Everything Under the Moon

I really don't know how to talk about anorexia because most people see it as only dealing with the body, when in fact it is a mental illness it's full name is Anorexia Nervosa. I'm borderline Anorexic meaning I have a lot of the classic signs of anorexia but not all the signs. Ever since I was a child I was overweight and made fun because of it. I'm now 19 and weigh a lot more then I should. I am trying to lose weight but it is difficult when I can't make myself eat and days after starving myself when I eat again I over eat. It's a vicious cycle that I'm trying to break but it's hard when I look at food and I feel disgusted and after I eat I want nothing more then to throw it up. I am not after the skinny that is seen in the magazines (truthfully I don't read magazines) I am, it's hard to explain what I feel I want to be my proper weight.

It's very difficult saying this when I know a lot of people will question how can someone who is obese be borderline anorexic again Anorexia Nervosa is a mental illness that effects the body. I don't know if any of this made sense but I'm hoping it did.

~NightWater~

It's a common misunderstanding that only the skinny people can be anorexic. The issue is a lot deeper and a lot more serious than most people believe. And until you do get there, it's actually very hard to understand why would anybody put themselves through that or what goes through the mind of an anorexic. Being a recovering one myself, I know exactly what you're going through. I also do not fit the stereotype - I am not underweight (not anymore), but the thoughts are still there and it's an everyday battle. My advice is to seek help. Working with a psychiatrist can and probably will improve your condition massively.

I don't know if you have any kind of support groups where you live (cause we don't here and it's actually considered shameful to visit a psychiatrist, like admitting you are a nut-job), but if you do, it's a good idea to communicate with people who are in the same situation. It's not easy, not at all, but it can get better. I actually found that cooking helps a lot. Like you are around food, you indulge your family, but don't really consider it a danger anymore. Once you realize food is not the enemy, it starts getting easier. I don't know if that's helpful to others, but it was offered to me by my therapist and with me it did help. Once you get yourself out of the thought loop, you will see that the food isn't the enemy.

I don't know if this is of any help. Just remember - it's up to you - you should never give the control of you life over to food.

Hey FoundMyCalling, I know what it's like. When I was a teen, I also had an eating disorder (although it was never diagnosed, because my parents never viewed it as a problem that was worth seeing the doctor about). I'd starve myself for days at a time and then overeat and hate myself afterwards -- I've never been skinny either, even when I was trying unhealthy means to lose weight (which is probably why it was overlooked). But you're right -- it's more than just a physical disorder; it requires mental help. Like YanaKhan said, there is absolutely no shame in getting help.

One thing that really helped me was discovering my spirituality. Even after I stopped binging and starving myself, I still suffered from a lot of self-hatred and loathing towards my body. But finding my spirituality meant that I had to accept the earth as sacred, as well as food and my own body. I'm not completely there yet (I still have some self-confidence issues to work on -- even though I say it in my head doesn't always mean that my heart believes it yet). If I am to honor the balance of life, how can I reject food, which sustains all life? And as the Charge of the Goddess says, "All rituals of love and joy are My rituals" -- food is more than sustenance; it's pleasure, and all beings deserve pleasure. And when I cook, I get to share my love with everyone around me. It's helped me stop being afraid of food and not seeing it as the enemy, like YanaKhan said.

Like I said, I'm not 100% there yet, and my eating disorder is still lurking in the back of my mind, even if I don't act on it yet. But there is no shame in needing help, and it's a process that will take time. My blessings to you on this journey, FoundMyCalling.

Unfortunately doctors won't recognize someone as Anorexic until they're underweight. I think you need to see a therapist, because honestly a doctor isn't going to be much help. I know exactly how you feel. When I was 16-and my home life wasnt that great I started messing with my food. I would make up these rules about whatever I was eating. It was very OCD. Like if I was eating green beans they would all have to be the exact length or I wouldn't eat it. Or if someone offered me a glass of coke I would say I only drank clear pop. I was kind of chubby so this went on for about five months and my weight dropped so fast I was skin and bones pretty quick. My body like many others that suffer from eating disorders wasn't ready for this and it was quite a shock to my system.

After a few months I would start to collapse-blackout, sometimes two-three times a day. It's scary because you don't know when it will happen. One morning I woke up, walked a few feet to my bedroom door and blacked out, when I woke up I realized I twisted my foot and sprained my ankle. Another time I blacked out walking up stairs-thank goodness I was walking up and not down. It wasn't long after that I was hospitalized and almost went brain-dead. My body just didn't have the energy to keep me going. But I held on, and shortly after that I met my husband who was the one to help me eat more and made me realize how much I wanted to live.

I didn't mean for this to scare you, I did however, mean for this to show you just how serious this is. Anorexia is a very valid mental illness.


