I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

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nature_in_control
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I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

As of late, I have a major problem and it's thoroughly bringing me down and keeping me down. I'm head over heels in love with my stepsister. Well, my dad's partners daughter, they have no intention of getting married for complex reasons, so she's not officially my stepsister, but it still poses problems. I've become so close to her as she has to me and I'm worried that this might mess all that up, but I can't keep her off my mind. She's in my dreams and she sneaks into my head whenever I try to forget about her, but I know it can never be. She's perfect in every way and I've never felt so strongly about anyone, and she constantly talks to me about guys, which flatters me and makes me jealous, and I'd give anything to be with her.

It's causing me so much heartache and doing a damn good job of making me depressed.

What should I do?
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Khaleesi
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by Khaleesi »

nature_in_control wrote:As of late, I have a major problem and it's thoroughly bringing me down and keeping me down. I'm head over heels in love with my stepsister. Well, my dad's partners daughter, they have no intention of getting married for complex reasons, so she's not officially my stepsister, but it still poses problems. I've become so close to her as she has to me and I'm worried that this might mess all that up, but I can't keep her off my mind. She's in my dreams and she sneaks into my head whenever I try to forget about her, but I know it can never be. She's perfect in every way and I've never felt so strongly about anyone, and she constantly talks to me about guys, which flatters me and makes me jealous, and I'd give anything to be with her.

It's causing me so much heartache and doing a damn good job of making me depressed.

What should I do?
Tough call. May I ask, how old are you and how old she is? I see you posted this under Teen Concerns so I'm going to assume you are under 20 years old? To be honest, I'm not sure what advice to give. I am trying to imagine myself in the situation you are in and I'm not quite sure what I'd do if I was in your shoes. Even though I haven't been in the same situation you are in, I have been in situations where there was this tragic feeling of lovers who could not be together for whatever reason. Sometimes it couldn't happen because the love was unrequited, or because one person was already taken, or because external circumstances would not allow it (i.e. distance). In those cases, what I did for myself was just realize that maybe it's not meant to be, which is heartbreaking in and of itself. I know that's not what someone wants to hear-- especially not someone as young as you who is feeling these feelings so deeply and intimately for this girl... a girl whom you have implied might share the same feelings for you as well.

I hesitate in suggesting you talk it over with your dad, but since you are under age, maybe this is something that your parent should have a say in? It's not like this is incest or anything illegal in those terms; this girl isn't a blood relative of yours. However, again, since you are under age, it does strike me as something your parents should be giving some input on. If you were an adult I'd say, "Who cares? You two are adults, not related by blood, so do what you feel is right!" However, that's not the case, so, again, I just hesitate in advising much, especially since I don't know how old you are (i.e. there's a huge difference between being 14 and being 17, especially in relation to this question... also, the girl's age is just as important).

So, even though it might sound horrible to hear, perhaps the best thing for you to do is wait until you and this girl are older? Maybe you two could just stay friends/future step-siblings with one another until you both are on your own and can function in an adult relationship together? I would also suggest speaking to your dad about it in the meantime, but the only issue with that is, I'm not sure how your dad would react to this news. Maybe he already senses that you two have feelings for one another? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and his partner would be okay with you two dating... maybe not. It's hard to say.

Sorry I wasn't of much help. Like I said, it's really hard to give advice on this subject considering your age. I really don't want to advise you to do anything that you wouldn't run by your parent(s) first, but considering that may be part of the problem here since it directly involves one of them, it's a tough call. Hopefully someone else on the board will have some better advice/suggestions. But if it was me? I'd wait. If you really truly love her, waiting until you guys are old enough to do your own thing would be the most favorable scenario, I think. But that's just me. Good luck to you.
nature_in_control
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

Thank you for the advice. I myself am 18 and she is 16. I am going to try and speak to my dad about this but it's difficult because he is ver old fashioned in his views. I shall keep updated with how it goes.
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Khaleesi
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by Khaleesi »

nature_in_control wrote:Thank you for the advice. I myself am 18 and she is 16. I am going to try and speak to my dad about this but it's difficult because he is ver old fashioned in his views. I shall keep updated with how it goes.
Well, 18 and 16 doesn't sound too far off, but 16 still is years away from 18, if you know what I mean. :lol: Those 2 years make a huge difference, even though you are 18 and considered "of age" right now in most areas of the world. However, the only thing that concerns me is that she is still 16. Also, you are positive that she returns your feelings? Because you may not even need to talk to your dad if she doesn't reciprocate the feelings. I am assuming she does by the way you implied she did in your first post.

