Re: help me find a spiritual path
Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2016 2:53 pm
Thank you for your response. Yes, it will surely take a long time before I find the answers.
Did you decide to leave the convent because you were misunderstood by the authorities? Sorry if that's a personal question, you don't have to answer.
I renounced the occult things and confessed them. It was a relief, but it's like it wasn't enough. There were bad things happening since my New Age period. But that was nothing compared to what came when I decided to join the Church. At first, when I accepted Christ, It got better as a sign that he helped me. But...
It all got worse when I was officially accepted to Church. Than my panic attacks in church began. By religious OCD I don't mean the inner fire and visions and that sweet butterfly feeling of the Holy Spirit. I almost instantly lost ALL of God's love that I experienced before. I couldn't even remember many powerful events when God showed me his presence and power- either in visions or in reality. I remembered those things technically, but it was as if watching a movie with an actress, not me.
At that time my mom was diagnosed with leukaemia and I developed a strong urge to pray more and more. Without any love towards God, without any hope, I made myself pray like 3 rosaries, Litanies to the HS, Loretane Litanies, Litany to John Paul II and prayer to Angels every day. Otherwise, I believed, God would torture my mum even more.And it would be my fault. I once felt deep LOVE of God and I was so full of Spirit, but it was as if that day when I had my confirmation, everything was lost and only fear and emptiness remained. I was accused that oh, this is your first test and things are not going your way so you give up. You are selfish but God has his own plans, blah, blah. Trust me, it wasn't because God didn't listen to my prayers! It was something much, much deeper that can't be expressed by words, how empty I felt. It was not a common spiritual drought that I experienced before.
I don't know, maybe it was a Dark Night of Soul as John of the cross wrote about it. Where there once was God's love, it turned into fear and feeling that yes, God does exist and he hates me. And, while before my confirmation, I used to get such beautiful signs of his Love, suddenly, there were verses of horrible hatred and violence of God from the Old testament. I really tried to please God so much, I wanted to love him as before! But the more I did, with compulsive prayer, the worse I felt and the more I was afraid of Him. I did not have strict parents that would cause my fear of authorities. And I truly have experienced his love in visions. I knew what it was like to be in his presence. But suddenly, for no apparent reason, it was all gone and forgotten! I finally decided that either I become an atheist/agnostic/pagan or I will end up in mental hospital. So as a form of self-defense, i chose the former. And my mental issues improved after that.
During the whole time there was stuff happening on physical plane, like unprobable accidents, misfortunes, health problems, business problems. Individually, they were not serious. But all together it is clear that "something" is going on.
I know there's probably nothing you can advice me. I don't expect any how-to's. It means so much to me that someone is reading these long rants. Because it's already been a long time and no one seems to understand.
Thank you.
Did you decide to leave the convent because you were misunderstood by the authorities? Sorry if that's a personal question, you don't have to answer.
I renounced the occult things and confessed them. It was a relief, but it's like it wasn't enough. There were bad things happening since my New Age period. But that was nothing compared to what came when I decided to join the Church. At first, when I accepted Christ, It got better as a sign that he helped me. But...
It all got worse when I was officially accepted to Church. Than my panic attacks in church began. By religious OCD I don't mean the inner fire and visions and that sweet butterfly feeling of the Holy Spirit. I almost instantly lost ALL of God's love that I experienced before. I couldn't even remember many powerful events when God showed me his presence and power- either in visions or in reality. I remembered those things technically, but it was as if watching a movie with an actress, not me.
At that time my mom was diagnosed with leukaemia and I developed a strong urge to pray more and more. Without any love towards God, without any hope, I made myself pray like 3 rosaries, Litanies to the HS, Loretane Litanies, Litany to John Paul II and prayer to Angels every day. Otherwise, I believed, God would torture my mum even more.And it would be my fault. I once felt deep LOVE of God and I was so full of Spirit, but it was as if that day when I had my confirmation, everything was lost and only fear and emptiness remained. I was accused that oh, this is your first test and things are not going your way so you give up. You are selfish but God has his own plans, blah, blah. Trust me, it wasn't because God didn't listen to my prayers! It was something much, much deeper that can't be expressed by words, how empty I felt. It was not a common spiritual drought that I experienced before.
I don't know, maybe it was a Dark Night of Soul as John of the cross wrote about it. Where there once was God's love, it turned into fear and feeling that yes, God does exist and he hates me. And, while before my confirmation, I used to get such beautiful signs of his Love, suddenly, there were verses of horrible hatred and violence of God from the Old testament. I really tried to please God so much, I wanted to love him as before! But the more I did, with compulsive prayer, the worse I felt and the more I was afraid of Him. I did not have strict parents that would cause my fear of authorities. And I truly have experienced his love in visions. I knew what it was like to be in his presence. But suddenly, for no apparent reason, it was all gone and forgotten! I finally decided that either I become an atheist/agnostic/pagan or I will end up in mental hospital. So as a form of self-defense, i chose the former. And my mental issues improved after that.
During the whole time there was stuff happening on physical plane, like unprobable accidents, misfortunes, health problems, business problems. Individually, they were not serious. But all together it is clear that "something" is going on.
I know there's probably nothing you can advice me. I don't expect any how-to's. It means so much to me that someone is reading these long rants. Because it's already been a long time and no one seems to understand.
Thank you.