A sistеrly "love"

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YanaKhan
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A sistеrly "love"

Post by YanaKhan »

My sister - in - law hates me. I know these are strong words, but she does. She even hates my child. She has a daughter who is 2 and a half years older than my daughter and they both love each other and want to play every day. Her kid is taking my class and is very talented, I love working with her, she is so executive and assiduous! But my sister in law is always scolding my daughter and being someone who doesn't like to fight others, I shut my mouth and don't say anything. Yet, this is lasting for way too long.
The story is, I have a university degree she doesn't have. It was all her fault, because she had the chance to study, but didn't want to. Instead, she got married at 18 and is now a tailor in a workshop. She earns just as much as I do (perhaps even more), but I am a teacher and therefore respected and appreciated for what I do. My husband and I live in a flat his parents built for him. It's quite big and I do love it. She and her family live with her parents. They are on a different floor, but still, the flat is smaller than ours. And she hates me for all that. I don't really know how I can tell, I just know. Envy is one thing, she just really despises me. I would swap flats in a second if I could. I would live with her parents, they are sweet people and there is a big yard there that we don't have. I don't care about property. I just want to get along. And most of all, I just want her to not treat my child bad. As she is always blaming her for every fight she and her cousin have. But you know kids - they play, they fight, they cry and then play again.
Any advice on how to get along? How to make her not hate me?
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Seraphin
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

When I released the relationship with my oldest brother it took me a while to get to the point where I didn't have super strong (and negative) feelings toward him. Relationships with other family members were strained during that time; I had such a negative emotional response to even the mention of his name that I found it difficult to be around my siblings. Until I got to the point where I'd settled my feelings toward him inside of myself, he was very much a part of my life, even though we had no contact.

She's lucky she has a sister-in-law like you, trying to find ways to reach out and mend your relationship. loveface Because if I'm the one who's in the situation?! I don't know, it might took some time and strength for me to do that -- which I don't have, by the way. :?

Just give love each day smileylove . Help her all you can. Why not send her a letter? It might also be a positive step in the direction to have a conversation with her; it could be the catalyst you need to face both of your feelings toward each other and sort things out inside yourselves -- and truly heal your relationship. (Haha... And this is all coming from me. smiley_dance )

Just continue to prove to her how much you love her and her family by not harboring any bitterness toward her even she's treating you badly.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Kat »

what would she say or do if she actually read that? is it to much to tell her with complete honesty what u just said? maybe being so open would make u both realize there are more to teach each other than anyone thought.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Isis3Anubis »

Certain family members tick me off at times but that doesn't mean I don't love them. Sometimes people just hate for no reason other than they feel they can. I would try not to read to much personally as it could just be that she is projecting her dislikes onto you because you remind her of what she is not. She could be fearful or insecure that you are better than her in some way. She could be jealous you married her brother! I would either talk to her about it or just let her realize her own loss of not being close to you, especially since you could really be of value to her daughter too.
I have a cousin I don't hate but because he tried to emotionally manipulate me once I can't trust him. It's sad because I really loved his sister and father when we were younger but family drama always gets in the way. You can pick your friends but I think karma sticks us with certain people to learn from our differences even if it means resentments and strong dislikes.
She's just pieces of me you've never seen ~ Tori Amos
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by ness »

I think the only way you can have a bonding with her is if you both actually get to know each other. Maybe you can ask her if she want to go shopping or see a movie with you, without the kids? Start by opening up and offer hand of friendship. It might take few tries and few such trips before you will really understand how your bond is going to be. It might work, it might not. If it doesnt, then you will at least know that you tried.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by YanaKhan »

Thank you, everyone, for the replies. But sometimes I can't really explain things well. Me and my husband are together for nearly 13 years and I've known her for the whole time. She is not a bad person (I might have left you with this impression), just way too undeviating, something I am not at all. And I am not saying I am blameless, I just don't really know what I did to make her hate me. I have tried bonding and we have family dinners quite often. I have told her many things, just can't really say "I think you resent me and I would like to know why". She will deny it and then perhaps hate me even more. Actually, she is the same with her brother, her parents and her aunt, which makes no sense to me. And she resents my child because she claims her dad loves my daughter more than he loves hers (I have no idea if that's true, I haven't seen any sign of it and even if it was, I don't see how that's my daughter's fault).
Anyway, thanks for the advice, I will try and talk to her, just need to figure out a way. I don't want to make things worse and actually I am afraid of her setting me off (I am quite short - tempered).
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

You could draw universal, loving energy into yourself from head and feet into the heart chakra. This centers you and then you can send that loving energy out to your sister-in-law. This might help her to feel calm and energized and be calming to you.