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope things work out well and do keep us updated. :wink:
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Kassandra
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by Kassandra »

.

Sounds like your nature is way out-of-control...

It's Normal

Alright, I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, this is such a common problem. You know how many times I've heard this from step-people? Lots. Not only is she not a blood relative to you, she's not even an in-law in any way. So, in actuality, she's just a girl you know whom you happen to be attracted to (though your brain does, your emotions don't care about the "she's my dad's girlfriend's daughter" part). Keep telling yourself that your reaction is normal and healthy, because it is. Don't beat yourself up about it. In this messed-up world you will encounter more than your fair share of people who will judge you unfairly ....don't be one of those people.


Get Your Mojo Workin'

In fact, whenever we try to suppress something, all we really do is think about it more. It's like a smoker repeating to himself, "I will not think about smoking. I will not think about smoking. I will not...." Now, what is he really doing? Thinking about smoking! The subconscious mind doesn't hear the "I will not" part. It only hears "smoking, smoking, smoking," loud and clear! lol So don't try so hard not to do something. Instead, try harder at doing other things. She'll stop "creeping" into your mind if you really busy yourself with other things. Does that make sense?

There has to be fifty-two gajillion girls in the world, at least, maybe more, so there is no reason to sit around jonesin' on one single one...who could potentially be your sister one day. Come on. So, get out there and meet some girls!! Hang out at the neighborhood teen center. Gather up a gang of buds, male and female, and go see a movie together (hey, the new Wolverine movie is out!). Crawl out of your shy shell and join some kind of club after school, a special interest group you've always wondered about, but never looked into before.



Bad Pattern

Otherwise, you're gonna' end up all messed up like this guy, and you don't want that: Been secretly in love with my step sister my whole life........ Don't set up that kind of unhealthy pattern in your life, especially in your love life. As the first response on that page says, people who enter into what they know will be "impossible" relationships, subconsciously avoid "real" relationships in their lives. It's a kind of escapism. I've seen a lot of single women do that when getting involved with married men. They enjoy the drama, the pining away and all that, but can't handle a real, reciprocating love relationship. So, don't set up that kind of mentality this early in your life. Get involved in real, grounded relationships that are not obssessions.



Talking to Pops


And as far as dad goes, in my opinion you gotta' say something to him. Perhaps word it along the lines of, "Look Dad, I'm a healthy, hormonal teenage male. Don't you remember what that felt like? And now there's this hot chick right in front of me all the time. How do you think that makes me feel?" and see what he says. I have to admit, if I were in his shoes that would be tough. Say, I had a teenaged daughter that was digging my boyfriend's son. What would I say to her? Like Khaleesi said, that's a tough call. Well, hopefully your dad could be objective and mature, remembering what it was like when he was a hormonal teenage male, too, and give you good advice. But if he's gotten all religious now or something, then yeah, he's gonna' lecture you and stuff. Unfortunately, as people get older, they forget more and more what it was like to be young.


Emotional Rehab

As far as getting over your feelings for her, handle it like someone trying to quit using a drug. Most importantly, stay out of situations where you'd be alone with it --I mean, with her. When I decided to stop drinking any alcohol, I stopped going to "happy hours," even though all my friends still did. I know you're going to see her a lot while your dad is involved with her mom, especially if he marries her. But there are things you could do to avoid those one-on-one scenarios, you know what I mean? Like, no late-night romantic chit-chats alone on the porch, for example. You have to sever the tie.



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nature_in_control
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

Kassandra, I appreciate the advice but I do keep myself busy. She still winds up in my thoughts. You're also stereotyping just a bit that I'm only physically attracted to her, which coukd not be further from the truth. You also act as if this just another hormonal teenage crush or something, which, again isn't the case. It physically depresses me that I can NEVER be with her. She is and always will be the one that got away, I know that because it's feelings returning from a break. I thought I'd gotten over her, but then bam! There they are again. I don't believe in just trying to get with a girl to forget about another, that's playing them for fools and that isn't fair at all. I also try to be social but its not easy when half the popukation if not three quarters are just plain bitches. They are far from a girl I'd want to be with.
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Kassandra
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by Kassandra »

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Fair enough. You are 18 after all, an adult. My answer was geared more toward someone who is like 15 or so, I think. Like Khaleesi said, during teen years one year makes a huge difference. I remember that --who I was at 14 versus who I was at 18, totally different (so, for all you out there that may be like, 12 through 16 or something, all of the above applies, OK? ...just so it wasn't wasted typing on my part, lol).

