I need help, completely lost (negative energy taking over)
Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 1:34 pm
So my main question is-- how to keep my positive energy while others around me are full of negativity. In this case I am talking mostly about my daughter (foster daughter, who has been with us 9 months), so not someone I can just cut out of my life. (I technically can, but not willing to) So how do I keep my positive energy while she is consistently putting out negative energy, with the intention of getting me angry.
So I am not sure if all of these things really are connected, but just taking a step back and looking at the big picture, it is the thing that makes the most sense to me. I am not trying to come in here saying that my daughter is just a walking, talking, ball of negativity that brings everyone down, I am just looking for how I can keep my head on straight even when she cannot. And on top of that, how I can help her with her energy issues? (she is 4 years old).
So here we go. You can just answer the question as is, or read the back story:)
About 9 months ago we got a placement. After about a month, she began feeling right at home, which meant the problems were just beginning. Her personality seems to tell me that she likes to be angry. Even when everything is going great, she suddenly starts with something and just gets mad or will start back talking. The first 5-6 months was genuinely filled with her being angry all day, minus maybe 2 good hours, total. Not even in a row. She screams, cries, hits, breaks things, refuses to listen, and much more. I know this sounds 'normal' for a child her age, but 6 straight months of this being your constant day, plus having 2 other children under the age of 2 to take care of, it is VERY exhausting. And very stressful. On top of this is the stress. The stress of what she thinks of me, or what she will tell about me. If she is mad, and I remove her arm from my body from her trying to push me, she begins to react like those overdramatic people on those infomercials. One time I gave her a high-five, I barely made contact, didn't even use any force, and she stopped, looked at her hand with fear, dropped her mouth, and then threw herself on the floor screaming about how much I hurt her. I just ignored her and she instantly stopped and walked away. But these things happen all the time. I bump into her when she is mad, she throws herself on the floor and goes on about how I pushed her. (I am not looking for advice on these things or her behavior as she goes to therapy and her behavior is known, just giving some idea of the things she does) But still the stress of what she thinks of me, whether she really loves me, or thinks I love her, or if she just thinks I'm a monster. Anyway, so her behavior is just always negative. I tell her to do something, and it is a big production of refusal. For instance, having her pick up her toys. I tell her to pick up her toys, and instead of doing that, she will become angry and throw her toys, dump out the toy bucket (creating a bigger mess for her to clean) find a paper, rip it up (again, more mess) then come to me and make it clear that she is not cleaning her room. After a long time of this behavior, she will have earned a time out and sometimes loses something like some tv time or playtime or a toy. So where it would take 3-5 minutes, she has wasted over an hour, plus still owes a time out, and has lost privileges. I have begun just telling her to do things, and that is it. If she doesn't clean her room when I tell her, then I will just keep repeating myself calmly instead of arguing. I let her know that if she is not going to do it, then that is fine, but she will not participate in any fun until she is done. Instead of walking away, she has to be in my face, telling me that she is not going to do what she was told, and keeps 'rubbing it in' and follows me saying 'I'm not cleaning my room!" in a taunting tone, and will point out her doing bad things trying to make me mad with her.
So that is a few examples of what she does. And I said that was about the first 6 months that she behaved that way. Well months 6-8 were her sloooooooooowly getting better, then month 8-9 has been her going back to her old ways. No longer making an effort. Back to the not listening, back talk, hitting, screaming, yelling, crying, stomping, breaking things.
It is back to.. I get a good couple hours a day. One day I tell her to clean her room and she does it proudly. The next day she puts up a fit that lasts up to 2 hours. The next day she is willing to clean her room but will take an hour to pick up the 15 toys on her floor. There is consistency in her routine, but not in how she reacts to events. Sometimes something as small as, me putting the little ones in their high chairs before telling her it is time to eat, is enough to set her off. (I would put them in about 10 minutes before meals so they would stay out of my way. It wouldn't be time to eat, but she would become enraged)
I hope that was a good enough for you to understand a little.. pretty much she is an angry child, all the time. She is very.. one step forward, 10 steps back. (again, not looking for advice on her BEHAVIOR, more how to calm her 'energy', her behavior is a result of her trauma and while we understand it, it is not easy
)
So now on my side.
