Everything Under the Moon

I just feel like a nobody, and my life seems to be filled with bad luck (maybe I'll find a luck spell from this website?)

I am a overnight worker, and I make 8.5/hr, I calculated I'd be making $637 a check but due to taxes It's only $530 , and with rent and other essential expenses I'm left with little pocket change , and due to all the times I've felt suicidal and near-death experiences, I'm pretty racked with medical and student loan bills which I simply can't pay at all even on payment plans, not to mention I was trying to die those times anyway. I'm trying to get a 2nd job and I should be pretty soon but that also means I will get less free time, sometimes I just need to get away and I won't be able to do that, I might request a day off once every month, I think requesting a day off from Job A one month and Job B the next month will allow me to retain my accountability and I can retain my sanity (which means 1 free day a month, one).

Well as for my social life. I had my first girlfriend in 5th grade, but we weren't even really together, we just made out in the back of the school bus and didn't even really speak to each other in class. Then throughout middle and high I still was able to occasionally find girls willing to make out with me or spend time with me, and then there was this one time I actually did date but we only met once, the only thing that made it official was our Facebook relationship status but she got with someone else a week later.

After that the first girl I kissed in years was just some random stranger I never saw again. Then there was my neighbor who was also my co-worker, but we only kissed once and it wasn't even a long or emotional kiss. Then after that I hadn't really hanged out with any girls whatsoever. I eventually became so desperate I considered dating a guy, and even then I really only was going to do it so I could meet new girls (since he was adored by girls but at the same time, didn't care for them as much, which would've made it easier for me), which is selfish on my behalf I will admit.

I eventually met a girl named Vita, I thought she was so beautiful, and she said she thought I was really cute. I gave her an old laptop of mine, as well as a webcam so she could pursue her passion in singing, I also gave her a ruby ring which was the same as her birthstone, so it made her feel really special, she said no guy ever bought her it before. The next week (Valentine's day), I bought her a box of chocolates and gave her a letter, then we hugged and she left. She apparently stopped talking to me because she returned to her ex and thought I had an obsession. However we did end up talking again, but she really only asked me to buy her stuff or give her money, I gave in because I seemed to have a false hope we would eventually start dating or at least sleep together (I know sex doesn't matter, but I just crave the passion and intimacy that comes with it). The last time I gave her money, we took a picture together but it was on her phone. I texted her that night to send it to me but she never did, so I just gave up on her and decided to forget it, it wasn't until the next morning that she reached out to me because she was feeling suicidal because her boyfriend "permanently left her, which means they totally won't be back together in a couple of days" that I realized that I was of somewhat importance in her life. However that same day she overdosed on collatapen and pulled a knife on her grandma so she had to go to a mental hospital and from there she went to jail. As soon as I found out I put money on her phone account so we could communicate, when she first went to jail we had personal conversations but now she only calls so I can three-way to her mom, grandma, and rarely even her boyfriend. Then when I go a long time without answering her calls (really only because I am either busy or asleep), she gets depressed and one time she even cried over it, I felt guilty but I also felt special because I realized that I was important to her, but once I calmed her down she then asked me to try to get a hold of her boyfriend, so then it just made me realize I wasn't. One time I was overloaded and felt suicidal so I went to a mental hospital for 3 days and she called me everyday all day, and wrote me a 2-page letter because she thought I abandoned her, however, once we got back into contact she quickly just asked me to call her mom, we didn't even have an actual conversation. She writes me but she just asks me for requests. One time I was at the movies and she called me, she was crying because her boyfriend (I say boyfriend because anyone with analytical skills can deduce that they will never permanently break up, not for awhile!!) started seeing another woman (Shocker!!! ), and she just wanted to talk to her mom (since the bf was using her car and sleeping at her moms house). I told her I was at the movies and she said "Okay fine just get back to your date" and she said it like she was jealous, then later I asked why she was mad about my being at the movies and she said "If you date someone I would be very happy for you" but I couldn't tell if she meant it or not. I have told her that since she chooses to only be friends that I will no longer romantically pursue her, she didn't seem to mind, what I have not talked to her about, is that when I do become romantically involved with someone (which will probably never happen) that I will (have to) view her as a 2nd priority versus who I am dating who will be my 1st priority, which would only makes sense.

I have very few friends, and they have tried to get me to become social and out-going because for someone reason I seem to have some socially awkward mental illness and simply can't do what they do.

I went so far as to to flirt with a homeless drug addict woman (who was actually relatively good-looking, just not well spoken or assertive), and I would have offered her a place to stay and we could have grown from there but I had to move back in with my parents due to financial difficulties. My family would consider letting Vita stay with me, but definitely not the homeless woman, she just didn't have a positive vibe at all. I have gone to the same part of town (and restaurant) almost everyday looking for her, but she might either be dead or I just haven't been lucky.

I just can't seem to find a relationship, my social life is practically non-existent, and my financial situation is crap. Don't say "You'll meet the one", when I know unemployed people who's life is (financially) worse than mine who can still enter relationships, they at least have social skills and "game", which is something I don't have. I just can't find a motivation to go on anymore.

