Abuse and Abusive relationships..........Help

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jcrowfoot
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What to look for in abusive relationship: a crash course

Post by jcrowfoot »

Ok, I hate to admit it, but I didn't follow all the links present in this thread,
However, for other people who are like me and have a short attention span and don't want to follow a bunch of links... here's my short form. Also, this is more broadly applicable, since it's not just physical abuse. It also has mental signs to look for if you are in an unhealthy relationship.

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to see what's really happening, particularly if you are depressed. So here's Juniper's handy dandy cheat sheet for bad relationships. Oh, and SO stands for Significant Other, just in case you aren't up on netspeak. I've seen people use this short form in face-to-face situations and on legal documents, so I feel justified in using it.

The first rule in all things, including magick, is "know thyself."
So, this is the first place to look. Remember that the larger number of checks you have against all these questions, the more likely it's an unhealthy relationship.

#1. Are you happy? Ever?
When was the last time you smiled? When was the last time you felt glad for something besides quiet? If the answer is, a long time, or if you cry or laugh bitterly at this question... well... you are depressed. Duh. You have learned something about your mental state by answering this question, and it's valuable. It means, that especially if you are saddened or bitter about this question that you may not be able to entirely trust your opinions about your own self-worth, and may downplay any personal risk or danger signals you may be seeing.

#2. When your SO enters the room, does your life seem to enter an alternate reality where your normal rules no longer apply? Do you sometimes even get physical symptoms of dizziness or a disjointed feeling, or light headedness or even, suddenly you can't think straight? If your SO raises his voice, do you loose track of the conversation and forget what you are even talking about?

Some people use this as a yardstick for being In Love... but unless your love can be measured in weeks or maybe even months, it's a warning,
That weird feeling is called Dissociation by psychologists. What it means, is that your mind is going into an altered state of consciousness... the kind reserved for dangerous situations. Soldiers going into combat can get this.

Doesn't that say something?

#3. Are you afraid of your SO? Think carefully and answer honestly. Even if you append it with, "But I really don't have a reason to..." it still counts.

#4. Do you hide stuff from your SO? Do you spend a lot of time worrying about the things you hide, and the stuff you don't tell?

In most relationships, there are discussions that aren't viable or fruitful. But do you feel that the survival of the relationship depends on your ability to hide some set of facts or ideas that you carry around in your brain, that's a strong indicator that this is not a healthy relationship.

Part of the problem is that we get used to living this way, either from childhood or past bad relationships. The key to future good relationships is not hiding who you are to the one you love.They need to love you for who YOU ARE, not who you think you should be.

If your fear is large, then listen to it and get out of there. Even if you don't think your SO would hit you.

#5. Would your world end if you left this person? Do you avoid expressing your opinions around that person to keep the peace?

I'm getting married soon to a man I actually want to bear children with (which is saying a lot for me...) and I could survive leaving this guy if I had to. IF you are totally dependent on a person... watch out, and try to get a life of your own. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Have friends that are yours. You are a good person, and you deserve it.

And a word or two about peace it's one thing to suspend discussions of certian topics on a situational and negotiated basis, particularly if your SO has a stressful job and sometimes needs time to unwind. But if this time streaches to include your whole time with this person, you have something you really need to think about or discuss at very least.

#6. Do your friends make off-hand comments about your SO, out of that one's hearing? Do they seem to hint that they think something is wrong? Do your friends or family mention that they think you have changed significantly since you've started seeing that person? Do old friends who've put up a lot from you over the years suddenly avoid you, or look sad every time they see you?

While friends aren't always the best indicator for things going wrong, if you find that you are noticing things, and they are too, there's a good chance something's gone wrong. Further, many would rather not say anything so as to protect you from their opinions... so find some time and ask a friend that you trust, even if you haven't seen them in a while. Don't assume it's you... it could be your SO that drove them away.

#7. Does your SO threaten you? Even idle talk about physical harm on your person could bode ill for times to come. When this starts, most partners are so stunned that they forget that it ever happened the first few times it does. Then the frequency increases... and it could escalate to blows, or at least extreme fear on your part. Your fear is sane and reasonable, their threats ARE NOT. Violence, even the idle threat of it, is no way to solve a disagreement. It inhibits communication, which spells death for a relationship.

#8. Are you covering up for your SO's behavior? This includes cleaning up messes, applying extra makeup, lying to explain behavior to strangers or friends, or even distracting people away from noticing what they are doing, or even going accross town to avoid observers of behavior.

Number eight is one of the biggest indicator of an abusive relationship. If you are lying to make up for something on a regular basis, or doing things to explain behavior of your intended, things have gotten seriously out of hand.

#9. Does your SO hit or physically restrain you in the course of an argument? Even "accidentally"?

This is the obvious one. IF this is a yes, don't even negotiate. Get out of there, and find someone to help put your psyche back together before trying to handle this. Get supports, like friends family and neighbors or therapists to help.

