I am in a state where I really need to put this somewhere.
I've been super depressed and angry.
hummm, I better back up a bit.
The weekend before Labor Day, husband, daughter and I went with bio family to take my brothers ashes to the sea. We left Marina Del Rey harbor on a lovely old yacht. Just being in Marina Del Rey was evoking all kinds of melancholy. I used to live on the bluff right near there...before all the construction around the Ballona wetlands. It was a magical place to grow up. We used to find fossils in the bluff and played hide n seek in the mustard that grew far above our heads.
Now we were back to commit my brother ashes to the sea, a person I did not know when I lived there in Westchester. Turns out I didn't know bro very well at all and despite finding bio family over 30 years ago, I never really got to be close to him. I grieve for the loss of not only his life but the fact we didn't connect while he was alive. And he lived close... but it might as well have been Timbuctoo. Everything in my mind feels like Timbuctoo, so far and hard to get to, it's just easier to stay put. WHO is that? this was never my M.O.
The boat ride evoked more emotions, to a time when husbands father was alive. Daughter and I reminisced about being on the diving boats with her grandpa, she mostly remembered getting sea sick. I could tell husband was thinking about his dad too. His father had owned 2 SCUBA diving stores and had been a pioneer in the industry.
As brothers ashes were lowered in a basket to the sea, we said our farewells and with a swoosh they went in the water with all the roses and petals. The ash and flowers formed beautiful patterns as they were swept away with the swift current.
It was different with my father-in-law, the water was calm and his cremains were dumped from a box at a little harbor near San Miguel Island, the ash sparkled like little diamonds as they slowly faded into the deep blue depths.
The boat we had took to commit his ashes to the sea was The Conception.
Father-in-law knew the original owner of the Truth Aquatics very well and they made this trip for free, seeing it to be an honor to take this mans ashes to sea, after all he had brought literally hundreds of divers to this fleet for underwater excursions since Truth Aquatics started in 1974.
fast forward to the next weekend...
When I got up Labor Day and husband said The Conception was on fire I didn't believe him. He left for his mom's and I turned on the TV.
News flash, it was The Conception. I sank in my chair and began to cry. By the time I was seeing this it had been burning for about 4 hours. Knowing the layout of the bunkroom and location of the galley I feared for all the people there. Well, and now we know the unbearable outcome.
The thing that has me furious with rage is the insensitive remarks people have posted on the Truth Aquatics facebook and in other places. Like, "why didn't the crew save the people?", or "they only saved themselves and screw the others? " "Why did they call them DOB in the mayday call?" (because that is freaking short for "divers on board" one doesn't have time to use lots of words in an emergency situation.) and bla bla bla the hate speak goes on and on and on and on... I cannot believe the lack of compassion people have for the owners of Truth Aquatics. DO they not realize these people were their friends and diving family too??? Divers and the owners of the boats they use become a pseudo family and everyone knows everyone else (mostly). This fleet is about the most professional friendly group of folks I had ever met. They have a stellar reputation and some You Tuber is saying they were negligent for using a salvage boat. The Conception was run aground once when someone stole it, but it was repaired. This You Tuber is suggesting the owner is a fake and that he doesn't exist. Well...he doesn't really, when the new owner took the reins the old owner wasn't in the picture much, who had suffered "the bends" and has mostly been in a wheelchair for over 30 years.
I worried for this business, this is the kind of event that closes you down mainly through lawsuits, so when the owners evoked a pre civil war protection for maritime disasters, More Insensitive remarks. My freaking god...this was and accident. The owners are just as devastated as those who lost loved ones, THEY lost loved ones too, but should they potentially loose their home over this? NO way.
Well here's where it gets messed up in my mind. One person missing still. What if some terrorist sparked the blaze? he jumps off, swims to a nearby boat and makes a getaway. Great,... I hate it that my brain even went there.
What is becoming of the world today? Where we have to live in fear of terror and the screwed up remarks of people who weren't there and have no Idea what they are talking about. I really hope none of the surviving crew reads any of those comments because they have a whole hell of a lot of healing to do themselves,
survivors remorse is a real thing.
And I now grieve the loss of Father-in-aw all over again, the years he spent teaching others to dive and his love of the ocean and the people who ran those dive boats, but mostly I can feel the terror of the people who were trapped and the moments of panic that must have ensued. It's waking me up at night,
I remember sleeping in those bunks.
It is was a beautiful boat, like a mini cruise ship, best food ever and an upper deck for laying in the sun. All the bells and whistles that a diver would need and now 33/34 beautiful people have perished on this lovely vessel, it's hurting my heart.
It's been a hard couple weeks for this empath, I'm temped to log on and tell that You Tuber how f-ed up he is but there I would be right in the fray with the other haters, ...or do I have a point, crap.
I'm having a terrible time breaking out of this depression, I've tried spells, I've lit candles, I'm just so distraught for the lives lost on this boat, my brother who I'll never know, (don't even get me started on the trashed Bahamas) and my cat who's longevity is day by day, but she is actually doing sort of ok recently. When will the light of life be pretty again?
I haven't had the gumption to post anything here, hope everyone is doing well.