I gotta say, this post hit a lot of my nerves.
I ABSOLUTELY third the advice given above, in that you yourself should look into counseling as well, to help you sort out your feelings and find acceptance.
What has happened to this woman is horrible, and I feel for her. As Snowcat said, rape isn't about sex. As a male that has seen firsthand, and actually cares about, the damage rape does, I urge you to be an ally. When men make rape jokes, or cat call, or talk about how ****able (or not) a woman is, call 'em out. Take a look at our culture, our world, and fight misogyny.
The rest, I think, is gonna be a bit abrasive. So be it.
In no particular order, here are my thoughts:
Problem #1: What this woman has been through, she chose to share with you, I reckon, because she trusted you. She trusted you to accept it, that this is part of her life, and probably shapes her view of the world and how she handles relationships, probably especially with males. I do think it's manipulative and possessive of you to co-opt her experiences and allow yourself to wallow in HER pain. That may not be intentional, but the result is the same.
Problem #2: I'm sure that, whether you've spoken to her or not of your difficulties coming to terms with HER story, she knows. That will not help her heal! Instead of focusing on helping herself, she's focused partially on herself, and partially on helping you. That's not fair. Especially since:
Problem #3: You were not in her life at the time of these events. Why are you focusing so much on the specifics of what happened? I get the feeling that:
Problem #4: Your perception is that something that belongs to you was sullied. And no. It doesn't matter how much you love another person, they belong to, and ONLY to, themselves.
I've also got to say that sometimes, no matter how much we love another person, no matter how unfair it is, relationships don't work out. Sometimes we really really really want them to, but it's not always the best thing. Sometimes one or both people need to figure stuff out without the distraction of a relationship. That's ok. (For example, AA strongly suggests not entering into new romantic relationships until a certain amount of time/ work has passed. Healing from trauma isn't the same as being a recovering addict, but I find that there are similarities.)