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I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! Can you help me?

Discuss mental health issues, including suicidal thoughts, here.

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! Can you help me?

Postby Starwitch » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:54 pm

Yes, I can help you. I can absolutely give you the reason that you need to NOT kill yourself. I have information on suicide that will blow you away. If you still want to commit suicide after reading this, may God have mercy on your soul.

This was written by my husband, Ron.


The following was a dream that I had while asleep, and I actually believe now that it possibly was not a dream, but a memory of past lives. The reason that I say a memory is because the feeling that I got from having or reliving this experience is one that I will never forget. And it is also one that has impacted my life so much, on so many levels, that I feel compelled to share it with the world to help those that need this type of information.

Suicide... that is the topic. Why I was re-living the memory of suicide is still not clear to me exactly. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts at the time this happened.

During one night's sleep about a month and a half ago, I had two seemingly separate memories/dreams about two different suicides. Both of which were of me committing suicide and the whole thought process that went along with the suicide, from the few moments before the actual killing of myself through to the end. As you read that last line that I wrote you may think to yourself, "Well that's not so bad," or maybe you thought "Well, it was probably quick and hopefully not too painful." Nothing could be so far from the actual truth. Quick and painless is not how things work when one commits suicide.

The first memory was one of me about to kill myself with a bullet to the head. I was there watching myself from an outside perspective. I saw the look in my own eyes. It was a look of sadness. It was also a look of grief and loneliness.

The exact reasons for doing what I was about to do were not apparent to me at that time or now. I don't think that it was necessary for me to know the exact circumstances as to why I was about to do what I was doing. The point, I felt, is that this may have been a feeling that many people have at times in their lives and that this is never the way to handle it. NEVER.

Although I was watching myself hold a shiny, large revolver in my right hand, and then pick it up and aim it towards my head, I was also thinking thoughts that were thoughts coming from my body that I was watching, which was.... "I hate my life, I hate all the things about my life, I hate everyone that is in my life, I do not want to be here in my life anymore, and I want out." I have never thought things like that in my current life that I can recall. But apparently I was re-living what was a past life of mine.

All the thoughts that I felt while holding the gun to my head were so heavy on my soul, they made me feel like I did not belong here on this earth, in this body. And, as crazy as it sounds, I felt like this was the right thing for me to do, to continue with my life, like it might be what I am supposed to do in some way. I did not think too long about it as I sat there holding the gun. I just thought that in a few moments it will all be over, and I can finally rest. I can finally have the peace that I thought I was seeking.

I saw myself close my eyes, then I saw myself pull the trigger...BANG! The next instant I was no longer watching myself, but now I am completely immersed into myself the instant the gun fires its bullet.

From that moment on is where this memory becomes extremely important. I pulled the trigger, the first memory is of my life flashing before me, this is not something new to me, as I have been in about three other circumstances in my current lifetime where I have had near-death experiences. Next, I realized that this is not the first time I've been in a suicide situation. By that, I mean, I now had thoughts of other past lives that I had ended as well. And then, as now, I had to feel the shame associated with all those lives I ended.

Before the bullet actually entered my head but had exited the gun already, I saw in my mind all the past lives and all the past suicides that I had committed, and felt all the pain and suffering that went with all the deaths. The pain and feelings that I felt were not only my own personal suffering that I had endured... And it was not only the pain felt by those closest to me either. To my surprise, I felt heartbreaking pain from people I saw in the memories that I really didn't even know while I was alive.

I felt the feelings of a woman that found my dead body after I had killed myself by blowing my head off with a shotgun. I laid there for days before she happened along to find me. She lived every day with the horrifying memories and sadness that she felt the day she found my dead body. I felt all those days of suffering for as long as she felt them, and with the same severity.