My initial question is, have you sought out professional help for your depression yet? That should be your first phone call, if it hasn't already been addressed.

Also, take some time to read this: http://everythingunderthemoon.net/forum ... 30309.html

Everyone is going to have different ideas and advice as to your situation, but the fact is that nobody can walk this path for you and you will need to take charge of your own life and your own responses to your circumstances and do what is ultimately best for you.

I would start with talking to your doctor about how you've been feeling and what you've been going through. Even with a low income, they'll be able to work out something with your needs and a provider.

At some point in life, we need to become aware that we need to take care of our basic needs first. Nobody else in any form of non-professional relationship is going to be able to help you address the issues you're having.

We are all in favor of helping one another over the speed bumps of life. What you have described is more than a speed bump of life. Talk to a professional.

SnowCat

Everyone feels a bit lonely at some point. You ARE IMPORTANT to the world. Imagine one person seeing this post saying to themselves. "Crap. I can relate to that". .. You have just affected a life. Probably in a positive way... Someone knows they aren't alone in feeling alone. Neither are you. We all feel lonely at some point. We al have money issues at some point .. We all have to relate to other people and dealing with others is hard sometimes. Especially when people show you one side of themselves and they aren't that person. You need to know you are WORTH so much . You also need to step away from the materialistic people you are around. .. Find someone who sees through skin and into the human soul you truly are. You are a beautiful being and deserve to love yourself for who you truly are.

My 2 cents...sounds like Vita was using you. I would move on.
If you are under 40 keep in mind there is a awful lot of potential loves before you. Heck even after.
I agree with finding some mental support, negative self talk will keep you from progressing. The sooner you can reprogram your brain the sooner you will feel better. You might want to try starting a gratefulness journal...write down anything that makes you happy or are grateful for. Start small if you have trouble with this...like the taste of your favorite food, or the smell of flowers, some clothing that looks great on you, the way cool air feels on your skin...you get the idea...it doesn't have to be huge.
Having been in a similar work work work for pennies, I totally get the financial woes, when I had my first apartment, I had to get 3 roommates just to make ends meet, but then you had the problems that come with roommates who don't share the workload or eat your food and don't replace it. Argh.
Wishing you the best,
Firebird

firebirdflys wrote:My 2 cents...sounds like Vita was using you. I would move on.
If you are under 40 keep in mind there is a awful lot of potential loves before you. Heck even after.

Firebird

My grandmother had boyfriends after my papa died. She was beautiful. She was also in her 80s. Haha. So. Any age ... There's someone there.

firebirdflys wrote:My 2 cents...sounds like Vita was using you. I would move on.

Yes, it was just hard to tell sometimes because there were moments that she showed genuine empathy towards me. She cried over me, no one would waste a tear on someone they didn't really care about. But now she ignores my texts, probably because she has like a gazillion guys at her disposal, some that are probably more useful than me, which makes me unneeded, to her at least. , but whatever.

I no longer have as much money issues but I'm still lonely.

I work at Wal-Mart so I see couples coming in all the time, whether they are happy or unhappy makes me so jealous that my skin aches, it brings my anxiety through the roof. Seeing happy couples makes me jealous in that I haven't experienced that kind of happiness a relationship brings, and seeing unhappy couples also makes me jealous because they are two people willing to stick to each other despite their circumstances.

One of these days I am sure I will find the one, but that day simply isn't today.

SapphireWand wrote:One of these days I am sure I will find the one, but that day simply isn't today.

That must be a hard realization but really a very wise one.
Have you considered batteling the loneliness by joining club or hiking group, maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen or checking out the local UU service? .....meanwhile, were here! You can talk to us
Bb, Firebird

firebirdflys wrote:

SapphireWand wrote:One of these days I am sure I will find the one, but that day simply isn't today.

That must be a hard realization but really a very wise one.
Have you considered batteling the loneliness by joining club or hiking group, maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen or checking out the local UU service? .....meanwhile, were here! You can talk to us
Bb, Firebird

Yeah I attended a few Wiccan and Spritual groups and it's not all that "dance around the fire" or lighting up incest candles, we talk to each other about our lives and problems as well.

I agree! One of the best ways to meet people who have your same values and hobbies are to join groups. Volunteering is a great one! Animal shelters, salvation army's, homeless shelter, it's all doing two things at once, helping people and meeting people.

Unfortunately, the young woman Vita you describe, sounds like she's using a you. It's high time to move on. Have you tried internet dating? It can be helpful to bring people together, but be weary. If you have an overly sweet personality, you have to watch for those who would take advantage of it. And, unfortunately, plenty will.

In my opinion, the best relationships always happen when you are least expecting or wishing for them. Once you stop hoping for a wonderful relationship, and at the same time start striving to better yourself,(having fun, eating well, keeping a journal, giving back to the community, reading more, exercising more, etc.) then you're so busy bettering yourself, you don't notice the person noticing you, and they then eventually approach you! Be happy with yourself first, then you can let someone else appreciate you!

Rosie