Everything Under the Moon

I'm very lost in life, last year I just got out of a 3 year relationship with my ex boyfriend.... and he was very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. Now I'm trying to work on my self confidence again and trying to get back into things I once enjoyed. Right before I ended up with him, I was on the way to studying Wicca, Paganism and different religions trying to find out which one was the best for me.... now I'm completely lost. Feel like a lost child, not sure on what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel so close to giving up on life cause I honestly don't know how to think anymore. So lost and confused about everything that's going on in my life right now. Right now I'm on the verge of crying cause I keep posting up threads to Forums that I join and sometimes I don't even get any responses and sometimes people say very little to me. Right now I feel like I completely don't belong on this earth any longer and I feel like there's no help for me.... There's so much that I want to do with my life but I stop myself cause I feel like I'm stupid and worthless. All of these things on which my ex boyfriend has told me and after awhile I started believing every little thing that he told me. He told me nobody else could deal with me and cause I'm bi-polar he's the only one who can handle my mood swings.... and made me believe that no one else could ever love me or be my friend.... now I feel like a complete loser and not sure on what to do anymore....

I can feel where you're coming from, having been in a similar situation myself. I'm not the greatest with words, but if you want someone to vent to, you can pm me any time.

Bright Blessings,
Echo

Dear WhisperintheWoods,

While I haven't ever been in an abusive romantic relationship, I have been in several with people in my family who were, not only towards me, but to other family members. Before I was even old enough to understand what the words meant, I had a grandmother that used to tell me constantly that the only thing I was good for was for a man to use me in the most vulgar way possible (She tended to be pretty graphic). So yeah, I know what you mean by starting to believe the things a loved one tells you. I'm still struggling with it, five years after her death. I don't think people really understand at times the true power of words.

I've attempted suicide twice, and while I won't pull out the adages many people use to discourage you from taking that step, I will tell you that I believe that I wasn't in my right mind when I made those choices. Weighed down by depression, guilt, and a whole slew of other negative emotions, I allowed myself to be influenced by them, when what I really wanted was just an escape. I didn't want to escape my life, necessarily, but I wanted to be rid of all of the awful things that were going on inside my head. I still haven't found a way to make peace with that part of me. It's a battle everyday, sometimes pretty ugly, other times not so bad. I found comfort in writing, and that's really been the most cathartic outlet when I start to feel overwhelmed. What brings you peace?

I can't, and won't, tell you that this'll pass and that everything is going to be okay. That's up to you. I can't even tell you that it'll get easier with time. But what I can tell you is that no matter how isolated you feel, there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. Maybe they don't share your circumstances, but they've known the pain you're experiencing. You aren't the first (or sadly, the last) to go through this. You aren't alone. Many of us have walked that path in the dark, and some of us still are. And for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by breaking away from your ex. I never thought I'd find someone to put up with me, and I've been with my husband for almost a decade now. And there are a lot of days when I have to just lean on him and cry into his shoulder. If you need us to be, we can be that person for you. If you need to, keep posting, talk to us. Think of us as an interactive journal, if you like. PM one of us if you need to.

I won't tell you to not give up, but I will ask it of you. Please, Whisper, don't give up. You're loved, you're worth every breath you take and every heartbeat.

Love and light,
~Heartsong

Whisper, bi-polar is a physical problem in the brain. Mood swings doesn't begin to describe what's actually happening. Then you load PTSD on that, from the abusive relationship. You've already come a long way just in coming here and sharing your story. Every minute that you keep getting through is a victory for you. One minute at a time.

Frosty

Oh my goodness, Whisper, my heart is breaking for you. I can't say I've been in exactly your situation, but I know what it's like to feel like you just want to give up on life. And I know for a FACT that you are NOT worthless; you are very much loved and you're not alone. Please keep posting about your journey, or PM any of us if you need help ... we are here for you!