On the other side of the coin, there's a Buddhist belief that everyone around is a Buddha sent to teach us something -- especially the difficult people!

When a Bengali Buddhist teacher named Atisha brought Buddhism to Tibet, his followers asked him why he brought a cook with him who treated him badly. They offered to have him replaced. Atisha thanked them and said, "No. He teaches me patience." As hard as it is, we learn the most from the most difficult people.

Good for you for trying to reach out! Bless you YanaKhan!

*Sigh* I just don't have that kind of strength.

My siblings had a really hard time with the disconnect between my older brother and me; they didn't understand it, and when he got cancer and was dying they were especially confused by my not running to his side. It was something I didn't go into a lot of detail trying to explain to them; I had no desire to rehash everything that led to my decision, and merely conveyed to my sibs that while I didn't hold any animosity toward our brother anymore, I simply did not wish contact with him either. Although they still don't understand, bless them, they love and respect me enough to know I had valid reasons for letting go like I did.

Thing is, there wasn't any one event or clash between us that led to my decision. I'd just come to an understanding that the relationship was far too unhealthy, and I could no longer just get together with him and act as if everything was fine when it wasn't. Long story, though, and I'll spare you the details. :D

One thing I did while he was still alive (he passed about five years ago -- I was just 21 that time): Periodically I'd check in with myself -- this was before he got sick -- and ask, "If he were to die tomorrow, would I have regrets? Would I wish I'd done things differently?" Answer was always no, and it didn't change when he got sick, nor have I had regrets since.

Funny that this comes up right now; timing is so interesting sometimes! Just this morning I noticed that one of my nephews had posted an old photo of his Dad (my oldest brother) on his Facebook page. I realized that while I'd released the relationship long ago, somehow I'd managed to keep the love I had for my brother. (One can love someone and still be unwilling to continue with an active relationship.) It was a pleasure to see his photo; brought good things about him to mind. While releasing the disturbance between us, seems I've held on to the good memories and not let the bad stuff cloud them. Wow that feels really good.

I really have no idea why I'm writing this here so please forgive me for turning this thread into my soapbox.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by YanaKhan »

Ah, don't worry, Seraphin. Sometimes one just needs to share and vent and I don't mind at all. It actually keeps my mind off my sister in law. I don't really like complaining and when I do, there is a reason for it. But maybe there has been too much going on and there can't be one reason only for rivalry. And there are always two sides, so I guess when one fights with a sibling, it's not as easy to resolve as they know each other forever and other things keep popping up and make things even more complicated.
I understand not being close to a sibling - me and my brother are not too close either. Even though there is no rivalry or a conflict, people don't understand why we don't talk every day and we don't really spend time sharing things. It's just the way it is and I can't really explain it to anybody. I guess there was a conflict between you and your brother and I do understand that only because you are related, it doesn't mean you have to be close. And I do understand how you can love someone and still have no contact. I am sorry he passed away, though. You sound like you grieve. But things happen for a reason.

As for my sister - in - law, I haven't found the solution yet. I would like to make things work, but won't let my life revolve around her and trying to make everything perfect. If she wants to have a relationship with me, then I am here and will do my best. But if she doesn't, I won't insist. At least I know I did everything to not have a conflict. Now it's up to her.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

Thank you YanaKhan for letting me vent here in your thread.

There's a saying, "You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family," but it I know in myself that's not necessarily so. While I do have some healthy ties with blood relatives, the relationships are somewhat distant. There have been several familial relationships I've had to release entirely, loving them still, but at an even greater distance. I have a few very close friends I consider to be my "family of choice"; one calls me her "brother from another mother" :lol:!

I've seen families who, when they get together, bicker and disapprove of each others' decisions and what not, but they stick together anyway because, bottom line, they love and respect one another. Those are amazing, my family do not fall into that category. For the most part I've come to terms with this myself, but every once in a while I get a little pang -- like grief -- knowing I'll never have that kind of family, one that spans generations and has its own cohesive history.

