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I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! Can you help me?

Discuss mental health issues, including suicidal thoughts, here.

Postby Starwitch » Wed Dec 31, 2008 5:24 am

Cool, that's really great. I sent you a friend request on MySpace.

Bright Blessings,
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Postby Ryn » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:35 pm

I accepted! :)
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Postby Moon_Stone » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:56 pm

You really do have an awesome outlook on things, Ryn. :28:

And yes, you are totally normal, everything you're going through is normal, and even though it's really awful that you have to feel the way you are feeling right now after the loss of your dad, you'll emerge a stronger and more understanding person from this ordeal, I think.

It is really great that you have so many creative outlets as well ("Sevas Tra".... I love that!) -The happiest people, I've found, are those that are expressive inside and out, and art definitely helps us achieve that goal. I used to be a dancer for many, many years, and now I write and draw, so I totally understand the wonderful influence this type of creative expression has on a life.

I really look forward to getting to know you!

Bright Blessings,
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Postby Ryn » Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:14 pm

Thank you, MoonStone.

I do believe in Sevas Tra to the highest extreme because it really has saved me from previous going-ons in my life. And I do hope to come out of this stronger.

I hope to get to know you better as well. It's so refreshing to see that complete strangers can help and there are still genuine kinds people out there.
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Postby Matticus » Thu Jan 15, 2009 6:04 am

after many years of abuse from whence i was 6 or 7 years old right till i was 11, From that abuse i suffer now with PTSD and drug induced Schitzophrenia, both diagnosis at the age of 16. I resorted to drug overdoses, cutting, burning which have all left reminders on the "human canvas". I got help by seeking help from my local child family and mental health consultation service. Whilst i was a patient there i got worse due to the medication they had put me on, certain medications do not agree with me such as risperedone whilst Ariprozole and Zopiclone combined works a treat.

Anyway, back to the point, i was admitted for a year in a youth mental health unit/hospital. Were the problems of self harm still persisted and the ideation of suicide actually grew greater, with my delusions on backing after finally co operating with doctors and their practises i was put onto stable medication which not only stablized my mood but also stabalized my negative symptoms and brought them to a lower state.

Suicide my friend i have tried and not succeeded, not because i "chickened out" it was because i can safely say it wasnt my time. Wrong time, wrong place.

If you feel the need of cutting, burning or even commiting suicide just to let you know i have been there myself in the flesh. The best people for this and most dreaded are doctors due to they hold a stigma that if you go to them they will section you. Not always the case and 80% by good guess you wouldnt be, although you probably will be reffered.

Theres a difference between referals and section. Referal means a mutual understanding and agreement in those lines. Section is when you are forced against your will.

My advice to anybody who has ideation of suicide or is thinking of acting on it, you are braver than you think, your not a coward. Because you have taken the time to get up today, open your eyes and just walk over to the pc if you are reading this now. You have motivation and looking under this section of the forum tells me that you want help and not to die.

I will admit, i think about suicide alot. I try and steer others away from it. Its very hard for me to speak of physically of my expieriences as read above, and that i wrote is for you to see i understand a nice portion of what your going through and that i will help you if you come to me, if you did id be honoured. But Suicide as a whole, should not be commited.

What would people rather tell, a story when they faught against all odds?
Or took the easy way out. I know which one id prefer.

Love and light to all
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Postby Starwitch » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:48 pm

Matticus wrote:What would people rather tell, a story when they faught against all odds?
Or took the easy way out. I know which one id prefer.


Thank you for your post, Matticus. That's a great point and a new perspective on things that I hadn't considered before. It does feel good to know that you've gone through hell and that you didn't give up. And now, when you compare yourself to other people, even if your life is still in the toilet, you can proudly say, "I've gone through more crazy shit than you have."

I'm being silly, but really that's how I feel about it. I rarely meet anyone who has had a past as interesting and horrifying as mine. The few people that DO have pasts like this are usually in prison or a mental institution or dead already, so I'm kind of left with no one to relate to. I wish I had a friend I could talk openly with. Someone who is stable enough that they won't stalk me if/when I break off the friendship. It's a delicate balance that a person must reach between being able to relate to the darker side of life and not falling right off the cliff into hell or insanity.
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Postby Moon_Stone » Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:55 pm

Matticus wrote:My advice to anybody who has ideation of suicide or is thinking of acting on it, you are braver than you think, your not a coward. Because you have taken the time to get up today, open your eyes and just walk over to the pc if you are reading this now. You have motivation and looking under this section of the forum tells me that you want help and not to die.