If your depression indicator question was strong, then please get help.
Depression is one of the leading causes of homelessness and hospitalization. It's not something to be trifled with, nor is it a character flaw. It's a disease.. a chemical imbalance in the brain.Remember that your symptoms aren't *you*. They are what you live with.

I know some mental illness pundits disagree with me on this subject. But I have to say that one of the most helpful things I ever got out of therapy was separating out my depression from who I am. My life is so much richer and my self esteem is so much greater for it.

Also remember that there are people out there who if they knew what was happening would help without question. You don't have to go homeless, and it might surprise you how much some of those old friends who haven't talked to you in years will still care, even to the extent of opening their home to you in times of duress. People do extra ordinary things for complete strangers every day when trouble strikes. And if you have a lot of checks for this test, it's serious.

Ok, that wasn't as short as I thought, but it covers most of the basics it took me years of experience and hard work, plus blood sweat and tears to learn.

Peace.
Eretik
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Location: Scotland

Post by Eretik »

Gay Teenz? There IS help. LOTS of it...from gays, for gays.

http://chadzboyz.com/

http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/se ... 36545.html

http://www.pflag.org/


These links were originally posted by Amunptah777.I brought them here as there is good advice on the bullying and issues our young GBLT folk have - ALSO good advice here for family and friends.THERE IS ALSO A STICKY ON TEEN CONCERNS,PLEASE DROP BY,THERE, IF THIS IS USEFUL/OR YOU NEED MOREADVICE...OH and if anyone wants to write a testimonial like jcrowfoot's above, please do,it helps others to see how we can deal with these issues.

http://www.everythingunderthemoon.net/f ... php?t=7276

The sticky.
LUNAAMOR
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Post by LUNAAMOR »

thanks guys i know this its an old thread but you are opening my eyes.
and i really appreciate that
"Light up the Darkness" Bob Marley
[Silver Dove]
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Post by [Silver Dove] »

Wow!! This is lots of good information. I know a friend who could use this information.

Thanks!
May love, peace & hope always be with you. Blessed Be!

Silver Dove
Helen

its very hard to be in that persons shoes!

Post by Helen »

im in this three year relationship and let me tell you the first year or two has been HELLLLLL!!! i wasnt beatin up but i was pushed..resrtainned and slapped and put up against the wall once and def name calling and stuff...it was so bad that i lost who i was..i felt so numb that i couldnt cry! until oneday i finally took charge in my life and i said im done with this shit...i and everyone deserves better. so i started going back home to my moms and regaining my friends back. just doing things i once loved. the past year or so he hasnt laid a hand on me or anything..but the name calling is still there..its very hard just to walk out of someones life but i am much stronger now then i was before..i know and he knows that if he ever laid his hand on me agaian that it is over and thats why he hasnt done it.. he sees that if i do leave him ill be ok. but dont get me wrong it crosses my mind all the time that maybe he will start again..its extremely hard. but i wonder if he really is trying to change cuz he sees me at a much stronger point... i really dunno:/
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Xiao Rong
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Re: Abuse and Abusive relationships..........Help

Post by Xiao Rong »

@ RedMtnDew:

Please note that the user to whom you are offering advice (Helen) posted their situation over 4 years ago and their user account was deleted, so the chances she will see your advice are rather slim (and also her situation may have changed considerably since then). In general, it is a good idea to check the time stamp on people's posts (or clicking on their user profile to see when they last logged in) before offering advice.

I understand that it's very difficult to observe a friend in an abusive relationship and not be able to do anything about it, especially when that friend keeps on making what appears to be the least logical choice for her own well-being (victims of domestic violence try to leave an average of 7 times before separating for good). It's a good thing that you didn't have to resort to violence, which is generally counterproductive, because it might put the victim in the awkward position of having to defend the batterer.

I find the Empowerment Model to be a very helpful thing in these situations. The philosophy of this model is that victims of domestic violence has routinely had their power taken away from them by abuse, and one of the best things you can do is to help give some of that power back to her by letting them determine how they want to live their life. In practical terms, it involves letting her know that you are concerned for her, letting her know that she doesn't deserve it, letting her know what her options are and what resources are available to her, and then letting her make her own decisions and being supportive of those decisions ... even if you don't necessarily agree with them. You can't ever really help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but when they do decide to leave, I know they'll be glad to have a supportive friend they can count on in their corner.
~ Xiao Rong ~ 小蓉 ~ Little Lotus ~
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kalicokitty
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Re: Abuse and Abusive relationships..........Help

Post by kalicokitty »

Having just gotten out of an abusive relationship, i would like to suggest you also post a working cycle of abuse picture (my phone wont let me). I wish someone had shown me one a lot sooner. It would have helped me realize that i was in fact, being abused.
"There is nothing more melodic, than the purring of a cat."
keren824
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Re: Abuse and Abusive relationships..........Help

Post by keren824 »

Wow!! This is lots of good information. I know a friend who could use this information.

Thanks!
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