Help me find a spiritual path

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moonraingirl
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Re: help me find a spiritual path

Post by moonraingirl »

Thank you for your response. Yes, it will surely take a long time before I find the answers.
Did you decide to leave the convent because you were misunderstood by the authorities? Sorry if that's a personal question, you don't have to answer.

I renounced the occult things and confessed them. It was a relief, but it's like it wasn't enough. There were bad things happening since my New Age period. But that was nothing compared to what came when I decided to join the Church. At first, when I accepted Christ, It got better as a sign that he helped me. But...

It all got worse when I was officially accepted to Church. Than my panic attacks in church began. By religious OCD I don't mean the inner fire and visions and that sweet butterfly feeling of the Holy Spirit. I almost instantly lost ALL of God's love that I experienced before. I couldn't even remember many powerful events when God showed me his presence and power- either in visions or in reality. I remembered those things technically, but it was as if watching a movie with an actress, not me.

At that time my mom was diagnosed with leukaemia and I developed a strong urge to pray more and more. Without any love towards God, without any hope, I made myself pray like 3 rosaries, Litanies to the HS, Loretane Litanies, Litany to John Paul II and prayer to Angels every day. Otherwise, I believed, God would torture my mum even more.And it would be my fault. I once felt deep LOVE of God and I was so full of Spirit, but it was as if that day when I had my confirmation, everything was lost and only fear and emptiness remained. I was accused that oh, this is your first test and things are not going your way so you give up. You are selfish but God has his own plans, blah, blah. Trust me, it wasn't because God didn't listen to my prayers! It was something much, much deeper that can't be expressed by words, how empty I felt. It was not a common spiritual drought that I experienced before.

I don't know, maybe it was a Dark Night of Soul as John of the cross wrote about it. Where there once was God's love, it turned into fear and feeling that yes, God does exist and he hates me. And, while before my confirmation, I used to get such beautiful signs of his Love, suddenly, there were verses of horrible hatred and violence of God from the Old testament. I really tried to please God so much, I wanted to love him as before! But the more I did, with compulsive prayer, the worse I felt and the more I was afraid of Him. I did not have strict parents that would cause my fear of authorities. And I truly have experienced his love in visions. I knew what it was like to be in his presence. But suddenly, for no apparent reason, it was all gone and forgotten! I finally decided that either I become an atheist/agnostic/pagan or I will end up in mental hospital. So as a form of self-defense, i chose the former. And my mental issues improved after that.

During the whole time there was stuff happening on physical plane, like unprobable accidents, misfortunes, health problems, business problems. Individually, they were not serious. But all together it is clear that "something" is going on.

I know there's probably nothing you can advice me. I don't expect any how-to's. It means so much to me that someone is reading these long rants. Because it's already been a long time and no one seems to understand.
Thank you.
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SpiritTalker
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Re: Help me find a spiritual path

Post by SpiritTalker »

Oh my. You have hit the icy patch and it's slippery. Thank you for clarifying what you meant by OCD, cuz my reference was merely over zealous. I would say you have taken the path that was necessary. Any other choice would be like swimming in an avalanche. The god-level is going to figure that out, so don't sweat it.

Somehow you may need to be taken apart and put back together again, in the spirit-level. The pagan paths are the right place to find that sort of experience. How, is the question. I don't know, but your inner self knows. Just got to farm that out of your consciousness somehow.

I guess go back to what I originally said about working with heart and crown to access the higher self. It is your own Being that would be guiding you, and this level of ourselves is strong and It can't be fooled.

Edit: you wrote earlier in this post of a video that referenced the higher self made sense to you. So you already know about this. I went back and reread the post and had missed that. But you already are getting it.

I had never heard of Teal Swan either, and just watched her you-tube on How to Heal the Emotional Body. If you haven't viewed that one yet, it's good. I found myself working the system as she spoke and identified some useful stuff in my history I need to know. I wasn't even trying, so gee. Gonna use it myself.

Oh heck, to answer your other q. I left religious life because it was the right thing to do to further my journey, because I was swimming an avalanche.
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moonraingirl
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Re: Help me find a spiritual path

Post by moonraingirl »

Thanks SpiritTalker, I'll do those things. It will take time, but I feel I'm on right way.
Good luck with your healing as well! :-)
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silverowl
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Re: Help me find a spiritual path

Post by silverowl »

Man I could have written this myself! [GRINNING FACE WITH SMILING EYES] it took me a little while I figure out my path. Like you I'm not interested in dabbling too much with anything complicated or contacting spirits. I'm still sorting it out, but I settled on kitchen witchery and remaining solitary as opposed to joining a coven. I'd like to focus on healing arts as well. I'm not sure how you feel regarding deities but I'm still choosing to worship the Christian God. It's hard living the Christian lifestyle that's expected of you when you're a hsp and close to nature, but the thing I love so much about this particular road if you will is that there are so many paths people are free to take with none of them necessarily being "wrong". I hope I made sense I haven't had my coffee yet lol.
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moonraingirl
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Re: Help me find a spiritual path

Post by moonraingirl »

Hi silverowl :)
I'm glad that we share similar beliefs and experiences. I still am closest to Christian deity. I believe in Jesus and Mary, also like praying to saints. However there's distrust towards God the Father, I just don't feel comfortable praying to him. I've got quite a love-hate relationship to that religion. It's like I both do and don't believe in that. But for the reasons explained above, I'm hesitant to pay more attention to them for the fear that the symptoms could return.
I like the idea of freedom in spirituality. I think everyone is unique and different approaches work for different people.
Right now, I've got so much to learn!
What kind of healing arts are you practising? Have you tried reiki?
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Firebird
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Re: Help me find a spiritual path

Post by Firebird »

:)
“There are things known and things unknown and in between are the Doors.”
― Jim Morrison
“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”
― RWEmerson
:mrgreen:
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