~Well said, Matticus. That is quite true.

I'm so sorry to hear of the terrors you experienced as a young person, Matticus. I am glad to see that you conquer it though, if even just for a moment. That's really all one can ask for- take each moment as it is and fight to get where they want to be.

I, too, understand self-mutilation via cutting; I was a frequent cutter as a teenager. It was my now-husband who brought me out of it, so I'd really not know how to offer aid to someone else who reaches for knives and razors to release their pain. (To a non-cutter, that sounds nuts, I know: "cut to release their pain")...but to a cutter, it's an undeniable, internally-permeating truth. I can only describe and fully understand the individual who cuts themselves, and offer as much healing support to them as I'm able.
Even once it stops though, that need is never really gone. This, like anorexia or alcoholism for example, is something a person must fight for the rest of their life. Sometimes I lose the fight, but there are many more days where I conquer it. It may help just to know they're not alone- thank you for sharing your story here as well, Matticus.

~

Hmm , you've certainly got me curious now. I do know some of what you've endured in your past, but I'm definitely interested to know what would result in "imprisoned or institutionalized". I know you're not big on sharing and I totally understand, but if ever you want to talk (and you too, Matticus), I'd love to offer any help I can; if nothing more than an understanding ear. :28:

Blessings to you both~
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my story

Postby mystic black kat » Thu Jan 29, 2009 12:49 am

I have wanted all my life to once be normal. I am 15 but for the past 12 years I've lived my life in a wheelchair.I've come across the many faces of hate and joy. I've seen the looks from the corner of there eyes & the pitty smiles.i do my best to not let it phase me but the images instilled in my mind the feeling of not belonging.I struggled 2 find a place I belonged 4rm foster home to foster home then finally were I belong with my dad.but even still I feel as though this is not my place, I have made the friends & gotten the love I need to keep me strong.but somthing still put me back in the dark.I've tryed over docing on simple pills and drowning myself in nothing more then bath water.but most of all I've dissapointed those who care the most by cutting myself.I feel as if I've been holding my breath an eternity but once the sharp object lay against my skin some how I breath once more.only three I trusted the most to tell them and only one knows its a constant struggle to stop and he has promised on our friendship that he will do all he can to help but some how some reason I still won't to end it here. :cry: :cry:
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Postby Moon_Stone » Thu Jan 29, 2009 2:17 pm

Mystic black kat, please don't feel that everything is so desperate. I have a good friend who's in a wheelchair (partial paralysis, extends up to half of her face too), and she's just about the most positive-thinking person I've ever known. If ever there has been someone that displays just how much a positive attitude brings positive things, it's her. Sure, it's really difficult for her (she lives alone on top of it all), it's a huge production to get in the driver's seat, but she can do it... (she drives with a hand pedal) and it's a total pain in the ass to be stuck in a chair no matter who you are or how you got there... but honestly, the entire reality is all in how you look at it. If you feel awful and like a spectacle, you're helping to create that reality. If you feel there's nothing in the world you can't do and if you feel strong and confident no matter what, you are creating that reality for yourself too. Given the choice, are you happy being miserable? Are you going to continue letting a wheel-chair requirement hold you back from being the person you want to be? I hope not. I know it's really hard to think positive thoughts when everything seems and feels so negative... but it is possible, if you try. :28:

People stare and gawk at anything that's "different" -you undoubtedly happen to be the most convenient 'different' thing to look at. It's part of human curiosity- that's why the news broadcasts are all about the negative things in the world and why people slow to a crawl when there's a possibility of blood and guts on the road after an auto accident. People are naturally lookey-loo's and if you think about it, how many people have you seen run into things because they're too busy staring at someone... or just stop dead in their tracks to stare, wide eyed and open mouthed? If you think about it, they're the ones looking incredibly stupid at that moment, so really, you are the one who has more of a right to be pointing and laughing than they do!

