I kind of know what you're going through so I'd like to share some things with you and offer you some suggestions that have helped me personally. I feel pretty confident they may help you too.
demoure wrote:i need to know what is the most direct route to let go of the suffering i project upon my self and others b/c i feel worthless therefore they must think the same.
There is a lot of truth in the last half of that statement. What we think & believe is projected out into the Universe. Our thoughts & feelings become a prophecy of our impending reality. The most direct route to letting go of suffering? Focus on thoughts and feelings of joy, gratitude & love. I know it may sound overly simplistic or perhaps easier said then done but is the most direct route.
demoure wrote:it has been many years since anyone has harmed me in fact i have been receiving lots of love and support yet i create ways to feel bad my thoughts are so detrimental it creates intense physical sensations i can feel the anger,hurt, and self hatred gnarling and twisting my insides.
When we're children we love, laugh & play. As we grow we're taught how to hate others & ourselves. We forget how to feel real joy and we forget how to play. Our brains are programmed at an early age to grow up, work hard instead of play and that we need to be perfect to have any value whether that be through physical appearance, physical achievements or intelligence.
The truth is we are all perfectly imperfect. Each of us has unique abilities & talents. Each of us were put on this earth for a divine purpose. You were created for a purpose and you have great potential to do amazing and wonderful things if you choose to. You have the ability to make a difference in the lives of others & make the world a better place one person at a time. But because of your 'programming', these negative emotions you're feeling are preventing you from discovering your purpose & talents.
So if you truly want to be rid of the self loathing, you need to work on reprogramming your brain & emotions as well as do some serious soul searching. It means letting go of the familiar emotions and embracing new emotions. It means being self aware of your thoughts & feelings so when you feel the hate & negativity you can use coping skills, meditations & magick to replace them with love & joy.
demoure wrote:the outside world always seems so full of noise i find the most solace at my desk in my bedroom with the door shut in the dark at my laptop when the night comes and the world goes quiet. i'm constantly plagued thinking everyone just wants me out of the way whether it's strangers or loved ones whether i'm walking down the street or sitting in my living room i feel i'm bothering everyone just by being. logically i know these thoughts are untrue i've tried to counteract them with positive self talk questioning how true my thoughts are trying to reverse the negative effect i have on myself yet the intense physicality continues to thrive persisting squeezing twisting up my insides it gets so bad sometimes i want to take part in self harm to alleviate such pent up malevolence.
I used to cut myself to release the pent up anxiety & anger I would have or to punish myself if I felt I upset someone. I have better ways of dealing with things now. There is no shame in taking an anti-depressant. With the lack of nutrients in our food, its more and more common for people to have chemical imbalances that make it very difficult to deal with these types of emotions. If you are dead set against medication then I strongly urge you to pick up an herbal supplement such as St John's Wort or SAM-e. Giving your body the nutrients it needs to maintain the proper chemical balances will lessen the intensity of your feelings so they will become more manageable but remember what you're feeling is an imbalance of the Mind/Body/Spirit so you need to also heal your mind & spirit.
demoure wrote:often i feel i can't get enough air like a vacuum is sucking away at my lungs where i have to fight for my own breath. i've tried so many conventional methods therapy (of all kinds cbt dbt group individual), self help, medication, creating a support system. there is nothing left anyone can do for me i have to do it and the different ways i've tried to attain a sense of value/self worth have only gotten me so far. so i need your help of how to stop recreating an endless amount of suffering towards myself i picked up right where my abusers left off continuing the cycle. i need to hear how to heal my soul of this viciousness i put myself through day in and day out. i need to hear how to begin my own personal soul work. the tools and resources of the physical world do not reach me in the way i need so i need help transcending all physical limitation so my true self can emerge free of all afflictions holding me back on a daily basis. ty for allowing me to share my troubles and being willing to help me as best you can.
As I mentioned, you need healing of the Mind, Body & Soul. I'm not a doctor and if at any point you feel suicidal do not hesitate to go to the emergency room. In the meantime, over the next couple days, I'll start a new thread with suggestions of how to help you get your mind/body/soul back in balance & post a link to the thread here. I just need some time to consult with Spirit as to what would be most beneficial for you.
Hang in there! <3