And I agree about not insisting. It's truly sad that your in-law doesn't share your deep concern to have a much better relationship with her. But you've done your part, knowing in your heart, where everything feels absolutely certain and right, that nature can never be licked, only joined, and that if you were sincere and sensitive enough you would catch nature's subtle bestowals because of you are a lovely soul.

Enjoy yourself, your career, your family, your hubby, your children and let her be.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by ness »

Seraphin wrote:One thing I did while he was still alive (he passed about five years ago -- I was just 21 that time): Periodically I'd check in with myself -- this was before he got sick -- and ask, "If he were to die tomorrow, would I have regrets? Would I wish I'd done things differently?" Answer was always no, and it didn't change when he got sick, nor have I had regrets since.
It is very interesting that you felt that way. Usually death seems to like cancels out lot of conflicts. Your relationship with your brother almost sounds like a residual karmic effect.
Seraphin wrote:I've seen families who, when they get together, bicker and disapprove of each others' decisions and what not, but they stick together anyway because, bottom line, they love and respect one another.
Gosh, this description matches my family to the t. We are very vocal, we are very open about things that makes us mad, very argumentative. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out and run. My parents, my sister and I are like 4 opposite poles. But, for some reason, we stick together. I miss them when they are not around and I really care and love about them. And I know they also care about me. I cant imagine not talking to them or not having relationship with them. We are not very expressive of our love though. We arent mushy, don't do hugs and such. I remember few years ago, my dad came to visit me for a month. After he left, he called me one day and started crying to me about how much he missed me and how much he worries about me. It broke my heart but it was awkward because we aren't expressive that way. To me it was a big deal that he said those things to me. Gee... thanks for letting me share my story here. I just dont understand my family sometimes. Weird bunch.

That said, I dont have a "bond" with my SIL either. She lives really close to me but somehow I dont feel a sense of trust with her. She is really a nice person but I just cant seem to get myself to have a relationship with her. I have tried... I just dont know why. When we meet, we are polite and nice to each other, but thats about it. We don't do anything outside of that.

I don't think you can insist a relationship on anyone. You can only try and offer a hand of friendship but it takes two. It could very well be the place and time you SIL is at that is causing this friction. I know first hand that relationships do change over time. I have seen my own family evolve as we all evolve as a person. So, if now is not the time, then its better to accept it. Be nice and expect nothing in return. I do hope its a peaceful situation though.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

ness wrote:It is very interesting that you felt that way. Usually death seems to like cancels out lot of conflicts. Your relationship with your brother almost sounds like a residual karmic effect.
Nessy! I think you're right! Why I haven't thought about that. How'd you get to be so smart?

But anyway, my hatred toward him had completely vanished. Though yeah, I didn't reconcile with him, my anger toward him was gone.
ness wrote: We are not very expressive of our love though. We arent mushy, don't do hugs and such. I remember few years ago, my dad came to visit me for a month. After he left, he called me one day and started crying to me about how much he missed me and how much he worries about me. It broke my heart but it was awkward because we aren't expressive that way. To me it was a big deal that he said those things to me. Gee... thanks for letting me share my story here. I just dont understand my family sometimes. Weird bunch.

That said, I dont have a "bond" with my SIL either. She lives really close to me but somehow I don't feel a sense of trust with her. She is really a nice person but I just cant seem to get myself to have a relationship with her. I have tried... I just dont know why. When we meet, we are polite and nice to each other, but thats about it. We don't do anything outside of that.
I think someone needs to install the "like" button! hee hee...

We are sooooo much alike ness!!!

My Dad and you're Dad are the same. Mom always say he's insensitive, unemotional, passionless. He's a very private person. He never talked to us like other Dads are doing to their kiddos. We never had any bonding. I always think people don't want our family, we're too corny for words! Cold and bitter to the bone, that's us! (I still feel lucky somehow because no one in my siblings inherit Dad's boring character.)

I see that it's miscommunication and misexpression in my view is often the biggest cause of relationship breakdown. There's a lot of emotional expression made surrounding the concepts of family love and parenting. It's a way to contextualize a level of bonding where communication is free flowing and where the two parts with their offsprings' parts, all separate souls, reunite as one -- One Family.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by ness »

Seraphin wrote: Nessy! I think you're right! Why I haven't thought about that. How'd you get to be so smart?

