Unhappy Long-Term Relationship

[Aderyn]

I will try to keep this short and sweet.

I've been with someone for a few years now and this year has been very difficult for the both of us. We aren't intimate, we don't really enjoy each other's company, we are always arguing... a lot of it is financial. I have been providing for him for two years now and I'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of; he isn't necessarily trying to get a job or unemployment, or anything that would help me when it comes to bills. I'm all for providing, but once I start to feel like I'm being taken advantage of I get real tired and irritated about it. I feel that this has been coming for awhile now; I've been feeling distant for over a year. Every time I tried to talk to him about it in the past I get the response of "I'm trying. It'll get better just give me some time." We haven't had a true discussion or argument about this until this year, which is probably why things are so hectic and strained right now. My friends have noticed I'm unhappy and I'm not sure how to go about this divorce-esque event. We aren't married, but we've had this serious relationship for a few years.

I'm tired of waiting and I'm really exhausted of spending my energy on someone in a motherly manner. He has always had trouble completing things, whether it's house chores, school work, creative hobbies, etc. I truly feel that our relationship has come to an end (even if it's just a temporary break), but I don't know how to go about initiating the change and moving forward. I'm not afraid of being alone or being single, I know it's going to hurt being separated but in the end I would rather heal and be happy than be stuck in a toxic relationship.

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it. <3

EDIT;
There's also a lot of strain on our relationship when it comes to spirituality. That's another issue all together.

[Kassandra]

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it. <3

No problem. Most, if not all of us have been there before, or somewhere similar, in one imbalanced relationship or another. It's great that you could financially support yourself so you don't have to stay in that relationship out of some perception of "survival," as many women (and sometimes men, but mostly women as I've observed at least) do.

I think you'll do great in the long run, and even surprise yourself. We're always here to listen.

Good luck with everything.




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[Aderyn]

No problem. Most, if not all of us have been there before, or somewhere similar, in one imbalanced relationship or another. It's great that you could financially support yourself so you don't have to stay in that relationship out of some perception of "survival," as many women (and sometimes men, but mostly women as I've observed at least) do.

I think you'll do great in the long run, and even surprise yourself. We're always here to listen.

Good luck with everything.




.

Thank you very much. I know it'll all work out, I'm just not looking forward to the awkward stage of settling down again, lol! It's a hard step to take, but right now I feel it's the right decision for me. I just need to figure out the right steps to take in moving forward.

[Sakura Blossom]

I fully understand! Well, mostly. I had a relationship that lasted almost a year, but it wasn't serious like yours was. We had so many differences, it wasn't even funny! I thought I liked him too, but he turned out to be a really mean person. I suffer from some mental health problems and of course, I'm very spiritual. He, however, was an atheist that didn't want to hear about other people's experiences and he also told me that mental illness wasn't real and it was all in my head. Needless to say, I ended it. Even then, it was very difficult for me especially because it was the day after Valentine's Day.

I of course can't tell you what to do with your relationship, but having been in a situation somewhat similar to this, I can offer you advice. (: I firmly believe that honesty is key and I grew up with my mother telling me that using the "I feel" statements are the best way to get your feelings across. I didn't believe her until now, and I use it all the time because it really does help in most cases.

I would talk to him and tell him exactly how you're feeling, and that you wish to take a break if that's truly what you want. You're strong, and you'll make it through this no matter what happens! (:

My mantra is, "If it's meant to be it'll be, if it's not then it wasn't for me" which ties in with the saying that everything works out and happens for a reason. I firmly believe this is true! And I also believe that any of our stress and our difficulties are simply trials that will lead us to the life we're meant to have that will make us the happiest.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation, and as Kassandra said, we're all here if you ever need to talk to someone! And I am as well! I am a very good listener and don't mind if people vent to me.

Hang in there! ::hug::

[Aderyn]

Sakura,
Oy, I'm sorry to hear that someone was dismissing your mental health like that. Being invalidated is an awful feeling. You deserve someone who is supportive and helpful!

I love your mantra! That's a great way to look at things. We both have been trying the "I feel" statements, which are very helpful. It's just gotten to the point where he doesn't want to open up or talk about it. I know that how I'm feeling isn't the most happy thing to hear with how tense our relationship has been, but maybe I can try a different approach to the "I feel" statements and see if I can get him to talk to me.

Thank you for your words! I will gladly talk to you both any time. I know it'll all work out, it's just getting through it that's difficult some days. One day at a time!