Throughout this I have overall remained calm. In the beginning I was very.. she would be a level 12 bad. I would be at my whits end. Then she would take a nap, and after that time away from her I was calm and ready to go again. I have lost my cool a few times and raised my voice past being stern, and what not, but overall I have held myself back and have managed to stick with VERY stern. In the beginning I was doing great! Waking up at 5, exercising, gettin my 'me' time in before the kids woke up, had breakfast ready. Everything was hard, but I was good.
But from then, to now. I hate waking up in the morning. I sleep in as late as I can (which is, until they wake up) so I get no time for myself or to prepare. I dread waking up, because of her. Because before I even open my eyes, I have a pretty good idea of what my day will look like. I spend my entire day waiting for nap time, then bed time. I have talks with myself and remind myself of all the things I love about her, and why I choose to keep going. But as soon as I see her, I can again, just see the day ahead of me. (I do not want this to sound like I hate her, I love her, I don't keep her here out of guilt, or out of feeling sorry for her, I genuinely love her and I hold out for the good times, but this is about the negative)
On top of this, the end was near, they were about to be placed with family within the week, and they decided they didn't want to do it anymore. They had another family member who wanted them, but they were like 50-50 and everyone decided it was best to just call it quits and leave them with us instead of working hard to move them with someone who kind-of wanted them. Well now I know we have another 2-3 months with them. I was holding on for dear life until the 'end' but now the end it far away. Beyond all the anger and frustration and negativity, I am really happy that they are staying, and was very concerned with them going through another move, when they are likely going home in a couple of months.
But now that the end is not so near, something needs to change. I keep trying to remain positive and whatnot, but it is easier for her negativity to get to me, and now even the little ones are angry a lot, and try behaving in the same ways she does.
Just between on keeping my home livable and raising these 3 kids I feel exhausted. So spending time with my Spouse and having me-time is just not in my energy anymore. I feel like I am putting almost no energy into myself or my relationship because my am emotionally drained.
On paper, I have figured out how to have it all. Wake up at 5, have me time, clean, plan the day. Spend time with kids. During nap time I clean some more, work on something I love to do. More kid time. When kids go to bed, hang out with my spouse, and put some effort into our relationship. But I cannot bring myself to wake up in the mornings, because of the no-joy, but also because of something else I will get into in a minute. And by nap time all I want to do is slump into my couch and zone out into some tv. Then the guilt of having done nothing sticks with me, and I play catch-up all day and just keep feeling guilty all day.
The sleep thing too. This past month or maybe a little longer I cannot sleep. I wake up 10-15 times a night, and it takes me over an hour to fall asleep. I keep having this overwhelming feeling that there is someone watching me. Logically I know there is no one in my home. For example yesterday. I didn't leave my home. I had been to every nook and cranny during that day in my normal day, there is no where for anyone to hide. Our glass door has a bar so even if someone picked the lock, it would not slide. The front door has many locks, only one can be unlocked from outside, so it is not possible to open the door. And we live on the second floor, so unless someone broke something, there is no getting in. I know this. I really do. But at night, I cannot get the feeling to go away. I feel like I am being watched, and wake up several times during the night because I get this overwhelming feeling that someone is really close to me watching me. That if I open my eyes, someone or something will be there. This is really when things began going down hill because all of this, plus the high lack of sleep, has not made anything easy. I don't know if it is all of the stress manifesting into a 'legitimate fear' or if there is actually something of a negative nature lurking around.
During the day I am fine. And even a couple weeks ago there were gun shots right outside, but I was an appropriate amount of scared for that. I was able to see rationally. My only real fear was that a bullet would hit a window and hit someone.
Anyways, I really need help on:
How to manage my energy
How to help my daughter with her energy
And what I can do about the night problem? Is it likely just an issue with my negative emotions manifesting into a fear? or could it be my negativity allowing something negative into my home.
Any advice is welcomed! Again I do not want this to seem like I am being mean. This is not about how horrible I find my daughter, but how her energy is always negative and I want to help her.
With that, I don't know if it is different, but her energy is always at a 10. Whether she is happy or mad. When she is mad, she is MAD, when she is happy, she is HAPPY... I mean so happy that is seems forced and fake. So I don't know if it is just that she puts her energy into every emotion, or if she just has so much negative energy that when she is happy she gets as much of it as she can!