But anyway, my hatred toward him had completely vanished. Though yeah, I didn't reconcile with him, my anger toward him was gone.
Of course, I don't know what went on and what made you so angry at your brother, but hatred is very intense and strong feeling. And the fact that you don't feel any regret about not reconciling, might be something residual. I feel like your paths might meet again, though. And I feel like you, consciously or subconsciously, already know this.
Seraphin wrote:We are sooooo much alike ness!!!

My Dad and you're Dad are the same. Mom always say he's insensitive, unemotional, passionless. He is a very private person. He never talked to us like other Dads are doing to their kiddos. We never had any bonding. I always think people don’t want our family, we’re too corny for words! Unromantic and bitter to the bone, that’s us! (I still feel lucky somehow because no one in my siblings inherit Dad's boring character.)

I see that it is miscommunication and misexpression in my view is often the biggest cause of relationship breakdown. There is a lot of emotional expression made surrounding the concepts of family love and parenting. It is a way to contextualize a level of bonding where communication is free flowing and where the two parts with their offsprings' parts, all separate souls, reunite as one -- One Family.
Alike... that we are! :)

Actually, for first 20 years of my life, I seriously lacked in emotional intelligence. I am not proud to say, but I had EI of that of a tea spoon. I think my family setting was a main cause of that. I struggled to express love/care/compassion because it wasn't a norm at home. I felt comfortable surrounding myself with friends who were just like me. Then, I moved away from my home town and lived alone in a new country/place. I think that is when I truly started to think about how I am and started rebuilding that part of me. I still struggle with it, but I have come a long way (at least I think so), in terms of emotion empathy and expression. At least you seem quite opposite to me in that way. You seem to have empathy and compassion and really flourishing.

No matter what the family love and parenting teaches us, the fact is, it is x number of individuals/souls living under one roof or connected through some blood ties. Each one has different purpose, different path. Sometimes individual energies are very powerful and over takes the oneness that we are supposed to feel as a family.
PS: **blushes* Thanks for thinking I am smart :D
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

It's time for hypnotic regression I guess. I'll ask my fiancee later if she can regressed me. For now, I need some rest. We just came to my cousin's island to celebrate Beltane here with him. I don't know why but I feel so wiped out -- physically exhausted -- that I ended up calling in sick; just whatever virus that's running its course here, but it hit me rather hard.

Kind of embarrassing for a healer to admit I got sucker-punched by a virus, but then again I rarely get sick, this is the only time again I got sick since 2011 and it's good for the immune system to fight an all-out battle every once in a while, just to keep itself strong. So I guess I can stop feeling embarrassed... right? *eye roll*
ness wrote:
Seraphin wrote: Nessy! I think you're right! Why I haven't thought about that. How'd you get to be so smart?

But anyway, my hatred toward him had completely vanished. Though yeah, I didn't reconcile with him, my anger toward him was gone.
Of course, I don't know what went on and what made you so angry at your brother, but hatred is very intense and strong feeling. And the fact that you don't feel any regret about not reconciling, might be something residual. I feel like your paths might meet again, though. And I feel like you, consciously or subconsciously, already know this.
Anyway, I just recalled that I even went to several counselors just to ask for their advice how to deal and address the issue regarding my refusal to reconcile with my brother. But the advisers don't believe in past lives and reincarnation. And this perhaps the reason why the real cause of my problem was never addressed properly.

Honestly, I can easily reconcile and forgive other people. Even though they aren't asking for it, I can easily forgive and forget. It's just that I can't do the same to my brother. :|

But I know better now, it was five years ago. I know and believe that when we felt angry or frustrated towards somebody, we're unintentionally hurting them and hurting ourselves. We shouldn't be withdrawing or pulling away ourselves from the source of pain because the issue will be left uncorrected. We should face it. That's why in all circumstances, I always advise people to reconcile, forgive and admit to the other person that we know that we've hurt them. This humbles us and shows that we're experiencing pain because of a wounded relationship and we know to ourselves that we have to heal it or else it will be an infected sore. By humbling ourselves in this way we may restore the feelings of unconditional love and reconciliation can take place... Yes? Yes? :lol:

Sorry for being long-winded again. Gaaah... I sometimes hate it when this happens! :mrgreen:
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by ness »

Good luck, Seraphin! I hope you find some answers.
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Re: A sistеrly "love"

Post by Seraphin »

Bless you ness!
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