One man found my body lying in pieces at the scene of what looked like a horrific automobile accident. It was actually a scene that came to be as I, a suicidal teen, thought that I did not want to be here on this planet anymore, and so I drove 135 MPH into a bridge abutment... BOOM! An explosion that was like a bomb going off, or a large bullet hitting the bridge, then exploding. I saw the car as it gained speed coming down the highway. Next thing I knew I was looking at the speedometer inside the car... I saw 130 MPH and remembered thinking "I'll show all of them", and "We'll see how they feel now", and "It will all be over in just a few seconds". I felt hate and anger, and my emotions had grown into such a rage that it felt as if my whole body could actually explode.

I looked down again and saw 135 MPH and also saw a bridge about to come up, I steered straight into it.... CRASH! What an explosion! The car, and I too, literally came apart. This was a much longer death then the one mentioned before. I felt the car crumble in such slow-motion time that the pain was much more severe and for such a long time. I feel each piece of the car as it goes through me, and then my own body coming apart as it slams into the wall, and I feel all my parts being scattered across this huge area that covers all the lanes on that side of the highway.

The severity of the pain that I felt is not being expressed enough in my writing... It is actual pain that one can feel while living. By this, I mean, you feel actual physical pain. It's not only a memory, but a memory with added factors included. The pain is so intense and it lasts for so long, many hundreds of years.

For only a moment between the centuries of pain that I am going through, I think, "How is it that I would ever do this again, now that I know all this?" Then I realize that I am now again dead. And that I will not be remembering these past memories when I come back again. I am again frustrated and more disturbed with myself than I ever was while living in any one of the past lives I had lived.

I also realize that now the few problems that I had as a living being were so small and insignificant compared to how they really are if you kill yourself. I also realized after re-living many hundreds of suicides that I went through, that there is not any one of them that is easier, or less harmful, or less painful. All suicides are negative, and will only make your life longer, more miserable, and so much more pain - pain like you can't even imagine and for so long - and to feel all the people affected by your actions too on top of all that, it's very overwhelming. I wish I had a way to really explain how that feels.

The thoughts of the first man to see me in pieces at the car crash site was bad enough to have to experience, until all the traffic that went by and saw pieces of me scattered, and all the destruction, now had to see it as well, then they hear about it on the news and it all gets out, there were many thousands of drivers that saw me that day, because it took many, many hours to clean all that up. I had to feel all the pain and sorrow that all those drivers and passengers felt as they drove by and saw all the blood, fire, and destruction. These memories that I have to re-live are only a few of the many thousands that I actually remembered. And not only remembered, but with that added feature, of having the actual feelings of all the people that were involved with all of the suicides, at the exact same time. I can recall many of them and as I think about it more and focus on it I remember more, but not so much that I think I could or would actually remember them all. There are so many lives. I do not want to do this again ever. Do Not ever kill yourself!

A moment later, after the near-death experience, and feeling all the pain and suffering from past suicides, I hear a sizzling sound coming towards my head right where the gun was pointed. The instant that I hear the noise of the hot bullet sizzling and coming towards my head I start to feel the heat on my skin under my hair on my head. I can smell the gunpowder as it was burning in the bullet. Then the heat sensation turns into a stinging pain feeling, then a moment later the feeling of pain like I have never felt before. (I have had kidney stones in this life and thought I was going to die, I have broken many bones and had lots of stitches too, I thought that I knew what pain was.) That unbearable pain was the bullet actually going into my head, through the skin, then through the blood vessels, then through the skull bone and then into the brain itself. The thing about all this is that, it is not happening in a manner like I am writing about, it is happening at a rate of something like moving one millimeter per ten years. So basically, to go about an inch through my head, it is taking about 100 years, and all this time I am feeling the excruciating pain of the bullet searing its way through my head. This pain and suffering goes on for thousands of years, it seems.

The bullet finally exits out the other side in a much bigger hole than it created on the way into my head. What was only maybe two seconds in human time was a thousand years of pain and negative memories that I had to relive.

Everyone who commits suicide has to go through this and thinks the same thing, "Damn I do not want to do this again."