Please don't continue to feel so badly about yourself, Mystic. So what, that you're stuck in a chair? Every experience a person endures is because there is a lesson to learn in it. I think it will help to make you a better and stronger person, able to accomplish anything. You're only 15, and it's hard enough for standing, seemingly-perfect kids to "be" at 15. Give yourself some time and be patient. There are good things to come if you let them.

Bright Blessings to you-- and if you want to talk more, feel free to PM me or (the site administrator) anytime, ok? :28:

~MoonStone
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Postby frisbee » Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:15 am

I want to express my gratitude that this thread exists. I was diagnosed with major depression ten years ago, when I was 19. Life's been a bitch over the years, but I've always told myself not to give up.

Well, the suicidal inclinations returned with a vengeance over the last few weeks. A few weeks ago, I felt it was time to end it. I went right into the counselor, and we talked through everything. It helped some, but yesterday the feelings came back. I was sitting in class contemplating how and when to do it. My list of reasons to live isn't very long, but I could not justify harming my family and friends through such an act--and I surely tried to. Of course, part of me was saying "F them. Just get rid of the pain." But after thinking things through, I wondered if that's what I wanted my lasting legacy to be--"F you."

Then I read Ron's story. A part of me wanted to write it off. Of course, many Christians will say suicide is a one-way ticket to hell, and I always thought that was insensitive and judgmental. In all honesty, I felt Ron was saying something similar, and I became angry. But it is a fact that actions can have terrible consequences, and this is one of them. Even if there is no afterlife, and death would lead me to oblivion, and even if Ron's story isn't true and there are no "consequences" for me personally, the fact is that I would be leaving behind untold suffering for my loved ones to endure the rest of their lives. I think the bottom line for most suicides is they want to get rid of pain--and in choosing that act, they actually are not getting rid of pain, but passing it on to others. Knowing that is too much, and I know at this moment that I cannot go through with it.

I will deal with the pain, just as others who've shared in this thread have dealt with theirs. I will cry out to the divine, and let the tears cleanse me. I may not be "somebody" in the eyes of most people, but I am somebody. No soul is born into this world without reason. I will turn my face towards the sky, knowing that the fact that my heart is beating at this moment is a sign from the gods that it's not my time yet. Nature must be the one who decides that. I will hurt, I will struggle, but I will move forward as best I can.

But how? How do I overcome those thoughts that litter my mind? I don't know. I guess it's just a matter of getting my ass out of bed each day and going through the motions, and hoping that someday I'll find reason to be glad that I chose to live.

My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones to suicide. I can't imagine how that must feel. I also feel compassion for those who suffered depression and lost that battle. My empathy for them comes from the fact that I've been where they were so many times.

Thanks for sharing your experiences here. Funny how posts on the stereotypical "impersonal" internet can have such an impact. You've given me much food for thought.
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." --George Carlin
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suicide

Postby dee » Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:49 am

Contemplating suicide is a daily, even minute by minute thing for some. Many people have suffered abuse, violence, trauma, loss/grief, hardship and suffering throughout their lives. Yes, that would include myself. For many years I buried myself in my work and filed all the horrible stuff away as it was too hard to deal with. Recently the straw that broke the camel's back came and I never saw it coming. Consequently, everything I knew I could do, like my job - which I was passionate about, fell into a huge heap. I thought that I could do as I had always done and keep going, bury myself further in my work and file it all away in the too hard basket. Not this time! This time I crashed and burned. This time I went to work and fell in a heap and said to my wonderful boss that I couldn't do it any more, that I needed a break. Yes, I've had the antidepressants, counselling, etc. and my head and my heart are still shattered. There were occassions where I did attempt suicide, once unsuccessfully and once interupted by my daughter. The impact it had on her was devastating. How could I have been so selfish? Do I honestly want to continue with a life which has been so painful, no. Do I want to set my children up on a similar path of self destruction? Absolutely not! Would it be easier just to do it and be done with it? They're kids, they're resilient. No, they're not. Not when it comes to this sort of stuff. How do I know? I have worked with children for many years and have seen the damage first hand. They never get over it. It affects their learning, their quality of life, everything is tinged with the pain that is ever present. Suicide is selfish! Even if you aren't a parent, you are some one's child, you may have brothers and/or sisters, how will your actions affect them? Do you want to drag them down the same path that you have walked? That's what you are doing. You're setting up a domino affect, check the statistics - friends, family, community members, especially in small/remote communities, there is a high incidence of copy cat suicides. It's not all just about you! Think of those that you will hurt and leave behind, they don't deserve to be hurt, no-one does. You protect those that you care about, you keep them safe from harm and don't let them get hurt. You don't inflict the hurt and that is what you are doing if you travel that road. I would not wish my life on anyone, I would not wish for anyone to have experienced any of what I have, I would not wish for anyone to feel the way I feel each and every day, with seemingly no end in sight. I am trying to pick myself up. I have to, for the sake of my kids. I've chosen the hard road... keep going. Don't quit. If you take nothing else from this then please consider this... life is what YOU make it!
Blessed be.
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Postby Starwitch » Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:07 pm

