Everything Under the Moon

Alright... it feels really like this feeling of shame might make me do it in the end... the problem seems to be too big to handle unfortunately. To be honest, I'm not afraid of death since I've been there once. Had my NDE in SE Asia in 2010. And knowing for sure that it won't be the end... after all, I managed to read Akashic records in 2015 and got to know a bit about my past incarnations. Suicide is not the end of me, my energy will manage to exist somehow afterwards... it just feels that ultimately I screwed it all up and I can't "save/load"... I might never be able to have a normal life. Being too different... unfortunately. And I can't talk to anyone about this, trying to maintain "a positive outlook" even with the therapists... or rather, I don't have just _anyone_ to talk to, in a very raw but deadly honest way, without reactions that wouldn't point out to my selfishness or such...

The problem is this. I am very infamous LGBTQ activist. Or rather used to be. Infamous in the way... in [REDACTED] there was a huge campaign for my political asylum case in Sweden connected to my activism. Not only in Sweden, but in many different countries. If anyone googles me up, very graphic details will come up. My photos, everything I've experienced in another country that made me to flee... each and every detail of my background. I am not a criminal, just someone who dares to state that my identity and my biology are totally valid and I do have the same rights as other human beings, in a very bold way. I won't delve into further details on a public forum... yes, I did get my permanent residence permit in Sweden, and I managed to learn Swedish just within 2 years. But then... I ended up being completely isolated. I lost almost everyone in my life eventually.

There are blessings in my life of course... a landlady who got no idea about who I am, a long-distance friend in Czech Republic who also struggles a lot, my spirituality and practicing the craft and short-term stable financial situation. Problem-solving skills and my will, yes. But that's about it. I'm clinically unemployable, people just come and go - haven't managed to build just anything that could last through 30 years of life here... just feels like this rock bottom will never end.

Thee reason why I might hit "life's game over button" is this... I'm not sure if total stealth is possible in my case. Photos are just everywhere in Google, I'm easily identifiable... having no idea how to delete it all even if I manage to change my name officially. If I choose the life of total stealth, something could come up sooner or later and destroy everything, and I just don't have enough motivation to go on. It's too messed up. As someone ("almost-date") said this to me last summer, that I'm full of s*** and need to die... after that moment I got access to the akasha so I didn't do anything... but maybe she was right after all?

Is it really worth it, to continue like this?

I've been through a lot... abusive parents, molestation, bullying in school, the hell of denial, coming out as two letters from LGBTQ abbreviature in a non-LGBTQ friendly country, being a victim of domestic violence, police violence, experience of being homeless/undocumented migrant, people playing with my feelings after all that, losing respect in the local LGBTQ community, my record label that was taken over by those who I considered friends... do I need to continue this list? Last thing was this suicide recommendation from an almost-date.
Is it really worth it to continue living like this?

I know that ultimately it's me who decides on anything... and I have to talk to the therapist... _if_ I make it to next week... and such... but, switching off emotions completely, logically saying... is there any other solution?
Is living stealth... ever possible? Sweden is fairly small country... and it was about national coverage, several times.
If it's not about coverage, is it ever possible to "banish" the energy that outs me to everyone I meet in my life, with a consequence of them walking away?

PS: This is not an attention seeking or anything equal... really feeling lost.

I am so sorry you are so deeply hurting.

I care.

Please talk to somebody you love right now and tell them. Make a call. Please get help!!

Appreciated very much... but that's the thing, there is no one but my tarot deck. Was always providing guidance and advice to others, but... those few who I could call will just freak out, they're in the same position roughly. If I find some energy I'll try to cast a circle tonight and meditate, this is the only option available so far. Maybe there would be the answer from beyond... is it ever possible to live stealth or this mess is too much to deal with.

Please call healthcare professionals in your area.

Just in order to get sleeping pills... I'm calm and logical enough right now, and I've been discriminated by the system enough in order to stay away from the emergency... and such. I'm thinking very clear right now. There are no one but guides from beyond, and I'll try to get some energy together to contact them.

For you to be talking like this online it is serious. You are calm but obviously in crisis and maybe there are supports and options you aren't able to see right now.

You are reaching out and looking for help, but I can't do anything from here. All I do is ask you to get help locally. Reaching out is letting somebody know you want help. Please seek help.

