My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

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julietaw
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My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by julietaw »

My boyfriend is really big on me not keeping secrets... So after a while (I've known him for about four years before we started to date) I told him that I am pagan. I didn't tell him that I was wiccan because I knew he would deffinitly be worried. I also told him that I work with Loki, he begged me to stop working with Loki. Since I told him of my religion he invites me to go to church with him every Wednesday and Sunday, which I politely decline. He's gotten his family to ask me to church to which I also politely decline. He has told me that he will continue to try to convert me to save me. I've told him many times that I've tried being Christian and it doesn't go along with my belifes, and it doesn't feel right to me.

I was wondering if any of you have gone through this and what you did.

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Sakura Blossom
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Sakura Blossom »

I dropped him, in all honesty. I don't mean to sound harsh, because I understand he's your boyfriend and someone special to you. (: It's very hard to handle situations where our loved ones don't support what we do. My father doesn't understand it, but he somewhat supports it. I can understand, though, because I've had other people do this to me and also tried talking to a guy who was very Christian to try and date. I've since decided not to date/marry anyone who is of an opposing religion, because I have found that unfortunately, a majority of those people will prefer someone who can support their religion and go to church with them to share in their belief system. Now, not everyone is like this, of course, but I've seen many people with this problem.

I really do hope that you can get him to see your point of view, and realize how important this is to you. If he truly cares about you, he won't try and force his beliefs onto you. Unless he really, really cares and truly believes that you 'need to be saved' and this is out of concern for your well being. It could really go either way.

Just keep trying to talk to him, and telling him how important this is and help him to see that everything will be alright.

(Also, HI FELLOW LOKI WORKER. xD)
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Xiao Rong
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Xiao Rong »

Hey Juliet! I haven't personally dated someone who tried to evangelize me, but I grew up in a predominantly Christian area, so I'm not a stranger to unwelcome conversion attempts (including from my best friend in high school ... with whom I am not friends with anymore). I think that mixed faith couples can work (my current boyfriend of 5+ years is not a pagan), but the key element is respect. Different couples have different arrangements (whether it's each person practicing their own faith privately, or both being very supportive of one another), and sometimes it takes a little while to find that happy middle ground where both people can be spiritually fulfilled despite conflicting belief systems. This may require some negotiation, such as, "I can go to church with you to support YOU in your faith, but I am not interested in converting, and in return I get to have an altar to Loki at home" (for example -- I just made that one up).

But the way it sounds to me, his repeated insistence that you go with him to church (and getting his family to try to convert you), even over your consistent refusals, is a pretty significant red flag that points to a deeper problem. Sakura is right that he may care so much about you that he will do anything to save your eternal soul or whatnot, but regardless, I think it's a sign that he doesn't respect you enough to let you decide your own values and beliefs, and that he won't take "no" for an answer. At some point, you may need to lay down a firm boundary and say something along the lines of, "Listen, I am very happy with my spirituality, and I am not interested in Christianity. This is not up for debate." And if he continues to disregard that, then, I'm not sure that it's going to be a healthy relationship anyways.
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Sakura Blossom
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Sakura Blossom »

Xiao Rong wrote:And if he continues to disregard that, then, I'm not sure that it's going to be a healthy relationship anyways.
I'm really glad you said this (and everything else you said), because this was something that was really hard for me to learn and accept. (: When I was talking to the guy I was interested in, we had EVERYTHING in common and everyone kept telling me to go for it. Then I realized, I never asked about the things that were REALLY important to me, such as my faith and paranormal beliefs. I finally asked, and he told me he didn't believe in the supernatural/paranormal because of his religion and there were some other things as well that didn't fit in with this. I tried SO HARD to ignore my feelings and inner voice telling me this was wrong and that I just had to ignore it. I had so many people telling me to go for it, since we had so much in common and no guy is perfect, but in the end I realized that having someone who shared in my beliefs (or at least supported them and didn't bad talk them) would be much better for me. I personally want someone who I can share in it with, but again, that's a personal preference and everyone is different.
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Echo_of_shadows »