[YanaKhan]

As Kassandra said, we have all been in a situation where we love (or at least are used to) someone who is not really worth being with. I am not suggesting you don't love your partner, neither do I suggest he doesn't love you back. I guess you both love each other and this is exactly what makes it difficult to end the relationship. I also get the sense that you are somewhat afraid if being alone and that's why you are staying in the relationship. (I could totally be wrong about that though).
The truth is, we start a relationship and are with someone to be happy. Once the relationship starts making you miserable, it's pointless in my opinion.
People usually say money is not really important, that love is the most important thing and so on, and so on. But the truth is, you need money to survive and when your partner doesn't do anything to help you, you feel like you are fighting to be with him and he's fighting you back. Which, from where I stand, is pointless.
I'm not saying you should leave him. It's not my place to give such advice. But then again, what I would do is I would sit and write the pros and cons of being with him. Think things through and you will get your solution. You are just as important as anybody else. Start making yourself happy instead of thinking of the others first (which is what I feel you are doing). Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.

[Aderyn]

Elcida,
It isn't the fear of being alone, part of me just feels like I would be abandoning him. Without me, he doesn't have a roof over his head, income for food, things like that. Maybe a move from relationship to roommates would be better suited? I do care about him, but I feel that I have been pushed to my limits for awhile now.

The truth is, we start a relationship and are with someone to be happy. Once the relationship starts making you miserable, it's pointless in my opinion.
People usually say money is not really important, that love is the most important thing and so on, and so on. But the truth is, you need money to survive and when your partner doesn't do anything to help you, you feel like you are fighting to be with him and he's fighting you back. Which, from where I stand, is pointless.

Very well said! I agree with this, completely. We are both unhappy; when others come to me for advice I ask "Are the things that are making you unhappy changeable? If so, why aren't you making changes to be happy?" I should follow my own advice, shouldn't I?

Thank you for your post, a lot of what you wrote is how I am feeling. I will keep you updated!

[Sakura Blossom]

I think you are on the right track and that everything will start to get better for you very soon. (: I'm really glad you're looking at this positively and in a level-headed manner. Best of luck!

[Aderyn]

I think you are on the right track and that everything will start to get better for you very soon. (: I'm really glad you're looking at this positively and in a level-headed manner. Best of luck!

I'm just an old soul. <3 Hahah! Thank you!

[YanaKhan]

YanaKhan,
It isn't the fear of being alone, part of me just feels like I would be abandoning him. Without me, he doesn't have a roof over his head, income for food, things like that. Maybe a move from relationship to roommates would be better suited? I do care about him, but I feel that I have been pushed to my limits for awhile now.

Yeah, I was sure I got the "I can't possibly do harm to someone I love" vibe from you. You seem like a lovely person and usually these are the ones that get taken advantage from. Perhaps a roommate relationship is a solution. At least a temporary one. You know him best - is that going to make him take care of himself or is he going to continue to rely on you for everything?
Sometimes to take care of yourself means to stop taking care of everyone else and be selfish. Anyway, do talk to him about it. If he's unhappy too, that may just be the way to move on and be happy.

[Aderyn]

He'll continue to rely on me until I'm not physically there anymore. Thank you for putting things into perspective. I need to take care of me first and foremost.

[Shub Niggurath]

I had a very similar situation in the past with my partner. While I was working and studying he would sit at home and play videogames. It can be frustrating but it can be changed. What helped us was figuring out why it's so hard for him to at least go outside and hand out a few CVs here and there.
It turns out that if you're unemployed for a longer period of time you get used to the current situation because it feels safe and the outside world seems more and more strange and distant over time. Maybe he doesn't know where or how to start, maybe he's scared that he's not good enough or anxious about having to deal with people. People go wild when they sit at home for too long.
It's not surprising that both of you feel unhappy and distant. You get no support from him and you feel like he's your child instead of a man. He, at the other hand, might feel unworthy and useless because he's out of his masculine role. And feeling like s#*t for a longer period of time is uncomfortable so it's very likely that in order to deal with the negative feelings he decided to become a douche and blame it on anything else because it's easier to cope this way.
I bet you both are having a hard time and getting tired of eachother, it's a tough situation :<
If you're not sure what to do and don't want to leave him like this, without a place to live, you might as well try helping him. If it won't work then at least you'll be 100% sure what to do (evacuate!)
Talking about your feelings might not be such a good idea - he might be already too stuffed with his own negative feelings and thoughts so he won't even listen. So, imo the best way is the practical way - sit with him, ask him to show you his CV and try to help him revise it or write a new one. That will boost his confidence. Then you can try to talk to him about what's his dream job and what would he enjoy doing the most. When he figures something out you can help him looking for ads or give him some tips where to look for job etc.
Hope it's helpful or at least shows you that there's more ways out of this situation. At least that's what helped me discipline my man

[Aderyn]

And feeling like s#*t for a longer period of time is uncomfortable so it's very likely that in order to deal with the negative feelings he decided to become a douche and blame it on anything else because it's easier to cope this way.