[REDACTED]

I implore you to access healthcare or some kind of wrap around support, and consider that maybe you can't see it now but that there are other options than ending your life. I ask this because it's the truth though I'm sure you feel like there are no or few options. Please Citrine consider other young people and especially LGTBQ individuals here who feel lost and struggle with mental health.

Many young people, in multiple closets, come here to EUTM for support and help. To see somebody in crisis publicly stating that they wish to take their own life p, and don't see any options for support, is not a service to the young people we try to help.

I will say no more on the matter because there is nothing I can do. I have sent you a link to a local resource in Sweden. Of course I will light and candle and I will pray, but this is a serious matter and beyond what I can do. You aren't alone and I beg you to get help for you, and for other young people that face similar situations and feel there is no way out.

If EUTM guardians have suggestions please help. This is indeed serious, and I fear for Citrine and other members of the EUTM community.

I've had a lot of S*** I had to deal with today; I apologize I couldn't be on here earlier.

Citrine--if there's anything I've learned in this go-round on the big blue marble---it's that I've gotta just keep on keepin' on.
It doesn't matter how "separate" I feel...by being here, in this body, at this time, I am an important part and I can't just quit.

YOU do make a difference. You may not see it, but I KNOW you are an important piece of this puzzle.

Well... if it's all about being a starseed... I had some form of guidance last night, no idea what kind of force intervened but really - who else but a _real_ starseed could go through all this stuff and sort out things even to this kind of degree? A starseed has to act responsibly, indeed. Fluffy term but appealing to the deep awareness within since I do know my origin. And... if so, it's just so logical to just let the cycle run its course no matter what. I spent ages before... ages of preparation to this life, and to start all over again will be unwise. I'm alone on my path, but... it's just like that with my kind.

I don't want to miss "the party"... so... no harm. Love under will. Thanks to someone - you know who you are - who PM'd me here and shared her story. This triggered empathy within and perhaps everything just became a little bit more unstuck. And thanks to moldavite incense and people here as well. Being very grateful. Thank you. The Tower crumbled but the Sun is ahead. The Sun, preceded by The Moon and The Star. So much growth to go through still, until the dark night of a soul is finally over and this little starseed will truly surface...

Right, I'll call this "hbtq-terapi" unit in Stockholm tomorrow, maybe they'd have some pointers about how to go into closet / stealth most effectively and simultaneously to maintain being open within personal relationships.
I still have no idea where to start even... the mess is huge indeed.

Frankly... a prank call I received just few days ago was the last straw. That's either some idiot who got my number in the local "yellow pages" or maybe something / someone connected to the embassy of that particular country I fled. They are very aware of everything I was doing in Sweden, of all the activism... They take photos of everyone walking within Stockholm Pride with anti-that-country statements, they document every that-country-related public event. And a journalist of one of the national newspapers interviewed me and someone from the embassy together in one article in [REDACTED], so this is not just a paranoia. I used to arrange workshops & participate in panel discussions, last time it was in December... I'm not doing activism anymore because if I do, I'll be stuck forever. And people recognize me on the streets sometimes, mostly those within the local LGBTQ community, but I'm not sure if it's ever possible to "create" a new & clean background... there's nothing else left but to try after all.

Citrine, that's a really tough situation, and I'm sorry that you had to go through so much for such an important cause. I don't really know what else to say except to second all the very sound things that Becks had to say, and to send you love and light.

Citrine, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way; this is something that nobody should have to ever feel in their lifetime. I agree with the others when they say that you should seek help; this isn't something that you should have to endure alone.

I have read this a few times but like a goober I just couldn't find a way to articulate my thoughts into words in a way that would be understandable- so please, please forgive me if for responding so late.

I once had to spend a chunk of time in rehab for reasons I don't want to go into, but I will say that the first few weeks I was under suicide watch. The best thing that anyone has ever said to me while I was under their care was "the first step if realizing that you have more than just yourself to live for."
Seriously, this changed my whole way of thinking afterwards... I don't need to live just for me, I need to live for my mom, my brothers, the friends that I did have, for the people who also felt suicidal, for the ones who lost to suicide..
I truly hope you are able to reach out and get the support you need, and if you need to talk to anyone you may always PM me. We care.