I remembered having thought it every single time I relived my suicides. This is a life that you have to live. You cannot move on until you finish the life without killing yourself. I cannot believe that I have basically failed over and over, many thousands of times. Oh my God. I will not leave this life by my own doing. If you can see what I saw, and feel what I felt, you will do the same.

Pretty shocking, right?

I want to also share information with you that I found in the book Suicide: What Really Happens in the Afterlife?

Hopefully, I'll get a chance to copy some excerpts from that book soon and share them with you.

If you're suicidal and you need help, you are welcome to PM me anytime. I really do want to help you if you're depressed.
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Postby Moon_Stone » Fri Oct 31, 2008 6:32 pm

Wow Ron, thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I can see what you mean about your feeling of a need to share this with others, and I can definitely say you are lucky to have been enlightened in such a way to realize your "repeat-performances"... so you can finally understand and move past them. Strangely, I am experiencing something similar, but not through my dreams- I discovered it through my tarot divination in part, and through this board as well, actually. I believe it was a combination of the two.

The way I look at this, I think encompassing both what you and I and many others as well have experienced during their current lives... we've all been lucky enough -this time- to see what we've been fatally repeating, over and over again through the same cycle- so we can finally begin to understand and move past it toward a new way of being. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing. :28:

Blessed Be!

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Postby LonelyAngel13 » Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:29 am

Wow, Ron, that sounds a horrible thing to have to go through.
You can take something good from it though, you know that Suicide is never the answer. It's a vicious circle, basically.

Thanks so much for the post, I'm going to send it to some friends =]
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Postby Stonehenge » Sun Nov 02, 2008 4:07 pm

I was going to wait to finish it, but I am glad that posted it as it is so far, there is more during that one night that I re-experienced that had to do with a suicide and a train. It was pretty vivid and very insightful. I will try to finish it soon. Living and learning, and having an 11 year old daughter can all take a lot of time out of ones life. But it is all good. Any other interpretations are welcome, and I have looked at it from a few different viewpoints and came up with a couple different meanings that we think it is trying to tell me, besides the obvious.

May you be filled with light,
Ron
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Postby JBRaven » Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:15 am

I know that I post this somewhere else but I will post it once more. Suicide ( not the attention seeking behavior of teens that muddle things up) may be a lesson that certian people to learn.


Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”

Doug Stanhope


Not even a suicide does away with himself out of desperation, he considers the act so long and so deliberately, that he kills himself with thinking -- one could barely call it suicide since it is thinking which takes his life. He does not kill himself with deliberation but rather kills himself because of deliberation.
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Postby JBRaven » Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:19 am

I am not saying everyone shoould kill them selves but it is a choice that you make and people must understand that it is your life to do with as you please. not thiers.
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Postby Stonehenge » Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:39 am

JBRaven wrote:
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”

Doug Stanhope




I do not know who Doug is, but in my opinion, he is not a very smart individual... Doug obviously does not have the option to change the outcome of said movie that he had been watching and it basically sucked every minute since the beginning. So to me, life is NOT like that movie. The reason that life is not like a movie is plain to see. The difference is that you do have the chance to change the outcome, instead of doing what you have done in your many past lives. You have the ability to change something that has ruined your past lives for many many lifetimes. Not to mention how many other people's lives all those suicides have hurt as well. (I looked up Doug, and I see that he is a stand-up comedian. Well, that's a great source of information for a thread like this, where life and death are being talked about on a slightly different level than it might be in a comedy club.)

Do Not take your own life, even if your whole life since you can remember has been messed up. You can change it if you want and make it better than you ever imagined. I know. If you knew what it felt like to take your own life and not be able to change that decision then you would agree with me 100%. And you would never suggest to anyone on any level to do anything any other way.