...

So, imo the best way is the practical way - sit with him, ask him to show you his CV and try to help him revise it or write a new one. That will boost his confidence. Then you can try to talk to him about what's his dream job and what would he enjoy doing the most. When he figures something out you can help him looking for ads or give him some tips where to look for job etc.

Thank you for your feedback!

He's in a very "I don't know" time in his life. He has these goals with no motivation to achieve them and I feel that I have tried every way possible to help from different angles and methods. That's where I feel we are right now, just stuck in a rut and he doesn't want to come out and play. I've tried helping him look for a job (to-do lists, workshops, etc.), but... honestly I feel that he doesn't want a "simple" job (such as working in retail, fast food, etc.), but that's all that he really has to choose from right now. I will give your idea a shot, maybe one more method of encouragement and physical help can make a difference.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this! It's so nice to have support and different perspectives through this thread.

[random417]

Being somewhat in his situation myself, and also not wanting a "simple" job...
The problem for me it's the lack of upward mobility in those types of gigs, and the fact that you get paid crap and treated like crap plays a big role. What's working for me right now it's focusing on areas that don't require schooling, but are still different. I did some commercial painting through a temp agency and loved it.

The other thing to remember, and this is a big one for me. Every time you turn in an app, or don't get a call back from an interview, it takes a toll on you, tells you you're not worth anything...

This more than anything is probably why he doesn't go out looking, I know it's why I just can't get moving some days.

From the point of view of someone who's not only been there, but is kind of there now (my partner is extremely supportive, and we're not having the other relationship problems, so it is different) I'll tell you what I experience. Mind you, I get it, I can't tell my partner this either, but the internet is wonderful about being able to open up...

(I'll use we throughout this, because it's what I'm feeling, and I imagine it's at least partially what he's feeling... it's a linguistic convenience, I'm not trying to put words or thoughts in his mouth, just offer a perspective)

Yeah, having help with a resume is great, all the things that have been mentioned are great, but I know I at least have looked at that. (Again, I remind you that in my head, this is half from him to you and half from me to my lady... it may not all fit, but much of it will. Please excuse any linguistic stumbles or creepy sounding things). The biggest problem with being out of work for a long time is the feeling of worthlessness and loss of hope. Each time I don't hear back, each time an interview doesn't go well, my value as a human being goes down in my head. Having help on the practical end is great, but what I need to know is my value, I need to be reminded that I'm more than a job I don't have. They don't choose me, remind me (him) why you did. It's hard. It's not something I can ever really ask for, or talk about. Talking about it only reminds me that everything I have right now, I owe to her (you... see, linguistic weirdness, apologies). Yes, I imagine we've both given up (or in my case, at least I'm close), but it's not because we don't want to do better, not because we don't want to do right by you. It's because we feel like we've already failed. Why go out, looking, when nothing happens when we do?

That's what we need, to be reminded that we still have value, that being out there every day matters, and most importantly, remind us of what we're doing right.


Hopefully that helps you see through different eyes. I'll be honest, if that's what he needs... be honest with yourself, and with him. If you can still remind him of his worth, still support him, then great. If you can't, it really is best for both of you if you move on, at least that's what I would want. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but having a bad gallbladder removed hurts too, doesn't mean it's not best.

P.S. - I'm actually truly blessed with a great support team. I mentioned this for perspective, not to whine or seek sympathy. Please don't make a big deal of my situation.

[Aderyn]

Random417,
I understand where he is coming from and reading how you put it into words is very helpful. I know it's difficult; we've all had our struggles. It's just getting hard when it's been going on for so long and my methods aren't helping either of us. He helped me through hard times and now he doesn't want help with his. I will take what you said into consideration and I hope to talk with him more about this. The way you wrote your post helped me remember how he is feeling, but I do need to be honest with myself like you said.

Hopefully we can work something out. Thank you for taking the time to reply!

-Aderyn