Past Life Relationships

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Kassandra
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Re: Past Life Relationships

Post by Kassandra »

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Painful Realities

It's understandable that you're hurt. You're grieving and you want your family in tact again, and that's understandable. But the truth is, you can't police other adults. The key words are "he has chosen," which you mention at least twice in this post. You can't "help free" someone who's chosen his path. He doesn't consider himself bound in any way, so he doesn't view himself as needing to be "freed." That's what you're projecting onto the situation, along with this past lives spin and whatnot (honestly, with all this ongoing drama, until you get this resolved you really shouldn't be dabbling in any metaphysics at all; in times of stress it has a way of distorting one's perceptions, and making one unstable).

But it's your way of trying to make sense of it, trying to understand and control an out-of-control situation. It helps you dissociate from the horrible pain you're probably feeling inside. It takes your mind away from the reality, which is that he's really not an innocent victim that needs any saving. He knows what he's doing, and he's enjoying what he's doing, or he wouldn't be doing it. He's not asking for "help" from you, nor from anyone else. That's a painful reality you're struggling to deal with.

But here's another uncomfortable reality to consider: dealing with a man like this who has no sense of sexual boundaries is scary and unpredictable. Say for instance you stayed with him and had a girl-child with him ...would he regularly molest her one day too? Where's the limit? Pervs don't "come to their senses" because they don't have any. Try to be thankful he showed his true colors like this early in your marriage, before any more children became involved.


Refocus Your Energy

The only "unhealthy connection" you need to be concerned with at this point, is your obsession with this mess. Help free yourself from it. You're giving a lot of power and energy to it, and even, believe it or not, to his cousin. She's the center piece of the drama you're feeding on, and it seems like you're somewhat addicted to the drama his behavior causes. This is what they call co-dependency, and it does tend to have this psychic-vampirism dynamic to it. The co-dependent feeds on the energy created by someone else's problems, and even contributes more energy to keep the fire of it alive.

For instance, look at the long diatribes you've devoted to his cousin here, and on your blog. That's a lot of keystrokes! You're practically memorializing her, enshrining her in words like you're in awe of some all-encompassing power (you're imagining that) she has over people. What love and hate have in common is the focused, highly charged attention we tend to give them both. A wiser investment of your mental and emotional energy, instead, is to work on getting your head, and your life, out of this mess.

What can you do? Take the kid and move on. A sick perv is a sick perv, and you made the mistake of marrying a sick perv. So what. We all make mistakes. You're young, you have time. Correct the mistake, and move on. He wants a divorce so he could further decline into his pervertedness? Give it to him and get him out of your face! If he and his cousin have a bunch of messed up, inbred, retarded kids together, that's not your problem. Nothing that happens to him is your problem. Refocus your energy only on you and the kid.


Be Co-Dependent No More

Learn to take good care of yourself, and learn a better definition of what love means. You say you "love" him, but it seems more likely that you may have never actually experienced a healthy love relationship to know what it feels like, nor ever had one modeled before you in life. But here's good news: a cardinal rule in feng shui is if you first clean out the old junk, you allow new, good things into your life. A real, healthy love relationship can enter your life, but first you have to remove the garbage that's currently blocking it.

Honestly, if your son's compulsively-lying, incest-loving dad does disown him, that might not be such a bad thing. He needs to see and experience what it's like to have a dad that is both an authentic father to him, and a loving husband to you. He needs to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and he won't see that if you're with someone who's not right. Consider your soon-to-be-ex just the sperm donor, and move on.

Before you do anything, work to get to the bottom of what's fueling your co-dependent behavior, and heal from it, otherwise you'll repeat it again and again and again, with different names and faces. Is it a fear of being alone? Is it low self-worth? Are you merely repeating your mother's behavior, and not realizing you're doing it until now? Attend a support group of some sort, and/or get personal therapy if you can afford it, walk through of it. Buy, read, and do all the exercises in the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. You need to be "all there" mentally and emotionally to nurture that beautiful little baby of yours, and right now, with this unhealthy dynamic you're in the middle of, you're not.
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Kassandra
Posts: 3193
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:42 pm
Gender: Female
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Re: Past Life Relationships

Post by Kassandra »

"Letter writing" is a cathartic way to cleanse the soul. I often advise clients to write a letter "to" grief when they lose a loved one or a deep-level relationship. It's amazing what comes up in those letters, things they didn't even know they thought and felt.

I often use the method myself. It gives voice to important sentiments that otherwise would have remained unvoiced, unexpressed, and eventually may have taken up residence in my mind or body in the form of illness. It helps me to not take along baggage in life, but let it go and move on.

We experience constant "births" and "deaths" every moment we're alive, every week, every month, every year. We can't get attached to either. But we can't dissociate from them when they're painful, either. It's best to fully experience them, learn from them, express ourselves in regard to them, then move on.

Keep working through this. May you birth many more lovely things in your life, my friend.
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