Maybe this would be a good time to step back and take a look at your relationship as a whole. Are there other areas in your life that he disagrees with? Today it might be "Honey, I don't agree with your beliefs, change them," then tomorrow it might be "Honey, you should dress a certain way," or "Honey, maybe you should stop hanging out with you best friend, I don't like her." I'm not saying this is the case, or that it happens all the time, but please take care when someone else tries to tell you what's best for you.
Perhaps a heart to heart conversation is in order. You both can agree to sit together and openly talk about your beliefs without the other interrupting. Talk about what your path is about and even what works for you on your path, as well as what doesn't work for you on other paths.
If you're comfortable with the idea, you can go with him to church a couple times. But in return maybe he could do something with you. He doesn't have to participate in a ritual, or do something specific to a Pagan path. You can have him go with you to volunteer at an animal shelter, or help clean up a local park. Maybe he will ease up if he sees that your not worshiping Satan in your free time or that you won't burn upon setting foot in a church. Show him that you're just as ordinary a person as he is.
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Opal~Ink
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Opal~Ink »

julietaw wrote:My boyfriend is really big on me not keeping secrets.
This seems iffy to me, personally. Many people, if not all, need to be able to keep parts of themselves to themselves, even within a relationship, and their partners need to respect that. Combined with his reaction, my first thought was that he's controlling.

There seems to be compatability issues here, and if he can't respect your path, and continues trying to convert you after you've explained what it means to you and corrected his false assumptions about what it is you do, you might just not be good for each other.

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Nightwatcher
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Nightwatcher »

Opal~Ink wrote:
julietaw wrote:My boyfriend is really big on me not keeping secrets.
This seems iffy to me, personally. Many people, if not all, need to be able to keep parts of themselves to themselves, even within a relationship, and their partners need to respect that. Combined with his reaction, my first thought was that he's controlling.

There seems to be compatability issues here, and if he can't respect your path, and continues trying to convert you after you've explained what it means to you and corrected his false assumptions about what it is you do, you might just not be good for each other.
While I agree that even as a couple you should still have some independence, I think when someone of the couple says "secrets" I mean if one of them s going through a hard time but keeping quiet about it, or if they had something bad/scary happen to them. Not necessarily where they are everyone moment. That's how I always understood it anyway. ^^;
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seidkonacat
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by seidkonacat »

julietaw wrote:My boyfriend is really big on me not keeping secrets... So after a while (I've known him for about four years before we started to date) I told him that I am pagan. I didn't tell him that I was wiccan because I knew he would deffinitly be worried. I also told him that I work with Loki, he begged me to stop working with Loki. Since I told him of my religion he invites me to go to church with him every Wednesday and Sunday, which I politely decline. He's gotten his family to ask me to church to which I also politely decline. He has told me that he will continue to try to convert me to save me. I've told him many times that I've tried being Christian and it doesn't go along with my belifes, and it doesn't feel right to me.

I was wondering if any of you have gone through this and what you did.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has good intentions, but I know from experience that going out with someone who is trying to change you will only end very, very badly. It's happened to me with previous boyfriends.

My most recent boyfriend of four years (who died earlier this year) was Jewish. I'm Pagan. He knew about it and was perfectly okay with it, as was I with his religion. Neither one of us pressured the other to change our religious views, or attend religious ceremonies that would make us uncomfortable. We had some interesting and enlightening discussions, but if either of us ever got "preachy" (and both of us did by accident, at one time or another--we're only human, after all) we would gently call the other person out and explain that their words or attitudes were discomfiting. For us, that system worked very well.

Try explaining to your boyfriend that his constant talk of conversion and "saving" makes you uncomfortable. Don't ask him to stop--tell him to stop pressuring you, to stop inviting you to church, and to stop trying to "save" your soul. You have to make him understand that his behavior is detrimental to your relationship and is not okay. It isn't his job to convert and save you--as your boyfriend, it is his job to care about you and support your decisions--as you should try and support his. If he doesn't quit it, it seems to me that he cares more for his own comfort and values than for yours, and that the relationship might not be a healthy one.