And I totally agree with you, also, about the quantity versus quality dilemma when it comes to girls (and guys for that matter, trust me!). You could meet 20 people --no, 50 people, and they could all be superficial, psycho, or otherwise just not right for you. You're totally right. She must be really special then, and so must you to know this. I think you're a good man.

Well, I'll take a totally different approach, then. Has she shown any indication that she feels similar to how you feel, and she's just as conflicted? If so, she probably doesn't want to freak her mom out as much as you don't want to freak your dad out. For parents, there's always all that "what will the relatives think?" and the friends, and the neighbors, and... So, unfortunately, if you guys did want to get together you'd have enough guilt thrown at you to fill a swimming pool. This is truly a tough one.

One side of me says she's almost 18 and maybe you guys just keep things on the down-low until then. But even after that, it will still always be socially awkward ...unless you guys move to another state and start all over. The other side of me is still trying to put myself in your dad's shoes ...what would I say as a parent? (I think my answer in my first post is my "parental voice" speaking, lol)

This is tough.

Yes, keep us posted on how your talk with your dad goes. Sorry you're feeling torn in your heart over this. But, I have a feeling everything's going to work out well with this, I really do.



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nature_in_control
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

Thanks Kassandra. I'm going to speak to her when she gets back from Holiday in a weeks time. I shall update you on how that goes.
~*nature_in_control*~

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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

Okay, just an update, I told my douchebag dad and all he said was im not telling her and you aren't either. Basically he helped none.
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Khaleesi
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by Khaleesi »

nature_in_control wrote:Okay, just an update, I told my douchebag dad and all he said was im not telling her and you aren't either. Basically he helped none.
Well, it did help some, because now you know how he feels about it. So, now you have 3 choices:

1. see her behind your father's back and face the possible consequences of doing so,
2. wait to be with her when the both of you are old enough to be living on your own,
or
3. accept that it's not meant to be and leave it at that.

Also, as I brought up before, does she return your feelings? What if she says she doesn't? How will you feel then? How will it effect the family dynamic if she doesn't love you back the way you love her? These are important questions to consider. It's like when there are 2 best friends and one of the friends falls in love with the other. Does the best friend tell the other their feelings? If so, and they don't return the same feeling, it could ruin the friendship forever. Are you willing to take a similar risk?

Sadly, loving someone isn't about owning or possessing them as 'yours.' Truly loving someone is about wanting to see them happy, even if that means you can't be in their life they way you want to be in their life. I hate to sound cliche', but if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, then you must have faith that there's someone else out there for you. As hard as that may be to believe right now, you have to have faith that it is true. I've been in love with 3 men in my life that was unrequited and/or just not able to happen for whatever reason. The first was so many years ago and I still think about him to this very day. If he walked in the room right now I'd probably collapse at his feet-- that's how much I felt for this man. The second man was from a couple years ago and it was painful because I had to see him every day at work. And the third was just recently, but I told myself that I have to accept that there's no way it would ever work out and just to forget about him for good before I put myself through any more emotional turmoil. But with all 3 of them, I wish them nothing but the best. I hope and pray every day that they are happy and have found/kept partners that bring them the love and peace they deserve, as painful as it is for me to know that that person in their life was and could never be me.

So, love isn't fair. You can't choose whom you fall in love with. However, you can choose how you deal with the situation. And like I said, if you truly love her, you will love her from afar and keep it at that if it's not meant to be. It hurts, but if you truly love her and it's unrequited or the relationships would cause lots of pain for a lot of people (including the both of you), then step back and really think this over. And if she honestly does return the same feelings? All the better! But I would still at least wait until she's older until making any more moves, full knowing how your dad feels about things (and the fact that she is only 16...).
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Re: I think I'm in love with my step-sister. Help!

Post by nature_in_control »

Nothing would make me happier than to see her happy, but she's under pressure from an awkward father, ny father and her traditional mother. She does give strong indications that she feels the same way about me, but she's too scared to even try because everything would just blow up, and that is the part that is causing me a tonne of anguish.
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