She goes to therapy and gets help for her behaviors, but no one can seem to help with her anger, or her energy. When she is mad, it is impossible (so far) to change her mood until she is ready. Once I offered her candy when she was mad, and instead of getting happy, she just screamed and demanded that I give it to her. No change in mood.
Any advice! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
So I am not sure if all of these things really are connected, but just taking a step back and looking at the big picture, it is the thing that makes the most sense to me. I am not trying to come in here saying that my daughter is just a walking, talking, ball of negativity that brings everyone down, I am just looking for how I can keep my head on straight even when she cannot. And on top of that, how I can help her with her energy issues? (she is 4 years old).
So here we go. You can just answer the question as is, or read the back story:)
About 9 months ago we got a placement. After about a month, she began feeling right at home, which meant the problems were just beginning. Her personality seems to tell me that she likes to be angry. Even when everything is going great, she suddenly starts with something and just gets mad or will start back talking. The first 5-6 months was genuinely filled with her being angry all day, minus maybe 2 good hours, total. Not even in a row. She screams, cries, hits, breaks things, refuses to listen, and much more. I know this sounds 'normal' for a child her age, but 6 straight months of this being your constant day, plus having 2 other children under the age of 2 to take care of, it is VERY exhausting. And very stressful. On top of this is the stress. The stress of what she thinks of me, or what she will tell about me. If she is mad, and I remove her arm from my body from her trying to push me, she begins to react like those overdramatic people on those infomercials. One time I gave her a high-five, I barely made contact, didn't even use any force, and she stopped, looked at her hand with fear, dropped her mouth, and then threw herself on the floor screaming about how much I hurt her. I just ignored her and she instantly stopped and walked away. But these things happen all the time. I bump into her when she is mad, she throws herself on the floor and goes on about how I pushed her. (I am not looking for advice on these things or her behavior as she goes to therapy and her behavior is known, just giving some idea of the things she does) But still the stress of what she thinks of me, whether she really loves me, or thinks I love her, or if she just thinks I'm a monster. Anyway, so her behavior is just always negative. I tell her to do something, and it is a big production of refusal. For instance, having her pick up her toys. I tell her to pick up her toys, and instead of doing that, she will become angry and throw her toys, dump out the toy bucket (creating a bigger mess for her to clean) find a paper, rip it up (again, more mess) then come to me and make it clear that she is not cleaning her room. After a long time of this behavior, she will have earned a time out and sometimes loses something like some tv time or playtime or a toy. So where it would take 3-5 minutes, she has wasted over an hour, plus still owes a time out, and has lost privileges. I have begun just telling her to do things, and that is it. If she doesn't clean her room when I tell her, then I will just keep repeating myself calmly instead of arguing. I let her know that if she is not going to do it, then that is fine, but she will not participate in any fun until she is done. Instead of walking away, she has to be in my face, telling me that she is not going to do what she was told, and keeps 'rubbing it in' and follows me saying 'I'm not cleaning my room!" in a taunting tone, and will point out her doing bad things trying to make me mad with her.
So that is a few examples of what she does. And I said that was about the first 6 months that she behaved that way. Well months 6-8 were her sloooooooooowly getting better, then month 8-9 has been her going back to her old ways. No longer making an effort. Back to the not listening, back talk, hitting, screaming, yelling, crying, stomping, breaking things.
It is back to.. I get a good couple hours a day. One day I tell her to clean her room and she does it proudly. The next day she puts up a fit that lasts up to 2 hours. The next day she is willing to clean her room but will take an hour to pick up the 15 toys on her floor. There is consistency in her routine, but not in how she reacts to events. Sometimes something as small as, me putting the little ones in their high chairs before telling her it is time to eat, is enough to set her off. (I would put them in about 10 minutes before meals so they would stay out of my way. It wouldn't be time to eat, but she would become enraged)
I hope that was a good enough for you to understand a little.. pretty much she is an angry child, all the time. She is very.. one step forward, 10 steps back. (again, not looking for advice on her BEHAVIOR, more how to calm her 'energy', her behavior is a result of her trauma and while we understand it, it is not easy
) So now on my side.
Throughout this I have overall remained calm. In the beginning I was very.. she would be a level 12 bad. I would be at my whits end. Then she would take a nap, and after that time away from her I was calm and ready to go again. I have lost my cool a few times and raised my voice past being stern, and what not, but overall I have held myself back and have managed to stick with VERY stern. In the beginning I was doing great! Waking up at 5, exercising, gettin my 'me' time in before the kids woke up, had breakfast ready. Everything was hard, but I was good.
