Advice From a Murderer

I've wanted to tell you about Dean for years, but I guess I'm afraid he'll kill me if he finds out that I'm writing about him here. But I think I just need to do it. He has other reasons to want to kill me and I don't know that reading this is going to make that much of a difference. Maybe it will help him understand that I am not, nor was I ever perfect, and that if you stop putting people on a pedestal and expecting so much from them, you'll cease to be disappointed when they turn out to be normal people just like everyone else.

Advice from a murderer:

Oh, how sweet and innocent I used to be. This picture was
taken BEFORE Dean tore my world (and me) apart.
Actually, it was taken one year into our relationship. I had just turned 17.

Some of the best advice I got from Dean, and advice that I wished I had thought to pass on to his murder victim when I spoke to him on the phone as he lay dying, was some advice that Dean (I feel weird even just typing his name) shared with me as he was brutally attacking me one day. He had thrown me on a chair and climbed on top of me. He grabbed fistfuls of my hair at the roots on both side of my head and was violently shaking my head back and forth as he screamed horrible obscenities and threats directly into my ear at the top of his lungs.

At one point, he stopped shaking me and looked at me and saw that I was wide-eyed and terrified, afraid that he would murder me. He said to me, "Don't look at me that way. Never show your fear. It will only make things worse for you." Then he continued abusing me for a while longer.

Admittedly, it's difficult not to show your fear when that's what you're feeling. Expressions are usually something that happens subconsciously and most of us don't know how to control it. But it CAN be controlled with practice. Of course, then you have to remember to use your new talent when you're in a life and death situation, which is even harder because the last thing you're thinking about is, "What does my face look like right now?" lol. You're usually thinking, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!" (It's hard to think straight when you're in shock.)

I'll tell you more about Dean in the future. If you'd like to read the story of the murder I have posted it here. I can remember one time in particular where not showing my fear potentially saved my life and most definitely saved me from getting raped by a near-stranger. Click the link below to read that.

Next Rambling - My Kidnapping and Near-Rape Story