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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Nightwatcher »

Well said seidkonacat. *nod*
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by seidkonacat »

Xiao Rong wrote: But the way it sounds to me, his repeated insistence that you go with him to church (and getting his family to try to convert you), even over your consistent refusals, is a pretty significant red flag that points to a deeper problem. Sakura is right that he may care so much about you that he will do anything to save your eternal soul or whatnot, but regardless, I think it's a sign that he doesn't respect you enough to let you decide your own values and beliefs, and that he won't take "no" for an answer. At some point, you may need to lay down a firm boundary and say something along the lines of, "Listen, I am very happy with my spirituality, and I am not interested in Christianity. This is not up for debate." And if he continues to disregard that, then, I'm not sure that it's going to be a healthy relationship anyways.
I agree. Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. At some point, you need to lay down the law. I used to be very uncomfortable being assertive in relationships, but I've learned that it has to be done.

It is ALWAYS okay, no matter what the situation, to say to you significant other "I don't like what you are doing and I want you to stop." Not as a request, but as a statement. Many people apply this to physical aspects of a relationship, but it is equally applicable to any aspect--including pushing someone to do something they are not comfortable with. Whether it's a sexual act or going to a church you don't believe in, no one has the right to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

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Opal~Ink
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Opal~Ink »

Nightwatcher wrote:
While I agree that even as a couple you should still have some independence, I think when someone of the couple says "secrets" I mean if one of them s going through a hard time but keeping quiet about it, or if they had something bad/scary happen to them. Not necessarily where they are everyone moment. That's how I always understood it anyway. ^^;
yes, I'm probably reading too much into that bit.

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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by YanaKhan »

Unfortunately mix - religion relationships don't work well most of the time. And people who try to change you so you could fit their idea of perfection instead of building the idea of perfection around you, are not always the best choice either. From my experience with a devoted christian, there is no right way to act. If you do agree and he manages to convert you, he will never be pleased - he will always assume you are practicing in secret or you don't really believe and do go to church because of him. If you don't, then he may even break up with you. I had a boyfriend who was very very religious and he would ask me all the time if I would go to church if it wasn't for him. And the truth is, I wouldn't ever set foot in the church if it wasn't for him. I told him what he wanted to hear, but he knew I was not honest with him. I did try. I even prayed every night. It just doesn't work that way. Even if you do drop all your practices and become a christian again, you will be unhappy. Try and explain that to him. If he doesn't get it, try and ask him what would it be for him if you asked him to give up christianity and make him pray to Loki. If he still doesn't get it (or gets preachy and tries to convince you that christianity is the only rightful religion and so on), I can tell things are not going the right way.
I know it's sometimes very hard to face the truth. And the truth here is you will only be happy when you can be yourself with somebody. And that somebody is not grumpy when you are being yourself also.
I am with Echo here - today it's your beliefs. What would it be tomorrow? Will he ever be happy with who you are? Do you have to put up with it? Do you really have to change for somebody?
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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by TwilightDancer »

Not trying to sound mean-but that doesn't seem like it's his decision to make. He can't tell you who to be spiritually. When I came out of the "Broom closet" to my husband, he was surprised, but he didn't expect me to change who I am. He's happy that I'm happy. A relationship requires compromise not conforming or submission.



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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Moonfire »

Honestly, this will be a very tough decision to make, but you should probably drop him. He doesn't have to share your beliefs but he SHOULD respect them. You came to him in trust and in good faith and he does not want to respect the faith that you have chosen to follow. If he cannot respect your beliefs (in ANYTHING religion or whatever) then he is not good to be in a relationship. Your chosen partner should support you in whatever you choose to do. Support does not mean you have to feel the same way or even agree with it, but you can back your loved one.

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Re: My boyfriend doesn't want me to be wiccan?

Post by Evanoir »

Two important things to get across here. First, let him know not only how important your religion is to you, but also that it does in fact make you a better person. Secondly, stress that while you understand that he trying to convert you is out of love, it's not something you're comfortable with.
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