You know what my thoughts are about this and other similarly related things is? I think that suicide, war, terrorism and a few other man-made concepts are just that...man-made. They do not belong in the human language, and should not be a part of any life here on this planet. Some time ago this negativity was brought into the lives of humans and has spread like a horrible disease, and it continues to grow like kudzu on the roadside... out of control. Do not fall prey to these negative influences that the rest of the world is imposing on you and I. Stand your ground, look at what you know is right, and do the right thing. It is a simple and easy process, it may not seem so easy to you because most people are so accustomed to doing and believing things one way that it is hard for them to rethink or redo things a certain way.

Good luck to all. You will prevail. Look inside yourselves and see the light, then learn from it and share it. We then can change back the world to positive thinking rather than negative thinking like the government and others would have us do.

Lots of light,
Ron
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings on a human journey."
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Postby JBRaven » Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:14 am

I added that quote knowing he was a comedian because I don't take anti-suicide seriously, and for me it was exactly humor at what most people find too taboo to talk about.

Just because I support a choice does not mean I accept it. I support a womens choice to have an abortion but I would not practice it,

As for changing the "movie" so to speak yes you can try to change it but sometimes it will not matter how hard you try you will fail at it. While I am not supporting everyone standing in line to jump of a bridge I do support the choice to do what you think is correct even if you are killing yourself and leaving those who love you devestated.

. If you knew what it felt like to take your own life and not be able to change that decision then you would agree with me 100%. And you would never suggest to anyone on any level to do anything any other way.


People make choices everyday that they can't take back that alter others lfe just as much so i disagree with you. As long As I do not force physical death on anyone other than myself i dn't see the problem,
I do agree that suicide sucks for lack of a better word and i choose every day to live. but I can not tell some one who truely has thought about it and made an informed choice that I don't support that choice.
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Postby JBRaven » Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:16 am

And that's all I will say for I have taken up too much space with what i know is not the popular/
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Postby Starwitch » Thu Nov 06, 2008 1:09 pm

I actually used to feel the same way as JBRaven does about suicide. I didn't believe that there were any real consequences to killing oneself. Now that I've actually researched the subject and I'm not just making decisions based on my own understanding (or a lack thereof), I've come to the conclusion that God/Goddess wants us educate humans about what happens when a person commits suicide. The negative energy created from all of the suicides is a real burden on humanity. I've read books by astral travelers like Bruce Moen and Robert Monroe who do rescue work with spirits and these travelers became aware that the Earth is encircled by a large, thick layer of negative energy that comes from the fear-and-anger-based thoughts of humans. A good bit of this layer is made up of trapped souls, such as suicides who cannot move on and can't reincarnate. They're trapped in the torment of their own darkness, despair, and regret. This negativity is affecting all of us here on Earth.

It's certainly still your choice to do whatever you choose to do, but I think the mistake comes in believing that YOU and your EGO are one and the same. People let their ego take over their body and control it, making decisions that are contrary to what their soul wants. If a person spends time getting in touch with their soul and they allow their soul to make all of their major decisions for them, they will quickly and easily begin to see the error in their previous thinking. Most people don't realize that they (their soul) is one with everyone else's soul. We are all the Spirit of God, each of us being a portion of the whole. So when you make a decision that negatively affects your spirit, it also negatively affects everyone else's spirit, like ripples spreading throughout a pond. Sometimes people who think they are suicidal are simply picking up thoughts from a spirit who is already dead and is stuck in the suicidal thought pattern... which is exactly what that is, a thought pattern. And just like any other thought pattern, it can be changed if you decide that you want to put the effort into changing it.

If I were going to raise children, I would want to study what the experts have to say because it's likely that they have wisdom to share with me that would make mine and my children's lives much better. Most people never bother to learn much of anything when they have kids. This is the reason that most of the kids you meet are disturbed in one way or another. Their parents' ignorance and indifference has directly affected them in a detrimental way.

In the same way, if you're going to commit suicide, or you're close to a suicidal person that you'd like to help, there are ways that you can educate yourself with information that will very likely save your life or the life of your loved one. One resource that I highly recommend for spiritual people is the book, "Suicide: What Really Happens in the Afterlife?"

