Feel like I should do a new intro...

[Gray Pool]

I've gone through many things since I joined here in May... many things. I've been near to committing suicide and I've learned new things, discovered new things about myself. My whole life has changed. I've matured in many ways. Throughout the past months, I discovered my origins, fell in and out of Wicca, lost most of not all of my friends, and found new ones.
I suppose I should say why I've been falling in and out of Wicca.
When I first started it, a year ago, I was mainly interested in it for the spells and charms. But as I learned more, I faced a terrible decision that plagued me for almost two months after that-to leave god and become Wiccan. I was horribly paranoid and some nights I even hallucinated, my worst nightmares crawlings up the walls, and what was supposed to gaurd them from me couldn't stop them, only make be feel better. Looking back on that, It could be a metaphor for my situation at the time-I was terrified and scared, and my 'god' did nothing to protect me. I was so scared, terrified that I was going to hell. When I turned to the goddess and the god, along with other pantheons and deities, my fear eased so quickly it seemed as if I had never had been curled up othe ground, screaming in fear like a trapped animal, all those nights ago. My new gods felt right. When the night terrors resurfaced, all I had to do was call upon them, and then they were there, protecting and guiding. I had rituals every sabbath. I couldn't do active spells or rituals but I reserved those nights and did all I could.
Soon this became too hard to keep up with as school work elevated and around October at the start of sicth grade I started putting off my rituals. Soon this became a bad habit and I started skipping them alltogether. Now here was when the bullying started to get worse. I had been completely abandoned by my friend at the beginning of the school year, and had nobody. I was like a shadow-wearing my dark jacket at all times, feeling naked without it's security. They started to torment me anout this, and I soon became the shadow on a bright sidewalk-out of place and completely obvious. It was terrible. Nobody wanted to be my friend and my former friend, whom I was forced to go to school, be in school, and leave school with at all times, and his new friend, were constantly putting me down. I wanted to kill myself. I tried cutting but was too scared. I nearly made that jump one day. Even now I can feel that cold steel like ice against my arm.
But suddnly it all changed. It was later in the school year so I was a " casual friend"-on the outskirts of the group, but it was more than enough for me. I slowly started to change-to some for the better, to me it was like putting on a whole new body and personality-I turned from what I had been in fifth grade-happy, fun-loving, random, funny, and freedom-loving Spiritus to acceptably awkward, quiet, shy, and caged-deer Spiritus. I constantly had to catch myself from being who I truly was. My family spent an extreme amount of money on new clothes for me. I liked the clothes, but never the mask that went with them.
After this, things started getting better, I got more friends, my life at home was better, the only thing that didn't imptove was my school work. With all my pent up stress, it had dropped drastically.
Right now I'm doing fine. My schoolwork is going up, slowly, and even though I can't be myself anymore, I'm getting better. Some things are bad. People still talk about me behind my back-but that's expected of vicious middle school students.
I'm trying to pick up Wicca again. I don't know if this ordeal was a test-but I learned many things and came out a better person.
-Spiritus Wolf

[Firebird]

Hi Spiritus and re-greetings , I'm glad to hear you are feeling better, but I am concerned and confused why you cannot be yourself. Why would you want to go from being happy and fun loving to awkward, quite and shy???
I also wonder if the trouble with friends has to do with your interest in Wicca? This can throw such a big monkey wrench into the mix of young people trying to figure life out. People, for the most part, are not understanding.
BB, Firebird

[Vesca]

Welcome back Spiritus. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently!

Sometimes we have trying times that help us become more whole on the other side, help us to shed some of the useless or harmful aspects of our lives so we can begin to grow something better and healthier.

I'm glad you didn't follow through with your suicidal thoughts, and I'm sure you'll be glad you didn't too as your path progresses and becomes better than you thought it could be.

And don't worry, the vast majority of people following a pagan path lapse a bit at some point or another when it comes to celebrating the festivals. Life happens, the universe understands, and we do what we can and keep it in our minds in some form until we can return to it.