Hey there, Dorothy -- are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch? Is your friend
acting like a bitch? Answer these five questions from Samantha's Twisted
Book of Shadows and find out which witch is which?
1. These days I ride:
b) a broom
c) a vibrator
d) a vacuum cleaner
e) the bus home alone
2. My familiar is:
a) a dog named Toto
b) a flying monkey I conjured up the other day in my cauldron
c) Sailor Moon
d) several black cats
e) a gay friend
3. My idea of a good time is:
a) baking cupcakes for the poor
b) stealing food and reselling it outside the food bank
c) dressing up like Vampira and going to fetish night
d) doing impressions of Margaret Hamilton to amuse my friends
e) being alone so nobody hurts my feelings.
4. My favorite television witch is:
a) Martha Stewart
b) Endora from Bewitched
c) Sabrina the Teenage Witch
d) Starwitch Locklear
e) Kathie Lee Gifford.
5. My favorite witch movie is:
a) Practical Magic
b) The Craft
c) Rosemary's Baby
d) Mommie Dearest
e) The Wizard of Oz.
Now analyze your answers below to find out what kind of witch you are!!
A) GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH
If your answers were all "a", you are a modern Glinda the Good Witch. You
visualize all your troubles surrounded in a bubble and floating away from
you, and it works. Congratulations.
1. You're probably a real tree-hugger and into horses and nature and all
2. You're just like Dorothy, who, if you'll recall, was Glinda the Good
Witch's protégée in The Wizard of Oz.
3. You know that all the goodness that you do comes back to you three by
three by three.
4. You love the way Martha Stewart says, "It's a good thing" at the end of
5. You love the idea of a bunch of modern witches mixing up potions from
kitchen cupboards, wearing headscarves and dancing to music by Stevie
B) A WICKED WITCH
If your answers were all "b", you are just plain eeevil.
1. If you get on a broom and your feet actually lift off the ground, that
is truly creepy.
2. A monkey with wings is a dead giveaway.
3. To steal from the poor is pretty unspeakably evil.
4. Endora's a wicked old crone just like you -- only a little prettier.
5. You kind of like that Fairuza kid... you wish you had a daughter just
C) YOU'RE A WITCH WANNABE
If your answers are all "c", you're just a wannabe. You've bought one of
do-it-yourself witchcraft books at the local new-age store, and even
you've been following the recipes, havoc is still being wreaked in your
life. Do you think that if a spell actually worked, a real witch would
really give her secrets of success away in a book that could be had for 10
bucks? Think about it.
1. If all those love spells you do actually worked, you wouldn't need to
be using a vibrator.
2. Dressing like Sailor Moon won't give you supernatural powers.
3. Dressing in a way that appeals to men empowers men, not you... think
4. Statistics in The Toronto Sun recently cited that witchcraft is the No.
1 interest of teenage girls, so if you're a wannabe, chances are that
this is your favorite show.
5. So far you've been practicing witchcraft all by yourself. Wouldn't it
be nice to belong to a real coven like Rosemary's friends?
D) SURPRISE... YOU'RE NOT A WITCH BUT A GAY MAN!
If your answers are all "d", you're gay! I know it's confusing, but it's
true. Gay males love a good wicked female archetype more than life itself.
1. You like to clean; that means you're gay!
2. Cats are considered to be "gay children".
3. You also like to do the occasional impression of Joan Crawford.
4. She's a Goddess in the Office! You wanna be Evil Scheming Manipulative
5. You love the scene where Joan beats little Christina with the hanger.
E) YOU'RE A WITCH'S VICTIM
If your answers are all "e", the only kind of spell you know is a fainting
spell. You're more the kind of person prone to be the victim of witches
because you refuse to acknowledge that magic exists. You wouldn't know
what an athame was if you were lying on a slab and it was plunged into
your heart (not that there's anything wrong with that).
1. Witches have cast spells so they get all the men and all the rides
2. All the straight males have been bewitched by real witches, so you're
stuck with this gay friend.
3. You are the victim of the many psychic attacks practiced by amateur
witchlets out there.
4. You don't really like Kathie Lee Gifford but for some reason every time
she's on the TV you just can't stop watching her... it's like you're under
her spell or something.
6. The Wizard of Oz is the only movie you've seen with a real witch in it.
* Editorial Note: This is our beloved Samantha exercising her funny bone;
athames are never meant to touch blood and are not used in any form of
sacrifice. No Victims were harmed or sacrificed in the writing of this
article. J (David)
By: Sam Stevens