But from then, to now. I hate waking up in the morning. I sleep in as late as I can (which is, until they wake up) so I get no time for myself or to prepare. I dread waking up, because of her. Because before I even open my eyes, I have a pretty good idea of what my day will look like. I spend my entire day waiting for nap time, then bed time. I have talks with myself and remind myself of all the things I love about her, and why I choose to keep going. But as soon as I see her, I can again, just see the day ahead of me. (I do not want this to sound like I hate her, I love her, I don't keep her here out of guilt, or out of feeling sorry for her, I genuinely love her and I hold out for the good times, but this is about the negative)
On top of this, the end was near, they were about to be placed with family within the week, and they decided they didn't want to do it anymore. They had another family member who wanted them, but they were like 50-50 and everyone decided it was best to just call it quits and leave them with us instead of working hard to move them with someone who kind-of wanted them. Well now I know we have another 2-3 months with them. I was holding on for dear life until the 'end' but now the end it far away. Beyond all the anger and frustration and negativity, I am really happy that they are staying, and was very concerned with them going through another move, when they are likely going home in a couple of months.
But now that the end is not so near, something needs to change. I keep trying to remain positive and whatnot, but it is easier for her negativity to get to me, and now even the little ones are angry a lot, and try behaving in the same ways she does.
Just between on keeping my home livable and raising these 3 kids I feel exhausted. So spending time with my Spouse and having me-time is just not in my energy anymore. I feel like I am putting almost no energy into myself or my relationship because my am emotionally drained.
On paper, I have figured out how to have it all. Wake up at 5, have me time, clean, plan the day. Spend time with kids. During nap time I clean some more, work on something I love to do. More kid time. When kids go to bed, hang out with my spouse, and put some effort into our relationship. But I cannot bring myself to wake up in the mornings, because of the no-joy, but also because of something else I will get into in a minute. And by nap time all I want to do is slump into my couch and zone out into some tv. Then the guilt of having done nothing sticks with me, and I play catch-up all day and just keep feeling guilty all day.
The sleep thing too. This past month or maybe a little longer I cannot sleep. I wake up 10-15 times a night, and it takes me over an hour to fall asleep. I keep having this overwhelming feeling that there is someone watching me. Logically I know there is no one in my home. For example yesterday. I didn't leave my home. I had been to every nook and cranny during that day in my normal day, there is no where for anyone to hide. Our glass door has a bar so even if someone picked the lock, it would not slide. The front door has many locks, only one can be unlocked from outside, so it is not possible to open the door. And we live on the second floor, so unless someone broke something, there is no getting in. I know this. I really do. But at night, I cannot get the feeling to go away. I feel like I am being watched, and wake up several times during the night because I get this overwhelming feeling that someone is really close to me watching me. That if I open my eyes, someone or something will be there. This is really when things began going down hill because all of this, plus the high lack of sleep, has not made anything easy. I don't know if it is all of the stress manifesting into a 'legitimate fear' or if there is actually something of a negative nature lurking around.
During the day I am fine. And even a couple weeks ago there were gun shots right outside, but I was an appropriate amount of scared for that. I was able to see rationally. My only real fear was that a bullet would hit a window and hit someone.
Anyways, I really need help on:
How to manage my energy
How to help my daughter with her energy
And what I can do about the night problem? Is it likely just an issue with my negative emotions manifesting into a fear? or could it be my negativity allowing something negative into my home.
Any advice is welcomed! Again I do not want this to seem like I am being mean. This is not about how horrible I find my daughter, but how her energy is always negative and I want to help her.
With that, I don't know if it is different, but her energy is always at a 10. Whether she is happy or mad. When she is mad, she is MAD, when she is happy, she is HAPPY... I mean so happy that is seems forced and fake. So I don't know if it is just that she puts her energy into every emotion, or if she just has so much negative energy that when she is happy she gets as much of it as she can!
She goes to therapy and gets help for her behaviors, but no one can seem to help with her anger, or her energy. When she is mad, it is impossible (so far) to change her mood until she is ready. Once I offered her candy when she was mad, and instead of getting happy, she just screamed and demanded that I give it to her. No change in mood.
Any advice! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
