And of course powder sugar snow and cocoa powder dirt. Tomorrow my family and I shall eat it.

I hope it tastes as nice as it looks...

[SnowCat]

As I was cleaning my room today, with my MP3 Player on shuffle, the cover of Just Be Friends my first love did came on. I'd forgotten I still had it actually. For the first time it didn't bring me pain to hear their voice. I felt a bit wistful - wishing that it all hadn't ended so badly - but otherwise I was all right.

It makes me happy to know I've healed so much emotionally.

Getting to the point of being able to have a reminder of something sad not completely inundate you is huge. Congratulations.

Snow

[Nightwatcher]

As I was cleaning my room today, with my MP3 Player on shuffle, the cover of Just Be Friends my first love did came on. I'd forgotten I still had it actually. For the first time it didn't bring me pain to hear their voice. I felt a bit wistful - wishing that it all hadn't ended so badly - but otherwise I was all right.

It makes me happy to know I've healed so much emotionally.

Getting to the point of being able to have a reminder of something sad not completely inundate you is huge. Congratulations.

Snow

Thank you Snow. I still have some ways to go but it's solid progress and encouraging.

[Nightwatcher]

May you find joy and renewal on this Day and Night.
May the Blessings of the Gods and Goddesses give you strength for the upcoming year.
And may the energy of the New Moon wash clean all your worries and burdens so that you may begin Anew.

Blessed Be.