Until you can get in to see a psychiatrist I would suggest eating a-lot of fruit, vegetables, soups and nuts. Not only are they a-lot better for you than all the processed foods coming out of the market, they will be easier to eat. and easier to eat more of.

I hope this helped you. You're not alone!


Blessed Be

I've been to psychiatrist that's how I was diagnosed, I love preparing and cooking food I just have a hard time eating anything even if it's heathy. I have started to slowly start by eating apples. I am trying to eat only heathy foods and slowly start myself on the track back to a heathy me it is just hard looking at food and thinking of eating it.

I understand totally! I have a food addiction, and an eating disorder which is known as Compulsive Eating. Not in the same spectrum of eating disorders, but I understand where you're coming from. I never looked into getting help for it, until recently when I started talking to my therapist about it. I'm really glad you're trying to eat healthier! I'm doing it too, and I've found that if you fall off the bandwagon, it's okay! My therapist gave me great advice and it's totally true!

"There is no sense in beating yourself up for the day that has passed. Today is a new day, which means you can start all over again. You can't change what happened yesterday, so why worry about it?"

It's easier said than done, but it's incredibly true. And it took me a long time to realize that it's going to take awhile to get on the right track and that there will be days (even a week at a time) that I'm going to mess up and get off the path. But it's OKAY. (: No one's perfect and it's going to take time trying to get yourself to being fully okay. Whether that means eating more so you can actually eat, or eating less like myself because you're too addicted to food.

I have faith you can do it. (: Slow and steady wins the race, remember!

Food issues are more difficult because we require food to live. It's not like alcoholism, for instance, where the addictive substance can just be avoided. I think with food, we have to just deal with it one bite at a time, and forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

Snow

Hey FoundMyCalling,

I'm really sorry to hear you're suffering from this disorder :<

It really sounds like borderline anorexia, which is not that common but it looks like it could be bulimia nervosa too. I'd suggest being a bit sceptic when it comes to such a diagnosis - try not to classify your problem with a name in your head cause that will only make you stuck in it. I'm a psychologist myself and I'd avoid trusting a single diagnosis like that. Just an advice, hopefully helpful.
Are you seeing the psychiatrist regularly or he just diagnosed you and that's all?

Anyway, if you really want to get rid of the disorder, what's the most important is having a plan. Magick can help you with it too
1. First you need to change the way you perceive food and nutrition, try not to see it as your enemy but your friend. There's many ways of changing eating from a nightmare to delight. Just as an example: Food that comes from our Mother Earth is living, same as us. Filled with energy and vibrations that have the power to transform us depending on what we're eating. If you find nutrition facts boring or it's problematic for you to trust those facts, you can exchange them for magical properties of each plant etc.
2. As a Wiccan you could try to set a completely new diet for yourself - eating as many "earthy" foods as possible, which means eating mostly unprocessed foods, fresh or cooked by you veggies and fruits (you can eat them all day and won't gain a gram of fat), drinking self-made blessed water like Moon Water to help you cleanse your body from toxins, drinking homemade juices and smoothies.

It can be a lot of fun, you just need a plan and something that will keep you inspired and motivated to fight and beat the disorder

You are a Spiritual Being, stronger than anything!

And remember, the disorder is not yours, it's not a part of you. Same as emotions are not a part of you - they just come and go, and you remain, stronger. Never let it consume you!

Good luck!

I can't say if what I am experiencing is actual anorexia but due to recent issues in my life (and constant battles with self esteem and my weight) I began falling into the pattern of not eating over the past few months. Quite a few times in the past I had considered going anorexic but the few times I tried I would get extremely ill after skipping even one meal (like come close to vomiting ill). So it just seemed impossible for me.

This summer I have encountered some financial strains and it resorted in me not always having enough money for food. I had to adjust to this. Now it's become much easier for me to go with out. I started seeing myself drop some weight but I haven't lost much. Because of how little I am eating (I think the longest I went was three days without eating anything) I often feel tired and cranky. To counter this (since my job as a waitress is pretty high energy) I drink A LOT of soda and coffee. So lots of sugar. Combine that with a slowed metabolism that results from not eating as much and I don't really lose much weight.

I am starting to make myself eat more (even if I feel guilty afterwards). I started to try and eat normally again because I came to a realization: Even if I lost weight and dropped down to the figure that I wanted, I still would not have a changed image about myself. I would only find something else. I have started to try and love myself as I am. I think that is the best step for me and anyone else to take.

I understand the struggle though and the feelings of shame that come with it. But you can beat this sweetie. :3 The fact that you are here sharing this says that you are not yet ready to give up. If you ever want to talk, my inbox is open. :]