You are on this Earth for a reason. Spirit is trying to work through your human body and perform work that's important to the larger plan that's been put into motion. Even if you're too trapped within your ego's thought processes to see anything outside of your own problems, as long as you are still alive, Spirit can work through you to do its work here. For example, your whole reason for existing might be to tell a joke to one grumpy man. Now that you've made him laugh, he decides not to kill his daughter that day. His daughter is then able to grow up and have a child and that child is the woman who develops the invention that saves humanity from Global Warming.

Because we are so small, and because we allow our egos to have control over our thoughts and bodies, it's hard for us to see how we have any real significance on this Earth. But if you see things from the larger perspective, from God's perspective, you start to see that everything is important and everything is connected. Even whether you smile at a customer or store clerk today is important.

And really, now that we're on that topic, what is it with people that take a job in customer service and then don't bother to be friendly to the customers? I guess they believe that they are doing their job just by doing the work that is assigned to them.

Try to think of your job as being a light in the world, an agent for change. You're there to inspire other people in some way, large or small. If you can do that, you've performed your job. JBRaven inspired me to post this, so thank you JB. Otherwise, I would be out picking up trash off the road right now. I like picking up trash because I really just hate to see litter. But the other thing is, if the people driving by see me out there picking the litter up, they'll hopefully think twice about throwing that Taco Bell bag out the window next time they finish stuffing their face while they drive. Teenage boys and young men are apparently the worst litterbugs, so guys and everyone else...

PLEASE DON'T LITTER.... and please don't commit suicide.

Love and light,
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Thank you

Postby spellcaster555 » Sat Nov 22, 2008 7:41 pm

Thank you for blessing us with your knowledge.
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Postby Stonehenge » Sat Nov 22, 2008 7:43 pm

I am really glad to be a possible help to anyone who needs it.
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Postby elicit » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:59 am

forgive me for what im about to say

but how many of you have lived on the dark side of the road i can bet nearly 97% of you have a nearly perfect life and no harm has come to you ,
their is a alot of people i know would rather deal with the consequences of killing themselfs than deal with another day of living the nightmare that their life is now (e.g abuse any shape or form im been polite in this bit i should put something else here but if i do i will upset alot of people which i dont want to do).

the nightmare never goes away even if your are awake or asleep no magic or help or medication can help them the damage is done ,its too late the trust has been taken away form them and the world about them, after that happens what is their left only thing thats left is a black emptyness,people cant cope with this black void either theirs no one left to trust so death opens its arms and the victims walk straight to death as death gives them warmth and to be whole again

the experts might have ideas about it but hardly any of them have been in that type of situation,after you have been in that position normally the person will kill themselves most of time family members or friends cant see it till its too late


sorry about spelling or grammer
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Postby kgwitch » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:14 am

Here's my story

I once considered suicide. I made the mistake of coming out as gay at high school and I got bullied. The homophobia just escalated each day. I was jeered at by people I didn't even know, I had stones thrown at me on the way home from school and I was beaten down both physically and emotionally. After going through this for about a month or two I decided to slit my wrist, but I was too afraid to die and just began cutting myself instead. From then on I cut myself almost nightly (depending on how much abuse I endured that particular day). This became an addiction. I eventually got counselling from a teacher of mine and when I began to quit the self-harming I went through serious withdrawl symptoms such as shivering in bed I was so desperate to do it.
Since then, I've changed schools and although I have my moments, I'm pretty much healed. I have family and really close friends who love me and I'm glad I didn't end it :wink:
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Postby JBRaven » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:20 am

I don't have a perfect life and I never had, and while I do support choice you can work through your problems. Death is just a part of life not an "instant" fix or a cure, you deal with the repercussions.

And before you start making judgement on who has it "bad" and who doesn't, read these peoples heart wrenching post about being raped, cancerous, poor and hopeless and then read how they still put their best foot forward and try to make it better for them selves.
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