Thanks, Dee and Frisbee, for your posts. I know they will help many people to gain a new perspective on their lives. I'm grateful to you for sharing your experiences with us.

Frisbee, you asked how would you overcome the thoughts that litter your mind? My advice is to write about your experiences and difficulties like I do. You are an excellent writer and that is pretty rare these days. If you are interested in contributing your writings around here, please email me and we'll talk about it. Writing can be very therapeutic and when you share your stories online people will write to you and tell you how much reading your experiences helped them. It really helps you feel better about your life and yourself to know that you are doing something useful for others. I used to have a really crummy life filled with drug addiction, abuse, and all that other crap, but it was really my website and my spirituality that saved me from all that. Writing and sharing with others is something that I can't recommend highly enough.

Dee, you didn't ask about it, but if you enjoy writing, you are more than welcome to write for the site too. You are also a good writer.

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Postby SpiritMuse » Sun Sep 19, 2010 9:45 am

I know this is an older thread but the posts have really helped me. I won't go into the gory details but for the past 14 months, suicide has been in the forefront of my thoughts.

After reading Ron's post, I do believe those thoughts of suicide will be replaced with the imagery he explained.

Thank you so much for having this thread here just when I needed it most.xxxx
Blessings,
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Postby Starwitch Stone » Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:50 am

I'm really glad to hear it SpiritMuse. I told Ron what you said, so maybe he'll post. He has had some powerful visions and experiences. He's working on a website about his spiritual experiences. It's at www.TheLightEnergy.com .

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Postby Stonehenge » Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:14 pm

I hate to hear of lives that are in such turmoil. I have had a life that has had its share of bad experiences in it. My personal struggle with life and the issues it had to offer me started at a very young age, like most who have a story to tell.

I won't go into the specifics now about some of my issues and experiences, but lets just say, there are several issues, that I have dealt with in the past almost 40 years. Some not as bad or harmful as the others, but never-the-less they still affect the person that I am today. I've come to realize that as I grow older, and write about my past experiences. I also inadvertently open connections in my brain to past experiences that I seem to have blocked out, or hidden away unconsciously.

This for me is a good thing I believe. For some it may be a little harder to handle, or deal with. The things I am referring to are memories that I probably could've done without remembering. But, as life would have it, BAM... there is your memory, and my past experience(s), whether I liked it or not. These experiences that I have gone through could easily cause anyone to become tired of their life here, and bitter at the world in general. An easy road to take to suicide.

A few years before recalling all the memories that I have now of my past. (Which for some reason I don't think all my memories are yet known to me today) I had the dream I wrote about here. I personally think it was meant to be that way. So that I could have a sort of safety net, when the sh!t hit the fan so to speak for me. At least that was my first impression. After recalling some past experiences in my life, and having to re-live through the shame, embarrassment, humiliation, and pain. I realized that the dream was not only there to help me, but it was there to be told and shared with others.

To everyone that has read through this thread, and had something change because of it, I am very very happy for it. If you read through the thread and are still contemplating suicide, then email me. (ronnielandry@gmail.com) I will not harp on you for what you want to do, or why you may want to do it. That's your decision. I do however think it is necessary that you know all the facts before entering into such a decision. These facts I speak of are really more then I could ever figure out how to express properly. The feelings of despair, and overwhelming amounts of emotions when a suicide happens is about indescribable in words. But I will write you back and explain the best that I can why suicide is not the answer you are seeking. Like Starwitch mentioned above writing about your personal experiences or talking to someone who really cares about you and the issues, is good medicine for proper healing.
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings on a human journey."
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